"How are you feeling about everything?"
I sat across from Heidi in her office and she asked me that question.
"Um, I can't really put it into distinct words." I said, shuffling in my seat.
"Then don't. Just talk to me how you're feeling. It doesn't have to make complete sense. Just talk." Heidi said to me.
"Okay." I said, "I don't regret punching Kelsey. At all. She's a dumb bitch who felt the need to say shit about my sister to me. She had it coming."
Heidi nodded. "Good start. Continue."
"It pisses me off that she pressed charges. I know her nose is broken- but if she wants to act like some kind of victim in the situation she has another thing coming." I said and then continued, "But I worry how this going to affect me. My future possibly. And I do not want to go to fucking jail. Even for an hour."
"You do have a lawyer I am assuming?" Heidi asked me.
"My dads friend growing up. He's apparently a very successful lawyer now. He reassured my dad that I won't get jail time, but of course there is still always a chance." I said, "I can't go to jail. I have to continue looking for April. I can't be apart from Ava like that."
"How is Ava reacting to all of this?"
"She's been quiet. She seems in her head. I don't exactly know what she is thinking to be honest." I said, "I should actually ask her. I feel like everything has just been about me, but I really have to consider how she is feeling too."
"I would have a conversation with her. I think it'll help you both."
"I just want the conversation to have a good outcome, you know? I always worry...that I'm too much for her. That I have too much going on. That I'm too difficult. Or just not worth it." I said, and to my surprise I started to feel myself choke up.
"Why do you think you're too difficult or too much, Josephine?" Heidi asked me gently.
"I'm just a mess from everything that is going on with April. And while I do not regret what I did to Kelsey, I worry Ava will just think I'm too much. That it's not worth it. That I'm not worth it." I said, reaching for a tissue on the table in front of me as a few tears escaped my eyes.
"Is this something you've felt a lot recently?"
"I honestly have the whole time I've had her in my life. When we were best friends too. She's never done a single thing to make me feel that way, it's all in my head. But she's basically always been my only friend. I've always been a lot more introverted and have a hard time making friends. But Ava has always been there. I just worry it'll get to a point here she's had enough of me."
"Key words what you said, it's all in your head. There is no way Ava feels this way about you. It's just your mind. Josephine, you do have a mental illness. That can really play tricks on you." Heidi said.
I sat there for a moment taking in what Heidi said- that it was all in my head. And really hoped she was right.
When I got back to my house I went to the kitchen immediately- I realized I hadn't had anything to eat.
When I walked into my kitchen, my mom, Katie, my dad, and a man that I didn't recognize where standing at the counter. There was a platter of different meats and cheeses and fruit set out. There goes my mom, Top Chef, again.
The man was talking to my dad. He had salt and pepper hair, a trimmed beard, and was dressed nice for a weekend morning. I caught a glimpse of his Rolex too. This man just looked expensive.
When I walked in my dad and then man walked over to me. "Josephine, I want you to meet Adam Goldman. My good friend growing up, and your new lawyer."
He stuck out his hand to shake mine, "It's nice to meet you, Josephine. I don't want you to worry about this case too much. We are going to get it all worked out."
"Thank you." I said, "It's nice to meet you too."
"Adam just moved from Florida back to Pennsylvania. You're his first case he's taking up here." my dad said.
"Glad I could be of service." I joked. Adam chuckled. Then he said, "Josephine, why don't we go sit down in the living room. I want to get a statement from you about what happened while it is still very fresh in your brain."
I walked with Adam out of the kitchen and into the living room. He sat on the sofa across from me. I told him about how that night I went to the Salt Rim to see if I could gather any information about April. Then I told him word for word what Kelsey said to me.
"And that's when you punched her?" Adam asked me.
"Yes. It was literally just a knee-jerk reaction." I said.
"Kelsey essentially provoked you. And then you punched her a second time?"
"Yes. She screamed 'fuck you, bitch' to me- and I just lost it. That's when she fell to the ground."
"Okay. I have a better understanding now about what happened." Adam nodded.
"Am I going to have to stand in front of a judge and a whole courtroom?" I asked him.
"If he can't come to a plea agreement. I will have to be in contact with Kelsey's lawyer about that." Adam said.
"Just please...I can't go to jail. I'll do anything to avoid it." I said.
"I don't want you to worry about that. I am extremely confident that you will be getting no jail time. I'm good at what I do, Josephine." Adam said.
I laid in bed that night, completely unable to sleep. I had been texting with Ava, but she fell asleep a while ago. I looked at the clock on my phone. It was 3:14 AM. I figured I was most likely not getting any sleep tonight.
I turned on my lamp light and whipped out the journal I had been writing entries for April in. I started another one.
April,
My dumbass got arrested for you, essentially. I know that if you heard what happened you would be cracking up. But it made me so mad to hear someone say you deserved to be missing. You don't deserve any of this. I hope you're not suffering. I hope you're still here. I just want answers. I'm so tired of having so many questions. Please come home. I'd do anything to see you again.
-Josie
Curiosity was getting the best of me as I laid down in my bed. I decided to scroll Facebook. I found myself looking at Francesca's Facebook. There were some pictures of her at work- and I felt a pang one my chest when I saw some that April was in. I noticed one of them had April and a very attractive tall guy with tan skin and dark hair. They were standing close to each other, smiling. I looked at the tags. One was April's Facebook- which hadn't been updated since last August. The other I saw the name was "Ryan Rivera"
That had to be him, the Ryan that she had been hooking up with. Looking at the photo of them, I could see why. I decided to click on his profile. It was mostly public and he also didn't have too much on his page. I was scrolling through his photos, when I saw one of him and April. They were sitting together at the bar at The Salted Rim, and it was a selfie of the two of them. I saw what looked like a Margarita in front of April. She was smiling- more than I had ever seen her smile with Kenny. Then I noticed the date- and my heart started racing. It was the day April went missing. And the time said 1:15 AM. So this must've been right before April went missing. There was no way in hell Ryan didn't know something.
I opened up my messages. You bet I was sending him one.