borrowed time//one

unedited

Your POV
almost everyday i make a mental life-check, anxiously thoughtful about my mistakes and odd choices in life that have lead me to this, rather awful feeling. but i put myself through it, like i said, i riskedf it-for someone else-and here i am, sleeping on my own side of the bed separated from a companion-the only type of way to describe him-and he's snoring quietly, drowned in his own sleep while the whites of my eyes are visible, pupils towards the wall as i face away from this man. and i'm naked, bare and disrespected of my modesty, dignity, everything else that's almost heart scarring.

lucky me we're separated at a comfortable distance, since his body is also bare all the way, and i have no interest in laying a single touch on his shared skin, 'cause just even seeing it reminds me of the repeated question in my head:

why the hell am i even still in the same room as him?

fuck, i hate him so much, i thoroughly hate his guts and his mind through and through, and it makes me want to stick a needle in my eye for even giving in to his touch just a while ago-for sadly, he can make me weak at the legs, desperate for more and more, faster, more rough, touch me until i shiver and curl, whimper and moan, and everything else in between, because there's a whole lot in between.

and dear God, how awful i feel sharing his bed right now, i repeat, true border between us (a mental image of a wall that cuts the bed in half), even though it was crumbled down and non-existent just minutes ago. and my, was it thrilling-

-but that died once it's over, we both got what we wanted and craved as a regular human, and after a silent, awkward night, we separate our ways and continue our day...just like a regular human.

a regular human, i make it sound like a person that has no value in emotions. it could be true, 'cause he definitely made me feel like everything he's done is normal. no emotional value, he'd say, just a quick solve of our own sexual cravings.

no feelings, he'd say, why are you crying, y/n-

and from that, a violent ache of anger and frustration washes over me like a strong wave, as i sit up in an obvious way, making him stir.

you're just a quickie. get out of here tomorrow morning-

i wrap my arms around my stomach trying to find anymore purity or any sort of pride in myself. i attempt to cherish my body close and comforting, tilting my head to view me waist up, i'm not going to hurt myself anymore. my thumb pads over a cluster of purplish-blue crescents along the right side of my hip, half-hearted bites and kisses. anything special about them? no, just supposedly beautiful yet really ugly marks that'll wear off in a couple days.

no, they aren't love bites.

what even is love anyway? guilty words swarm my head like hornets, and i quick get up of the bed, not even giving a single fuck if it'll wake up his peaceful sleep. i hear him groan deeply and hazily, which makes me cringe.

i squint to find my clothes sprawled all over the floor, and i lazily pick them up groaning impatiently, since every single fabric of mine seem to be in every corner of the room, and it makes me shiver and the reason behind it, it feels sinful.

i grab my shirt that was once thrown on top of his photo frame of his family, as awful as it sounds, and i hear him groan and i turn my head to see his arm cover his eyes. "what's going on?"

i remain quiet, gathering my clothes in a messy ball in my hand, still bare in the moonlight. his breaths get gradually heavier, as his awareness of his surroundings get better. "fuck, y/n, what're you doing," he says finally turning his head to meet my gaze, only too smirk in a quick second, noticing my naked figure. and i hear a faint, "beautiful" escape his lips.

and i shutter, immediately trying to throw on my under garments at least, now slightly uncomfortable at his sudden use of heart-racing words, they usually seduce me quick, but i'm not falling for them anymore. "go back to sleep ethan."

"not anymore, princess, unless you get back in bed," he drags, reaching out his hand for me to take, and i almost take notice towards his offer. it's so tempting, i can't do it. he pushes on feverishly and in the mood, "you enjoy the marks that i've made? the deep purple shapely marks all over your soft, creamy skin."

"ethan get some sleep," i sigh wearily, pulling on my shirt.

"not anymore, baby," he says, i almost feel like all of the intimate nicknames possible in life happen to be just destroyed to me, since it's all spoken through his dirty mouth. his words if tasted would be spat out of my mouth, it's all fake. "i love your body," he continues.

"that's great, ethan," i mumble, a tear falling down my cheek, soon two. i wipe them off carelessly, like almost a slap in the face, and pull up my pants, turning away from him. "go to sleep."

"make me go to sleep," he says, and i hear him shift, but i keep my body turned.

"i'm not, you can handle that shit on your own, you're good at that."

"why the bitchy attitude?" he suddenly jumps, which makes me jump. i turn around quickly to see him leaning against the headboard, and he sees my clothed body, confused of my attitude that seems foreign to him. "why are you putting on your clothes right now? it's late."

"i'm going home," i say out without hesitation or thought process, cause this may be something that, after saying it, would hurt him internally.

he wouldn't admit it though, he'll just let that awful pang in his chest fade away.

"what are you talking about?" he questions, sitting up properly, and i have my arms crossed over my chest watching him with no such amusement.

