i'm writing this...it was requested damnnn

and this is rushed my bad

Your POV
probably one of the worst things that i've ever been through is lying to ethan, in front of his face, and just watching him look good on the outside when really i'm crushing him mercilessly to the ground. but it's not as worse as seeing him today right after reading the letter of how he felt while i lies to him. probably thinking about it now is as worse as the time i did it. years ago, and the guilt hurts more than ever. fallen out of your life right now? reaching something i thought would never be reachable?

what's going to happen now? don't see him, it'll only make things worse. looking at him reminds you of something.

the aches for his touch maybe? just him? just the thought of him? just the feeling of him?

is it guilt that's only making me feel this way? or is it just the thought of him being my first true love?

ethan is easy to love, i remember so much about him that i couldn't get enough of. he was a friend, a good friend in fact. he dealt with much of me, and controlled himself around me. he seems influenced by me, i influenced him in the worst of ways.

knocks on the door, my throat clogs up this bile. i can't let him see me, nor my husband. my eyes are bloodshot, and i have a letter from my first love under my books in my drawer.

"hi mr. and mrs. dolan," i hear after the door opens.

i hear his voice, deep and in a mutter. "we haven't caught up in a while."

"y/n would appreciate that," my husband spoke, and i bite my lip. "would you like something?"

"yeah-" all i hear before i believe they went to the kitchen. i'm still in my room, sitting on the edge of my bed, glancing at that drawer.

don't cry right now, get up and go and see him. i saw him a month ago but this feels different. it's more tense already. i feel like i'm walking on water.

"y/n, the dolans are here!" my husband shouts for me, and i swipe off the lint and dust off my sweater before dragging my feet towards the door. i reach the top of the stairs, see everyone gathered up by the door, ethan taking his coat off, a flannel on.

dragging my feet in a foot of water.

"hey," i mumble walking down the stairs. my fuzzy socks were on, it was a little embarrassing, i also had comfort clothing on; a baggy soft sweater, sweatpants with fuzzy socks, my husband is wearing a rather casual look. i feel my cheeks heat up when i hear ethan chuckle from my look, he's watching me come downstairs.

"hunny i told you to wear something nice," my spouse argued.

"i forgot," i said with a monotonous voice. sensations was heavy, the air was thick and dense.

water weighing on my feet.

"well that's fine, i thought about wearing my pajamas here anyway," ethan spoke up. he's lying, he just knows that i can't handle awkwardness.

"ethan, you serious?" his wife spoke sternly. she's a very beautiful and successful woman, her hair neatly up in a pony with a trendy outfit on. the way she speaks to ethan is affectionate, i wasn't that way.

"yeah, these are our friends," he says with a sassy tone. my husband chuckles a little bit. the only details he knows about ethan and i is that we were friends. nothing more. that's all the detail that i could give to him. that letter is the naked truth. i'm lying to my own lover at this very moment about the person next to him, staring intensely at me.

we sat down on the couch. i barely paid attention, i kept my gaze down at the floor.

"-yeah we are planning on having children," my husband spoke, it's

ethan's smile pokes at me, i swirled the wine in my glass, not able to meet his gaze. and to think that only a month ago we talked, he did compliment me a long, and that made me blush, but now i'm feeling scared of looking at him. he knows what he's doing, he's adding dust to the storm in my mind.

"how about you guys?" my husband spoke.

ethan shrugged, his wife shrugged too. "we don't know yet, when the time is right. but i do know that we have a future ahead of us.

the letter tears through my thoughts, my eyes well up.

keep your composure.

"i'll be right back," i mutter, getting myself on my feet as i sped up into the kitchen where they couldn't find me.

i hear faint chattering of there voices, i open the fridge, and just stare into it, don't know why. my thoughts were sliding off my face from my eyes.

i sniff a little, i don't want my bloodshot eyes again.

"...i forgive you for all of the mistakes you made, and i'm sorry for making mistakes i made.

but i'm not sorry for still loving you-in ways that's now wrong, since you love someone else. i'm in the wrong for being that way all along, i still, to this day, believe we can still have something special, i'm hopelessly still believing. and i'm with someone else as you may know, but i can't help but think about you everyday. i feel like i'm betraying her, and writing this guilts me, but i would've felt more guilty if i didn't take the time to write you this.

it would leave a piece of me locked away.

did i already say you looked like an angel in that wedding dress?-"

"hey," i heard, i'm dreading this, but my heart ached for it.

i kept my gaze opposite from is. his eyes are burning in my back. i felt so disrespectful doing this. his sigh was loud and obvious, and i can tell he noticed my weakening.

"i can tell you read my letter-um...i shouldn't have sent you that, it's the wrong timing, too late. i should've done it before we went our separate ways," he admits. "did i hurt you?"

"not really, i'm just...confused," i hesitated. "i'm scared."

