Dedicated to: SincerelyJulie :)

"Shut up and line up, Greenberg!" The gym teacher yelled. I flinched as I watched Charlie line up with me in the middle of the gym with everyone else.

I hate PE.

"Alright, you pansies!" Coach Jamieson yelled. "We'll be something different today- not basketball, as we were meant to." All the boys groaned, including Harper, who I had made sure I didn't have to stand next to. He was next to Bethany, and I was next to Emma and Charlie, Joshua on the other side of me.

"Coach, but basketball is fun, and it will really help us- "

"I don't give a damn, McCall!" He yelled. "What we're going to be doing is going to help you in life a lot more than basketball." Coach Jamieson turned to face all of us, raising an amused eyebrow. "I don't know if you pansies can handle it, but the school wants us to do self-defence. Like karate."

I let out a little yelp of surprise.

CoachJamieson spun towards me. "You got a problem with that, Ms Richards?"

I shook my head quickly.

Oh my gods, we're doing karate. We're sparring. Finally, something that I can actually do in PE.

As soon as the coach had turned away, Emma nudged me. "You got this!" She squealed quietly.

"Maybe," I replied. "Everyone here is probably stronger than me." Emma rolled her eyes. "Believe me, you've got this."

"Alright, pansies, yeah, yeah, you get it, karate," Coach yelled. "We're going to run through the basics before we do some actual sparring. Go grab some safety gear. Chest pads, sparring gloves, sparring footwear. Don't worry about getting hit- it doesn't hurt. Everything is padded. Now get a move on!"

I rushed to get my equipment on, and I, doing this on a weekly basis, had everything on much faster than everyone else. I awkwardly stood up from the ground, scanning over the rest of the struggling class.

"Richards, go help out some people if you're done." Coach ordered. I nodded meekly and went around, helping people buckle up the chest pads, fit on the strange foot/leg wear, and tighten the sparring gloves. When I got to Harper, I tightened my lips into a straight line. He didn't look directly at me, and I didn't look directly at him.

Let me just add that it was extremely hard, too. What with his gym shirt being very well fitted.

I gestured for him to turn around, slipping the chest pad over his shoulders and around his waist, before tightening it to fit his body snuggly. I moved so I was in front of him so I could I could tighten the buckles on his front.

"You might want to- " I looked up at Harper in surprise, a little shocked that he had spoken after I walked in on him and Bethany making out.

"Yeah?"

He brushed a strand of my loose red hair and tucked it behind my ear. "You might want to tie it up if you're fighting."

I blushed slightly. "Oh. Um, right." I flipped my hair down and pulled it up in a pony tail, before looking back up at Harper to resume helping him tighten the straps. He was biting his lip gently, but he didn't meet my eyes.

A few minutes later, Coach was teaching us how to do jabs (a type of punch) to the face, practicing on punching bags.

"You have to dart in and out quickly, pansies!" He yelled. "Use your hips to generate power! Use your legs! Lunge forward!"

He continued yelling, coming by to check all of our jabs. "Emma Jillington, you need to move forward and back much faster than that if you want to win a fight. Joshua Lloyd- is that even a punch? Bethany Rosewood- stop being a sissy, I don't give a damn if you broke your nail!"

He circled the whole class, yelling out orders. When he came to me, he stopped.

Oh gods, what have I done? I'm fairly sure I'm doing the jab right.

He narrowed his eyes. "Great work, Ms Richards."

My mouth fell open in surprise.

Oh my gods. Oh my gods. Oh my gods.

I watched as Bethany glared at me from the corner of her eyes and I just smirked.

We had run through most of the exercises within half an hour- jabs, reverse punches, roundhouse kicks to both head and body, hook kicks, and foot sweeps, before Coach Jamieson yelled at us to line up again. "Alright, pansies, we're going to have a mini tournament here. We're going to have a series of sparring matches, where you will spar people in this class- I don't care if you're a boy or a girl. Don't give me that look, Rosewood! I taught you everything you need to know for now. You'll pair up. Then the winners will fight the winners, losers will fight losers. To win a match, you have to make the person fall down. We'll see who comes out on top. NOW PAIR UP, PANSIES!"

