SYNOPSIS:

Penelope Williams is dead.

On May the 30th, she threw herself over a cliff and her family and friends into broken hearts and grieving. It was a tragedy for all.

Or so they said.

Following the events leading up to Penelope's death, that takes us to the spiralling disaster that was her life.

Secrets and lies kept on pushing her until she fell. It was up to her friends and family to keep her sane; but they all just let her down until she drowned.

GENRE: Teen fiction

Author: madharleyhatter

PART 1: FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Title: 4/5 - Interesting title. I kind of like it better than what you had before, it just seems to have a slightly deeper meaning. I am instantly thinking about who is Penelope and what happened to her. Why is she now a memory? Good.

Cover: 4/5 - The cover is absolutely perfect. It's all blacks and greys and whites with the title standing out from the image behind. I like how you have some sentences pertaining to your story in the gaps of the title.

Synopsis: 2/5 - In terms of your synopsis, I think maybe you might want to rewrite some of it. The general idea is good, you are giving the reader a little hint of your story with just enough to draw them in. The problem lies in your execution. It's a little discombobulated it I'm absolutely honest with you. I get what you are trying to convey but it needs a little work.

Right okay, so you start off with telling us Penelope Williams is dead. Then the next sentence is a mess. It's doesn't make sense and I'm not quite sure what it means. Maybe think about adding a few more words to tell us how her friends and family felt. (Hell, maybe split it into two sentences to make it flow better).

The next part is the 'following the events leading up to' again, it doesn't flow right. I feel like you need to add more to describe a little. Help us understand what you are trying to say.

Basically, I feel like this needs to be rewritten. I usually like to take a part of the synopsis I feel needs work and 'fix it' so to speak. Kinda give my critiquee an example of how to improve. I'm not quite sure HOW to help you as the whole thing reads a little funny. Definitely read this out loud to yourself and you'll see what I mean.

Plot: 2/5 - I just want to point out how much I appreciate you including numbers for people to call if they are feeling suicidal, considering the theme of your book. This is something that I feel reflects well on you as a human being.

I'm lost. Reading the intro I gather that the mother and Penelope are in a different location but later on she asks if she can go to her room. In which case maybe tweak the beginning where Penelope talks about walking. Add something like 'I'll walk back' which lets the readers know where she is. You repeat needed twice in the two sentences. Maybe 'I could do with the exercise' would be more fitting.

She was walking down the stairs slowly and now she's running? Keep it consistent or have a small bit saying she rushed down the stairs. And why is she 'calling' this suggests that she's a lot further away from her mom but she isn't.

You have given us as readers a little insight into what the MC did and how she got to the cliff. However I feel like it moved a little too fast. There was not enough description which made it feel rushed and I really did not feel empathic or connect to the MC.

Characters: 3/5 - You imply that the mother is the reason why the MC committed suicide yet I'm not feeling it. There is nothing from what I read that lets me even glance at the possibility that something happened to cause animosity. Add a little more depth to her character as she is a bit flat at the moment. Also, describe her mannerisms. You don't have to explicitly SAY that the mother and daughter have a strained relationship, you can show it through the tone of voice, what she says and what her body says.

You say that the mother has a concerned look on her face as Penelope is coming down the stairs. Don't tell us that. Describe the 'concern'. Is her brow furrowed, shoulders hunched, knuckles white from gripping the stair railing too tight? I need description.

The MC didn't come across to me as suicidal. She seemed calculated and not at all emotional. Everything was not described enough (in terms of her emotional state) that I could not connect with her. It was all 'this happened' and 'that happened'. It all read a little distant, if you know what I mean. This is easily solved by adding (again) more description to her.

Don't include the random 'teenager' as you haven't even described him. He doesn't really need to be there unless you say something about how it links in with how the MC feels about life. Focus more on her surroundings, what doe she hear, smell, how does that make her feel?

SPG: 3/5 - There were a few issues I found in this section. But a good proofread should help you to weed them out. I've given you a few examples below.

- First thing I noticed: you have titles the chapter 'epilogue' this means an ending of the book and it makes no sense. Maybe what you should put instead is 'preface' as it is a beginning of the ending of the book.

- Your tenses are all over the place. You say that Penelope 'rubbed three fingers' but then later say 'Penelope says' in response to something her mother asks. You are using both present and past. You seem to be mainly using past so I suggest you tweak it a little and change the wrong tense words.

- 'Penelope sighed. and then rubbed the sleep from her eyes...' you don't need the full stop (typo) to make the sentence flow better. Remove the 'then' too.

- 'Blue shorts' not 'blur'

-Don't add 'or whatever' this is 3rd person narrative following Penelope. It would be more suited to a first person dialect as it would be a person's thought. You could just change that part into italics and have the MC think it instead.

