AS WE SNUGGLE DOWNSTAIRS with a movie, each lying facing each other with our legs intertwined, I sigh.

"You okay?" Jamie asks. "You've been quiet since the film started..." That was strange in itself, because I always have opinions throughout the film. Like Matt did, Jamie always has to pause and rewind back past the bit I'd talked over.

"Yeah. I just..." I sit up again and sit cross legged. "I don't really want to go back for Christmas this year." I'd been thinking it since Dad told me about going to Mum's, but now I'm seriously thinking about skipping Christmas as a reality.

Jamie nods. "You said you always do the same thing. I get it. Change is crap."

I widen my eyes. "Really crap. And worse they didn't even ask."

I pick up a pillow and shove my face into it, letting a frustrated shout out before I throw the pillow petulantly to the floor.

"You could just come to ours?" he suggests.

My eyes move to his quickly. I'd been thinking it vaguely, but I never thought it would become a reality.

But then I thought maybe I shouldn't. I'd just been complaining that Christmas would be really different just being at Mum's... imagine what it would be like at someone else's house completely.

I shake my head. "I can't do that. I couldn't impose on your family."

"You wouldn't be imposing," he takes my hand and smiles. "They would love it."

I know he's probably only saying that to help me feel better, but part of me is really tempted. After what's happened the last few days, and with what will happen over the holidays - me being alone with my thoughts - it's the worst thing that could possibly happen right now.

"Think about it," he says, leaning forward to kiss my forehead just as my phone buzzes. "I'm going to get started on dinner. You want to help?"

I smile. "I'll leave the cooking to you, chef. What we having?" I ask, glad of the slight distraction.

"Risotto Jumble?"

I frown. "Which is?"

"Risotto with anything I can find in the fridge," he says with a laugh.

I raise my eyebrows and nod before he kisses my forehead again. As I watch him leave the room, I sigh. I really had lucked out with him, and the more I thought about everything that had happened, the more I didn't want to repeat it.

Maybe some separation for a few weeks would do us good? I think our lack of separation was where Archie and I failed... because there just wasn't any. He lived with us, and even before we started dating, he was always around, and my mind would never switch off around him.

But then even when we were apart - when he went on holidays with his family or when he went on sports trips - my mind just missed him even more. Either way you looked at it, whatever option I choose, I'm in trouble.

I sigh as I cover my face with the cushion, trying to decide what I should do, when my phone buzzes again.

I drop the cushion to the side and pull my phone from my pocket to see a couple of messages from Millie, no doubt in response to my weird texts last night.

Archie is okay. He's hurt his hand, and he drank a lot, but he's okay...

Relief shoots through me and I inadvertently look at my own hand as it starts to throb, as if there's a connection.

I told him about you and Jamie yesterday. I know I probably shouldn't have, but I wanted him to find out from me, rather than from anywhere else...

I'm sorry if that was the wrong thing to do, or if you're mad at me, but I thought it was for the best xx

I'm about to type back to say it was okay. As much as I wanted to be able to tell Archie about Jamie myself, I knew that wasn't an option, given I had no way to contact him, other than through Millie. I'm about to type back that I'm not mad when she messages again.

I don't think it is just his hand, Tess. He's hurting. He has been since he left, and I know that isn't what you want to hear, particularly as you have Jamie now, but I know you would always want me to be honest... even if he isn't...

I type a message quickly before she can send another one, wanting her to make sure she knew I wasn't mad.

Mils, thank you for telling me, and I'm not mad. I could never be mad. And it's better he hears from you than anywhere else, so thank you xx

She sends a gif of Tony Stark rolling his eyes, which I think is a continuation of her message, but it makes me laugh either way.

I thought you were supposed to be back by now, but I guess, after yesterday, you're doing the right thing in staying where you are. God forbid you collapsed again in transit! :O

Does this mean I'll miss you then?

I sigh. If that is her leaving before I can see her, that makes my mind up over what I'm going to do about Christmas. If Millie isn't there for any of it, I don't want to be the only 'kid' at the table, so it solidifies the answer in my own mind, and actually sends relief surging through my chest.

I'm afraid so... but we still have that weekend in February booked right? :)

I smile. We did have that. And I already have so much planned that we'll be exhausted by the time she leaves. A pang goes through my chest at the thought of not seeing Millie though. I hadn't seen her since I came home in October for Reading Week, and I truly missed her.

You're right, we do.. and we'll make sure every single minute of that time is filled with fun things and ridiculousness :D

Damn straight! I miss you Tess. And can't wait to see you in Feb <3

Miss you too, Mils! Big hugs to you and Greg! xxxx

She sends back a love heart and I smile before I sigh and move my phone to the dialpad screen, typing in Dad's number from memory just as the door opens.

Jamie drops a kiss on my forehead before depositing a huge bowl of peanuts in front of me with a wink, knowing these will be gone by the time he comes back.

I think it's going to go to voicemail when he answers.

"Hey Sweetpea."

Relief shoots through me again at the sound of his voice. I'd rang him the other day, but it still feels strange not to talk to him every day like I used to.

"Hey Dad," I smile.

"Where are you?" His voice sounds worried.

I shake my head, even though he can't see and I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose, preparing myself for the outburst I know is coming.

"I'm still in Edinburgh."

"Wh- What, why?" He's rightfully confused. "Are you okay? Has something happened?"

"Yeah, everything's fine, Dad. I just..." I start, wondering if I should just tell him the truth. But when he nudges me, I'm not ready to. "I missed my flight."

"How did you miss your flight?"

I can't believe I'm lying to the one person I've never lied to. But for some reason I knew it was better than telling him the truth.

"Snow on the tracks and bad ice on the roads meant I couldn't get to the station."

