Chapter 18

~Cam~

December 26

Dear Journal,

Yesterday was Christmas and I spent the whole day with Damion and it was the best Christmas I've ever had in my whole life. We were at a hotel in Chicago so it didn't have that homey feel like in the movies, but it was still perfect. Chicago is pretty cold this time of year, so we didn't go outside, but we got to stay in our suite all day and talk and watch TV, which made me happy.

Yesterday I even asked Damion to play pretend with me. It wasn't anything stupid, we pretended we were in love for the whole day. I didn't know that having somebody be in love with me would feel so good. It made me feel warm and happy all over, and I was smiling so much that the corners of my mouth are hurting even now, but it was worth it.

Damion even got me a gift; a really cool, complicated camera that I love so much. I never even thought he was going to give me a gift or anything but he did. All I gave him were some paintings, which kind of made me feel guilty, but he said he liked them. The camera is really expensive so I'm trying to be as careful as possible with it, and I'm also watching videos online so I can learn how to use it the right way. So far I'm having so much fun and now I don't have to ask Monte to borrow hers.

Yesterday and today I looked online to see if my brother posted any of the Christmas pictures of our family, but he didn't. I'm starting to wonder if he'll end up posting any. If he doesn't I think I might cry. I miss them all the time. I miss Chicago already. It was my first ever time being there and flying on the plane for the first time was pretty awesome too. The bathrooms are so tiny that you can barely even turn around properly in it. It was so cute.

I feel like it would be cool to visit Chicago again in the summer time when it's nice and warm because it was so cold that going outside wasn't fun at all, but I had the best time anyway. I also got to meet Tate; he's Paul's fiancée. Tate is British and handsome and cool, and I like his hair and the way he dresses, but he used to be Damion's sub which made me feel sort of weird, but he was nice to me. Everyone was nice to me. Damion has the best friends. Monte says positivity attracts positivity, so I guess that's why they're all so great.

I also talked to God for the first time too. I was going through a tough time and he was the only one I could think to talk to. I told him about Damion, Tate and James and I asked him to help me a little bit with my emotions. I asked him a bunch of questions too but I'm not exactly sure how I'll get the answer or if he was even listening, but I'm waiting to see.

All in all it was a fun time and I'm so glad that Damion brought me along, but my heart kind of hurts though. It hurts so bad that I feel like I can barely breathe.

It all started when after I told Damion I love him and I asked him to keep me. He wasn't very happy to hear that and maybe I even made him mad a little bit. I think maybe I made things harder for him too, but I didn't mean to. I just wanted him to know what I was feeling on the inside, but now I'm scared that I messed things up.

This morning we flew back home and he gave me the prettiest gold bracelet with my name on it, then he said he was going to be selfish, but then we stopped at Donny's house for a little while and Donny and Damion talked for a long time in private and after that Damion took me home and told me that he had to end everything.

I think maybe Donny said something and that's okay, because brothers are meant to look out for each other, but I still feel really bad about it. Monte says I might be stressed and I think maybe I am. I miss him and I don't know if he'll let me see him again. He said I still should go to see the therapist every week and I will, and I'm still going to send him some of my journal entries maybe.

Tomorrow I'm going to maybe paint a little bit or maybe I'll go out and take some pictures. I don't know yet. I'm not really feeling like doing much of anything but I'm going to force myself to. Otherwise, I'll just feel even more miserable and I don't like feeling miserable. I was even thinking of maybe going out for ice cream tomorrow just to have something to do but I don't know yet. I guess it depends on how I feel.

I think maybe Monte's right that I'm stressed and my heart hurts too. Being in love was suppose to be a good thing. In the movies, they make it look so easy and everybody's always so happy and they end up together, and live happily ever after, but I just feel sad.

It's midnight now and all day my chest has been feeling sort of empty; like something that should be there isn't there anymore. I can't stop crying because I don't want it to be over but Jason always used to say that there wasn't any point in crying so you might as well suck it up and keep going. Sometimes its just not that easy for me. Jason was strong and I am just Cam. I wish more than anything that I could take back what I said to Damion. I wish I hadn't gone and ruined it all, but there's nothing I can do about that now and it sucks.

My highlight of the day was getting the bracelet from Damion. I'm going to keep it forever.

-Cam.

.................................................

