Moments later, my heart was still pounding hard. Hindi ako makatingin sa kanya.

I could still feel his warm lips on mine at hindi ako makapag-isip nang diretso. I could barely remember Racel offering to take me home.

Understatement kung sasabihin kong nagulat ako. My head was spinning until now and I was still breathless. 'Pag naaalala ko yung emotions sa mga mata niya after that kiss, kinikilabutan ako. It was electrifying.

We were both quiet now in the car. Pauwi na kami and no one was speaking. Nakatuon lang siya sa kalsada, paminsan-minsan na tumitingin sa 'kin habang tulala pa rin talaga ako. I was staring at my hands on my lap.

I still couldn't believe it. Just the thought na kanina I was kissing those hot lips made me fuzzy and warm all over again. Nahihilo ulit ako.

Sumilip ako kung nasaan na kami. Oh. Nasa Las Piñas na pala. Just a few more minutes and malapit na sa village namin.

I needed to say something. I should say something.

"Hey," I started lamely, testing the atmosphere between us. "About earlier . . . "

"Do you regret it?" pabulong na putol niya sa 'kin, nakatingin pa rin sa daan. Wala akong mabasa na emosyon sa boses niya.

Do I?

I didn't. Alam ko sa sarili ko that I didn't, but I was getting scared. If my brothers found out . . . "I don't know," I admitted with a sigh.

At my answer, he thinned his lips. Niliko niya muna kami bago siya bumaling sa 'kin. Mas lalo pa akong nahirapang huminga when his dark, hooded eyes drilled into mine. I should stop staring. But I couldn't. I couldn't look away from him and those damned lips.

Racel noticed my conflicted face, and then in a blink, his expression softened. Since green light pa, nilayo niya ang tingin niya sa 'kin.

"I won't say sorry," tahimik na sinabi niya, "if that's what you wanna hear."

Nagkatinginan ulit kami nang lumingon ulit siya. His gaze trailed down to my lips, staying there for a full second, before he brought it back up to meet my eyes. Kinabahan ako sa ginawa niyang 'yon.

And then his eyes were back on the road. Humigpit ang kapit niya sa manibela. Damn. I wanted to know so bad what he was thinking.

"I've been wanting to do that for a while now and I can't promise I won't do it again." He said again, this time in a firmer tone, "I won't say sorry."

Nagpa-panic na naman ako. Maraming tanong na tumatakbo sa isip ko. Oo, alam ko naman na may gusto na ako sa kanya. But I wasn't sure about his feelings kahit na nagpapakita siya ng motibo. Was that kiss a sign that he was sealing his intentions? Akala ko ba we agreed to be just friends?

"Akala ko ba friends lang tayo?" My voice sounded low even to my ears, drowned almost by the loud pounding in my chest. Ang lamig ng mga palad ko.

Tahimik lang si Racel nang ilang segundo before he spoke up again. Nakatutok siya sa harap pero nakita ko ang pagbabago sa mukha niya.

"Friends," he said as if testing the word and finding it sour. His expression was hard and tensed until it softened again no'ng tumingin ulit siya sa 'kin. "We are, kung 'yan ang gusto mo. Friends lang. You can pretend it never happened. But I'm not promising I will do the same."

Something about that expression broke my heart. He looked hurt, rejected. And it hurt me to think na ako ang gumawa no'n sa kanya.

Sino ba naman ang hindi masasaktan? It probably took a lot of courage from his part to make that move, knowing there were complications ahead. Tapos ako, biglang ganito. Ang dami kong iniisip. Ako. Siya. Ang mga kapatid ko. Ang mga mangyayari.

Sighing, I looked out the window and checked kung nasa'n na kami. Sobrang lapit na pala. Any minute now . . .

"Just drop me here," I said in a hoarse voice. Ayoko sanang iwan siya nang ganito but I was too afraid to say anything else, afraid to do more damage. "Malapit na yung sa 'min dito."

Technically, three streets away pa before yung gate namin. But mahirap na. Baka makita pa kami.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

Racel nodded quietly and swerved the car to the side of the road. Then he stopped the car abruptly. Poporma na sana siyang lumabas but I stopped him.

Parang napapaso, he stiffened at my touch kaya I retracted my hand right away. Shiz.

"Don't go out na. I'll be fine," I told him, and then seeing his wistful expression, I couldn't help but add in a softer, more genuine tone, "And thank you so much for tonight. Nag-enjoy talaga ako. Sobra."

