Asher followed me outside, his footsteps right behind mine. They were heavy which meant he also wasn't happy. I stopped by a park bench and rested my hands on it, leaning against it as I waited for Asher to pull up beside me.

"Why did you bring me with you?" Asher asked after a moment. The snow was barely falling and sticking to the earth's surface. I looked at Asher with a questioning look but didn't get to answer his question. "A better question would be; why have you been talking to me and spending time with me and helping me?"

I was confused on everything. Why was he doing this after what just happened? Why was he acting so weird?

"What are you talking about, Asher?" I asked, turning to him.

"I'm not blind or deaf, Bea. I can tell you feel like you need to be with me. I'm not a charity case, I don't need saving," he retorted. I stared at him, shocked.

"You aren't a charity case," I argued. "Where did you get that idea?"

"Back there in the bathroom." Oh crap. "You don't need me for that? Need me for what? To help you if you need me? I only need you?" He was getting angry now, shoving his hands in his pockets. Asher and I had our fights, but he never seemed this serious about being mad at me. I was scared, to be honest.

"Asher, it's not like that," I started. I didn't mean to say what I had, let alone let him hear it.

"It is like that," he finished. "I look sad so you have to make me happy. That's how it goes. I'm Asher, the boy with a broken soul that needs saving. Here's the thing, Bea: I don't want saved. I want to be left how I am - sleepless, messy, and alone."

With that, he pressed his lips into a thin line and took off speed walking down the sidewalk. I lost him in a matter of seconds in the crowd of people.

I stood there, staring at nothing as my eyes clouded over with tears. What just happened, because I'm pretty sure my heart was about to explode. I was still standing in the same spot when Luke stormed out.

He burst through the doors and looked around, an angry expression on his face. I looked at him, hoping he would talk to me and maybe we wouldn't be so mad at each other. Hoping that the day was over with anger.

"Luke –" I began, but stopped when he shook his head and walked away, his jacket clenched in a fist as he pushed through the crowd of New Yorker's.

I turned and headed back to my apartment, holding back the tears that threatened to spill over.

I took a few detours returning to the apartment. I had no idea if Ellie would be there and I certainly did not want her seeing me this way. I was tore up, my eyes felt puffy from crying and my cheeks felt numb from rubbing away the tears that got away. I walked through a few back alleys and ran into some cats. Each one ran away from me and saw it as a sign. I had finally screwed up enough to make everyone disappear. I knew it was a stupid thing to think.

But I was feeling irrational.

I remembered felling this way when I was younger. Feeling like everything was falling apart. I didn't know if I was going to pull off all these classes, having art classes plus psychology classes all at once. I didn't know if my parents would still love me tomorrow after all of what happened. I didn't know Asher would ever be like he used to be. I didn't know if I'd ever have a relationship with my brother.

Suddenly everything became too much. The world was still revolving, but I was stuck floating about it with the stars, watching it turn day after day.

It had been like this for a while. I knew I wasn't okay. But I thought that was normal by now. I never had the feeling that anything was permanent. Except death. Death with the only permanent thing.

I needed a way to bring myself back down to earth. I wanted to enjoy life for what it was. I wanted to be crazy and carefree and charismatic. I wanted to be a normal person, I wanted to see the light in the sun and see the beautiful things that should be there.

When I reached the apartment, I went straight to my room. I was happy to be alone so I could let go for a few hours.

"Here's the thing, Bea: I don't want saved. I want to be left how I am - sleepless, messy, and alone."

I picked up a pillow off my bed and threw it across the room.

Me too, Asher. Me too.

I sat down on my bed just as a knock on my door echoed through my messy room. I stayed where I was, not wanting to talk to anyone.

"Bea, I know you're in there."

Asher.

"Go away."

"Please come out, or else."

No response from me.

"Beatrice Junipter Montgomery," he huffed. "Don't make me use this thing."

My ears perked up at that. What did he have? I stood up and walked over to the door, sitting down in front of it Indian-style like a little five-year-old. My head pounded from my trying to hold tears.

"If you're not going to listen to me talk, listen to me sing, then," he said like a boy in a movie would. He had a way about him that made the cheesy things that he said sound okay. They made me cringe when I heard guys say them in movies, but when Asher Hawkins says them, I can't hardly stay standing. I was thankful to sitting down.