Emma and I nodded in silent agreement and we moved so we were in front of each other on one of the safety mats used for sparring.

"I honestly don't know why I'm going to fight you," she sighed. "You're going to win anyway. You've been doing karate for years." She paused and then winked at me, a grin growing in her face. "But you go, girl. Crush these motherfuckers."

I grinned back and got into my ready position. "Go!" Coach yelled. Emma lunged forward, and all it took for me was to slide to the side and sweep her feet out from underneath her and she went tumbling to the ground. She groaned.

"Oh my gods, I'm so sorry!" I exclaimed, holding a hand out to her for her to hold. She took it and pulled herself up. "'Tis okay," she replied, stretching out her muscles in her arms. "Didn't really hurt that much. How did you move so quickly?"

I shrugged, blushing a little. "I don't know. You've seen me spar before!"

"Yeah, but not against me." She laughed. "Please destroy everyone else like you destroyed me. I need these bragging rights."

I nodded and saluted. "Yes, Ma'am."

"Alright, ladies," Coach Jamieson came up to us. "Who won this fight?"

I raised my hand. Normally, it would be meekly, but fighting gave me a sort of confidence. I almost caught a hint of a smile on Coach's face before he looked up, sober and narrow-eyed again. "Okay, Ms Richards. Go to Rosewood next."

Bethany?

I'll be fighting Bethany?

I can't tell if this is a dream or a nightmare.

I walked up to the mat, only to see Bethany giving me a strange look and shaking her head quickly. "Nope," she raised her hand in the air. "I'm not doing this, Coach Jamieson!"

Definitely a dream.

"Why not, Rosewood?" He yelled. "You skipped out the last fight. You have to do this one."

"But I just got my nails done yesterday!" She whined. I observed her fiddling on the end of her very tight tank-top. I looked down at my loose t-shirt.

"I don't care, Rosewood! Get out there and fight!"

By the time she sighed and tightened her gloves, most people were a little past halfway through their matches. I turned to her on the mat, and she huffed at me. Feeling a surge of confidence, I raised an eyebrow.

"Scared?" I challenged, stretching my arms. She narrowed her eyes fiercely.

"In your dreams, Nikki," She responded, stepping up opposite me on the mat.

Then the fight began.

She lunged for me first, and I dodged, launching a punch to the side of her ribs.

She's not even blocking her body.

She nearly hissed at me and tried to aim a jab at my face, but I hit it away with ease. Her attacks kept on coming- me blocking every single one of them. If it were a real competition, I would have landed at least twenty points by then. It was only when that thought crossed my mind when I noticed all the other pairs had finished, due to our late start. From the corner of my eye, I saw Emma grinning, and from the other was-

Harper.

He was watching us very intently, and I couldn't help but let my heart throb a little at his gaze. I may have stood up to his girlfriend, but there was no doubt that I was still completely in love with him.

I wonder who he wants to win?

Is that even a question? Bethany, of course.

That just made me angrier. So when Bethany, out of breath, went for her final punch, I slipped to the side and sent a roundhouse kick to her waist, knocking her off balance and sending her tumbling to the ground.

It sounds brutal, but nothing today could beat the feeling of winning a fight against Bethany.

I grinned, and Emma whooped from beside me. "YASSSSS, BITCH!" She yelled. I smiled at her and accepted her high five. The rest of the class, with the exception of a few sent me dirty looks, what with the whole social anxiety rumour still going around and all the hate that Amanda had pushing onto me. I admit, it hurt like hell, but this was my happy moment and I chose to try and ignore it.

"Richards," Coach called me over as the rest of the class began to chat, and Bethany was complaining to Harper, who looked like he wanted to run away.

"Yes, Coach?" I asked, walking over.

"You take karate?"

"Yes, sir."

"I can see that. You're good. Keep up the great work."

I gaped at him as he walked away. Coach Jamieson, the grumpy one who hated everybody, just complimented me. I grinned as I moved onto my next fight.

About four fights later, all of which I won- against three boys and one girl- Coach called for a break. I sighed, grabbing my water bottle and sitting on the floor, trying to angle my legs into the most flattering position possible, where they wouldn't look too fat. I had enough rumours and hate directed towards me. I would like to simmer it down a bit.

