Naina was trembling with fear, with fury- she couldn't ascertain- maybe both. He...he was back. Of all the people...he! Why God why? Why did you have to make me see him again? Why does this torture not end? Why did he....Sameer...no....! She pressed her palms onto her face as she broke into a fresh round of sobs.

He had the audacity to try and touch her!

But he'd let you go the moment he spotted the sindoor mark on your forehead. And don't you lie Naina! You noticed that! But why would a man who'd plunged so deep into decadence, bother about such a trivial thing as a woman being married? But his words...his had cut her! No! He'd not lost an ounce of his depravity. She'd been a fool to think that Sameer had mended his ways in college and had started to cultivate feelings for her. Even if that hadn't been the case, she'd been as sure of his friendship and loyality as she'd been about the imminence of a morning after a night. And yet she'd been stumped again- plunged into depths of darkness from where she had to wade her way back- struggle and settle for a life she'd never, even in her wildest dreams, envisioned for herself.

But what had happened to her! Hadn't her resolve been of steel? If by any unfortunate chance, she'd had to set eyes upon him again, she'd been sure she must loathe him. She'd worked for years, trying to tame her feelings, her hurt, her emotions from showing onto her face. She did her best not to let her past threaten her present, and had ultimately carved a new life for herself- where Sameer, his memories, and even the mention of that name had not existed.

Yet all her resolve had faltered. Faltered the moment her eyes found him. And her heart leaped in elation mingled with pangs of longingness and pain she realized were still buried deep in her heart- all this while. It was as if they were back in college and they had just made over a huge fight. And it seemed any moment, he would pull her in his arms and kiss her senseless! And then tear off her clothing in a rush and take her that very moment. And then they'd would grin as they lay snuggled together, murmuring sorries, forgetting their ego or whose-fault-it-had-been!

No! How can you even think like that about him Naina?

She regretted how she'd gazed up at him today, and lost herself once again in him. In momentary happiness, she'd defied her boundaries, her morality once again. She'd found her eyes travelling over his face, trying to take in the changes the years between them had done to him. His eyes still sparkled as before- especially more so as they'd had landed upon her.

He now had a small black stubble. She heard her own cheer filled voice echo from the past- "Sameer! Tum na shave karke aaya karo...nahi toh tumhari daadhi chubhti hai!" And then his chortles as he bent down to kiss her despite the beard, "Aise? Aise?"

There were thin creases on his forehead now- perhaps he was working too hard. She'd heard of the young entrepreneur who'd brought about a revolution in the publication industry in Delhi- the publisher who was fair, just and offered talent a chance if he could. She'd been very hopeful, and decided to test Somani Publication Agency after the past eighteen rejections she'd seen over the country.

His face had hardened with time, a kind of cragginess now aided his handsome features. He'd become more strapping than before, his shoulders broader than she remembered. His tall frame was no longer on the lean side- the muscles of his body seemed more defined, rippling. Guiltily, she'd found her sight on the taut fabric of his shirt, wondering if he felt the same beneath that shirt as he'd done years ago. He now kept his hair much shorter. Gone were the long, silky locks she'd immersed her fingers in the heat of passion between them.

His lips- the lips which'd once sent electric shivers down her entire body, down to the depths she'd hid from any other male, depths she hadn't even known existed, till he'd introduced her to her own body and how it aroused with his mere touch.

Did those velvety lips feel the same as they'd used to? Alas, she would never know now!

"Uhhh!" she clutched her head in her hands tightly. Vexed, she tried to contain her thoughts, reminiscing the reasons she had to hate him. Even if it had taken her less than two minutes to want to melt into his arms once again.

She'd thought of him as a vulnerable boy- a man who knew how to love, yet never felt cared for anyone. She'd been so sure of him- ready to fight the world for him. Yet he had given her betrayal. He hadn't professed he'd loved her, yet he hadn't even bothered to respect her as a friend? She'd been like the "many others" in his life. And then, without wanting to, she wondered whom he was with now. It has been long. Very long. Is he was married now? Married to her? Or going after random pursuits of pleasure with attractive females? His secretary is quite attractive, she pondered miserably. He must have slept with her. Definitely! And this fact stung her like a poker of blazing hot iron.

