5/22/15

I'M DROWNING.

Drowning in lips, tongue, and teeth. Drowning in Cale.

I know I should pull away. I know this is wrong. I know he is engaged to my sister. I am aware of so much, but in this moment I only care about the taste of this man. It's been so long since I've tasted him I almost forgot the soft caress of his lips, the minty taste of him, and the overwhelming feeling of always wanting more from this man.

The realization that I want more is enough to send a shock through my system, and I jerk away from Cale. My hands pull out of his now deliciously tangled hair, and I take a couple steps back from him.

Ten agonizingly long seconds pass. We say nothing to each other, not one word passes as we just look. Our eyes are caught on each other, and the undeniable tension roars between us like the crackle of thunder just begging to release the rain from the clouds. And just like those clouds my body is begging for a release from Cale.

His hand runs a single finger over his lips before dropping his hand forcefully. His hand slaps against his jean-clad thigh and the moment is over. Our eyes break from each other, and air finally seems to make its way into the room again.

"I...umm..." I mumble unable to find the right words for this horrendous moment.

Cale runs a hand over his face in shock at what just transpired between the two of us. The high from the kiss we both shared is quickly coming down, and the feeling of dread is sinking in instead. If Bailey ever found out about this it would destroy her, destroy us. And all my fears about Cale breaking her are gone, and replaced with the fears that I will be the one to break her. That I will be the one that creates her heartbreak and fear to fall in love with any other man or to trust another woman.

The reason for her heartbreak can't be me. If I'm the reason for breaking her I will never recover.

"Gray, I'm sorry that should've never happened. I don't..." Cale trails trying to find the words to fix what just happened. But we can't fix it.

What we did is unfixable, and that's the scariest part.

I shake my head. "No, yeah," I agree awkwardly.

Cale takes a step back stumbling uncomfortably away from me. "I'm going to go upstairs and this can never—"

"Be mentioned," I finished for him. "I get it. Believe me, I get it Cale," I state as I turn to walk away from the kitchen I can now never look at again without picturing his hands on my body.

Cale's hand shoots out to grab onto my arm to stop me. "I'm sorry Gray. I'm drunk, and it was stupid, and it won't happen again," he swears.

I know it can't happen again, I am conscious of this. And yet at those words a pang of sadness shoots through me.

"Same. I'm drunk too," I lie. I'm not drunk. We both know it's a lie, but we let my words try and cover up the damage we just caused. Cale pulls away from me, and we both walk away from each other.

Walk away from the one thing that feels so right, but is so wrong.

I walk back into my room my head still reeling from the way I just betrayed my sister. I hate Cale for initiating the kiss, and I hate myself even more for letting him kiss me and liking it.

I crawl into bed next to a passed out Kylie. I check over her to make sure she's okay and hasn't puked all over herself or even worse. Her snores are clear as day, and she's curled herself up into a ball. She looks peaceful, and I envy her peace in this moment.

I grab my phone and text Hayley.

If u have time to talk plz call me. I did something really bad.

I press send and lay back onto my bed. The kiss was everything, but it also made me realize one thing: I can't have him. Cale is the definition of untouchable. Even if he called off his wedding with Bailey tomorrow I still couldn't have him. Cale will never be mine. Doesn't matter that I still hate him for the way he broke me years ago, doesn't matter if I forgive him, I can't have him.

And finally coming to that realization hurts and calms my heart at the same time.

Suddenly my phone rings, and I run with my phone into the bathroom as to not wake up Kylie. Not that it would with how dead to the world she is.

"What happened Gray?" she asks immediately.

I swallow my nerves. I know Hayley won't judge me, but saying out loud what happened tonight makes it all too real.

"You want the good or the bad new first?" I ask lamely.

She chuckles. "Always the bad! Do you even know me G?"

I smile weakly. God I miss her so much it actually hurts. I squeeze my eyes shut as I say the words that make even my own heart stop. "I kissed Cale." I continue. "Or Cale kissed me, but I kissed him back so what difference does it make who kissed who?" I ramble.