"Hey, babe," Joshua called, taking a seat next to me on the ground. "Hi," I replied. He grinned and rubbed my back, which I found a little strange.

"You were amazing out there," He commented. "Didn't know you could fight so well."

"Well," I blushed at the compliment. "That's only because there is an open space. I always get beaten when it's a much smaller area, because my opponent can pin me against the wall. I'm not very strong- I rely on speed- so that is a nightmare for me, because I can't escape."

He nodded and continued to rub my back. His touch felt invading. I scanned the room, looking for Emma and sending her a 'help me' look. She nodded and came over.

"Hi," She nodded to Joshua then turned to me. "Noelle, you want to help me put on my chest pad again?" I replied with a quick 'yes' and stood up quickly. I followed her to the mats, and silently thanked her in my head. I was glad she didn't ask questions about Joshua, because I had no way to explain that I didn't want to get touched by my boyfriend.

I put the chest pad on her, and began to help her to tighten the buckles. "I'm so proud of you right now," Emma smiled. "You've won six matches so far. That's amazing."

"A lot more to fight, though," I sighed. "It's double PE today, remember?"

Emma groaned. "Oh gods, no. I have to be in a room with sexually aroused guys for one more hour." I gave her a weird look and she sent me one back. "What? You haven't noticed? Every guy here thinks you're really hot, fighting. I'm pretty sure they're all desperately trying to cover their boners."

"EW!" I squealed. "That's disgusting."

Emma rolled her eyes. "Jesus, Noelle."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone was about to fight their last fight, I was stretching one more time, waiting for Coach to come and tell me who I was fighting.

"Richards?" He called. I nodded, walking up to him. He smiled.

That's right- smiled.

"If you win this match, you win the entire mini tournament, seeing as you have won every one of your fights, and will be fighting someone else who has done the same. If you win, you get- epic bragging rights."

I frowned and nodded nevertheless.

"Good. Now you will be fighting... Andrews, over at that mat."

Really?

I inwardly groaned, and anxiously made my way to the mat. As soon as Harper saw me, he shook his head quickly and raised his hand, eyes wide in surprise.

"Coach?" He asked. Coach Jamieson walked over to us. "What's the matter, Andrews?"

Harper shook his head again. "I can't fight Noelle."

"Why ever not?"

"I can't hit a girl!"

"Bullcrap, Andrews. You had no problem fighting other girls."

"Yeah, because it doesn't hurt to get hit with all this padding and stuff!" He retorted.

"I don't see how that is going to be any different for Ms Richards, Andrews."

Harper stopped in his tracks. "I just don't want to punch her," he almost whispered to Coach. "I can't do that." I think he intended for me not to hear.

"I don't care, Andrews. Get to it."

He sighed as Coach walked away, running a hand through his hair. I narrowed my eyes at him. "Why can't you fight me?"

"Now's not the time, Noelle," he sighed, running a thumb over his lip slowly.

God, why does he have to look so sexy?

"Fine," I replied bitterly. Harper's eyes caught on my wrist for a second. "You want to take those bracelets off before we fight?"

I stiffened, glancing down at my left arm. I had plastered it with bracelets to cover up the scars of my self inflicted cuts- old and new, ones that I had been cutting down my arm every day or two, for the past week and a half. I prayed to God that Harper wouldn't realise what they were.

"No." I answered quickly. "I'm okay."

It looked like he wanted to say something more, but he just shook his head, biting his lip. I longed to lean forward just a little more and press my lips to his.

But, of course, I couldn't do that.

I stood in my position, and we began the fight.

I could tell that Harper was holding back a little bit.

"Stop it," I growled, aiming a punch at his torso, and succeeding. "Stop going easy on me."

"I'm not," he protested, hitting me gently, which I easily blocked.

"Yes, you are," I insisted, kicking his side. "Do you think I can't handle it?"

"No," he responded quickly. "I know sure as hell that you can handle it, Noelle."

I huffed, frustrated. "Then why aren't you fighting me!" I exclaimed, my face heating up. Out of anger, I sent a jab straight to his face, lunging forward. I prepared myself for impact, when-

Harper caught my hand.

