Banyan Bradford

Banyan, as you'll recall, was the Animal Rights Activist turned Human Rights Activist turned Most Hated Man On Earth. He had tried to prevent the Robot Apocalypse through an elaborate and quixotic ransom scheme, which massively backfired when he was videoed punching an adorable six year old girl in the face.

In the final days of the internet, the footage of me punching that little girl was a very popular meme. I was insulted, harassed, threatened. It's amazing how upsetting it is when you're on the receiving end of a wave of hate from invisible strangers. Worse, thanks to my infamy, nobody would even play Candy Crush with me anymore.

[Lucas gasped and said, "That's cold-blooded!"]

I know! All that money spent on Lollipop Hammers and Color Bombs down the drain!

So while I can't say I was glad when the Robot Apocalypse hit, I admit I was the tiniest bit relieved. Because I figured that people would finally appreciate what I had tried to do.

Which, as we know, they didn't.

Yeah, but I figured that with all that happened, they'd at least forget about me.

Did they?

Not at all. Every time I met someone new, they'd say, "Hey, look! It's the asshole who punched that little girl in the face!"

So I tried to disguise myself by growing a big, beard, but it just became, "Hey, look! The asshole who punched that little girl in the face converted to Islam!"

Nothing I did worked. It just became:

"...the asshole who punched that little girl in the face is wearing a trench coat and dark sunglasses!"

"...the asshole who punched that little girl in the face has a blonde wig and a cowboy hat and is walking with an unconvincing limp!"

"...the asshole who punched that little girl in the face is not fooling anyone in that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles mask! Plus... Donatello?! Lame!"

[Note: Lucas thinks Donatello is awesome. Figures.]

Why do you think, after all this time and all that's happened, they still hate you?

Look. If the first thing you learn about about someone is the worst thing they've ever done, that's how they'll perceive you. Remember Monica Lewinsky and her, you know, dealings with the President Clinton? Well, that's how America got to know her. Twenty-five years later, I say "Monica Lewinsky" and what' the first thing you think of?

Um, Presidential knee pads. Stained blue dress. A cigar in the... OK, I see your point.

[Note: Lucas's first thought was of her failed line of handbags, which he thought were quite stylish. Go figure.]

It's the same thing with me.

So... you're the Monica Lewinsky of punching little girls in the face?

I wouldn't say it quite like that, but... yeah. I mean, nobody cares about the 99.9999% percent of my life that was spent not punching little girls in the face. All they care about are the two times I did.

Well, that doesn't seem— Wait, two times? I thought it was once.

[sighs] There was an... incident at the refugee camp. But I swear, this one wasn't my fault!

Uh-huh...

No! Stop that! Don't judge until you've heard the whole story!

OK, so I was doing everything I could to fit in, trying to make myself useful, but nothing was working. Then one day, I saw a little girl playing by some trees. Suddenly, she starts screaming! I ran over to see what's wrong. Because I'm a good person and that's what good people do, right?

When I got there, I saw that she had a squirrel on her head! I thought, "My God! She's being attacked!" And I also thought, "This is my chance!"

To redeem yourself?

Exactly! So I tried to knock the squirrel off her face. You know, before it could bite her. Because that's what good people do, right? They keep squirrels from biting little girls.

But the squirrel leapt away at the last second and I nailed the little girl right between the eyes. Boom! She goes down!

[Lucas groaned and face-palmed.]

Then her Mom comes running over, shouting, "The asshole who punched that little girl in the face just punched my little girl in the face!" Which, first of all, wasn't true. It was a more of a back-hand. Which, saying it out loud, doesn't sound that much better, but the point was I saved her from the squirrel!

Uh-huh...

No, see, there's that judgment again! I swear to you, I saved her! Now, normally, when a mother sees a total stranger accidentally smack her child, she is very understanding.

I don't think that's actually—

But she was biased against me because of that the video, so of course she thought I had assaulted her daughter.

Didn't her Mom hear her daughter screaming?

She did. But to her it sounded like "laughter."

What did the little girl say happened?

Nothing. She was out cold. You believe me, right? Right?

Um...

What?

It's just that... I thought squirrels hunted in packs. How come you saw just one?

Jesus! You sound just like the prosecution at my trial! Maybe this one went rogue! Maybe he was a scout! Maybe someone paid him to frame me! How the fuck should I know?

Anyway, surprise surprise, they found me guilty.

What was your punishment?

Twenty-four hours locked in a pillory.

A pillory? Like they used in the 1700's to punish people for crimes like hog theft and kissing their wife on the Sabbath?

Yes.

That's a weird choice, don't you think?

I guess it makes a strange kind of sense. I think people had really come to enjoy public shaming online and they were really excited to have an opportunity to do it again.

And they just happened to have a pillory lying around?

Of course not. But in camp, there was this creepy German guy, Heinrich. He knew how to make them. I think it might have been his side business before the Apocalypse.

What was it like spending a full day in a pillory?

Well, I wouldn't recommend it for someone with lower back pain, that's for sure. Also, there are no bathroom breaks, so make sure you "go" beforehand.

Solid advice.

And I've gotta say, as upsetting as it is to be hated by invisible strangers, visible strangers are so much worse! Pointing, laughing, spitting, throwing shit. And I mean that non-metaphorically. Plus, someone kept tickling me and calling me "schweinchen."

Heinrich?

That'd be my guess. The whole ordeal went on for hours and hours... until it night came and they all went away to sleep, leaving me alone in the dark.

Sounds awful.

I'll say this. Spending a whole night locked in a pillory, with nothing but you and the starlight and a powerful urge to pee... it really makes you think about your place in the world.

How so?

Well, I tried to save humanity. I did save that little girl.

Uh-huh...

[growls] But everybody still treated me like I was a necrophiliac Klansman selling peanut-laced crystal meth to school children.

Finally, I decided, "Screw it. They want to treat me like the bad guy, I may as well be the bad guy."

So I decided to join the other side.

By "other side" you mean...?

The robot side.

(To be continued...)