I hear her gasp. "I told you he wants you!" she shouts so loudly I have to pull my phone away from my ear.

I grimace. "No Hayley. He doesn't. It was a mistake...a huge one and it won't happen again obviously. It just—"

"Felt amazing?" she asks finishing off my sentence.

I sigh. "It did." I groan at my admission. "Agh, but that doesn't matter Hayley! He is engaged to my sister and it doesn't even matter. Ask about the good news please, I need to stop focusing on something that can and will never happen again," I say gloomily.

"But do you want it to happen again?" she pushes.

"Hayley," I growl.

"Fine, fine, fine!" she gives up. "Give me the good news."

"I met a guy tonight," I confess. "It was better news before Cale kissed me, but yeah I met a guy. A great guy, a really cute guy, and we even almost kissed." I explain to Hayley.

No gasp this time. No answer. No nothing.

"Hayley. You still there?" I ask uneasily.

I hear her exhale. "How is he good news when you are caught up on some other guy."

I shake my head at her words. "No. I need to move on Hayley, and I can't have Cale. I know that. So moving on with cute guys seems like good news to me."

I can almost hear the smile stretch over her lips. "How cute we talkin' over here?" she teases.

"Very cute," I admit.

"Details. I need details Gray."

I smile and lean back against toilet I've been sitting on and get comfortable. Because talking about cute boys with my best friend is exactly what I need in this moment.

I need to let go of the past. So I sit back and give all the dumb details of cute guy from the bar to Hayley, and don't speak one more word about Cale or that damn kiss.

* * * * *

5/23/15

My heart hurts.

I park my car back in the driveway, and just sit as my heart burns from the memories of last night. I just dropped Kylie back off at home, and even her cheerful yet slightly hung-over spirit couldn't lighten my mood.

I am the worst sister in the world.

The absolute worst. I don't know how I'm going to face Bailey or even face Cale or even walk into that kitchen again. As soon as I woke up this morning the waves of guilt and disappointment washed over me. And suddenly I wasn't drowning in Cale; I was drowning in fear and guilt.

I sit in my car for a few seconds longer trying to gain the courage to walk inside and face these people. I've even disappointed my parents. They might not ever know what happened between Cale and I, but I know I've disappointed them. They didn't raise me to be this kind of woman. They didn't raise me to screw over people like I did last night. They didn't raise me to hurt the people I love.

I climb out of my car and slowly walk into the house. I can hear only one voice. The one voice it physically hurts to hear. The one voice I've hurt in a way I never wanted to.

"I'm just gonna grab a vase," I hear Bailey say to someone.

I step into the kitchen, hating how the immediate onslaught of images of Cale and I hit me. I clear my throat, and push the haunting thoughts to the back of my mind. Bailey turns to face me, and for a quick second I think she may know. But she just smiles her brilliantly white smile at me as if there are no worries in the world.

And to her there aren't. If only she really knew.

"What do you need a vase for?" I question, trying to sound causal even though I am anything but.

Bailey grabs the vase off of the counter and brings it over to the island where I stand. The vase is filled with beautiful lilies, my favorites. "Wow, they're gorgeous," I breathe. "Where did you get them?"

Before Bailey can even open her mouth to answer me Cale walks through the back door. My eyes immediately cast to the floor avoiding him, and I find my body itching to leave the situation.

Bailey beams when he walks into the room. She wraps her arms around him, and plants a small kiss on the same lips I kissed just last night in this very kitchen. The blood rushes to my face in embarrassment and guilt, and I feel my face grow red and hot. I can't watch the intimate moment, no matter how small. Bailey wouldn't be kissing those perfect lips right now if she knew what happened last night. But Cale and I both agreed we wouldn't tell anyone. I can't be the reason Bailey hurts, but watching them is hurting me.

I decided yesterday at Bailey's bridal appointment that her happiness was worth every ounce of my pain. And it still is, though the pain just suddenly got a lot harder to handle.

