Book: Identities, Responsibilities, Love
Username: fangirlfantasizing
Chapter reviewed: 1-4

Hello! Yin here.

So I've read 4 chapters of your book. Because you're a very new writer, let's take it step by step, okay?

Cover.
When people say don't judge a book by its cover, they're already half-wrong. Wattpad, especially, is a place where people judge a book by its cover. So you have to make sure you have a good one, at least attractive enough to attract readers.

Now. What's wrong with your cover?

Unless you write an anime fanfiction, avoid anime-based character cover. Is that Akame? It looks like her. People will see it as fanfiction rather than an original story. Your title and name on the cover are very vague too. I can barely read them. Choose a font and color that can be easily read. White font and white background don't blend well.

Title.
Identities, Responsibilities, Love.
Your title is too literal and it doesn't give us the hint of the premise of the story at all. What story is this? Other than romance, I have zero ideas what's the story about. It is supposed to be high fantasy, right? It's fine to be literal, but at least make it engaging. If I come across your book, I will never pick it up because of the title.

Blurb.
Avoid telling us all about your character's personality. A blurb like that usually doesn't work. A blurb is basically a mini summary of your book, without the spoiler.
'Meet (character's name)' is the most common start for new writers. Your blurb doesn't share any important insight on your plot/world. It's plain romance and confusing because it's too long and has no weight. I feel like the most pressing matter in this book is the war, not the relationship per se. But I get it. You want to write romance.

POV/style.
Before you start writing your book, you must have the point of view in mind. Usually, a high fantasy like yours would be written in 3rd POV, either subjective or omni. It's highly unlikely to have it in 1st POV like yours. It's doable, but it takes talent and experience I guess. You have to build your world, so having to see the world in the eye of one/two MC doesn't sit well with high fantasy. It's unlikely that the MC will describe everything from her point of view. It will become awkward for the MC to do that. Unless it's very character-based. But I still suggest you use 3rd POV.

Narration/description/characterization.
You also have to choose your tense. Usually, writers go for past tense, coz it's easier to write in. You write in past tense too. But at times, you shifted into present tense. Every time you finish a chapter, reread it for consistency.

The narration has to have a tone too. Give a personality to your characters. Please avoid telling us about their personality. Like you did. You describe the MC as 'I was mischievous, fun, cool, informal, and a badass'. Who says that about themselves? It doesn't make sense, right? When you tell people about yourself, do you TELL them you're a badass? It's very cringey and self-absorbed, don't you think? Even I cringed reading it. That's so not a cool way to show how badass your character is. You can SHOW us through her body gestures and dialogues and action. Not in the narration.

Grammar/punctuation.
Rule number one. AVOID using excessive exclamation marks. That's the worst way to write a story and show emotions. One is enough. One has the same effect as ten. More of it doesn't aggravate anything other than the annoyance of the readers.

You're not a native speaker, so I understand why you make grammar mistakes. You just have to read and read and read to learn and get it right.

Flow/Plot.
What are you planning actually? Do you want to write a plain romance or do you want to write something more weighty in terms of world building? Do you have the ending in mind? Because from what I read, you simply want to write romance. Yet you write high fantasy. Well, you can do that. But don't ignore the world building. Or else why would you want to write high fantasy in the first place?

I suggest you lessen the romance in it. Or add more world building. Focus on the war and her responsibility as the queen first. Give your world rules, a system. You only told us about the love interest ban. Talk about the world before you talk about love. She falls in love too early, it doesn't make sense. Unless there is some kind of plot twist, I already know Keith is Daniel in merely 4 chapters.

Others:
Now I'm going to list the parts that don't really make sense in your story specifically and periodically from chapter 1. You can choose to explain or not. I hope my questions will help you brainstorm for the second draft later.

1. Her father is going to war, yet he says he's coming back 'tomorrow'? I don't think people really go for a war for only a day. He talks as if he's only going to work. He's taking a horse. Not a plane. Is the place that near? I doubt so.

2. Uddiatha is a land of snow and ice, and according to you, they live in eternal winter and they can't build fire there. Then how do they eat? Cook? Do you know people will die without warmth/fire? Then how did they forge their weapons to go to war? You need fire to forge iron. So they will go to Fliridin (the land of fire) to get fire? But they're mortal enemies. How does the trading work?

3. And then suddenly you talk about the prince and about marriage. Why would she even think about marriage when they're enemies? And they've never met too.