He began strumming his guitar and I recognized the tune, but didn't know what it was at first. As he sang our song, I felt everything slow down. My heart slowly beat in my chest, my eyes fluttered in what felt like slow motion, and my wet cheeks became less heated. I rested my head in my hands, arms on my knees.

I could have opened the door and stopped him, but I loved hearing it. I loved hearing that song and I loved hearing his voice. But I wasn't ready to give him my heart – not yet.

I stayed in the same position on the ground I had been in when he finished. He opened the door that was never locked and kneeled down beside me, pushing his guitar strap off and setting the guitar against the wall.

"There's something I need to tell you, and I don't think you're going to like it very much." He grabbed my attention with that as I stood up in front of him. We stood in the middle of my doorway, looking at each other like we hadn't seen one another in forever.

He's going to tell me that I need help too, that I'm just as crazy as he is, and that's why we fit together like two puzzle pieces. We're both out of our own minds.

"At the restaurant when you had a panic attack, I... remembered what we went through together. We saved each other, had the other's backs. We're doing that now too, Bea." He put both hands on either side of my face. "I don't think in the time we were apart, that I ever fell out of love with you."

Although I half expected it, I still found myself frozen. In shock, in fear, I don't know.

Asher glanced down at my lips and I saw it coming. The walls around us were breaking and crumbling into dust. I was suddenly aware of his hands on my face, his thumb gently caressing the skin under my eye, and his lips getting closer to my own.

Sucking in a deep and brave breath, I pulled away from him. He dropped his hands to his sides.

"I think," I began slowly, hesitantly. "I think that that was our problem, Asher. We don't love or know ourselves well enough to give to each other. We were two lost kids with lost dreams trying to find ourselves."

"We've grown a lot since high school, Bea," he argued, not making direct eye contact with me.

"That's the thing, I still haven't found myself. And I don't think you have either." I grabbed the door knob in my hand and squeezed it. I felt myself falling. Falling in love, falling out of sanity. Or maybe that's what it felt like to find myself.

I knew I loved Asher. But if I went with every feeling I ever had, I wouldn't be here today. If everyone did that, if we only listened to our hearts and not our minds, we would all be in trouble.

"I'm sorry, Bea," Asher said quietly, turning to walk away. I wanted to stop him and tell him that it won't always be like this. I stopped myself, closing the door.

"Me too," I whispered to myself as I slid to the ground and wrapped my arms around myself.

*

I laid flat on my bed when Ellie walked into my room. My eyes never opened when I felt her weight on the side of my bed.

"Are you going to get up any time soon?" Ellie asked, reminding me of a mother. Not mine, of course.

My eyes fluttered open and I stared at the ceiling. I'd been laying on the bed doing absolutely nothing while my mind worked its gears. I knew I was going to be late for my art class if I didn't go now, but the energy had left me.

"No," I muttered. Ellie flopped herself down beside me so she was also lying on her back, staring up at the ceiling.

"What are you beating yourself up about, hon?" She grabbed a pillow from the top of the bed and held it tightly in her arms.

"I think I made the wrong decision. I'm such an idiot, El." I bit down on my lips to keep from crying. I was tired of crying. "I told Asher that we couldn't be together right now. I had to find myself. How dumb does that sound? I may have just lost him. For good this time."

Ellie rolled around so she was on her stomach and looking at me. Her blonde hair fell into her face and she pushed it behind her.

"You know what my mom used to tell me?" She asked, but didn't wait for me to answer. "She used to say that a person couldn't love someone else unless they loved themselves first. And it's true. You can't give the heart you barely know yourself to someone else to figure out."

"But, what if I lose him?" I felt my voice shake so I quickly cut it off. This was a high school thing, crying over a boy.

"Sometimes you have to be the hero in your own story." Ellie pulled herself over so she could give me a hug before she rolled off the bed. I pulled myself up and wiped my eyes. "And no, my mom didn't teach me that life lesson. I learned that one from you." She gave me a soft smile before leaving me alone in my room.

I have to be my own hero.

And that's exactly what I was going to be.