No...! She mumbled despondently. She still couldn't, wouldn't, after all these years, imagine him with someone else. The lips which had kissed her, the body which had caressed hers could so frivously be shared with others- she couldn't bring herself to think of these things with as much ease as she wanted to. She yelled! Shouted to release the pent-up hurt, her resentment that she'd been bottling inside for over five long years- emotions she couldn't quite hold tonight. And then she drew a deep breath, splashed water from the buckets onto herself, strapped a gown over her body and opened the bathroom door to check if she wasn't awakened.

She inched towards the only bedroom of the paltry one BHK they shared, and slid the door open a few inches. Nestled inside the sheets, her limbs dangling out of them, rested her world. She was still snoring. The excruciating summer heat, paired with the power cuts had drained her out completely. Naina strode over to the window and opened it, to let in wafts of the evening summer breeze, if any, drift in. She walked over to the battered stainless steel almirah and fished out a saree to wear. Having changed, she settled herself on the edge of the bed, and took the hand fan she'd brought yesterday and started waving it around on her daughter's face.

She saw her features relax, the sweat on her pointed nose slowly disappear. And then Naina smiled. Just looking at her, her tranquil face- made all the pain in her life worth it. Her worries vanished in a jiffy. She took her small fingers in hers and planted a soft kiss onto them. She was there with her. The one who'd brought hope inside her- to be able to live, to adjust, to smile again. But her smile faltered when she thought about her father- how would he react when he got to know of all this?

As if the Universe heard her and jerked into action, Naina heard the shrill doorbell sound. She glanced up at the wall clock. It was nearing six in the evening. She got up, adjusted her saree in the mirror, dried her eyes, hopeful they didn't reveal that she'd been crying as the door opened.

"Naina!" a deep voice called through the door. And Naina smiled up at the spiffing young man who'd entered. He put his briefcase down and his eager gaze enquired, "kaisa raha? Mila contract?" he asked hopefully.

"Chai banaun?" she enquired, evading the question. Arvind gave a brief nod of his head as he settled down onto the plastic Neelkamal chairs spread out in the living room, and started pulling out his shoes and socks.

Naina lit the stove and placed the pan with water to boil on it. She knew Arvind was waiting for an answer.

"Baat nahi bani?" Arvind broke the silence.

Naina lowered her gaze and shook her head.

Arvind felt bad for her. She'd seen so many disappointments, umpteen rejections till now. He got up and made his way to the kitchen where the tea was boiling. He placed himself against the counter top, his back resting on it, his arms folded across his chest as he tried to assess Naina's expression.

"Phir se ro rahi thi?" he asked gently, bending to see her lowered face. Naina shrugged despondently. The moment was however broken by the cry of a young girl, "mummy!" A smile came upon Arvind's face. "Diya uth gayi! Main dekh ke aata hun!" And he made his way to the bedroom, while Naina decided to obliterate this day from her life as she'd obliterated her past. With this, she poured out the simmering tea into two small tea cups and went with the tray to her room.

She found Arvind playing with Diya, teasing her, pinching her, as she struggled to wake up. Naina handed Arvind his cup of tea and sipped her own watching the duo playing together. Diya was lucky she at least had such a nice father figure in her life.

"Naina!" Arvind called, his eyes still focused on Diya's antics.

"Haan?"

"Khane mein kya banaya hai aaj?" he enquired.

"Ji wo abhi time nahi mila...abhi bas chai pike banati hun...," she answered, as she started sipping her tea hurriedly.

"Acha hua nahi banaya...kyunki aaj hum sab dinner ke liye bahar jayenge," Arvind smiled at her.

"Bahar....kyun? Bekar mein paise kyun kharch karne hain...aadhe ghante mein sab ban jayega," Naina replied amidst the whining Diya.

"Nahi bahar jayenge...yeh final hai...tum 8.30 tak tayyar ho jao aur Diya ko bhi tayyar kar do...okay!" Arvind averred and then got up from the bed, and smiled down at her, "hamesha paison ki chinta mat kiya karo Naina...shayad US jaisi life nahi hai filhaal...lekin itna kamata hun main ki sabko dekh sakun...okay?"

Diya came waddling towards her and clasped her arms around her mother's waist.

