based off of "Thirteen Reasons Why" which is by far, the best thing i've ever seen in my life.
btw, important author note @ the end.
& also WARNING: MENTION OF SUICIDE

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"i don't get it, tony! how the hell am i a reason she killed herself? i've done nothing to hurt her," ethan yelled at tony. "what y/n did to herself has absolutely nothing to do with me. how can i be a reason?"

"ethan, calm down and just listen," tony explained to him calmly.

"just answer me one question, and i'll listen," ethan bargains. tony nods his head and motions for him to continue on. "did i kill her?" his voice choked.

tony stayed quiet and stared at ethan with sad eyes. "we all killed her, ethan."

"no, no! did i kill her?"

tony takes a deep breath before saying, "yes." he then exits the car and stands on the side of a fence where it overlooks the entire city.

ethan looked up trying to make sense with everything, but it never happened. he finally put the headphones on and pressed the play button on the cassette player. he took in a deep breath before y/n's voice played through his ears.

"i've never been one of those girls who always had friends and had all the gossip. i was the girl who everyone gossiped about and i had nobody. the people who hurt me-and you know who you are-never even thought about why they did it. all of them thought i was some kind of sick joke, and i believed i was too. except for one particular person, the person who saw me for the real person i was. the boy who never judged me, the one who actually listened to me. this tape is for you, ethan," y/n's voice said quietly.

"you're probably wondering why your here, "why the hell am i on these tapes?" and you shouldn't be, but here you are, ethan. i have a lot of things to say to you, but i wanna go back to the night where everything began to make sense. it was late at night and we were out on top of that cliff overlooking it. for a minute, i thought about jumping with you. i knew you were unhappy with your life, you always said you lived in your brothers shadow. i thought jumping would be best for the both of us. but as soon as i said it aloud, you gave me this look. it was the kind of look that scared off animals in the ungodly hour on the night, and it scared me too. and for that, i hate you for looking at me that way, it was unfair-" ethan paused the tape and screamed.

"what the f.uck!" he hit the dashboard in anger. the headphones remained over his ears while he took out his frustration. he got out of the car and yelled at ronnie. "what the f.uck, tony! she hates me for not jumping with her? what the hell!"

"ethan! calm the hell down and just list--"

"listen. i got it," ethan rolled his eyes and got back in the car. he took another breath before continuing the tape.

"-but i don't blame you, i don't think i ever could. because that night you drive me home and you kissed me. i didn't ever think you would ever do that. but when you did, i thought about all the gossip about me, i thought about the people who called me a s.lut, so i pushed you away. i told you to f.uck off multiple times until you did. i wished you stayed, ethan. but that is the reason you're on here, you're here because i want to thank you. you may be confused me hear me out.

"over the course of one whole year, you've gotten to know me: the real y/n, and i couldn't thank you enough. thank you for being my first love, even when i didn't want to be loved. i hope you find happiness, ethan."

the tape went off and he stared straight ahead at the dead end road. he was her first love, and he didn't even know it. tears weld up in his eyes as he took off the headphones and exited the car once again. he felt broken. his limbs felt numb and his heart pounded quickly against his ribs. he had never felt like this before.

"she-she loved me," ethan climbs over the rather small fence and walks closer the edge where the cliff begins. "and i didn't know. i know she blames me for leaving, i didn't want too. i should've just told her that i wasn't leaving. i should've stayed and fought for her, but im such a loser that i left. if it wasn't for me, maybe she'd still be alive. i should've told her that i loved her, and i love her so much. i love y/n so much," he cried as he overlooked the edge.

"hey man, it's not only your fault. it's all of ours. just back away from the cliff, ethan," tony said slowly. ethan stood still, feeling numb to the bone. he was going to jump.

"ethan!" tony yelled. "get back!"

ethan turned around and cried more. he climbed over the small fence and tony gave him a hug, because that's what he needed the most.

"i love her. i love her," he repeated into the lonely night.

"let's get you home," tony announced and helped ethan get into the car.

on the way to ethan's house, ethan thought about
y/n. he has always loved her when no one else did. he always admired her from afar, even though they were friends. he's seen y/n with other boys, but he was always her last resort. but he didn't see it that way. he loved her for who she was. he still doesn't understand why she had to commit suicide.

but it didn't matter now, because he was only a reason why.

☽♛☾

im kinda obsessed with this imagine. maybe i'll turn it into a book. but it'll be different than the real book and the netflix show. let me if I SHOULD OR SHOULDN'T!1!1!1!