❛ I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud ❜
- The Story Of Us, Taylor Swift

It's killing me to be away from Reese—to keep things from him. Ever since he left after making that comment about our friendship, things have been a bit weird.

Summer began just a few weeks ago, and no past summer has ever been this uneventful. I blame that on myself.

I'll admit, I am the one avoiding Reese. I mean, for the past year I thought I could keep this in, and we could go on with our friendship perfectly fine. What he said that night though, it made my mind go haywire.

I chickened out.

I could have continued the conversation, asked a question that would clear my doubts about his feelings without making it weird—somehow. But no, I told him off just like that. He couldn't have possibly been in a stable state of mind... right?

I might be avoiding him, but if I'm managing to do it so successfully, then it has to be because he is doing the same thing.

Why did he leave though? That's a question I'm still trying to answer.

I guess it was time. He had been staying with me for almost two weeks—which is a lot, even for him. It's confusing why he didn't tell me before he did. He usually tells me just about everything—from the stupidest things, to things that I don't even want to know.

Maybe I'm just crazy.

I'm not one for confrontations, I never have been. Maybe that's why I steered away from Reese's question. When I'm upset, I escape—I run away. After all, it's all I've ever known.

My family was never a good example, all my parents did was argue and argue. In the end, all that could stop the fighting was my Mother leaving. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm not all that different from her—I run away from my problems just like she did.

That can't be the right solution though, it doesn't provide any closure. But simply telling that to myself won't help.

I wander the aisles of Lee's Record Store in thought. What was supposed to be my weekly trip to the store in search of new music became but another flurry of thoughts about Reese and eventually my self doubts.

Yeah... I should definitely talk to him.

I can't stay away from him any longer—it's like I've grown accustomed to having him around all the time, that it's physically impossible not to. But, at the same time, I can't be around him without bursting.

"Do you need anything, Tess?"

My wide eyes shoot forward.

I was so zoned out, I completely forgot that I've been staring at a random Linkin Park record for the past minute, or God knows how long. One of the employees at the store, Sarah, looks at me with a concerned expression. She's one of the only people in the empty store and I'd consider her one of my only good friends. Other than the soft mumble of some folk song on the speakers, you could hear a pin drop. That only made this more awkward.

Sarah's pink streaked black hair and all the bright makeup on her face contrasts with her tan skin and surely catapults me out of my trance.

"Oh." I let out a nervous breath akin to a nervous laugh. "No, I'm just... looking around," I blurt out.

Her eyebrows raise at my strange behavior. "Okay..." she drags the word out as she gives me an inquisitive glance. "Is everything alright?"

I tense up at her question. "Yeah..." I look at the ground, but I can still feel her willful eyes on me. "...Kinda," I say and bite my lip.

The older girl leans against the register. "You wanna talk about it?" she asks with that welcoming tone of hers. She's always trying to ease her way into making me talk about my feelings. I have no idea how she does it so well. Sorcery, I say.

"Um... I just—I have a lot on my mind right now, you know." I give her a tight lipped smile.

"Tell me about it. Come on, is it school? Your family? Friends? Is it a boy? ...Maybe even a girl?" She lists like it's a guessing game. There it is again, her superpower. Her eyebrows raise in a friendly curve—she has to be hypnotizing me.

"No," I laugh at her eagerness, "I mean, I guess it's a friend—a boy." My thoughts U-Turn back to Reese just like they have for what seems like the past year.

"Ooh, what about him? Sarah grins. "... Did he do something to you?" Her grin quickly shifts back to the concerned look from before.

"He didn't do anything. But... he's my friend and things have been weird between us. I don't know." I turn back to the miscellaneous collection of popular records as if they're interesting. I don't know if I should vent to her about this, but the fact that she has know idea who I'm talking about brings me a sense of comfort.

"Well, if he's your friend, have you tried talking to him?" she suggests. Advice isn't exactly what I was looking for, but again, I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for. It's certainly not music records.

"No—it's not that simple." My brows furrow in frustration. I wish I could just tell him everything.

"Why not?" she asks.

My mind goes blank and I sigh. "Because—it's hard."

"Hm..." she pouts her lip in thought. "... Well, what have you tried doing about this?"

