3378 words

much to tyler's surprise, josh actually is still there in the morning. he feels the older before he evens open his eyes, his breath warm and steady against the back of tyler's neck. one of josh's arms drapes over his waist, his hand resting atop tyler's.

it took some time for tyler to be able to fall asleep last night, plagued with guilt and shame. it was obvious that josh was having trouble sleeping too, from the way tyler felt him tossing and turning all throughout the night.

he's exhausted, both his body and his brain fatigued. last night's drinking has him queasy, and the memory of what happened between him and josh returns as his heart sinks. trying to ease his guilt, the brunette nuzzles himself closer to josh, sighing as he savors the moment before having to face the day.

his eyes flutter open, finally, glancing over his shoulder to find josh already awake. the older offers a small smile, his index finger tracing shapes against the back of tyler's hand.

"morning, sleepyhead," he mumbles, voice hoarse.

"morning."

tyler carefully rolls over, his face now inches from josh's. the latter settles his hand against tyler's back, gently rubbing back and forth.

"i'm starving."

"me too."

tyler hates this. he hates the tension hanging in the air between them. he can just tell from the look in josh's eyes that he's not happy. how could he be? tyler ruined everything. the dark purple bags resting beneath his eyes are only further indication of this. tyler can't imagine how much it must have hurt him to try and fall asleep beside the boy who's too pathetic to admit he loves him back.

a sigh blows past his lips, his hand hesitantly raising to rest on josh's jaw. he's worried he'll somehow hurt him more, afraid any affection will just feel like daggers to his heart.

josh visibly relaxes under his touch, but the sight only makes tyler's heart ache more. it's so obvious how much josh loves him, even now. tyler isn't sure how he never noticed it before.

"should we see if ashley's making breakfast?" josh asks, turning his head into tyler's hand and pressing a small kiss into his palm.

"sure," tyler agrees, forcing a half-smile.

he wonders if josh also senses the awkwardness between them or if he's just overthinking like always. but as josh crawls out of bed and starts helping tyler pick out something to wear as if it's just another day, tyler thinks it must be the latter.

maybe josh has moved on already.

maybe he's trying to forget about it like tyler does with everything.

after the two dress for the day and brush their teeth, again with no complaints from tyler, they make their way downstairs. ashley, debby, brendon, and ryan are all gathered in the living room. they're talking and laughing, replaying the night's events for brendon who apparently blacked out.

"yeah, you were trying to rally someone to have a threesome with us," ryan chuckles, the girls laughter following as brendon hides his face in his hands.

"oh god! i did? who did i ask?"

"you were really trying to convince dallon," debby giggles, a glass of apple juice in hand.

tyler's stomach clenches. he could use some juice right now.

"oh, him? whatever, i meant it," brendon grins, earning a playful shove from ryan. "what! don't act like you wouldn't be into it."

"shut up!"

"oh, hey guys!" ashley greets, noticing the boys standing at the bottom of the stairs. "there's waffles in the kitchen for you."

"chocolate chip?" tyler asks, his hands twisting the front hem of his shirt.

"of course," she rolls her eyes, smiling, "just for you."

"thanks, ash."

he leads josh into the kitchen, the couple silent as they load their plates with sugary waffles. tyler tries to keep his gaze off josh, feeling nervous just to be around the boy, but he sneaks a glance as he hears the fridge open.

josh fills two cups with apple juice, handing tyler the plastic blue one and taking the glass one for himself. a small, simple action, yet it nearly fills tyler's eyes with tears.

his guilt is to the bone.

"thanks," he utters, swallowing the lump in his throat.

they join their friends in the living room, tyler taking a seat on the ground so he can rest his plate on the coffee table while he eats. josh sits on the couch in the empty space behind him, his legs serving as a backrest for the younger. tyler tunes back into whatever his friends are talking about.

"i mean he didn't say no," ryan urges, his face a dark shade of red. "he just said you were too drunk for him to say yes."

"oh god!" brendon's eyes go wide. "so he's definitely down."

"i think so," ryan nods, hiding his smile behind his hand.

"well what are we still doing here then!? come on, ry, let's go!" brendon stands in a hurry, toeing on his shoes.