I stopped straight in my tracks. He did too. I hadn't been this close to him in so long, his face a mere three or so inches in mine. My heart tightened as his cool breath washed over my face. I looked into his beautiful green eyes, so bold and so bright and so achingly familiar that it hurt.

It hurt like hell.

I miss him.

And I love him.

And I want him back.

This is not the time for a pity party.

So, catching him off guard, I sent one last finishing strike, sweeping him off his feet and sending him tumbling to the floor.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Safe to say, I won that day.

Flash forward two weeks, nearing the end of March, and things have stayed the same around Harper and I. We don't talk to each other as much as I wish we could, and Bethany and Amanda have become even ruder, bullying me regularly, along with their little cronies. Everyday ended bad, with a razor to the wrist, but I still refused to tell anybody.

I couldn't be comfortable with Joshua. Every moment I was with him, I was constantly on edge, afraid that something would go terribly wrong. But he was nice to me- sure, he had his rude moments where he would just snap, but that's only human, right?

I was standing outside the school, waiting for Joshua so he could drive me home, reading one of my favourite books: City of Glass.

I sighed in content. What with my life getting so crazy, I was finding it difficult to have time to read. I always found myself in a depressing mood, and the alarm bells in my head were telling me that maybe I was falling into a depression.

I refused to believe it.

"You, bitch!" Someone screamed from the entrance to the school. I looked up to see a very annoyed Amanda stalking towards me. I flinched.

I don't want her to bully me anymore... what is she going to do?

"What the hell?" She shrieked. "Why haven't Harper and Bethany broken up yet?"

I gave her a strange look. "How should I know?"

"You were meant to break them up!" She close to screamed. "I told you to do that, didn't I?"

I faltered back a little. "Well, I- "

She huffed, threw a little tantrum, and stomped off. I let my head fall into my hands.

Oh, gods.

"What's up, babe?" Joshua asked, strolling up to me and planting a kiss on my cheek. I shook my head by instinct. "Nothing. Nothing at all."

He rolled his eyes. "Okay then. Then why are you looking like something is wrong?"

Ouch.

I'll pretend that didn't hurt.

I shrugged. He sighed, opening the door of his car. "Come in. You're helping me with Physics homework, right?"

I shrugged, surprised. "I guess... ?"

"Good." He grinned and kissed my cheek. "Let's go."

When we got out of the car at his house, he led me upstairs, and I took the time to glance around the house. His corridors were almost bare, plastered with the occasional picture of Joshua with his family. I realised I didn't know much about Joshua's parents, apart from the fact that they were against people being gay- namely Alfie. That instantly made me dislike them.

When we reached his room- a typical boy one, with pictures of half-naked girls on the wall- he flopped onto his bed, pulling the Physics work out of his bag. I gingerly took the spot next to him, looking through the sheets of paper. "Um... Joshua? This isn't physics. It's chemistry."

"Close enough," he muttered, before pushing the papers off the bed and leaning forward to kiss me.

Though surprised, I kissed him back. It was normal, it was boring, but Joshua didn't seem to think so. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pushing me back on the bed so he was hovering over me, knees either side of my hips. The kiss was fierce and I could feel the neediness radiating off him. I felt utterly uncomfortable, so much that I wanted to scream- his hands brushing up and down the side of my body. He pressed his body even further into mine and I winced, his skin feverish and rushed over my hips. Finally, he pulled away, and I thought he was going to stop.

He didn't, and off went his shirt.

His lips once more pressed against mine, heated and fierce and lustful.

I couldn't take it.

"Joshua, stop." I muttered when he moved his lips to kiss the skin on my jaw. He didn't listen, continuing kissing.

"Joshua!" I close to exclaimed. He didn't do anything to halt his actions, moving his kisses to the neckline of my shirt, getting dangerously close to my chest.

"Stop!" I yelled at him. "Stop!" His hands brushed over my breasts, going to the bottom hem of my shirt and sliding his arms inside, his skin disgustingly brushing my stomach. My heart was racing, and tears were forming in my eyes. His hands touched the bottom of my bra.

"Stop it!" I screamed. "Stop it!" With that, I kicked him in the groin, and he fell of the bed, groaning in pain.