I didn't have a cape or big muscles or even one of those fierce looks that Superwoman had. I was just Bea: hero of my own story. To start, I'd bury my burdens. Honestly, I had no idea how to do that. How was I supposed to get rid of the bad thigs if I didn't know what they really were?

I jumped out of bed and pulled on some clothes that looked okay together. I didn't really care as much about what I was wearing when I went to art class. It was my care-free and stress-free place to let go and do what I loved. Which is exactly what I needed.

I hurried to get to my class where I knew Mr. Roswell would have something for us to do. I was half excited and half anxious because I knew I'd figure out what I needed to do to fix the bad things in my life. All my problems that I faced daily, all my burdens. They would all be gone, and then I'd be one step closer to being happy, and maybe closer to figuring out who I really was.

It was complicated to take in all at once. Trust me, it was the only thing on my mind.

"Hey, you look a little lost," Mark said to me when I reached my seat in Mr. Roswell's class. I wasn't late, but actually kind of early. It surprised me that Mark was already here considering the trouble maker he tended to be.

"I always am, I'm just good at hiding it," I replied, a smile playing on my lips. We had easels in front of us with large, fresh, white canvas' waiting to be painted on. My fingers itched to get a hold of a paint brush or just anything that would leave a mark.

"I'll make you a map of life so you won't get lost so much," Mark chuckled as he pulled an ink pen out of his back pocket. He had baggy pants that looked like they were a size too big, and a pair of sneakers that looked ragged. I wondered what his life was like for a second before I caught sight of him doodling on his canvas meant for today's lesson.

"Are you allowed to be drawing on that?" I asked him suspiciously, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Sure," he said carelessly, shrugging his shoulders. I watched his hand move in a circle across the canvas, dragging the pen with him. After making a nearly perfect circle, he made two smaller circles inside it, and added a thin line in the shape of a stretched U.

"A smiley face," I deadpanned. "A smiley face is your map to life?"

Mark smiled proudly. "As long as you're happy, you aren't lost."

I nodded at that, finding it to be accurate. It seemed so much more complicated than that. With his philosophy on life, I knew I would need this guy in the next few hours while I figured out myself.

"Good point," I acknowledged. "Can I ask you a favor?"

He stroked his chin thoughtfully as he took the canvas off the easel and began prying the material off the frame of the canvas. I watched him as he casually did this.

"Depends, I guess," he replied after a moment. He successfully got the material halfway off, flipping it around to pry the other end off.

"I don't really know what it is yet," I told him, earning a curious glance from him. "That's what I need your help with."

"Can you give me a little bit of lead way?" He asked as he finally got the material off. He sat the frame on the ground and began folding up the material with a smile face on it.

"I just need to find a way to... I don't know, free myself? I don't know how to explain it." It felt impossible to tell someone else the way I was really feeling. The only person I could ever do that with was Asher, and I didn't do it very well even then.

Mark finished folding his map of life and held it on his lap, turning to me and giving me a very serious look. "Yeah, I'll help you. Only because I know exactly what you're talking about."

He then handed me his map, telling me to hold on to it for him. It would help me if I ever got lost again.

Somehow, I had a feeling that after today, I wouldn't get lost so frequently.

*

I followed Mark out into the lobby after class. He came to a stop in the lobby of the building, turning to look at me with a straight face. With the most serious look on his face, he began explaining his idea:

"Here's what we do: I need you to go find some water balloons, permanent markers, and two donuts – with sprinkles."

"What do those things have to do with...?" He dramatically held his finger up so it was hovering over my lips.

"Do you want me help or not?" He asked, crossing his arms over his chest. I looked around to see if anyone else noticed how crazy this kid was, or if I was going crazy for letting an 18-year-old boy help me on something like this.

"Okay." I gave in. "Where will we meet?"

He gave a hesitant glance back toward where we had just come and looked back at me. "Here. Right where we're standing."

With that, I escaped the warm building and practically ran to get the things Mark had requested. I found the markers in my bedroom with a rubber band wrapped around them, and I confiscated a bag of water balloons from a stash Ellie had left over from spring break last year. The donuts weren't so easy. I went straight to the bakery up the street from my apartment and contemplated on what kind of donuts I was supposed to get.