"you guys are crazy," ashley laughs, her attention focused on debby as she braids the girl's hair.

ryan is quick to follow, the two rushing to get their shoes on before they head for the door. brendon swings it open, the sound of the rain pouring outside flooding into the room. he groans, quickly shutting the door again.

"damn rain. can we borrow someone's umbrella?"

tyler nods, pointing at the stairs. with a mouth full of food he says, "my room, behind the door."

brendon races to retrieve it, coming back downstairs dressed in a rain jacket with another in hand. ryan pulls on the extra coat before they leave without another word.

"i can't with them," debby chuckles, her eyes trained on the tv as she watches modern family.

"they're something else," ashley agrees. she turns her attention towards the two remaining boys, raising an eyebrow. "you guys are awfully quiet this morning. hungover?"

simultaneously, josh utters a no and tyler says yeah. the latter turns to look at him briefly before dropping his eyes back to his plate.

tyler isn't really hungover either, but he figured it was an easy excuse as to why their behavior was off. as ashley begins to pry, he can't help but feel annoyed at josh for leaving room for questions.

"rough night, josh?"

"something like that."

tyler can sense the disappointment in his voice, only making his head hang lower as he now picks at his breakfast, no longer hungry. he pushes the plate away, letting himself sit back against josh's legs but wondering if the older even wants him to.

"what, you didn't like them?" ashley urges, motioning towards tyler's half-eaten plate.

"no, i did. they're good... my stomach just hurts," he lies easily.

ashley nods, believing him, but josh knows the truth. he nudges tyler with his knee, saying, "come on, ty. you gotta eat."

the younger huffs, knowing he's in no position to argue right now. so, he picks up his fork and starts picking at the waffles again, forcing a bite in his mouth. the four are quiet for a few minutes, tyler forcing himself to finish the rest of his breakfast despite feeling like a boulder is resting in the pit of his stomach. when he finally finishes, he sits back against josh's legs and pulls his knees to his chest, hugging them tightly.

"is something going on with you guys?" ashley questions.

tyler turns to her, eyes widened in concern. he opens his mouth to lie, but josh speaks first.

"no, we're fine," he dismisses, his tone a bit more harsh than tyler expected. he winces, anxiety coursing through his veins at the look ashley gives him.

"are you sure?"

debby turns to look at him now too. they're all waiting for tyler to say something, three sets of eyes drilling into him. he shrinks under their stares, hugging his knees to his chest tighter as his heart pounds against his ribcage.

god, he's a terrible person. they all know it.

"i..."

what is he supposed to say? what can he do?

all he wants more than anything right now is to be able to regress and not be tormented by his immense self-loathing, but he can't even do that right. his little space is evading him, hiding from tyler like the big, bad monster he is.

"i- um... yeah, we're fine," he chokes out, knowing he sounds unconvincing.

the girls are quiet for a moment before ashley stands suddenly, pulling debby up with her. "deb! i totally forgot we have that thing with your friend."

"oh yeah! that thing..." debby agrees with a tight-lipped smile. "good thing we remembered."

tyler looks at ashley with pleading eyes, begging her not to go. he doesn't want to be alone with josh, doesn't want to be forced to talk about what happened. she doesn't seem to notice.

"yeah, right? can you go get my umbrella from my room?"

debby agrees, leaving the three of them alone. ashley turns her attention fully towards them, pointing an accusatory finger.

"figure it out," she states simply, her stern gaze turning soft when debby returns with an umbrella in hand. "perfect, let's go."

the girls leave in a rush, a sudden gust of wind whipping through the open door as the rain relentlessly pours outside. the heavy thud of the closing door echoes through the otherwise silent house, sending a jolt through tyler. his heart sinks into the pit of his stomach, the weight of guilt and shame settling heavily upon him.

he sits rocking back and forth, his fingers nervously making their way to his mouth, chewing on his nails in a futile attempt to distract himself.

"ty," josh sighs softly, his hand gently finding tyler's shoulder. the touch halts tyler's rocking, but he remains fixed, staring blankly ahead and continuing to gnaw at his nails, unable to muster a response.

after a tense silence, josh murmurs, "you can't even look at me."

tyler's heart clenches with remorse. he forces his fingers out of his mouth, pressing them tightly against his legs. shifting to sit against the coffee table, he finally faces josh. meeting the older boy's saddened gaze delivers another pang of guilt. tyler chews anxiously on his lip, fighting back tears. "not when you look like that..."