Racel seemed hesitant but nodded anyway, staring at me as if he was trying to gauge my thoughts. May hinahagilap siya sa mga mata ko. So before he could read me pa, nginitian ko siya nang mabilis at atubiling lumabas sa BMW niya.

Yes. I chickened out. Nakakahiya mang aminin but I panicked and bolted out on him.

Magulong- magulo ang isip ko. Mas magulo ang nararamdaman ko. I just wanted to get out of that car and take a breather. Clear my head. Move away from his sinful distractions.

Baka sakali makapag-isip ako nang matino.

Naglakad ako papunta sa gate ng mansion without looking back to him. Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko. Hindi pa rin na-sa-subside ang kaba ko. Daaamn. My lips were tingling.

Even now, I could still feel his kiss.

***

Fireworks.

'Yan ang naramdaman ko kanina at patuloy kong nararamdaman sa tuwing sumasagi sa isip ko yung nangyari.

What the hell. I kept reminding him that we were just friends. Ha! Friends pala ha? When I was the one who couldn't move on? These demons in my stomach kept on fluttering.

With quick breaths, I went inside the house. Nakapatay na ang mga ilaw; sa living room na lang ang nakabukas. Everyone was probably asleep na.

As quietly as I could, I removed my shoes and placed them in the shoe rack. Then I ambled toward the staircase.

Aakyat na sana ako when a voice startled me.

"Ba't ngayon ka lang?"

I stopped short at the question. I whipped to the right to find Kuya Chris coming out of the kitchen, a bottle of beer in hand. I was grateful na hindi si Kuya Jacob 'yon. I wasn't ready to face him yet.

"Pumasyal," I answered.

He raised a brow. "You're lucky wala sila ngayon. Kung hindi, yari ka," sabi niya habang naglalakad papunta sa living room.

I followed him there.

"'Di pa sila umuuwi?"

"Sa condo umuwi si Andrei. Jacob crashed in there, too. Mom, Dad, and Kuya went to Ilocos. 'Di ka ba nagbabasa ng group chat?"

"Sorry, 'di pa 'ko nagbabasa ng messages."

Kuya Chris only nodded and said nothing to that.

That was my cue to excuse myself and go up. Sana. Dapat. But something nagged at me kaya nag-stay pa muna ako. Kuya was drinking alone. He's not the type to do that.

"Everything okay, Kuya? Why are you drinking alone?" I asked, sitting beside him. "Si Ate Ara ba?"

He heaved a sigh.

"What did you fight about?"

"Wala. It's nothing I can't handle. Maliit na away lang," he said before smiling at me and reaching out to ruffle my hair. "Tulog na."

I swatted his hand away and stared at my brother.

It was amazing how he changed so much in so little time. Don Juan kasi 'tong si Kuya kaya laking gulat ko na lang when he announced one evening that he was going steady with Ate Ara. Siya na talaga ang biggest proof na pwede pang magbago ang isang play boy. He's a Don Juan. He loves his hunt. He loves the chase. But even the most elusive boy can meet his match.

"Ang galing 'no," sabi ko out of the blue, "how Ate really changed you. Look at you. Very faithful na. You're in love, Kuya."

Kuya Chris chuckled deeply. "Wala, e. Tinamaan, e."

I smiled. Big 'yon if a man accepts that he's in love. "I'm jealous. I want that, too. I want my own version of a crazy, passionate love din," sabi ko.

"Hindi naman kasi hinahanap 'yan," Kuya Chris said gently. "Kusang dumarating 'yan. Kung hahanapin mo at magmamadali ka, lalo ka lang magkakamali at iiwasan n'yan. Trust me. It will come to you in the most unexpected ways. Look at me."

What he said flashed me back to the kiss from earlier once again.

Pwede ko kayang sabihin kay Kuya? I wanted to tell him so bad, mabawasan man lang yung guilt sa 'kin. He could also give some advice.

"Kuya, may itatanong ako sa 'yo," I said suddenly, breaking the quiet.

He drank his beer and said, "Shoot."

Racel kissed me today. Kuya Jacob hates him, but I like him. What should I do?

Ah, shiz. Parang biglang umurong ang dila ko.

Umiling-iling ako. "Next time na lang pala."

Nagtaas siya ng kilay. Tinitigan niya ako. "Love life ba 'yan?"

That caught me offguard. Tumawa siya. As in yung tawang akala mo may nahuling sikreto. I probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Alright, alright. Don't tell me. 'Di kita pipilitin," sabi niya, natatawa pa rin. "Basta, a, 'wag kang papayag na masaktan ka. Baka makapatay ako, loko."