January 1

Dear Journal,

I haven't written in a little while. Mostly because I didn't have anything to write. Nothing new has been happening and not much of anything changed since the last time I wrote, but I figured I should at least try today since it's the start of a new year and all.

No, one good thing did happen actually, and I guess maybe that's why I'm writing today. Damion called me! I can't stop smiling because I haven't heard from him since the day after Christmas. He called this morning to wish me a happy new year and I still can't believe it. I didn't expect it at all but I'm so happy I got to hear his voice. I feel like maybe it's the start to a good year. At least I hope it will be. I haven't made my resolutions yet, but I have an idea of some of the things I want this year. I really want to cry less, save more, paint more, do better at work, get better at using my camera and maybe take that cooking class I've been wanting to take.

I wonder if Damion usually makes resolutions. I feel like maybe he doesn't because he seems to have everything pretty much figured out. I wonder if I'll ever get to that point in life; I doubt it though because I'm an average guy. Damion is on a different level. I should actually be getting ready for work right now instead of writing. I hate that I have to work today of all days. I was hoping that I could have today free to sleep. My boss sold the place to a new person and I don't think he likes me very much.

No matter what I do he gets mad at me; even when I try my absolute best. Sometimes I don't even make mistakes and he still gets mad for no reason and sometimes he yells. I hate when he yells. I feel like maybe I'm going to get fired and I don't know what to do to stop it. I genuinely try my best and I work every single day now just to try to make him happy, but nothing works.

Then to make things worse he sent me to the kitchen to make something even though he knows I can't cook and I don't know what happened but my hair got singed and it was so bad that Monte had to shave the whole thing off. Now I've got a buzz cut. I don't really like the way it looks but I like how it feels when the wind blows and I can feel it on my scalp. When the sun's real hot, it burns though, which sucks.

Maybe it's a good thing that me and Damion don't see each other anymore because I wouldn't want him to see my hair like this when I look so weird. I miss him though. Sometimes I imagine just taking a taxi and going over to his house just so I can see him, but then I would look like a crazy stalker.

Monte says it will probably get worse before it gets better, and when time passes I'll start to feel okay again, but I don't think that will ever happen. I have too many feelings bottled up inside me.

I went to the therapist a few days ago and I really wish I could just stop. All she does is ask questions about my life; private thoughts that are mine and Damion's alone. She must be having a hard time with me though since I don't have much to say. I swear I feel bad about it sometimes but it is what it is. If I can't at least keep my thoughts just for me, then what's the point of having a mind?

I don't think it's working; whatever it is that's supposed to happen, but I guess all I can do is try to see what will come out of it. Monte says there's nothing to fix. She says I'm perfect just the way I am, but clearly Damion thinks otherwise and I'm having a tough time trying to figure out who to believe.

I've thought a lot about the things Damion has been telling me; like how Master Drake was wrong and all that, and no matter how much I try to wrap my head around it, I just don't see what he sees. Master Drake only ever tried to help me understand my place as a sub. Damion keeps saying that a sub is supposed to set the rules and all that, but I think and I think, and I just don't see how that makes any sense. A Dom is bigger and stronger and wiser. He's the one who's supposed to be in charge, otherwise what's the point of having a Dom and a Sub? Might as well have two Doms then.

Maybe things are just different depending on where you go. Maybe at Damion's club that's how it worked because everyone in his world is rich, so one rich person telling another rich person what to do is wrong to them, but in my world, we do it the normal way; one's in charge and one's not.

And being told what to do is easier anyway. I like not having to worry about making decisions. I like when things are simple and yes, sometimes it ends up hurting real bad, but that's only when I don't do what I'm supposed to. All it means is that I need to be better.

I want to maybe read something about the lifestyle or watch a video or something so I can understand where Damion is coming from, but I can't exactly type that kind of stuff in on the computers at the library or the internet café down the street, and there's nobody I can talk to about it who would would understand. Tate thinks the same way Damion does because he's from that kind of life, but he would need to be poor like me to understand the way Dom's and Subs do it where I come from.

My highlight of the day was when Damion called me. I really like hearing his voice; it's very deep.

-Cam.

.............................................

January 13

Dear Journal,

My hair is starting to grow back, which is pretty great.