"can you look at me?" he asks, and i did what he said, i swiveled my body to face his, i saw the sympathy in his eyes get more intense when he saw me.

"oh no i did," he said walking towards me, he grasps my shoulders, his eyes glazed now. "please don't cry."

"i'm not," i choked.

"okay," he says, his right thumb wipes along my new tears glistening down my face. he presses his lips. "you're gonna make me cry. i feel terrible for sending that letter to you, i thought it would give you a special thing that we had. i didn't think you would be upset."

i look down, not daring to look at him. our voices quiet and cautious, we did not want to let anyone hear this. our eyes were louder than our voices though.

"listen-um," he coughs.

"ethan i'm fine, i just...don't know what to think anymore," i mumble. i feel so guilty by how close we were. if someone were to see this we would look so wrong. i ignored that, i'm too dazed by the hand lacing with mine.

"i shouldn't have-"

"i needed that letter, ethan," i admit. "i just feel so different. i feel stripped of my own thoughts, you understand?"

"i understand you," he says, we looked so guilty. the stares are painful yet so raw. i hear him gulp, then i felt a smile tug my lip upwards.

"remember when you...kissed me. my first? and it-meant nothing to me?" i ask.

"yeah?"

"that was the first time i lied to you," i said, my smile faded quick, his thumb traces patterns on the top on my hand.

he looks around us, then gets back to me looking down at his shoes. "what if, i were honest to you that day, and all the days after? where would we be?"

"i don't know," he mumbles. i felt him hesitate before landing a hand on my cheek. then chuckled before saying, "rose petals"

"what?" my smile rises a little.

"some of my words on that letter...so dramatic, i thought i was a poet," he says. "but now, thinking about it, it makes me feel embarrassed."

"you could be a poet?"

"i called the texture of your cheek a 'rose petal'" he says, his hand retracting away from my skin. he backs away too much for my heart to handle.

"well i mean it's sweet."

"and i said a lot more that was so weird. our mcdonald's trips. but that lowkey was the greatest times of my life," he says. "but i seemed to analyze you eating fries."

i laugh a little. "ethan i thought it was a beautiful letter."

"i also said your lips were like 'rose petals'," he says shaking his head.

"well i was flattered by your creativity."

are we flirting?

"i detailed how prefect you looked everyday," he says face palming himself. smile evident. he inches closer to me.

"well i mean, if you made me blush, then it worked."

"you blushed?" he smirked.

"well i did cry too,"i say, making his smile fade. sympathy lurked in his eyes.

"i didn't mean to make you feel that way," he says getting back to our original amount of space. it was very intimate, his forehead is close to touching mine.

"it's okay ethan, it helped me think more about me," i said, but that was too much to say, for i have just admitted that i'm reconsidering myself and my position right now.

then his forehead closed the distance between mine, my eyelashes fluttered up to see ethan's closed.

his hands found my waist and held it gently. i felt my insides jump in excitement, the beating that rests under my rib cage is pounding in ecstasy, my breath shudders.

should i do something or just drown myself in his hold that i've long for ever?

they're on the other side of the wall.

guilt is my enemy, my feelings are also, I'm scared, i never felt so conflicted in my mind than now.

"i need you next to me y/n, i miss you more than ever," he says, i felt my arms wrap around his neck. heat between us was rising, the air thickens even more.

water weighs on my feet.

"i miss this," he says, i felt our bodies sway together. i tense up, my tears are fleeing out of me.

"what can we do ethan? we have someone else," i say.

"let's run away, just you and me-"

i let out soft cries. "ethan were married to other people."

he doesn't answer. it's happening; the truth that we dreaded. this couldn't happen, we can't start over. it's all over, and it's all my fault.

"well divorce-"

"ethan we are friends, all four of us, they will know-"

"they won't know unless we run away after," he says tilting my chin up to meet his pleading eyes. "i can't lose you again."

"i don't want to lose you either," i say, my other lover is still behind these walls. if these walls could talk and see, i would already be gone. they would see the letter i desperately hid in my drawer, they would see me looking through old photos of ethan and i. they would hear me complain about my first love; him, and they would see this, my heart opened like an envelope.

"i love you, and i loved you ever since," he says looking at how our hands seem to tangle up with eachother.

"i love you too, but i can't promise anything."

"i can promise this," he says referring to our hands clasped together.

i press my lips together. "ethan-"

"i don't make promises i can't keep," he says.

then we hear footsteps clapping on the hardwood floor.

we pull apart, and ethan looks at me intensely, asking for a response, i returned a look.

his and my lovers are looking at us, their oblivious smiles.

what have i just done.

"y'all talking 'bout something?" ethan's wife asked with a nervous laugh.

"yeah we caught up on her lives," he answers.

y'all can decide, should they stick with their lives or with eachother???

part four? nah, i'm good, you decide the future:)

i'm about to have private cello lessons and this guy that's teaching me is lowkey cute...he's in college bu-