Yet another question I can't really answer. Truth is, I've done nothing but sulk and avoid the situation, which proves to be useless since it's all I can think about. I've told myself I'll talk to him... eventually. The right time simply just hasn't come yet.

Speaking of time, I glance up at the clock on the wall. 4:00 PM sharp. I think of what Reese would be doing right now.

It's about that perfect time after school at the Wilkersons where nothing is really going on. Everyone is either busy with work or bored out of their mind.

It makes me miss being able to absentmindedly walk into that house and see what the boys have planned for the day.

With Sarah bringing up talking... It could be so simple. I need to talk to Reese, and if I get there soon, I might be able to before my nervousness kills me.

For a few moments, I forget about the older girl leaning on the register, staring at me.

"Tess?"

I look at the ground as I piece puzzles in my head. "I'm sorry, I need to go." I break into a fast paced walk towards the door, fists balled. Sarah gives me a confused look as I scurry past her.

I have to find Reese, and like always, I know exactly where he'll be.

"Bye!" Sarah yells my way as I exit the door and head towards my bike, it's too late for me to answer her.

As I get on and start pedaling full speed towards one neighborhood, one house—and it's not mine.

My hair flutters furiously with the wind, blowing onto my face a few times. I just know it'll be even more of a mess when I get off.

I get to our street, and I slow down my pace, stopping when I ride into the Wilkerson's driveway.

I get off the bike, letting it drop to the ground in a haste. I slow down to take a few deep breaths and I swallow the lump in my throat as I approach the front door.

Okay, this is happening. It's only now that it hits me. I sort of have no clue what to tell him. I don't know if I should just confess everything or act normal and drop a few hints to see his reaction.

It's too late to dwell on that when I'm already inside the Wilkersons house.

Lois is ironing some clothes in the kitchen when her head turns to me stepping into the living room. Neither Malcolm nor Dewey seem to be home to my knowledge, which is convenient for my plans. Lois drops the flatiron when she sees me.

"Oh, hi, Tessa. It's been a while," she says kindly.

I quickly nod. "Yeah. Reese's here?" My voice comes out high pitched because of my nerves.

She frowns, she always senses when there's something off. "Yeah... He's in his room—"

"Okay!" I don't let her finish before hurriedly walking to the boys room.

Something unusual makes me slow down. The door is closed. Lois would never allow the boys to fully close it. I consider them lucky for still having it on it's hinges.

Why would he close his door? I shuffle through the worst case scenarios in my head.

"Reese?" I call out for him before lightly pushing the door open to look.

The scenario I didn't expect was for Reese to have company over. And I certainly did not expect that company to be a girl.

He practically flings away from her at the sound of his name. I can't even focus on who the girl is because I'm looking at him. My breath catches in my throat as I look at his surprised face. I guess he didn't expect me either.

For the first time ever, I feel unwelcome in his house—in his room. I revert my field of view to the ground.

The worst part is, he was so obviously just kissing that girl. He was kissing a girl—in his room. My Reese.

"Tess. Wh—what are you doing here?" he says. I can't even bear the sound of his voice.

I can't tell him, not anymore. I can't just storm out like I desperately want to either.

There is that sick feeling in my stomach and sinking feeling in my chest that I never thought could feel so strong. I desperately search through my mind that is so consumed by him for an excuse.

"Um—I... I wanted to ask you for my... Deftones CD back." That should do it, I mentally curse at myself for not coming up with something better.

I don't even know if it's a good enough excuse, I never ask for my things back. Plus, that album is supposed to be ours. Reese mowed a grumpy old neighbor's lawn so that we could be able to afford it last year. So we could listen to it together.

"Oh—yeah. I have that. Let me look for it," he says and walks over to look under his bed. The time it takes him to get there and find the box feels like eternity, and I just feel like I want to shrivel up and die.

I look up from my locked gaze at the ground for a second, and the girl is looking at me. From the millisecond that our eyes meet, I recognize her. I can't mistake those dark brown bangs and the permanent clueless look on her face: Bethany Montgomery. I know her from that one stuck-up clique of girls at school. Too cool to be a part of the huge girly clique and too rich to be a part of anything less. How did she even find Reese? I revert my eyes as quickly as possible.

This can't be good—whatever her intentions are with him.