"You jerk!" I yelled, leaping off the bed, shaky from what had just happened. I adjusted my shirt, shuddering just remembering the feeling of his hands on me. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

His hands were on me.

His hands were on me.

His hands were on me, and something could have happened.

"Noelle- " He looked at me, his face utterly shocked, filled with guilt. He reached out for me, but I screamed and moved back.

"Don't you dare even try and touch me!" I yelled.

I can't do this.

Unable to stand just being in a room with my boyfriend, I ran out of his room, racing down the stairs, and darting out of the house, my heart beating rapidly, a horrible feeling invading my chest.

What would have happened if I couldn't kick him off?

Would he have...

I let out a strangled cry, not wanting to think about it. However, as soon as I set foot out of his driveway, I was pelted with a running shoe, hitting me directly on the side of my neck.

"Hey, Nichola, you bitch!" A voice screamed gleefully. Fearfully, I spun around to see Bethany, Amanda, and their little group of cronies cackling at me, holding a plastic bag full of shoes. Amanda grinned menacingly.

"Did you sleep with Joshua, you slut?" She screeched, laughing evilly. My chest tightened, and the familiar feeling of panic surrounded me, clamping down onto my body, consuming me completely.

"Aw, look!" Bethany yelled. "She's having one of those- what was it? A panic attack!"

Does Harper know this side of his girlfriend?

I ran like the coward I am, before they could hurt me anymore.

Well, mentally and verbally, at least. I got hit by at least two more shoes before I managed to get away, the tears streaming down my face, now in rapid succession, my vision blurring, and me lungs having trouble finding air.

I ran like I had never before, rounding round street corners before I finally reached my house. Mom was never at home since our fight, and Lana was out with her, presumably, so I was all alone in the dark house. I sprinted up to my room, before collapsing on the bed and sobbing.

I didn't want to cry.

But I had to.

For Harper, for Bethany and Amanda spreading cruel rumours, for the fight with my mom that I didn't have the courage to apologise for. And for Joshua- someone I thought was a good person- who would have possibly raped me if I didn't stop him.

I shook my head fiercely to myself, remembering the sickening feeling of his skin on mine, his lips smashing themselves on my own, his hands running inside my shirt-

I nearly screamed, the tears flowing even harder. I had to do something. Something to get the feeling of him off of me.

I stood and reached over to my curtains, about to pull them closed, not wanting a replay of the last time I had a panic attack in my bedroom and Harper had called Emma. Before I closed the silky fabric, I caught a glimpse of Harper sitting in his room with Jenna, supposedly throwing a little tea party for her dolls. He was sitting criss-cross-applesauce on his bed, wearing one of Jenna's tiaras. I admit, it raised my mood slightly.

Jenna may not know it, but she has Harper wrapped around her little finger. He'd do anything for her.

I allowed myself to smile for a little, before all the memories of Harper breaking my heart came flooding back. I shook my head even harder, dashing into the bathroom, hoping that a shower would wash everything away. The hot water did almost nothing to soothe my frantic, chaotic mind, if anything, fuelling it even more.

I hated my life.

Sure, I wasn't starving, I wasn't dying on the side of the road from some disease.

But I was heartbroken, hurt by everything around me, and I was dying inside from a depression that had building up over the last few weeks, that was finally deciding to burst. I had a feeling the after effects would be bad.

The razor had become my best friend, and it was there for me again, right after the shower. The pain took everything away, everything that was bothering me, and shoved it in a corner for the time being. The pain was refreshing.

I lay on my bed, still sobbing, still cradling my bandaged wrist and letting tears slip down my face, as I fell into a deep sleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke to banging on my door, and I shot up in bed. My head was pounding and my wrist ached painfully. But, nevertheless, I slipped a sweater on and headed down the stairs, careful not to wake anyone up. I doubt Lana or my mom were in the house- Mom was probably avoiding me and sleeping at Maggie's with Lana.

I opened the door, my eyes still weary with sleep as I yawned. "What do you want- "

I stopped still when I saw Harper grinning back at me. "Hi." He waved goofily, looking utterly adorable.

"What the- " I paused, before leaning forward slightly and sniffing.

Of course. He's drunk.

