[not proofread but i wanna sleep lol]

"i can't believe you helped him sneak out of the house!"

bogum stood in front of them, clearly angry. all seven boys stood by the front door, side by side; they had gotten caught right as they had walked back into the house.

"he's literally one more skipped meal away from a feeding tube, and you're telling me that you ran three miles with him?" he sounded incredulous, waving his arms around to emphasize every word that left his lips. "where did you even go?"

"well..." seokjin spoke up hesitantly. "we went and found this tree... and we just..."

"a tree? you snuck him out to see a tree?" bogum said, still in disbelief.

"we just talked for a few hours," namjoon added. "we all sat down for a bit and talked and then we walked back."

"and when did you get him out of the house?"

they were all silent until hoseok spoke. "he... jumped out the window...?"

he said it like a question, wary of the fact that bogum was still angry.

maybe angry was an understatement.

"the window? are you kidding me? he could have died!"

taehyung bit his lip, a smile threatening to make its way onto his face. bogum noticed, features slowly softening.

silence remained for a few more suffocating and agonizing seconds before bogum spoke in a softer, less angry tone.

"you had fun, didn't you?"

he looked at their flushed faces, at their frozen hands and feet and small smiles even as they were being scolded. their cheeks were red from running in the cold and taehyung especially looked undeniably weak and tired, but nonetheless they all looked happy: happy in a way that therapy and medication didn't offer.

"go upstairs and go to bed," bogum said. "i'll figure out punishments for you all tomorrow, but you need sleep right now."

the anger seemed to have been drained out and the boys slowly made their way to the second floor.

genuine smiles left each of their lips as they parted to their rooms.

taehyung immediately took a seat on his bed, legs feeling shaky and unstable. he watched jimin and jungkook each sit down on their beds too.

"tonight was fun," taehyung said. "thanks for taking me with you."

"no problem," jimin grinned, slipping off his socks and dropping them onto the floor as he crawled under his blankets. "it was fun having you with us."

jungkook nodded in agreement, laying down as taehyung turned off the light from his lamp.

"good night," taehyung said. "thank you."

"you too tae," jimin said. "sleep well."

* * *

a few days later, yoongi walked in on taehyung changing.

he had been in the far corner of his room, gently pulling an oversized sweatshirt over his head when yoongi stepped into the room to call him downstairs for lunch.

"hey, tae? it's time for-"

he stopped mid sentence as taehyung turned around shirtless, emaciated body on display for yoongi to see.

he hated to say it, but yoongi was just a bit shocked.

"it's time for lunch."

the reality of the severity of taehyung's eating disorder seemed to suddenly hit him like a truck. protruding bones were prominent beneath the boy's sickly pale skin, almost in a horrifying way. his arms were frail, his wrists were bird bones. his collarbones looked dangerously pronounced.

and the bruises.

there were dark bruises everywhere, all from his weak state. his spine was certainly covered in them; they ran over the bumps like tattoos.

taehyung seemed to know what yoongi was thinking.

"it's gross, isn't it?" he said. "my body. isn't it disgusting?"

he smiled bitterly, leaning over to pick up another shirt.

"you're just... so thin," yoongi said. "it's not anything near disgusting, tae. just a little concerning." he paused, shuffling his feet a bit in discomfort. "how long has it been since you ate?"

"oh i don't know," taehyung replied. he pulled the shirt over his head, and yoongi saw how loosely it wrapped around his skeletal frame. "just two days or so. i ate an apple a couple days ago." he smiled. "i've went longer though; it's fine."

yoongi bit his lip. "can you... try eating something today?" he asked. "just try. you don't have to, i promise. but just... could you think about it?"

taehyung forced another fragile smile. "maybe. i don't know." he made his way to the door, tugging on yoongi's hand. his hands were only bones. "it's lunchtime, right? let's go downstairs."

yoongi nodded, letting taehyung guide him down the stairs.