"Cale got them for me this morning, isn't he just the sweetest?" Bailey says hanging all over him.

I finally look up to meet Cale's bright eyes. But they aren't bright anymore. They are dark and filled with anger towards me and only me. Those flowers are apology flowers, and he knows it. It's his way of saying sorry, without having to say sorry or admit what he is sorry for.

"Well they are your favorite babe, just thought I do something nice for my future wife." He leans over and kisses the top of her head after he murmurs his words.

They're not her favorite, I think to myself. Bailey loves tulips, always has and always will. My favorite flowers are lilies. But I don't say anything, because it's not my place to correct him.

Bailey's smile falters just slightly to where most people wouldn't catch it. But I do. She pulls Cale in closer. "They are, thanks babe." She lies, because she would rather lie than point out the truth. It makes me sad for her that she would rather lie then have her fiancé know the truth.

I wet my dry lips. "That's very sweet Cale." My words come out cold and distant. I want to sound happy, but I can't.

Bailey finally pulls away from Cale and starts fiddling with the flowers. "You have fun last night Gray?" she asks.

I don't look at Cale. "Yeah. The club was fun," I say vaguely.

"You got back pretty late Cale said." She continues with her attention fixated on arranging the flowers.

I can feel the heated gaze of Cale on me, but I refuse to acknowledge him. "He did, did he?" I comment, saying nothing more or less.

"Yeah, he said you and Chase seemed really close," Bailey emphasizes insinuating something more.

My face pulls in shock and annoyance, and this time I do look at Cale but he is looking at the ground. "No," I clarify. "Chase and I are just friends, I promise."

Bailey finally tears her gaze off of the dumb flowers. "But wouldn't it be so cool if we dated and married brothers Gray! We would be double sisters!" she exclaims.

I scrunch my eyebrows together. "I don't think that's how that works Bai..." I trail.

"Just think about it. Chase is cute and you two obviously have a connection, and Cale saw him kiss you on the cheek—"

"We are just friends Bailey god!" I snap. I didn't mean to, but I hate how everyone keeps trying to push Chase and I together. Why can't guys and girls be friends? Why does everyone have to assume that there is something going on when nothing is? Why did Cale have to bring Chase and I up to Bailey at all? Why did he kiss me last night? God, why?

Silence promptly follows my words.

Bailey's face falls in hurt, and I immediately feel like a bitch. "Bai, I'm sorry—"

She shakes her head. "No, I'm sorry Grayson." Her use of my full name shows that she is really upset with me. My shoulders sag in disappointment in myself. I didn't want to hurt her, and yet here I am being a stage one ass to my sister who has done nothing wrong.

She grabs the vase off of the counter. "I am just going to take these upstairs." With that she disappears up the stairs before I know it.

I feel Cale's body close to mine, but I don't erupt in tingles or excitement because I know this isn't about us. This is about me and Bailey, and how I just acted.

I look up to narrowed eyes. "Why do you always have to be such a bitch Grayson?"

I feel like a child getting reprimanded and I hate it. "Cale I didn't mean—"

He holds up a hand to stop me. "No. I am sorry about last night, and that will never happen again. But you treating my fiancée and your sister like that is unacceptable." His words ambush me with embarrassment. "Have you ever thought that maybe I wasn't the big asshole in this situation. That I wasn't the one with issues, that maybe I left all those years ago because I couldn't stand you anymore." His last words are filled with anger and all but growled out.

I fight to hold back the tears that fill my eyes. I fight to hold back the urge to slap him. I fight to stay standing, because all I want to do is crawl into a corner and cry my eyes out. I close my eyes to keep the tears at bay. "It's over," I say as my voice cracks.

He nods. "It is."

"Finally, after all these years," I say.

"Finally." And with that Cale turns on his heal and goes upstairs to his future wife. To my sister, the one he chose, the one he loves.

I was a moment of weakness and nothing more. Cale and I were never anything, and will never be anything ever again.

I'm free, and I should feel happy about it. But instead I feel lost.