Reese retrieves the album and walks back up to me. I don't look at him while I take the case from his hand, and of course our fingers brush.

God damn all of this.

I internally scream at the contact—that was the absolute last thing I needed to happen right now.

I wonder if this is killing him like it's killing me... or he probably just doesn't care. That's why he's with Beth. Stupid Tessa.

I stand there for a few idle moments, my mouth opens but not a word comes out. I remember what I was initially here for: to talk to him, to clear the air. But no, this is way more complicated than I ever would have expected things to get.

Why would he ask me that question the other night then? Why would he give me the slightest bit of hope he could feel the same?

Sometimes I wish we could communicate telepathically. Everything would be so much easier. Why shouldn't two people that spend just about every waking moment together be able to simply know everything about each other in real time? Wouldn't that be convenient?

I now not only hate my life, I hate the world and the universe. If it didn't have some sort of Vendetta against me, this wouldn't have happened. What'd I even do?

I guess this is all a sign I should be away from him. Sometimes friends need space.

I walk out of his room and rush through the hallway to the front door. Lois calls out to me but her voice falls on deaf ears. The tears welling up make me see tunnel vision to my house. My throat feels like it's closing up—that awful sensation I've always hated. It makes me feel weak.

I shut the front door of my house with all my strength, hoping it'll release any of the emotions I'm feeling. A few tears have already began trailing down my face, and I keep a hand over my eyes to stop them. I'm all alone in the house and yet it still feels embarrassing to cry.

I stand in the middle of my empty living room, my limp hands loosely clinging onto the CD. That damned CD. The urge to crack it out of it's case and break it in half is ever so strong.

I shouldn't be crying about this. I shouldn't care this much—I wish I didn't. I should have seen it coming that Reese isn't the one I should be falling for. Stupid, Stupid Tessa.

But, God, I miss him so much.

This isn't how it's meant to be with us. I can't forget him even if I wanted to—that would just mean that I'd forget myself.

That girl he's with, she's nothing like me. She doesn't look or act anything like me, and I guess that's what he needs. I can't believe I was ever stupid enough to think we could become what he said we could be: more.

All I want to do is scream in my pillow, so I do the closest thing to that, I cry into it all night. It's all I can do.

I go through the next two days sulking in bed.

Where else would I go? I cringe merely at the thought of seeing his face again, or anyone in his family for that matter.

However, the third day of wallowing in self-pity, there's a knock on my window.

I've kept my curtains shut to erase any chance of glancing into his room and seeing him. I try to pretend the knocking is in my head—there's no one at the window, but it persists.

I mutter every conceivable curse word under my breath. Whoever the hell it is is going to pay.

A sliver in the back of my mind is hopeful but at the same time anxious that it might be him—just a tiny sliver. I take a leap of faith and roughly open my curtain to reveal who's at my window.

Of course it's not Reese, instead, it's his brother. I open my window for the boy. I haven't seen him in days—he hasn't bothered to ask about me. What could he possibly want?

"What do you want, Malcolm?" I snap. That's probably the first time I've spoken to another human being since my interaction with Reese. My father doesn't even count as another person anymore.

"Tess!" He looks into my room and I frown at his strange behavior. "Listen, have you seen Reese at all? And I want you to be completely honest, this is really serious." he frantically says. Great, he's here to ask about Reese.

"No, I have not seen Reese. Now, is that all you want?" I reply, my tone coming out a lot more aggressive than I intended it to be, but it's strangely satisfying.

He lets out a long huff. "Damn it!" he curses, muttering a few more profanities under his breath. Something inside me clicks as I realize he's asking about Reese's whereabouts. If he's not at home or with me then where else would he be? Involuntary protectiveness washes over me.

"Why...? Where is he?" My face softens.

Malcolm shakes his head. "It's a long story... Reese isn't home and he left a note and everything."

"What?" Before any of this can register, I hear sirens coming from what seems like right outside my house. Malcolm's head whips toward the sound. "What was that?" I ask. It's pretty unusual for there to be police sirens considering Reese isn't around.

Yelling quickly ensues, and soon enough, the sound of more cars pulling up does too.

"Is that the press?" Malcolm mumbles. We exchange confused glances when we hear Lois and Hal's voices. Malcolm begins walking towards the sound and I exit my window as fast as I can to follow him.