I didn't offer him any other explanation because I feel terrible enough already.

"Tess, your mum and I waited at the airport today, to surprise you. We waited all afternoon, and then when you wouldn't pick up your phone, we rang Nelly."

Oh no. He knows I'm lying.

"She told us you had collapsed? And that you were in hospital?"

Nelly! I groan inwardly, despite loving her for being concerned.

"Tessa, why didn't you call us to tell us you were okay?"

"Because I didn't want to worry you over nothing."

"Nothing? Tessa, you collapsed? That's not nothing."

"It was nothing. I just got a bit light-headed. I'm fine."

It was fine, only I was mysteriously transplanted into Archie's head for a minute which caused me to black out for a couple of hours. How do I even begin to explain that? Even to Dad...

"Dad, I am really sorry. But the doctor said all the tests came back cl-"

"Tests?!" he shouts. "Tessa, if they're testing you for something it must have been serious. I can't believe you would be so irresponsible as if to not tell us what was going on."

"Because I knew you'd act like this! And I'm fine," I tell him, groaning in annoyance down the phone.

He sighs and sounds just as frustrated as I am. "Well, at least you're coming home, so we can keep an eye on you."

Keep an eye on me? Right, that does it.

"Dad, I'm not sure I even want to come back for Christmas."

There I've said it, and from the sharp breath at the other end, I take it the news of me not wanting to come home hasn't gone down well.

I know Dad only means well, but he would annoy me after a day with his constant checking up on me. For a doctor who sees so many day to day coughs and colds, he freaks out completely when it came to us, and I can't deal with that for three whole weeks. And with Millie not being there now, along with a strange Christmas at Mum's with no turkey, I just couldn't do it.

"Tell me I'm not hearing this, Tessa."

The disappointment in his voice is enough to make me drop my head into my hands. I feel like a puppy being told off for chewing an old slipper, getting the disappointed stare.

"Dad's, I'm really sor-"

"Is this Jamie asking you to stay?" he asks, his voice now accusing and angry.

"No!" I say quickly.

Technically Jamie had offered for me to stay, but that was after I said something. And I was pissed off now, and didn't want Dad to be mad at him. This was my problem.

"He doesn't even know!" I pace up and down the room, trying to keep myself calm. Getting upset won't help anyone. "I'm doing this for me, Dad. With Millie not there it'll just be me by myself and you three, and I already feel left out of the planning enough as it is."

"Left out of pl-" He sighs out a laugh. "Tessa, that is ridiculous."

"Is it Dad? Since when were we having Christmas at Mum's? Where was the letting me know? Dad, you just told me a couple of weeks ago and that was that. You didn't even give me a choice."

He flusters and says a few choice words under his breath.

"We've always had Christmas at ours, and after what's happened, now you just up and change it without telling me?"

"Your mum-"

"Dad, Mum would have been fine at ours. For one thing, you're a doctor, but for another she knows how we always have Christmas." I huff a frustrated sigh. "Plus, we're more than capable to cook something vegetarian in our oven."

"Tessa!" he scolds.

"Dad, this was your idea," I shout back. "No way was this Mum."

I hear him sigh down the other end of the phone and I know he knows I'm right.

"We-"

"Dad," I cut him off.

"Fine." He huffs. "I just thought it would be easier."

I shake my head. I know Dad thinks it would be easier, but it just makes me think he wants to make new memories without remembering Matt. Even though Matt was gone, I still want to feel like he's here. And there are traditions that can still go on despite the fact he is no longer with us. And traditions are a lot harder to uphold when you're in a different place altogether.

"Tessa, this is ridiculous. Please come home. I'm sure Jamie's family won't appreciate you barging in on their plans."

I know he's angry and is only saying that to get me to change my mind, but that makes me even more angry than him changing our Christmas plans. When I don't say anything, because I'm so angry and don't want to say something I'll regret, he says it again, this time shouting it, demanding it.

"Come home, Tessa!"

I huff a sigh through flared nostrils, knowing I'm about to fail at controlling my temper.

"NO!" I yell into the phone before hitting end on the call and throwing it hard into the sofa. It bounces off the cushion and then onto the floor where it starts buzzing again. I don't even have to look to know who it is, so I reach forward and turn it off before I decide to smash it under my foot.

My breath comes out fast as I collapse to the floor, dropping my head into my hands as a wrack of sobs pour out. I can't believe I'd just said those things to my dad, and that I talked to him like that. He didn't deserve it, and I could not believe I'd been so ungrateful. He said he was doing it because he thought it would be easier, and maybe it would be, but I apparently didn't want to give this new way a chance. And maybe it was just for one year, because Mum's aversion to meat is actually pretty bad...

Oh God, what have I done?

"Tess, do you wa-" Jamie comes in, wafting a smell of sausages and garlic in with him, but stops mid-sentence when he sees me crying on the floor.

"Tess?" He crouches down and pulls me up and into his arms before kissing the side of my head.

I tuck my face into his chest as I sniff, trying to get myself under enough control.

"Tess, what happened? You were all smiles when I left you."

I half laugh at his attempt to get me to smile as he looks down at me.

"Was that your dad?"

I nod.

"And?"

I sigh as I push my head back into his chest. "Were you serious about me coming up with you for Christmas?" I ask, screwing my face up and hiding half of it with my hand.

"Tess," he smiles, kissing my nose. "It would be amazing if you could come. My parents would absolutely love it."

I move my hand from my face as that infectious smile makes a very similar one spread across my own face. No matter how upset or angry I was, his smile was one of the only things that could bring me back from the edge these days.

"You really mean that?"

He kisses my nose again, one of my favourite things in the world.

"I really do."

I kiss his jaw before looking up at him again, smiling.

"Then I would love to."