In that moment, he reminded me so much of the boys na uber lala sa pagiging overprotective. I was also reminded of why this thing with Racel was dangerous.

"I'll sleep na, Kuya. Goodnight."

I stood up. Nagmamadali akong pumanhik ng kwarto. His laughter was still in the background even as I slammed my door shut.

***

How were things going to change between us?

'Yon lang ang tumatakbo sa isip ko and it distracted me from studying for finals. I kept looking at my phone to check for his messages. Kahit wala namang darating because we both agreed to focus on the exams. After that night, we still kept in touch, but the texts became infrequent, and they didn't feel the same. As if a wall had formed between us.

At lunch, I met up with Lhyle because we planned to go and eat at Maginhawa. Iba ang schedule ng girls kaya kaming dalawa lang.

We were walking in the quad when I noticed Lhyle staring at me. He stopped what he was saying when he realized I wasn't listening.

"Something's different with you. Why are you so distracted?"

My heart jumped out.

"Are you dating someone?" tanong niya without beating around.

"Dating kagad?"

His scrutiny made me uncomfortable. "The last time you were that distracted, it was because of Rohann. To some extent, si Avi."

Fuck. Fuck.

Kahit gusto ko, hindi naman ako makaiwas ng tingin kasi mahuhuli niya ako. He knew me that well.

I was figuring out what to say to him when I spotted a familiar girl coming out of the Business Ad building, crying. Hindi ko ugali na makialam sa mga issues ng mga students dito pero the way she ran out crying caught my attention. Also, nakikilala ko ang mukha niya.

Napahinto ako nang maalala ko kung sino 'yon. That was Zoey Chen. Yung chinita na nakikipag-away a few days ago.

"Ex ni Gian 'yan, a. Ba't umiiyak?" Lhyle said, napahinto na rin.

As if hearing him, tumigil sa paglalakad si Zoey at lumingon sa 'min. Nagkatinginan kami. Then she suddenly cried again habang nagmamadaling lumapit sa 'min.

"You're Javee, right?" she asked me through her sobs.

Tumango ako, kumukunot ang noo. She looked sickly pale.

"Please help me. Help me talk to your cousin. Please. I need to see him," sabi niya habang tumutulo ang mga luha sa mukha. She held my hands. "Please, please. I need to talk to him."

"What's wrong? Anong nangyari?" I asked out of concern.

She opened her mouth to say something. But she closed it and shook her head. "Please. Just tell him I need him. Please," she begged. "Or just tell me his new number. Please."

Nagkatinginan kami ni Lhyle. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa kanya. Did Gian do something again?

Lhyle interjected, "You look sick, Chen. Tara. Samahan ka na namin sa clinic."

"NO!" she bellowed na nagpagulat sa 'min. Kahit yung ibang naglalakad sa paligid, napabaling sa direksyon namin. "I'm okay. I just need Gian. He's avoiding me but I need to talk to him."

"Sorry, pero hindi ko alam kung nasa'n si Gian ngayon," I honestly told her. "I'm not sure if I can give away his number, but I can tell him to talk to you?"

More tears cascaded down her pretty face. "Yes, please. Tell him to find me. He'll know. If you tell him, alam niya kung sa'n ako hahanapin. So please. Kahit i-text mo lang."

"Zoey!" May isang lalaki na biglang patakbong lumapit sa 'min. Chinito rin at kamukha niya. Must be her family. Mukhang nagulat 'yon nang makita kami ni Lhyle pero hindi niya kami masyadong pinansin.

"What's going on? Your friend texted me."

"Ahia!" Umiyak lang ulit si Zoey at niyakap siya. The new guy apologized to us then took off with her quickly. Ayaw pa nga niyang umalis no'ng una. But she looked seriously sick. Parang any moment, she'd pass out kaya pinilit namin siyang sumama na.

"What's that about?" I asked Lhyle nang magkatinginan ulit kami.

Nagkibit siya ng balikat. "Ewan ko sa pinsan mo. Daming babae e," sabi niya lang.

Which was sad but true. Either way, I did as I promised and sent a quick message to Gian bago lumabas ng campus to eat lunch.

***

After the exam, I went home right away. Kumain lang ako ng dinner with my brothers and then I prepared my books. Kailangan ko pang mag-review. Just to have a background noise, nagbukas ako ng TV.

Midway through my studies though, a familiar voice caught my attention. Kahit na sa TV lang 'yon, parehas ang naging epekto pa rin sa 'kin. My heart somersaulted.

"It was a great match. Up until the end, we didn't know who would win," Racel answered nang tanungin siya about the championship.

