Dec 24, 2013

Dear Angelynn,

It's Christmas Eve and I'm surviving.

Not that the winter season has been too awful. Even with the last minute Christmas shopping today, I've been in a generally euphoric state. Which is good, I suppose.

But it's Christmas Eve and it's Winter Break so it's hard not to be in a good mood. So I'm happy right now, in this instant where I'm pushing off my break homework and then regret it later and sit dumbfounded ripping hair from my scalp.

So it's probably better if I start the homework now to prevent the future agony.

But it's Winter Break and I'm not in the mood to do anything work-related.

But it's Winter Break now, you feel? What happens when it ends? Because nothing lasts forever, which seems to be a pressing issue on my mind. Sorry that I can't help that. I can only imagine how redundant these letters sound.

Lately, the thing that's been bouncing around in my head is the fact that I'm constantly living in between two points. It's something like: survive finals week and everything will be okay... Oh, school is starting back up again? Just make it until spring break.

Or even when school is in session, it's like: once this test is over with life will be so much easier. Or once I finish this novel in a month (sorry, have to brag) life will be infinitely better.

And I can't help but wonder why I keep having to set a little postmark date in the future for me to continue on in life. As if there's something about the present that makes me uneasy or doesn't appeal to me. And as if by looking to the future my life is going to take a sudden 180 and everything is going to be rainbows and butterflies.

Clearly, nothing is going to happen unless I do something about it. But that doesn't stop me from setting up all those benchmarks, does it?

I can't help but wonder what's so incredibly awful about right now. What with all this "Carpe Diem" and all of those motivational stuff that encourages one to "start living the life you want today" or something like that- why is it so difficult to follow their advice?

Or maybe their advice is wrong. Maybe their advice also puts too much emphasis on the future. Like you can start improving your future, today.

I want to improve today, today. If that makes sense. It probably doesn't. I don't think I've been making much sense lately. Finals takes a lot out of you. 

Anyways, I'm tired of just getting by and living from date to date. I'm sick of this insane optimism that after the next date (currently, Spring Break, probably. And after that, Summer) all my dreams will come true.

I want every single day, every single waking moment to be invigorating and exciting. I want to wake up everyday refreshed and recharged. I want to race through each day with a smile plastered on my face and not care about the tomorrows.

And still not do something insanely stupid. But do something less average. Something besides just surviving. Do something without being told, but because I want to. Despite the consequences. I want everyday to be an adventure that I have to go out of my ways to discover.

I don't want to look to months in advance. I want to shrink the distance to weeks, days, hours, until my life is in sync with the breaths I take and the seconds that fly by.

I think everything will go much easier and faster if I can uphold that philosophy.

And not get rid of plan and reason all together, but coordinate it with a little recklessness.

Maybe I need to escape my head a little bit and live for once, you know?

And Angelynn, I hope this makes sense to you. And I hope that wherever, whenever you are that you're looking behind you, and not ahead. I hope you're where I always wanted to end up.

xx

Angela