Naina stroked her hair, and as she eyed his retreating form, a sense of calm swept through her. This was one man in her life who always aimed to salve her pain. She'd been lucky to have met him.

***

Sameer stubbed the cigarette onto the ashtray kept on the coffee table. 2.5 years of absitenance had been broken tonight. Cancer and lung diseases seemed tiny problems compared to the mess he was in today. The ashtray which'd been more of a decorative piece, or placed to offer clients a smoke, had finally received an inauguration. His broody gaze shifted to the clock on the wall chiming 7 in the night. He pushed his supine form up from the plush rexine three seater and wended his way to the telephone on his desk. He dialled for his driver and spat some instructions at him.

Two hours later, he emerged out of his choice of restaurant and bar, slightly dazed with alcohol. Somehow, even Whiskey refused to help tonight. As he trudged down the steps in drunken stupor, his feet almost skid at the last step. On reflex he raised his eyes, found he was about to crash with someone- a woman. Before his mind had the time to process the information, the woman slid out of his way to avoid the crash, and Sameer twirled with her, his eyes boring into hers, his hands almost closing onto her flailing palms. His breathing hitched as the memories of the first day at Pragati Vidya ka Mandir in Ahemdabad swiveled to the fore of his mind. The girl he'd almost crashed with that day, the girl he'd come to ardently love, the girl with those soulful doe shaped eyes, and the girl who was now the woman staring back at him in bafflement, perhaps experiencing the same emotions coursing through her.

It all happened real quick. Naina grabbed his hand in reflex, to prevent him from skidding down the stairs further. And on the other side, Sameer's hand enclosed tightly on her wrist.

And they stood still gazing at each other...Naina stood immobile in a corner at the stairs, her wrist enclasped in his. Sameer stood with one foot on the step below, and the other resting on the step where Naina stood.

As the reality started to dawn upon them both, Sameer found his grip on her wrist turn unusually tight, perhaps his nails were digging into her skin, as if he was trying to vent his anger at her through hurting her. He saw her wince in pain, yet she did not avert her eyes from him. Her eyes had the same spark of surprise mingled with fury and distress that he'd experienced earlier today. And then a shrill cry broke the trance and Sameer's hold loosened.

"Mumma...!"

He turned around and Sameer's mouth fell open, astounded.

A tiny girl, not taller than four feet, stood rooted to her place in confusion. Her eyes darted from her mother's pale face to the stranger's hard one and she yelped once again, "mumma!"

Naina hastily retreated down the steps and picked Diya into her arms, patting her for assurance, trying her best not to meet Sameer's eye.

No! The hope he'd had harboured for five years had not been vanquished this morning when he'd found that the love of his life had been married for real. Not when he'd found that she was still with her husband- apparently one who was supporting her- maybe even loving her. But now, at exactly 8 pm, 53 minutes, when a small, cherubic child whose eyes were a replica of her doe shaped ones had called her, 'her mother'.

The girl did not look more than five years old, was extremely fair with pinkish cheeks, pink rose petal like lips, had luscious brown-black hair, which were tied into two ponytails on either side. She was dressed in a simple blue cotton frock, and a pair of small sandles. She was, in all, a very beautiful child!

As he stood watching the display of affection between mother and daughter- the mother whispering small nothings in the little one's ears, and the giggling of the sweet child, he found the air too sparse to breathe.

Ohh no! And this was the impact when he'd been drunk! His hands flew to his hair, raking them in disbelief, shaking his head to ascertain the reality and then he quickly clambered down the steps. And without so much as a look at her or her daughter, he scampered away to the parking lot, not realizing that a familiar handsome face had just turned up after paying the auto driver, and was now beaming down at the mother-daughter duo.

As his car drove on, Sameer stared out the window blankly at the bleak terrains of the city he'd come to call home. Looks like his past will never cease to haunt him. He wondered what more was there in store for him and if it was normal for people in their mid-twenties to die of seizures.

An hour later, he lay shaken, the visuals of the child with Naina, calling her mother swimming in front of his eyes. Had she adopted a child maybe? But she was still with her husband. Had they conceived- meaning which they were together- emotionally, physically- in entirety.