"You were really into the game. People are asking. Hindi kaya may special reason kung bakit?"

"I usually give my best in every game but someone special was watching so I exerted extra effort. It's worth it."

He smiled meaningfully. I held my breath. Wala na. Hindi na ako makapag-focus. Nasira na ang momentum ko sa pag-aaral dahil nasa kanya na naman ang atensyon ko. Dammit. He should be illegal. Like drugs and everything bad, he should be illegal. What he was doing to me, it was criminal.

In that moment, a notification from Facebook popped in. Checking it, I saw it was Justin.

Justin Jeremy Mercedez

Yo. Are you watching the news? Got my bud real good there, huh. Btw, thanks for seeing the game :D

Shuuuuuucks. Alam niya kaya? Pero malabo. Hindi naman siguro kiss and tell si Racel?

I typed my reply.

Congrats for winning :p

Naisip kong bumalik sa pag-aaral matapos no'n. Tapos na ang interview at minabuti ko nang patayin na lang ang TV. But minutes later, na-realize kong wala na talaga ako sa zone. I couldn't focus. I needed to talk to someone.

Kaya I messaged Ahron.

Me:

Babe?

Ahron:

Yes?

I called her on Facetime. She answered on the first ring.

Nakasuot si Ahron ng dark-rimmed glasses at nakapusod ang kulot na buhok nang mag-on ang cam. She's on the bed, probably reviewing before I called her.

I bit my lip, nagda-dalawang isip pa. Actually, nahihiya akong umamin sa kanya. But then naisip ko, since when did I start keeping secrets from her? She's Ahron. One of my best.

"What's up?" tanong niya with raised brows.

"I have something to tell you."

She nodded, urging me to go on.

"I don't know what happened, babe. It happened so fast. Nung una magkausap lang kami, and then . . ." I took a breath. " . . . and then . . . we were already . . . kissing."

"Wow." She chuckled. "I didn't know he had it in him. So? What did you do after?"

I bit my lip. "I kinda freaked out. I got scared, so I kinda bailed on him. What if my brothers find out?"

"Calm down now," kalmadong sabi niya. "Wala naman sigurong nakakita sa inyo. Well, meron ba?"

Umiling ako. "Wala naman, I think."

"Then don't be scared. You're better than that. Besides, your brother should grow up. If that Gutierez boy is serious about you, Jacob should back off."

I sighed. "If only it's that easy."

"Hm," Ahron hummed thoughtfully. "Don't overthink, Jan. You're not doing anything wrong. Just enjoy it."

"I don't know. This might blow up someday. Natatakot ako kina Kuya."

"What can he do to you? Jacob is an asshole but he clearly loves you."

"I know. Kaya nga nagi-guilty ako."

"Please." Ahron snorted. "It's just a kiss. Everyone does it." She added as an after thought, tilting her head, "What do you wanna do anyway?"

"Stay as friends? Ayokong may magbago sa 'min."

"At the expense of your brothers?" tanong niya.

"Syempre hindi. I want them to be okay kahit parang imposible."

"You're torn, I can tell, and that's understandable. It's normal. Just see how it goes muna. Pakiramdaman mo muna. Observe his intentions, your brothers. Yourself. And a piece of advice? If you want to stay as friends, then you better return his efforts din. Friendship is never one-sided."

Napangiti ako ro'n. Trust Ahron for a good advice.

"Of course, babe. Thank you. I'll do that."

"No problem. And remember. Anything that keeps you happy is always worth the fight. Take a risk, Jan. Otherwise you might regret it."

Ngumisi ulit si Ahron. Nag-thank you lang ulit ako sa kanya and then we dropped the call na.

That conversation made me see some light kahit papano.

Feeling a sudden urge, I grabbed my phone again and opened Facebook. Hinanap ko ang Facebook niya, yung naka-add sa private account ni Justin.

Racel Christian Gutierez.

His profile picture was a stolen shot of himself in the court, dribbling a ball.

Napahinga ako nang malalim. Tama si Ahron. I should take a risk. I should stop getting scared. Kung si Racel nga mismo, gumagawa ng paraan, then I should meet him halfway. For sure nag-dalawang isip din naman siya katulad ko. But he made a choice to risk.

Now, it was my turn to make him see na hindi lang siya ang nag-e-effort to make this work.

I took another deep breath and moved my cursor.

Oh, fudge. Bahala na. It was a wrong move but it was a progress. I'd take my chances. Kahit sa ganitong paraan lang, maparamdam ko sa kanya na gusto kong maayos kami.

There. I did it.

Friend request sent.