"come here," josh murmurs, his voice a soft plea as he pats the spot on the couch beside him.

tyler hesitates for a moment before he settles into the empty space, sitting cross-legged with his gaze fixed on his lap. his fingers nervously pick at a loose thread on his sweats, another attempt to distract himself from the weight of the conversation hanging between them. josh is right; facing him feels unbearable.

"tyler," josh exhales, his voice heavy with longing. the sound pierces through tyler, a sharp pang in his chest. "can you please talk to me?"

"what do you want me to say, josh?" tyler snaps, the anger surging unexpectedly from deep within. he stares at josh, his eyes wide. "that i'm a horrible boyfriend? that you deserve better?"

"ty-"

"no, it's true. you know it, too," he mutters bitterly, choosing to focus on picking at his nails rather than meeting josh's gaze. quietly, he adds, "i didn't mean to make you cry last night. i'm sorry."

tyler's words hang heavy in the air, filled with regret. josh reaches gently for his hand, wanting to intervene, but tyler jerks away, fingers immediately returning to pick at his cuticles.

"no, that's not... it's not true," josh insists softly, his voice tinged with confusion. "i just... i don't understand what you're so afraid of."

tyler's eyes flicker towards josh, catching the shimmer of tears pooling once again in the older's eyes. the sight leaves tears forming in his own. josh's confusion stings as tyler realizes he doesn't fully understand his fear of love. he hasn't shared anything about dallon or the other men who used him. shame and guilt grip him as he realizes how selfishly he's been keeping his pain hidden.

"i..." he interrupts himself with a sigh, wetting his lips as his tongue glides between them. "i don't know, josh..."

"come on, tyler!" the older exhales in frustration, a strained chuckle escaping him. his voice rises, pleading. "and even now, when I'm sitting here begging you to open up to me, you still won't."

"it's not like that," tyler murmurs quietly, his stomach churning as anxiety tightens his throat in response to josh's escalating tone.

"what is it like then?"

"i... i can't josh! it's not that i won't, i just can't!" he shouts suddenly, his mind racing with all of the ways he's ever been wronged. the people who've taken advantage of him, used him, discarded him like nothing...

"bullshit," josh mutters bitterly, crossing his arms defensively as he turns away. "just admit that you don't love me."

"josh... i-"

"come on, tyler. just say it."

tyler can't bear the weight of their argument. they're never argued about anything this serious before, and he hates it. he hates the hurt emanating from josh, the frustration of not being understood. he can't handle it. he can't cope. he feels overwhelmed, unable to handle the emotions crashing over him. with a sudden surge of adrenaline, tyler stands, his chest heaving as he breathes heavily.

"i can't do this," he blurts out, his hand instinctively clutching at his heart. "i-i can't... i just... i gotta go."

"tyler!" josh calls out, pleading, but tyler remains deaf to it, his own heartbeat thundering in his ears like a relentless drumbeat.

he quickly laces up his shoes, fingers trembling. with a sharp inhale, he wrenches the front door open, a soft curse slipping from his lips as rain lashes down in unforgiving sheets.

without looking behind him, tyler slams the door shut and runs out from under the shelter of the covered porch into the cold rain. the wind is whipping, goosebumps covering his body as he immediately begins shivering in the early november storm. hugging his arms tightly against himself, he begins storming down the sidewalk.

he's drenched immediately, his once fluffy brown hair now a wet mess, plastered flat against his scalp and sticking to his forehead. thick beads of rain cascade down his drenched clothes, the fabric clinging to his shivering body. he walks, not knowing where he's headed, only knowing that he had to escape. the world blurs around him as his hot tears mingle with freezing raindrops.

suddenly, a warm hand closes around his shoulder and spins him around. josh stands before him, drenched curls hanging from his face. his cheeks are wet, and tyler would blame it solely on the rain if it weren't for his swollen, bloodshot eyes. josh's desperation is evident, his eyes wide and pleading. the rain pelts the sidewalk below them, the sound roaring in tyler's ears and drowning out the sound of his muffled sobs.

"tyler!" josh's voice cracks, his shoulders trembling, "please... please just talk to me."

"i'm scared, josh!" he admits, his voice quivering as he shouts over the onslaught of rain. "i-i'm so, so fucking scared! you don't know. you don't understand. you- you don't..."