WOULD I RECOMMEND: NO (not right now. I think it needs a little more work)

TOTAL RATING: 18/30

PART 2: THE REST

Chp 2. 0.1

Is it chapter one or a prologue. You cannot have both here as the first part suffices as one.

'Their moms'' is supposed to be 'moms' because the apostrophe is in place of the 'is' which would make sense in terms of your sentence.

I think you may be overusing the ';' a little too much. For example 'they were four; sealing their friendship...' these should be two separate sentences instead.

'The all parents have at the supermarket; most definitely lasting longer than 5 mins' maybe you meant 'that' (typo). Again overuse of the ';'

The ending confused me a little bit. Mackenzie didn't realise that her and Penelope were drifting apart, but then you say something about being put in a hole too deep to climb out of that that ultimately leading to her death. Whose death? Because I KNOW that Penelope is the one who commits suicide but this makes it seem like it was Mackenzie.

Overall: This was a chapter which gave more insight into and introduced Mackenzie to the readers. It also told us a little more about what kind of person Penelope was. However I feel like this chapter was maybe a little redundant. It could have been given to us slowly and in pieces as we read further into the story.

Chp 3. 0.2

It is too rushed. You need to slow the pace down and add some descriptions. Help us imagine what these characters look like and act like. For example, you say Penelope's friends all had fake nails and lashes with a full face of makeup. This is too much of a generic description. You need to tell us specifically, especially if they are pertinent to the story. Even one sentence would be enough, just something to help us create actual people in our minds.

You say that 'Tanya' is gorgeous but you only say she has 'sparkling green eyes' nothing about the rest of her appearance. Is she stick thin? Does she have almond shaped eyes? Eboney skin? Pert nose? These may seem like insignificant little details but they honestly help with character development.

You need a comma (not a full stop) 'I have an idea,' sneered Tanya.

'...dummy' she laughed, flipping her hair. You need a full stop after 'dummy'. You can also tell us what kind of hair she has. Eg' flipping her blonde/ red/ mahogany hair (maybe even add 'over her shoulder')

I think it would be more effective if you actually had Penelope read the script. That way the readers can see how harsh she was being. As it stands, we have to take your word for it and thus lessening the impact of Penelope's evil behaviour towards Mackenzie.

Overall: Again, as I have said previously, the pace needs to be slowed down considerably and more details need to be added.

I'm not quite sure who's perspective you are following as it seems to be flipping between Mackenzie and Penelope. This doesn't seem right to me. Decide on who the follow and stick to their thoughts otherwise the story is all over the place.

Chp 4. 0.3

I like the beginning of the chapter. Maybe scrap the rest and go straight to 'Penelope's routine was'. I think it just flows better that way.

'And Penelope didn't like it one bit.' Keep this part and remove the other sentence. This one is more effective on its own.

You say 'she didn't like how THEY were asking her...' tell us who 'they' are first. 'Her new friends'?

Too many 'her's in the next paragraph. 'She didn't like the way the asked her if MACKENZIE'S parents were home'.

I like the jellyfish reference, it made me smile.

How many girls are there and what are their name. You have to tell us before so we know who is part of the 'gang'.

'...clutching something,a mad crying' I have no clue what this means.

'Oh.' awkwardly said Penelope. Don't say that she said it awkwardly, show us. How was she sanding? Did she cringe? There needs to be more details.

Right so that was the end of the chapter. What happened to the birdie? At least finish that part off.

Overall: Not going to repeat myself. You need more description and the pace needs to be slowed down.

Chp 5. 1

So if Mackenzie is the one who committed suicide, why does it say that Penelope is dead in the synopsis and first chapter? Unless Mackenzie's death caused Penelope to kill herself too? Again there needs to be more explanations and descriptions.

I see this is suddenly in first person. A bit confusing. I suggest choosing either first or third and sticking to it. I think I sort of understated that the third person chapters were supposed to provide backstory? Have you seen those books where they alternate between past and present? I think you might benefit from having your book set out like like that. Or at least organising it in such a way that it isn't convoluted and hard to follow.

Overall: I feel like this is a filler chapter. You haven't really added more to the plot. You have also brushed over Mackenzie's death like it was nothing. Maybe adding a part that shows either her funeral Penelope's reaction to hearing her old friend has died.

PART 3: CONCLUSION

You know something is wrong when the missing bird is the highlight of the story. You need to describe more. The plot is mediocre at best as it's been used so many times. It's the execution that gives you an amazing story. I know you have the ability, you just need to develop it more. Describe the scenes. Let us get absorbed into the world you are creating. As it stands I honestly have no connection to any of them. They are not memorable in the slightest. Take your time and figure out what the plot is and what is meant to be conveyed in each chapter.