Then I realized it was stupid anyway so I quickly ordered two glazed donuts with sprinkles. I hurried back to the building then, hoping to find Mark waiting for me so we could get a move on. He sat on a bench in the corner of the lobby, his head leaned against wall behind him with his hat pulled down over his face.

I walked up to him and kicked his foot, jerking him awake. "Your majesty." I took a bow and lifted the donuts toward him.

"Well done, peasant," he said, chuckling to himself. "Let's go." He took the donuts from me and began walking back through the building. I didn't argue as I followed him, completely in the shadows as to what we were about to do.

And to be honest, if I would've known what we were doing, I might have backed out. Then again, I probably wouldn't have.

He first stopped in Mr. Roswell's classroom and headed toward the back of the classroom where there was a sink. Mark turned to me after setting the donuts safely on a nearby desk and asked for the water balloons. Handing them over, I leaned back against the same desk the donuts were on and watched him fill them up.

"So, are you going to tell me exactly what we're doing?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest and my foot over the other one.

"I'll tell you in a minute," he mumbled as he struggled to fill the balloon in his hand. "That minute would go faster if you'd help me."

I pushed myself off the desk and took the balloon from his hand, filling it up quickly. One after the other, we filled each balloon full of water so they were at a comfortable capacity. Mark pulled the bottom of his shirt up to hold the balloons in it as he took them to an empty desk and gently laid them down.

"Okay," he started. "We'll take these markers and write something on them, one word, that destroys us. Then, we'll destroy them. Get it?"

I nodded my head, but immediately became skeptical. "How are we 'destroying' these?" I asked, using my fingers as quotations marks.

"I guess you'll have to find out. Now, come on, I don't have all day." I shook my head at him and rolled my eyes.

"You must really love secrets, don't you?"

"Sure."

I pulled out my pack of markers and took the blue one while Mark took the black one. I watched him write his first word across the swelled balloon and place it to the side. The word was depression.

"Why did you write that?" My face turned red automatically when the question came out. Of course I knew why he wrote it on the balloon.

"Because it's destroying me. Always has, but maybe this will change that," he explained calmly. He was the most laid back teenager I'd ever met.

"Okay," I whispered. I picked up one balloon and stared at it for a moment. My mind was blank. I knew what destroyed me, but I didn't at the same time. Then I thought of one that had been destroying me for so long that I wasn't sure how I forgot it. Using my marker, I wrote the word judgement neatly across the smooth surface.

"Why judgement?" Mark asked, raising an eyebrow. He leaned against the desk and watched me as I put the balloon next to his.

"Judgement destroyed me in the first place. My parents', my friends', strangers'. Everyone's judgement made me think I wasn't good enough, and it still does," I told him. He nodded a head, a small smile on his face.

We continued writing things like panic, worthiness, fear, and happiness on each balloon. I stopped in the middle of my word when I saw Mark write happiness on his.

"Why happiness? How'd it destroy you?" I honestly wanted to know. For a guy who thought the map for life was a giant smiley face, he didn't follow it very well.

"I guess I really mean the illusion of happiness. I used to think I was happy because I settled for something that I didn't deserve. Turns out, the illusion destroyed me."

Nodding my head with only a little bit of cloudiness on that subject, I finished my word and realized that was all twelve balloons. He wrote on six, as did I.

Without a word, Mark took his six and I took mine and we both held them in our shirts as we left the room.

We took a sharp right through the door that had stairs bolted across the top. After climbing several flights of stairs, my thighs burned when we finally came to a stop, Mark turned to face a wide window. He pushed it up and the brisk air hit us like a thousand knives.

"Let's destroy these suckers." He smirked and picked up depression, kissing it before chucking it out the window. It looked as if he used to play baseball by how hard and fast he threw it. It smashed against the brick wall of the next door building and the water soaked it. He turned to me and pushed me toward the window. "You're turn."

I didn't hesitate to destroy the things thatdestroyed me.

___________________

So, the song is really important for this chapter. I imagine Asher and Bea's song being So Long Goodbye by Sum 41. The lyrics are great as well as the song itself. And the band. And the guys in it. So I really like them, I guess you could say.

Anyway, listen to it!

I'm so sorry for the week late update... I have been so busy and couldn't find the time to finish the chapter. It's not edited, this, just like every other chapter, is literally the first draft that will be edited later! Thanks for your patience.