He tried hard to sleep, but sleep had deserted him, as everyone else he'd loved in life. He picked up the phone and dialled a familiar number, knowing it was late to call, but also knowing that should she be available, she would welcome his call in the dead of the night.

"Hello Simi?"

"Hey handsome! Tum to bhool hi gaye mujhe...kaise yaad kiya?" she replied cheerfully.

"Ghar pe koi hai kya aaj?" he asked.

"Hayee..koi ho bhi to kya...meri khidki se aaja...pipe bhi hai niche...," she said amusedly.

Sameer couldn't contain his irritation. "Yaar...tujhe pata hai main khidki vidki se nahi aata...ghar pe koi hai to bata...nahi to pahunch raha hun 15 minute mein!"

"Aaja meri jaan...mummy Allahabad mein hai aur papa as usual conference mein...," she sighed. "Unki beti ka khayal tujhe hi rakhna hai...," she added salaciously.

"15 minute!" he clicked the phone back down.

Twenty minutes later, he was in the bedroom of a beautiful woman of twenty-two, who'd had been more than eager to offer him her body, in return for the exquisite pleasure he provided. He'd bumped into her three years ago in Mussourie, when she'd been partying at the same hotel where he'd been dining with Munna and Pandit. She'd been eyeing him from among her group of girls continuously and Sameer had been constantly ignoring her, as well as the teasing by his friends.

"Bhai nazrein nahi hat rahi iski tujhse!" Munna chuckled.

"Aur kya bey Sameer...dekh to le...pataka hai ekdum!" Pandit added dreamily. "Kaash hamein bhi dekh leti!"

"Ponga...shaadi ho rai hai teri...!" Munna reprimanded.

Pandit got embarrassed and then added, "par Sameer...tu to available hai...," and he earned a glare from Sameer.

"Aur kya bhai...bas ho gaya bahot Naina ke liye rona dhona...," Munna mumbled.

Ten minutes later, she finally got up, all long legged, pale skin, pink lips and dark haired; dressed in a tight one piece dress. She walked over to him purposefully, half smirking and then slipped a paper chit onto his lap. As he looked up to face her, she winked and made her way upstairs.

That night Sameer had acceded to her wishes in Hotel room no. 145 and had only left from there in the wee hours of the morning.

Their secret make-out sessions ensued many times thereafter. Sameer got to know that she was the only daughter of a rich business man, who was mostly away on trips related to work, with little time to spend on his daughter. And her mother was much too fond of her native place, Allahabad and rushed there whenever she got a chance. Simi suspected that in reality, her mother had an extra-marital affair, and that many a times she rerouted her destination from Allahabad to some place else. Simi's situation was not quite unlike his own, and they clicked. Due to her college studies, she mostly stayed alone in her home in Delhi, which made their arrangement very much convenient.

"Arey ruk to jaa...itni jaldi hai tujhe...ek saal se phone nahi kiya aur aaj achanak...," she grinned, restraining his hands on her.

"Final year tha na tera...thoda padh legi, isliye nahi disturb kiya!" he snapped.

"Chal jhoota! Sach bol deta interest khatam ho gaya hai...lekin aaj kaise jaag gaya...koi purani girlfriend mil gayi lagta hai!" she smirked.

Sameer pushed her down onto the bed and started unbuttoning his shirt in a frenzy. But the frenzy was not due to sexual excitement. It was because he wanted to immerse himself in meaningless sex to erase all memories of this horrendous day.

Simi giggled as Sameer slipped her negligee down her shoulders and started planting kisses there. And then he got back to tearing his clothes apart. He worked at the buttons of his shirt, the buckle of his belt. He was at it for a whole minute, but his fingers shivered and the buttons just wouldn't come out. He tried and tried, his frustration increasing, when all of a sudden he slumped in angst and let out a cry. His palms covered his face as Simi got up, looking bewildered.

The scene became suddenly still.

"Sameer?" Simi pressed her palm onto his shoulder. "Tum theek ho?"

She did not receive an answer as Sameer tried his best to contain his sobs. A few minutes later, Sameer rubbed his palms onto his face and took in a deep breath.

Sameer shook his head, and finally turned to look at her, his face distraught. "I'm sorry yaar...main yeh nahi kar sakta....".