"i'm going home, ethan, i'm not gonna do this anymore," i say blankly, only to hear him huff irritably. and the air went thick suddenly, it my legs shaking just the slightest.

"why so suddenly, just-why?"

and the repeated wave of frustration can over me. it's quick a drastic, for i couldn't handle ethan's pushing.

"i hate being borrowed time for someone, and who's not reserved for anyone, ethan. i want a man who's loyal to me and love me within an inch of my life, and i want a family and everything blurred in the middle. in order to do that though, i have to leave things that've stuck with me for so long," i said, hearing him nervously play with his fingers, a hint of guilt laced within his movements, which leaves me shocked for his odd behavior. it's really not him. "i want a serious relationship. i love serious relationships. just like The Notebook."

he breaths out a quick cackle, enabling this cockiness that's been oh so familiar to me, tilts his head up to show his darkening eyes. "you seriously think there's gonna be some love story when you leave me? trust me, you'll be coming back for more. you loved every minute we have and you can't doubt that."

"you disgust me, ethan," i say turning away only to be hearing more bullshit crawling out of his mouth like a snake.

"yeah? at least i'm living reality while you're just already attempting to guide yourself through some fantasy. life ain't no love story," he finishes, now standing up, i hear, and i turn around to see his crazy tall height already making me shy down, but i attempt to remain in my place. "you're not leaving me, you may survive for a few days, but once it's a few days, i'll see you back in my room."

"you're so fucking cocky, ethan," i say, taking a step backwards since ethan's taking a step forward. the gap is narrowing, my nerves peaking. "this is why i'm leaving you; you're so utterly selfish to even care about anyone."

he hums, reducing the space between us. "say more, i'm all ears."

"e-ethan, you're childish and also caught up in your own fantasy. you think it's some sort of harem in your life, you're disgusting hands and words and half-hearted promises are-" i stumble my words, my back taps against the wall, and ethan's attempting to trap me carefully "-are just reasons for me to leave, i hate being another woman. it's humiliating; physically and emotionally and mentally."

"mmh, but you love it," he says, his hard chest pressing up against mine, as his head tilts to face the crook of my neck, his hot breath tickling my skin. the usual break out goosebumps occurs, and my heart pounds. "you love every second of me kissing every untouched and neglected patch of skin 'till you're satisfied."

i groan. "it's such a usual for you to say this. it's the same shit."

"y/n-"

"your trash words are nothing to me anymore," i react. "your words naïve and gross to even hear them!"

a slight but drastic pause occurs between us, and his eyes drop during it. "just tell me you're staying," a sudden change in his voice.

what once was cockiness and utter seduction, he's now feeble in his words as if he's losing to a battle. it's making me mad; that's not him.

"i'm not staying. ever again, this will probably be the last form of contact you'll be giving to me," i proudly spoke, pushing his chest slowly away from mine, and i caught his eyes heavy, a sign of defeat.

"you're not," he tries. "you can't just suddenly make your mind just minutes ago?"

"i have been making my mind for weeks and weeks, you just never notice," my hands find the curve of my hips, impatient of this repetitive conversation.

"princess-"

"ethan, stop calling me that. and i've already made my mind up, you can't force me to stay."

"i can make you stay-" he adds but immediately gets cut off by my impatience.

"fuck ethan! i'm tired of your emotionless promises, only to be broken in moments! i'm leaving and theres nothing you can do about it!"

"i can change for you!" he dribbles on, and my mind spins in dizzying speed still conversing on why he's acting like a puppy begging for comfort.

"no you're not! just fucking stop ethan!" i shout. "you're obviously letting your physical cravings get the best of your words! go to bed and let me live my life that's about to happen right when i leave!"

"please, y/n!" and now he's pleading, not something i've ever encountered from him. weaknesses can often be held in for so long, this is something foreign from this ever so strong ethan. "please!"

"be a man, ethan!" i said gesturing him to stand ground in a tough manner, quite flustered by his mood. again, it's awfully different.

he'd always speak in monotone, unless when he's tangled in the sheets, but now, once i leave he's reaching a breaking point of himself, i can tell. how pathetic, to see him begging me to stay as his companion at nights. it's fucking stupid, humiliating.

he straightens, a stern stare at me like i'm just a vulgar stranger that's supposedly in his room. i turn my head an walk out of his room to the door that led straight outside, and opening the door leading outside, my breath jumped out.

and i went cold, not because of the violent pattering of the rain tapping the top of my head, but the fact that ethan drove me here. and i have no way of getting out of here.

why, of all things?

i turn my head, cursing, feeling embarrassed, only to see ethan leaning along the threshold. and it's quite hard looking at him without wanting to cry, which isn't something i think is necessary.

i hate this.

"you need a ride?"

fuck i hate this.

part two coming sooooooonnnnnnnnn BITCH




edited: YALL NEED TO LISTEN TO THE "BOY IN JEANS" ALBUM BY RYAN BEATTY

PLEASE

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