I like lists.

Impluwensiya iyan ni Mama.

Siya kasi itong mahilig gumawa ng mga lista-lista.

Hindi puwedeng pumunta sa grocery ng walang listahan.

Mas maigi daw na isulat ang mga kailangan para siguradong wala kaming makakalimutan.

Hindi naman daw kasi katulad sa Pinas na kapag may nakalimutan ka, may sari-sari store na pwedeng takbuhan.

Dito, you have to drive to get to the store.

Even in the age of mobile phones and apps, gusto niya ang paper list.

Mas madali lang niyang matandaan kesa magkakalikot pa siya sa phone niya.

When I recovered from the accident, the first thing I did was to make a list.

I called it Emerald and Joy's Bakit List.

Bakit bakit?

Why not use the more traditional Bucket List?

Kasi, I associate a bucket list with the things you want to do before you die.

After my accident, I decided to change how I see and live my life .

It's funny dahil since I was thirteen, I was hell bent on ending it all.

I gave up  dahil sobrang nahihirapan na ako.

Sa mga hindi nakakaranas ng pinagdaraanan ko, they couldn't tell that something was wrong with me.

Wala naman kasing physical manifestations and mental illness.

At dahil walang tangible proof, it was so easy for most people to assume that nothing is wrong with me.

What's hurtful is when they say it's all on my head.

Like I didn't know that already.

It's in my head nga talaga kasi I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.

But it wasn't so much the tragedy that made me rethink how I live but something, no, someone.

I know it's risky to invest your happiness in one person.

What if mawala ang taong iyon? Paano na ako? What's going to happen to me? What am I going to do?

With my condition, it's a big undertaking.

But I want to take that risk.

With Joy.

When I look back on what happened, my old self would probably be begging for that release.

At last, I am finally getting my wish.

I can almost taste the end.

But perhaps I was right when I said that death didn't want me.

Because if it wanted to, I could have died right there.

Or on the way to the hospital.

Agaw-buhay na ako eh.

50/50 na.

Critical.

They needed ten bags of blood.

That's how much I lost.

But death and I were playing this game since I was thirteen.

I have been losing to the grim reaper.

Maybe he or she or it wanted to be the ultimate champion.

Because instead of me dying, I was comatose.

Was death giving me a choice?

While I was straddling the line of living and dying, did death see a sliver of doubt?

Nakita ba niya na parang ayoko pa?

I don't want to take that step to the light...or the dark?

How does it work?

I don't really know.

Death had known me since my first attempt.

You would think the Grim Reaper would be glad that I have finally found the means to an end.

It wasn't even planned.

That day, I was actually hesitant to bungee jump.

Pero wala eh.

Bumigay ako sa kantiyaw.

What a juvenile thing to do.

Whatever the reason, when I opened my eyes, when my heart started to pump, when blood started to circulate through my system, the thing I remembered amidst my blurry vision and faint senses was the sound of crying.

I know my mother was crying.

She always cries when she learns of what I have done to end my life.

I struggled to open my eyes.

I wanted to see who was in the room.

There were one too many people.

But in my hazy state, I knew that the one person I wanted to see was present.

She was the smallest person in my vision.

The chance of hitting a rock during a bungee jump was rare (at least that's what I think).

But the possibility of the rope loosening was higher (another thing I think was more feasible).

I don't know what happened that day.

After three weeks in Victoria, I was transported back to Calgary.

The doctor was impressed dahil I didn't have any brain injury.

Sabi ni Mama, it was a miracle.

I was badly hurt sa aksidente kaya she attributed it to divine intervention.

Naunang umuwi sa Calgary si Treena at si Ate Ruby dahil kailangan na silang bumalik sa work.

Sumama sa kanila si Daddy dahil he had to take care of stuff at home.

Mama stayed with Kuya Jett and his family.                                                                     

Treena and Ruby were calling everyday to check up on me.

She emailed that she may have inadvertently told Joy about us.

She apologized kung naunahan niya daw ako.

I told her it was okay.

At mukhang hindi naman magbaback-out si Joy dahil she stayed at the hospital.

Joy was with me the whole time.

Nagpaalam siya sa boss niya.

Hindi siya pinayagan.

She quit.

Gusto daw niya akong alagaan.

She stayed with Mama sa bahay nina Kuya.

Kahit nanghihina at nahihilo pa sa nangyari, pinakilala ko sa kanila si Joy as my girlfriend.

I told my parents that if they are opposed to me being with a woman, saka na lang namin pag-usapan.

Kapag matino na ako at kaya ko ng ipaglaban ang choice ko.

Hindi naman sila umangal.

But let's go back to the Bakit List.

Sabay namin itong ginawa.

Joy was writing habang nakayakap ako sa bewang niya.

Nakasandal siya sa headboard ng kama at nakahiga naman ako sa dibdib niya.

The objection I was waiting from my parents didn't come.

Joy was often at my parents' house after work.

Hindi naman siya pinagdadabugan ng mga ito.

The truth was, mukhang okay naman sa kanila si Joy.

I even heard my dad telling mom na mukhang mabait naman daw ito.

That made me happy.

It was an unwarranted validation.

Ang Bakit List starts with that word.

Bakit tayo pupunta sa California?

Bakit tayo sasali sa half marathon? (Ewan ko. Di ko din alam.)

Bakit tayo mag-aaral mag-ski?

Bakit tayo bubuo ng one-thousand piece puzzle?

Bakit kukumpletuhin natin ang Harry Potter Lego set?

Bakit tayo magyoyoga?

Bakit tayo maga-adopt ng isa pang pusa?

Marami pang nakalagay sa list.

The goal was to do them and then answer the question.

We wrote the list in a notebook so that when it's time to answer the why's, maraming space.

I know not much of my life has changed after the accident.

My mental illness did not disappear.

I will still have my mania.

I will still have my depression.

Ang nagbago lang naman was, mas willing ako to try this time.

I changed my perspective.

I don't want to be cruel.

On my good days, ang daling gawin ang mga bagay na nasa listahan.

On my bad days, I still struggle.

Ayaw ko pa ding bumangon.

I still sleep in lalo na during the weekend.

Minsan ayoko ding kumain or maligo.

I still go to the dark place.

I still think of death.

But when I see Joy, there's a part of me who doesn't want to see her suffer.

Ayoko siyang masaktan dahil nag-give up na naman ako.

Hindi niya naman ako pini-pressure.

Ang totoo nga, she lets me be myself lalo na during the low points of my life.

Ang gusto niya lang naman, maging honest ako sa kanya.

Kahit pa masakit ang mga sasabihin ko.

Ang sabi niya sa akin, hindi siya naghahanap ng perfect girlfriend.

That person doesn't exist.

Ang gusto niya lang daw is to be with me during the good, the bad and the ugly.

"We are in this together, Em. Always remember that."

Those words calm me.

To me, it was a promise.

At kung gusto ko daw mapag-isa, okay lang daw.

Basta lagi kong tatandaan na she's waiting for me when I'm ready to come out of my dark days.

I do not know what the days hold for us.

But I am not looking ahead.

One day at a time is all I can manage.

THE END

This story is dedicated to my wife.

xoxo