"Um, hey," I awkwardly greeted.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? I WAS CRYING BECAUSE OF YOU ABOUT TWO HOURS AGO. GO AWAY. IT'S LIKE 11 AT NIGHT.

He giggled- not lying, giggled- and walked into my house, plopping himself on my sofa. I approached him cautiously. "What are you doing here?"

He frowned, as if realising something, grin completely obliterated. Then he closed his eyes and opened them again, the green orbs filled with confusion and pain. "I don't know," he responded simply.

I sighed, sitting next to him on the sofa, no matter how heartbroken I was. The last time he was drunk, he wouldn't stop talking about how beautiful he found me.

"How drunk are you?" I asked.

"About seven camels," he responded. "Maybe a few chickens."

Jesus.

We sat in silence for a long time, Harper twiddling with his thumbs, before he spoke.

"Your hair looks really cool. Like fire." He commented, before reaching out to touch my cheek and prod it gently. "Must explain why you're so hot."

What the hell?

Did he just-

Shut your heart's fluttering down, Noelle. He is as drunk as a skunk.

But the gesture, the comment was so achingly familiar to the Harper I knew, I couldn't stop the first tear leaking out of my eyes. He frowned.

"Why are you crying?" He asked, genuinely worried. "Do you have a boo-boo? Should I kiss it better?"

I laughed a little through the tears, tempted to say yes.

After all, it wasn't like I was with Joshua anymore after what would have happened.

But Harper is still with Bethany. I'm not taking advantage of the fact that he is drunk.

I didn't respond to his question, and just watched as he looked me deeply in the eyes, his expression full of worry. Suddenly, before I could react, Harper leaned towards me and pulled me into a hug. I stiffened.

He's hugging you.

He's hugging you.

Oh my gods, for the first time in so long, too long, he's hugging you.

Do something!

So I did, wrapping my arms around his neck while his coiled around my waist. I pulled myself towards him, and he accommodated, pulling me even closer. My heart was racing frantically and he buried his head in the crook of my neck, squeezing me tightly.

I missed his hugs.

"I miss you," he slurred. "More than George misses Fred."

I held on even tighter to him, breathing in the familiar lemongrass, knowing that this was probably the last time I would be this close to him in a long time if he kept dating Bethany.

So I savoured the moment, knowing that he was drunk and he wouldn't remember anything the next day. "I miss you too."

He pulled away from the hug, looking at me with sad eyes. "I miss you," he repeated. I swallowed, my heart breaking.

"You said that already. And you're drunk, Harper, you don't mean it- "

He cut me off. "No," He shook his head fiercely. "You don't get it."

"What do you mean- "

"I tried to leave here," he sighed, keeping my gaze. "I really did. When I left the party, I kept trying to go back to Bethany's house, to Max's house, to Axel's house, but I always ended up somewhere else." He swallowed. "I always ended up here. I always ended up by your front door, even if I tried to walk away. I always ended up coming back here. To you."

It was my turn to swallow back tears.

He doesn't mean it. You know he doesn't.

"Harper," I sighed, my voice tight."You're absolutely drunk. Just- you can sleep here, tonight, okay?"

He opened his mouth to protest, but I cut him off. "Please don't argue. I'll set up the couch for you."

I darted out of the room into the store room, picking up a few blankets and a pillow. I tried not to think while doing so, knowing that I would most probably break down and cry my eyes out even more if I did.

Stupid Harper.

When I came back to the room, he was already fast asleep, eyes closed peacefully. I smiled a little and lay the blanket over his calm body, tucking the pillow carefully under his head. I sat down on the sofa, next to him for a second, carefully touching his cheek.

"Jerk," I whispered. I gave him one last longing look before heading up to my room.

EARLY UPDATE AND A LONG CHAPTER

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Can someone help me and tell me how to get your banners up on each chapter? Thankssss

DID YOU LIKEY THIS CHAPTER

As for my post about self-image- thank you for being so kind, guys. I'll be replying to you all shortly :)

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA

#5 IN TEEN FICTION HOLY SHIT, YES

Ahhhhhhh im so tired rn

Goals: 1000 votes?

Dedication: Joshua... Bethany... HARPER?

ILYYYYY

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