* * *

january 12th, 2015.
journal entry 137.

i hate myself.

you want to know why?
you want to know what it's like to be me? why i bother hating myself so much?

imagine this.

you stand on a scale. watch the numbers rise. they stop.

what is the number? is it just a number? isn't it everything?

imagine that number being the measure of your self worth. now: the next day, the number is bigger. what do you do?

you restrict. restrict until you can't bear it anymore, until the hunger pains cease to fade away and ache until you can't walk. now you eat.

but it's never that easy, is it? you eat, and once you start, you don't stop. the days of starvation have caught up to your self control.

ah, look at the mess you've made.

you're getting fatter; you fucked up, as usual.

now what, you ask?

now, you drink water. drink water until you're too full to drink any more.

now go to the bathroom.

get on your knees. this is your surrender. this is you giving into whatever monster there is inside of your head telling you what you need to do to be beautiful.

your knees are used to this, used to the sensation of cold bathroom tiles against the old bruises.

take your fingers and stick them straight down your throat. let everything out. it doesn't matter if there's blood. just get it out of you before you get fatter.

this is how you die. you've surrendered by kneeling, and you've killed your soul by puking it out. it's okay though; it's not once or twice you're going to die. this is a cycle.

it's endless and vicious. there is no end until your physical death. you died the moment you stuck something down your throat. that's where you died.

when you die in that your breath stops and your heart freezes over, that is not death. that is freedom. it's your escape.

death is not laying in a coffin and being buried six feet under. that is your soul being freed.

death is insecurity and self hatred.

you could die a million times before you leave the face of this earth.

so, do you see what it's like?

isn't it sad?

isn't it sad how i hate myself so much that i kill myself countless times over and over again just to feel okay?

do you see why i hate myself?

this is why.

this is why i hate myself, and this is why i want to die.

-taehyung

* * *

"hey, taehyung? how did your eating disorder start?"

jimin sat on the edge of his bed, elbows rested on his thighs as he spoke. the room was dimly lit as it was late at night. jungkook lay sleeping soundly, and taehyung sat on his bed facing jimin.

"what do you mean? like why?"

"yeah. why."

"it started with a diet," taehyung said. "i was fourteen and i thought i was fat, so i started counting calories. i puked up my meals for a while when i was fifteen or so, but that stopped when i hit sixteen and i just restricted from then on. why?"

"just wondering," jimin said. "funny. mine happened a lot like yours."

taehyung wrapped himself tighter in his blanket. "it's cold," he murmured. "why is it always so cold here?"

"it's because you're too skinny," jimin told him, nonchalantly. "it won't feel so cold once you hit 50 kilograms, trust me."

"i do trust you. i just don't trust myself." he laughed a bit. it was cynical. jimin noticed but didn't comment.

"what do you do for fun?"

"oh, i don't know," taehyung said. "i like singing. and i write a lot. it helps me get my thoughts out."

jimin smiled. "we have a studio for yoongi and namjoon; you should go sing with them. and you should show me some of your writing sometime."

"only if you show me your dancing."

"that's only if i get better," jimin retorted. "relapses are unpredictable."

taehyung leaned back into his pillow and pulled his blanket closer. "i'm tired. let's sleep; it's getting late."

"yeah, good plan," jimin said, leaning over to turn off his light. "good night tae."

"night."

a/n:
im back!

well, sort of lol.

i'm going to be honest and say things haven't gotten muCh better, but i just kind of missed writing so i wrote this at midnight haha.

i wont be updating frequently --- mostly because of schoolwork and such. big exams are next year and they're what get me into college so im going to be preparing for that. it's funny cause i'm fifteen but it's expected that i decide what i want to do for the rest of my life before i can legally drive or drink alcohol (where's the logic fr).

ive been really really considering seeking professional help for what's going down right now cause it's never been so bad, but that would mean telling my parents everything and while they do care about me, they seem to care about all the wrong things. they care about what i do but not why i do it so it's just a little frustrating sometimes.

sorry for this slight vent here haha, might delete it later but i needed it off my chest.

anyways, i hope you're alright with the fact that this whole chapter was just a mess of dialogue and emotional vomit hAH. thanks for reading. ;)

(ps. thank you for all of the amazing and supportive comments on my last chapter. they made me cry okaY:,-) )