unedited

this took me some guts to update cause i know i have a fuckin guy knowing the link to my shit.

Your POV
my brother has a bestfriend, a long time friend who's always been with us for almost everyday, talking to my brother about girls, school or video-games. my intentions for him were non-existent, since i used to never really wanted to be part of his life. he never talked to me at a frequency as much as my brother, well obviously. he would usually ask about my day, and i would give a simple nod and answer "fine", as if he were just a faint breeze that went away quick.

it's not foreign of him to be at my house for more than a day, and seeing him walking around with nothing but sweatpants never felt like a big deal. he was never a big deal to me, i would just snap at him to put on a shirt, nothing else. and we would just not bother to take the time to talk to eachother really, because like i said, he is my brother's bestfriend.

that was before though, now-for some reason-my eyes never wanted to break away the sight of his moistened lips and stern eyebrows, chiseled jawline, and the mysteriously cryptic eyes that when just looking at it, one would just drown in their own imaginations. my eyes just couldn't seem to tear away the sight of him, and it seems like everything around me just fades away. then i would just be mindfully gazing at him, deeply caught into these thoughts of him. i would hear his deep voice, clear but yet hoarse and intimidating. being around him makes me dread the tension i actually put myself into, and my inner self just wants to kiss him.

and things have changed between us, there's something. it's rigid, its hesitant, it's wicked. he knows i'm feeling something close to what he's feeling, and we both couldn't get out of it. we wouldn't even realize how our bodies force to get closer, and his hand would purposely skim over mine, desperate for a simple touch, under the table, avoiding the sight of someone else's eyes, really my brother's; ethan's best friend's.

it's morally wrong, it's like a puzzle piece, with misshaped corners and broken pieces, seems impossible to make sense of it, but we are able adapt to the flaws. also, there is something exciting about the morally forbidden. it's extra adrenaline, certain form of excitement and anticipation to be doing something that seems wrong.

and he is over at the moment, leaning against the counter drinking a bottled water, while i sit at the bar stool across from him, and my brother next to him. i mind my own business, staying on my phone, the only way to distract me, and i leave a shy gesture; my body slouching and my hair blocking the view of most of my face.

i couldn't dare to not look at him, he looks so good today. his face is stern but worn out at the same time, his neck dripping of sweat since he did say that he just left the gym, his arms clenched and stressed, and i couldn't look away from the visible veins traced along his bicep to his wrist to his hand that's pressed against the cold counter-top. "-i fucked up my classes today," i hear him mutter to my brother, then taking a swig of his water.

my brother releases a hiccup of laughter at him, and ethan then places both of his hands on the counter-top, his body facing towards me, and that allowed a full view of his toned chest through the fabric of his black shirt. i look down quick after my brother said "you're not the only one."

while my brother is mindlessly on his phone not even realizing how the vibe between ethan and i suddenly escalated, ethan eyes were searching around me, and i felt so exposed. avoid this, he's your brother's friend.

but he is doing this on purpose. needing to stop this from getting any more worse, i look back down, but it never stops getting worse.

"how are you doing in school?" ethan suddenly asked me, and my body jolted to his voice and my head flinched up at his intent eyes, while my brother mindlessly stares at me, amused by my suddenly sheepish look.

"um i don't know," i stutter. ethan reacted with a sly grin, and my brother laughed while returning back to his phone. my face spoke slight confusion, and embarrassment, as my cheek tone to a crimson color.

"ok, ethan, i have to go pick up something at a store, would you just wait here or..."

"it's fine, i'll stay here, if y/n's okay with it," ethan replies quick, and i swear it's impossible to break away this contact of eyes. my brother still is too distracted by his phone, and i'm mentally begging him to help me out.

"yeah sure, whatever, y/n, you don't mind if he waits here?" he looks up at me finally, but that didn't stop the pressure ethan's eyes are applying mentally.

"i guess," do i even have a choice? did i even think about my other option? i just anticipate for the worse.

and my brother leaves quick, and ethan and i suddenly are left alone in the house. the door clicks shut, and it's as if all the sound of this house left with my brother, except for the indefinite pindrop-like rain from outside growing louder and louder.

my eyes were forced to focus on the headlights of my brother's car fade away, as if i wish that was still their to distract me. and it makes me drag a lump down my throat.

it's bitter silence, and ethan's still not bothered to repel from this excruciating sensation between us. we both are, we feel addicted to it.

but i manage, standing off the barstool and walk quick to my bedroom. "where're you going?" i hear ethan groan, it only makes me nearly trip on my own feet.

"my bedroom, where else?" i say opening my door. is it stupid to hesitate before walking inside my room?

"c'mon! stay with me," he mutters, his deep voice seems to get louder by the second. and soon enough, i knew his presence was behind me.

"ethan, please just-just...now that my brother's gone you seem to have a whole new mindset, huh?" i snap at him turning my body to face his surprise complexion.