Simi's brows furrowed and she looked genuinely troubled seeing his predicament.

"Baat karni hai?"

He sat silent for several minutes at the edge of the bed, sighing deeply and then finally spoke, "Ek baat bolun...ab tu bhi yeh sab band kar de...aise karke hum khud ko kab tak dhoke mein rakh sakte hain ki hamse bhi koi pyaar karta hai...jabki hum dono jaante hain ki pyaar mein aur is sab mein bahot fark hai...".

Simi was stunned into silence.

"Aur pata hai yeh sab achanak kyun...toh tune ekdum sahi pakda...aaj vakaye mein ek purani girlfriend mil gayi yaar...tujhe pata hai maine bhi kisi se pyaar kiya tha...saccha wala...soch maine! Sameer ne! Mujhe to pyaar pe vishwas nahi tha...puri duniya se ukhda rehta tha...par wo meri zindagi mein aayi...dosti huyi...aur dheere dheere sab badalne laga...usne hasna sikhaya mujhe...uske saath rehkar khush rehne laga...aisa lagta tha ki koi meri bhi fikar karta hai duniya mein...maine saari galat aadatein dheere dheere chod di...aur main khud bhi uski bahot chinta karne laga...wo saath hoti thi to kisi mushkil se darr nahi lagta tha...use choota tha to bas dil ke armaan aise jaagte the jaise kabhi nahi jaage the...aur naa hi uske baad kabhi jaag paaye hain...lekin main bahot bada gadha tha...itna darta tha pyaar se ki samjha hi nahi...ki wahin to pyaar tha...ishq ho gaya tha mujhe usse...is duniya mein usse badhkar maine kisi ko nahi chaha Simi...kisi ko nahi...na jaane wo mujhse kabhi pyaar karti bhi thi ya nahi...lekin main usse kabhi apne dil ki baat keh bhi nahi paaya...agar ek baar uski naa sun leta to bhi shayad itni taqleef nahi hoti...par wo achanak gayab ho gayi...fir maine suna usne shaadi kar li...par mere dil ne yeh kabhi na maana ki wo mujhe bhool paayegi...kya koi kisi ki itni chinta kar sakta hai use chahe bina...aur agar wo mujhe chahti thi to usne shaadi kyun ki...aur agar wo mujhe nahi chahti thi to mere mann mein umeed paida hi kyun ki...," Sameer uttered, his voice choking now.

He continued, "Lekin aaj...aaj wo mere saamne aa gayi...aur meri bachi khuchi umeed bhi khatam ho gayi...uski shaadi sach mein ho chuki hai...ek...ek bacchi bhi hai uski...aur main yahan aaya wo sab bhoolne ke liye...uski yaad mitane ke liye...par sach to yeh hai Simi ki wo jitna bhi bewafa kyun na ho...main use kabhi bhool nahi sakta...uske saath bitaya ek ek pal mere liye ek anmol yaad hai...shayad mujhe zindagi mein pyaar phirse na ho...lekin teri to puri zindagi tere saamne hai...soch tere pati ko kaisa lagega yeh sab sunkar ya yeh dekh kar ki tu kisi aur ki...kitno ki reh chuki hai...!"

With this, Sameer got up and wiped his tears. He buttoned up his shirt deftly, put his clothes in order as Simi stared on. Then he turned to look at her once more. He took the duppatta lying on the bedside table and wrapped it around her shoulders. And then he laid his hand on her head, on her cheek.

"Simi...apni mummy ki galtiyon ki saza apne aane wale kal ko mat de...khud ko mat de...isse kuch sahi nahi hoga...tu zindagi mein bahot kuch deserve karti hai...aur main bhagwan se zarur maangunga ki mujhe na mila to kya hua...kam se kam tujhe saccha pyaar mile!"

He took her hands in his. "Simi! I'm sorry...please ab hum dono sudhar hi jaate hain?" he urged.

Simi slowly nodded and a whimper of a smile- his first after seeing Naina today, escaped his lips. He collected his things and made his way downstairs, while Simi looked on, his words reverberating in her ears. How accurately this man had summed her need of love, her desire to get back at her mother for betraying her and her father- her reasons for choosing this path. Perhaps he'd yearned for love as much as she had over the past twenty two years of her life.