"then help me understand!" josh pleads, gripping the boy's shoulders firmly.

tyler falls silent, his breath ragged as he holds josh's intense gaze. even now, the truth feels like an impossible weight on his chest. words stall in his throat, refusing to find their way to his lips. he huffs in frustration.

"josh..." he starts, his voice meek. "i..."

"it's okay," the older urges gently, giving his shoulders a reassuring squeeze. "it's me, tyler. you can tell me anything."

"i love you," tyler finally confesses, his voice trembling. "i-i do... i really do. i love you so much it scares me."

josh chuckles, breathless, as a relieved grin works its way to his face. "i love you so much."

without hesitation, he pulls tyler close, pressing their lips together in a frantic, desperate kiss. one arm encircles the boy's shoulders, keeping him firmly against his chest, while the other hand tangles in his damp hair. tyler responds eagerly, their mouths moving together with desperation and need. he clings to the back of josh's shirt, his knuckles turning white as he grips the soaked fabric tightly between his fingers.

the desperation in their kiss deepens, their mouths moving together in a frenzy. the rain continues to pour down on them, the water mixing with the heat of their mouths as their tongues explore and taste one another. the pool of longing in tyler's stomach grows, similar to last night, as his body craves more of josh's touch.

tyler pulls back from the kiss, breathless as his eyes search the older's for some sign of reassurance. "josh."

"yes, love?"

"i want you."

josh's lips twitch, a small grin spreading across his features. "do you?"

"yes," tyler whispers, the tips of his ears burning as he realizes what he's asking for. "please."

josh cups his face gently, leaning in for another love-laced kiss and smiling against the boy's lips.

"then i'm yours."

///

tyler is snuggled close to josh, their bare bodies glistening with sweat and sticking together as they cuddle atop covers. josh runs a soothing hand through tyler's hair, his eyes fixed on the younger's face as he listens intently.

tyler tells him everything.

he speaks softly but matter-of-factly about dallon's abuse, describing the awful things he said and did, as well as the occasions where he laid his hands on him. tyler's voice wavers as he somehow finds the courage to mention the sexual assaults and hint at the times he was fully taken advantage of. he doesn't go into detail, but he doesn't need to.

josh doesn't speak the whole time, and tyler can tell he's trying to remain calm.

with a heavy heart, tyler reveals how his emptiness and loneliness led him to seek comfort in others. he speaks of his many meaningless encounters, each man a failed attempt to fill the gaping hole in his heart. they all used and discarded him like he was nothing.

when he finally finishes, josh blows out a heavy sigh. "you didn't deserve any of that, baby. i'm so, so sorry that those things happened to you. thank you for telling me," he whispers, planting a soft kiss against the brunette's forehead.

"i'm sorry i didn't tell you sooner," tyler frowns, trailing his index finger up and down josh's bare chest. "i was just... scared. like always."

"hey, it's okay," josh insists. "i know now, that's all that matters."

"do you forgive me?" tyler questions, his voice shrinking as he feels himself slowly, finally starting to regress. it's impossible not to after everything that's happened, especially now that he's warm and safe in josh's arms, love radiating between them.

"of course i forgive you, dear. i love you," he reminds him, smiling with ease.

"i love you too," tyler responds, his cheeks tinted pink.

as tyler nuzzles his face into the older's chest, he feels immense relief over no longer being burdened with the secret. he hums as josh's embrace tightens gently, basking in the comfortable silence between them as the two recount the intimate encounter they just shared for the first time.

"i love you," tyler repeats, just because he can. he feels josh chuckle.

"i love you, baby."

the brunette smiles contently, allowing himself to slip further into little space as he cozies up against josh. his mind slowly begins to wander, leading him to realize there was still one more secret he hadn't shared with josh.

his father.

he dismisses the thought quickly, opting to think about much more fun, lighthearted things like what him and josh can do for the rest of the day before going back out for the other halloween party tonight.

his father is another story for another day.

(a/n: YAYYY

forgive me for no smut but i didn't want to include any in this story because it felt unnecessary. it's supposed to just be cute and fluffy and yeah

BUT I WILL BE WRITING SOME FOR SACRIFICIAL IN THE FUTURE SOOO

anyway, what do you guys thinkkkk?

thanks for your support! hope you enjoyed, love ya <3)