"i just want to hangout with my best friend's sibling, is that too much to ask for?" he says with a desperate tone that only wants me to give in.

and of course, there's a thought inside that wants me to give it. and i did, not answering him and i walk, passing him and into the living room, then lazily plopping myself on the loveseat.

he followed behind me, and soon after, he was next to me, an uncomfortable distance between eachother was making me want to leave.

and we sat, proper yet awkward posture, few inches away from eachother as he turns on the tv. he finds a good channel, putting down the remote, shifting his body a little, and minutes and minutes of silence, i guess he's feeling the same as me.

but part of me is happy he's feeling this way, it's that "i told you so", or karma, it feels good to see his once cocky and confident act turn into a weak shy look.

but another half of me dreaded the look of his face, it was pale, nervously staring at the cartoons of the tv, characters twaddle on about stupid drama or something, but my eyes never left the side profile of ethan. it's weird how along the years i've gotten to know him without saying a lot; how he fumbled with his fingers when he got impatient or mad, same with him scratching along the side of his neck being a sign of annoyance, his lip bites or how his eyes randomly look in different directions would show signs of nervousness or anxiety.

but that's what he's doing right now, i can tell by the tugging of his lower rose-like lip between his pearl white teeth. my eyes, half parted, almost looking drugged, couldn't stop looking at his lips being toyed with his teeth. it makes me shiver, it makes me high, no wonder my eyes seem to flutter nearly shut.

"you cold?" he asked-in a surprisingly soft tone-confused of my body language.

"y-yeah, it's probably a draft from a window since it's pouring outside," my say gliding my hands along my arms to at least create heat through friction.

"you wanna get close?" he says, opening his arms, a sad attempt to bring back his overconfident self, but i can see his hesitation, i can see him swallowing a lump of air down his throat, i can see his eyes nervously scan mine, and the forced smile that's trying to speak innocence.

and i huff, trying to sound annoyed when really i was desperate just to be gathered in his strong hold, and that's what i did. i, yet again, have in to him, my body laid feeble against his hard warm chest, my arm wrapped around it just to gather warmth, and his arms cradle me closer to him. there was such desperation to hold eachother.

it's obvious, yet we both try to seem oblivious, but his heartbeat speed up once the side of my head relaxed on him where i can hear it. i can affect him, and that only made my smile creep up.

for some reason the random shit-talk the cartoon characters are speaking seem to have gotten interesting, that i didn't even realize ethan spreading a blanket over us to capture the warmth between us. and for some reason-still trying to doubt the realization-his arms seem to provide a sense of security, protection, a base of softness, or affection. it only drowns me further into his warmth.

"i hope i don't reek," his weirdly soft tone spoke, and i feel his hand nestling into the locks of my hair, tugging on a few strands.

"why would you think that?"

"i worked out, i bet i smell like a dog," he mumbles.

"you're fine, and you don't have to do that," i answer, then referring to the awfully comfortable massaging of my scalp.

"yeah but you like it," he says, his fingers curl a strand of my hair, and i remain silent, since he was right on that. "i knew it."

few minutes have gone by, and along that time he would let out a cackle from certain scenes of the cartoon, and there were times where i would laugh with him. but as we did that, i felt more sad by the fact that i wished he were my friend.

i shouldn't have been so rude to him, i should've gotten to know this side of him, i wish i haven't pointed to the conclusion that he was a full-blown and an obvious dick that my brother forced to be friends with.

for some reason i cant help but look down to the fabric of his shirt, and play with an overlapping fold. "ethan, are we friends?"

"just because i seem reserved for your brother and friends his age doesn't mean we can't get along," he softly answered. "i'm sorry if you felt secluded at any time-"

"no ethan, i just, you seem like a good guy, i never really dug into your personality until now," i admit, tugging on the fold of his black shirt.

"i never act like this towards your brother by the way."

"well that's because you're like...best friends," i giggle. "of course you would have to show a sign of respect for his sibling."

"i don't have to, and this isn't a sign of respect, it's a little more..."

the cartoon got to commercial, and my head turned to face him from his chest, and i suddenly understood what he meant by how we're acting. we were attached to eachother on one half of the love seat, curled in a intimate-looking ball under a fluffy blanket, and the heat between us was a lot.

and he looks down a little at me, and our faces were mere inches away, which made me draw back a little. it was too close for me to handle, and his eyes were so intense and had a stare that made me feel the heart inside of me pump a ridiculous amount of oxygen through me. i feel weightless, i could faint into his arms without giving a care to the world.

and i try to say something, opening my mouth, but nothing comes out, and he did the same thing.

we're both exposed to eachother now, what seemed as stupid glances and small touches of hands we seemed to have reached a point to where we couldn't deal with it anymore.

and it's like we've already admitted it, through our eyes, and we both knew how my brother can't know these feelings.

i returned back to the screen, kind of stiff, but his hand leaving the curls of my hair to skim up and down my back calmed me down, as we left that whole conversation like nothing happened in the first place.

and we returned to laughing mindlessly at the forced jokes on tv, and talking about random shit we'll probably forget by tomorrow.

but we heard the door open after a while, hearing "i got pizza," and we pulled away with force, even though it's like we lost a whole half of our body and soul. my brother came in with boxes of pizza, unaware of the visible tension between ethan and i on the couch, completed separated and distant.

and i give a glance at ethan, knowing damn well this isn't over, we're only steps into this place we tried to avoid.

yet we both want it badly, we're both attracted to this idea that's so crooked yet exciting.

i-i don't know what got me to write this.