When we get to the front porch, there is a group reporters and cops huddled around. The cops and what seems like a federal agent are restraining a man who's still in his robe.

Hold on... That's Hal! It's an amusing sight to say the least.

Dewey is watching the scene too and so are a few other neighbors. Surprisingly including my father, who is cluelessly standing by the front door to get a peek. As soon as Lois sees her two sons outside, she yells, "Boys, get back in the house!" This brings Hals attention to them.

"Boys, I love you very much. And don't worry about this. Believe in the american justice system!" He frantically yells.

"Sir, this is your last warning," the officer says before not hesitating to tase him. I cringe at his convuling form.

Okay, now this is one weird thing to wake up to.

Later that night, back at the Wilkerson house, Hal and Lois are discussing Hal's situation at the table while Malcolm and I continue trying to find Reese.

We sit at the picnic table in the backyard, a map of the neighborhood splayed out across it. My finger subconsciously find their way up to my mouth, to which I nibble at my nails in thought.

"I still don't understand. What'd you do to him?" I ask Malcolm. Really, what could possibly be Reese's last straw where he would up and leave? You would think these brothers have already done every terrible thing in the book to each other.

"I don't wanna talk about it." He looks away. As much as I can't bear the thought of Reese, I can't just sit here while he's alone somewhere out there.

The fact that Malcolm is asking me about his brother's whereabouts sends an ache through my chest, because I should be the only person that knows where Reese is—or where he could be. But right now, I don't have a single clue.

"So you're gonna ask me for help but not even tell me what happened?" I scowl at the younger boy.

"Okay!" he yells in retaliation. "So, you know Reese's new girlfriend?" he starts

Of course I do. It's all I've been thinking about for the past few days, but I don't say that.

"Yeah, kind of," I say.

"Well, I sort of... I've been hooking up with her behind his back and he found out... and today he's just gone—all he left was that note." He looks down in guilt as he speaks.

My eyes widen at his words. Even if I didn't necessarily approve of Reese's new relationship, how could Malcolm do that to his own brother?

"You did what?!"

He scoots away at the volume of my voice. "See, I knew you'd react like this!" I can tell he really feels bad, but this isn't the first time he's done something like this to Reese.

I let out a defeated drawn out sigh and take a look at the watch that's on my wrist. 11 PM. "If he's not here by now, then I have no idea where he could be. I mean, we've looked at the park, at Stevie's. I don't know."

"Ugh, I'm the worst brother ever," he says as he puts his head in his hands. I don't even know if I can argue with that.

"Hey, we'll look for him tomorrow morning at Craig's, alright?" I place a hand on Malcolm's shoulder. After failing to find Reese in the only places he could be, Craig is really the last resort.

Malcolm nods, his head still down, but I can feel the guilt radiating off of him.

The next day when we show up at Craig's doorstep, Reese is nowhere to be found at the man's home. Another one down, and still no Reese. A dead end.

It's starting to feel hopeless. Wherever he is, he's far gone.

It feels strange to walk into the Wilkerson house and not find him messing with his little brother or doing something silly like having a staring contest with the toaster in hopes it would work, it's strange to not be hanging out with him all summer. It feels downright wrong. But thats not the only thing different at the Wilkerson home.

Lois and Hal both lost their jobs because of this case Hal is involved in. Now, even though both Francis and Piama are staying over and everyone is constantly at home, the house seems emptier than ever.

I enter the kitchen earlier than usual, Lois is fixing some sort of breakfast with Piama helping her while Hal is still asleep—he needs it. It's that early time of morning where everyone is busy and it's quiet.

I greet the two women before going into the boys' room. A groggy looking Francis leans against the bathroom door, waiting for Malcolm to finish. A more awake looking cheerful Dewey says "Good morning" to me when he sees me at the door. It's refreshing.

"Good morning, Dewey," I smile at the younger boy. At least someone is having a good morning. He walks past me and into the hallway.

I'm left leaning on the doorframe of the messy room—way messier than it usually is, and by each day, it just seems to be getting worse. A sleeping bag on the floor, miscellaneous items scattered about.