4. She sneaked out of the castle. Sneak. Then why she screamed joyfully right after that? She's supposed to be sneaky. If she screams, people will know about her 'secret' as a Black Widow. And why is the name Black Widow? The character belongs to Marvel, you know. You can be original and choose another name.

5. And then from here onward things became excessively weird. She met someone she hasn't met before. Then suddenly she screamed 'You ruthless wannabe prince who slaughtered the lives of innocent people'. Welp! That's very weird.

6. Why would she say 'This ruthless man can't be the mysterious but charming Daniel'. Who's Daniel? She hasn't met him before, right? How does she know Daniel is charming and handsome?

7. 'The son of cockroach' is a weird joke.

8. It's highly unlikely for a person to share their sob story as a child when they just met. Daniel's dialogue about his father and all doesn't make sense. They haven't met before and just met for 5 minutes. Do you tell people your family issues when you just meet them?

9. Suddenly she cries while telling her sob story too. Why? There's no emotion buildup before that part.

10. She suddenly assumed he's Fliridian. Why? He doesn't say anything that hints he's Fliridian, right?

11. This is the only part I like in your book. The mysterious lake and how to get there. It's actually very smart and beautiful!

12. It's weird that her father suddenly asked her to sleep with a guy on their first meeting. She's underage. He sounds like he loves her very much. I don't think a father that protects her daughter like him will let her underage daughter sleeps with a guy.

13. Why they suddenly speak in French? And your French is wrong. It's supposed to be "Je m'appelle" and "Mais bien sûr que tu parles français. C'est très important pour une princesse. Non?" At least something like that. I just couldn't understand what you were trying to say in your original French. You can never just Google translate English to get the French of it, coz French is way different than English. The grammar is different. The sentence usually works differently too. You need a native to help you.
But I suggest you just don't use it. Why would they suddenly speak French in the first place? Is there French-speaking nation in the book?

14. You have occasional bold words. What are they for? You don't have to write in bold for accentuating something. You italicize it. Or just leave it like that.

15. He just called her darling, then he said, 'I just want to know you as a friend.' If he wanted to be just friend, I don't think he would call her darling.

16. And Keith repeats things Daniel said to her. How is he NOT Daniel?

17. Knights who guard castle don't sleep, at least not all of them at the same time. They're guarding a castle. Not a shopping mall. It's too convenient for everyone to sleep just to write about how 'badass' Black Widow can be. Robbers just don't simply manage to get into a castle to rob. And they're not even smart or strong.

18. Why would it be risky to fight them at the castle? Coz people will know she's the Black Widow? It's better if she wakes the knights and lets them settle the problem themselves.

19. And then, as expected, she meets Daniel. So they talk. And suddenly she calls him Keith. Eh? What's happening?

So from what I've read, I am sure that 'Daniel' will fall in love with 'Black Widow', and 'Keith has to marry Silvia'. So both of them will basically cheat on each other. So, is that right? Unless there's a twist, I already know the ending.

Let me tell you this. You have a lot to revise.  The good thing is, you just started with the book. You can either take it down and rewrite everything again OR just keep it and finish it. I suggest you keep it and finish it. That's what first draft is. Where you make a tonne of mistakes and write your instinct, whatever that comes to mind without thinking much of it.

Just the fact that you send your book to get reviewed means you're serious and you want to get better. I applaud you for that. You just have to read the same genre a lot. Don't let anime overwhelm your plot and style too much. You just wanted to write anime kinda plot. You have to read fantasy books. Read how the authors start their story. Read a lot of manuals too. How to write your first novel. Google it. You'll have a lot of guidance.

(Note from Cross: I want to just point out, most of the advice Yin has given you is with the mindset of looking at your book as a type of novel you would find in a Young Adult section at the book store.  Anime-type stories are a thing.  I think the correct term for that is a Light Novel.  It has very different working mechanisms than normal books, though.  Still needs basic writing techniques, but the feel and story elements and such tend to be more anime-esque.  You can do this type of writing, but just don't expect to see that type of novel on a book shelf in a normal book store.  And still stick to Yin's advice about reading similar type of books, but you'll read high fantasy Light Novels -- probably high fantasy romance Light Novels -- instead of just regular high fantasy stories.  Also, as someone who struggles with not fixing stuff after feedback, also definitely listen to Yin and just finish draft one first, then be astounded by the improvement come draft two.)

Go on. Just finish this first draft. When you're finished with it, come back and reread your chapters. You will see what to do to make it better later.

I hope you have the gist on how to start writing your book now. If you don't understand anything or have anything to ask, just let me know. 😁

Yours,
Yin.