If I'm completely honest, I'm not sure why exactly I'm here right now. Reese being missing has brought Malcolm and I together, even though we haven't really gotten closer to finding his whereabouts.

It takes a while for me to notice I'm staring at Reese's bed.

It doesn't even look like his bed anymore: Piama's suitcase on it and his navy blue bed sheets swapped for plain grey ones. Something about that makes my chest ache terribly, a sensation I'm familiar with whenever I think of him now. It's gone from that giddy feeling that makes me lightheaded to a horrible sick feeling in my stomach.

His family is so caught up with Hal's legal problems, Reese being missing is at the bottom of their list right now—hell, no one has even filed a missing persons case for him yet, and it's been more than a week!

I revert my eyes from his bed—it's too painful. I try to focus on anything else in the cluttered room, and Malcolm conveniently exits the bathroom just then, with Francis rushing in right after him.

He doesn't acknowledge me, instead, he grabs a tissue and blows his nose before tossing the now dirty tissue into the trashcan. My eyes unconsciously follow his mundane movements.

The trashcan.

I look at it again. There is something inside—a paper.

Hold on, is that my name?

My eyebrows furrow and I crouch closer next to the trash can that's by the desk. I pay no mind to Malcolm staring at me in confusion. My fingers apprehensively reach for the paper that caught my eye.

'TESS,' the part that's poking out reads in a large, messy all capital handwriting—I can almost instantly recognize it. I quickly pull it out from amongst the tissues and papers. I uncrumple it.

A letter.

I feel a rush as I stand up to take a better look at the piece of paper, my heartbeat speeds up and my breath gets uneven. It's a letter from Reese. My thoughts race and before I can even read it I'm rushing across the corridor so everyone can hear about this.

"Wait, what is that?" Malcolm says as he tries following after me. I finally stop in the middle of the living room.

"Did any of you know that Reese left me a letter?!" My voice raises way higher than it should so early in the morning. Hal tiredly looks up from his coffee at the sound of my voice. Lois, however, looks a lot more interested.

"What?" Malcolm and his mother say in unison.

I motion with the paper, "yeah, Reese left me a letter. And for some reason I'm only now finding out about it." I scan the room. "Did one of you throw this away?"

I only recieve confused stares in response.

I continue, "here, it says to 'Tess'." I point at the letters. I suspiciously turn to Malcolm, whose confused face doesn't falter. "Did you throw this in the trash?"

He defensively puts his hands in front of him, "No! I swear—"

"Well, what does it say?" Lois cuts him off.

It's only now I realize I haven't even read it yet. "I—it says..." I skim over his hard to read handwriting.

I LOVE YOU ALOT AND IM SORY. I JUST CANT LIV IN THIS HOUSE ANYMORE.
GOODBYE.

FROM REESE

I reread the first sentence once, and then twice, and then I forget that Lois is waiting for me to answer her question.

"So?" she asks.

I gulp. How can I begin to tell her what's written? "It... it doesn't say anything. I think he just... scrapped it," I lie and promptly walk away to avoid any further questioning. I've always been a bad liar. Reese would be able to tell.

I leave the house through the backyard door and enter mine, gripping the paper so tight that I could have torn it. The same three words written down echo on and on in my head as I pace around my room.

I love you.

I know that doesn't have to mean what I hope it does, but why would he write me a letter for something so stupid, and why would he add 'so much' right after it? It's not like he often tells me that. No, it has to be more.

But then, if he loved me the way I think he does, why would he have been with that girl in the first place?

None of it makes sense. I just want to go over to his house and simply ask him about it. We've never kept anything from each other, and now we're not even together to be able to do that anymore.

God! Why am I thinking about my romantic feelings for him when he could be missing and in danger right now?!

I huff and slump my bed. The mattress sinks down with my weight, and the bed lets out a sad creak. It's pretty emblematic of how I feel right now.

It feels almost evil of him to do this to me, even though he didn't mean for me to see that letter—however that somehow makes it ten times worse.

I just wish everything could be simple again, where the only thing troubling me was my parents' petty bickering in the other room giving me a headache and whether I would go over to the boys' for video games that night.

author's note:

Sorry for the super SUPER long wait, but I hope you all enjoy this chapter.
10k reads is CRAZY to me! Thank you all so much for the love <3