Today I had lunch with Tate for the first time since Chicago and it was awesome. It was nice getting to go out somewhere with somebody other than Monte for a change. Not that going out with Monte is a bad thing, it's just that she's the only friend I have, so it was nice to experience hanging out with another friend. At least I think me and Tate are friends now; he said we should meet up for lunch and stuff more often, which I think means he wants to be friends with me.

He's so nice and funny, and his accent makes me feel like I'm in a movie. We went to this cool Creperie that I've never been to before uptown, and the food and the atmosphere was so good. I especially loved how the owner made the place feel so artsy. They allow customers to draw on the walls and on the glass windows and doors with colored markers, so the place looks magical; I love it. It made me feel really comfortable and relaxed being in there and it wasn't expensive or anything, which means I can go back by myself at anytime just to sit and draw.

I've decided that I'm not going to take Monte there though, because then she'll tell Leo all about it and he'll start going there and ruin everything. It'll just be a spot for me and Tate and maybe Paul if he wants to come because I like Paul...and if Damion ever shows up again then I'd like to go with him too.

Every time I think about Damion I get this bad feeling in my stomach. Tate says I'm lovesick, and he says Damion's lovesick too; which kind of made me feel happy for a second, but making me hope isn't helping things. Sometimes I kind of wish I never met Damion, because then at least I wouldn't be miserable all the time. Back on New Years day, I said that one of my resolutions was to cry less this year, but all I do is cry and we're still in January.

Being in love sucks. I could get my arms and legs broken and it would hurt less. I've been sending Damion some of my Journal entries; not all of them, because now that we're done, I decided to keep some of them private. But in the entries that I send him, I make sure to sound as upbeat as possible so he doesn't have to feel burdened that I'm not doing so well. I just want him to be happy.

Monte says if I lose anymore weight the wind will take me away one day. On the days when I miss Damion the most, I find myself standing outside praying for the wind to actually take me away, but no such luck of course.

I asked my therapist what I could do to stop feeling this way and she couldn't give me a solid answer; just as I thought; she can't help me. She's trying though, so I have to be patient. She says I'm depressed and she prescribed something for me to take for it, but people get depressed all the time and I don't see them taking medication for it. Anyway, getting rid of my depression won't make my heart hurt any less.

These days I don't even feel much like getting out of bed, but I do it anyway cause of course I've got to help Monte with the bills. I feel like we were happier when we lived on the streets; back then we didn't have bills to worry about, and me and Monte didn't have distractions, so we got to spend more time together and just sit outside and talk until midnight and later even.

It's true what they say, that you can't have it all. Things will get better but you'll lose something in the process. At least Monte is happier though. She got herself a steady boyfriend even though I hate him so much that it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I want to save more this year so I can move out. I don't think I can stand to stay in the same house where Leo keeps coming and going for much longer.

He looks at me weird and he says things he's not supposed to say, and every time I'm in the same room with him, my skin starts crawling. It'll be a long time before I can move though; things like this take money and even if I do find a way, it'll be hard for me to tell Monte that I'm leaving.

Yesterday I started thinking a lot about decisions and how making the decision to run away from the boys' home with Monte years ago changed my whole life. I started to wonder what my life would have been like if I'd stayed behind. Maybe I would have gotten to go back home with my parents. Maybe I'd be in college right now and I'd have celebrated Christmas with everybody.

Maybe I would have had to pretend to be straight though. I probably would have never gotten to experience going on a pride March and I wouldn't have met Jason or anything. Those were yesterday's thoughts though. Today I'm mostly thinking about the future. I'm thinking about jobs and money and feelings and responsibilities. I'm thinking about doing something crazy like following my crazy dream to quit my job and paint full-time. I'm thinking about what it would be like to have a boyfriend who actually wants me, and about collars and maybe getting a little dog like Happy.

And now I'm crying again while writing this because crying is obviously a part of my personality. I'm also thinking seriously about the word acceptance and what it means. I'm thinking that maybe it's time to accept myself the way I am just like how I had long ago accepted that I am gay.

Maybe it really will be better to just accept that this is me; nothing special. Monte says I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but I really don't think so. All I'm doing is just accepting reality. Maybe this is what it means to grow up.

My highlight of the day was having lunch with Tate and discovering my new chill spot.

-Cam.

.............................................

January 24

Dear Journal,

I'm at Damion's house. I never thought this would ever happen again, but I'm here and it feels just the way I left it. I never realized just how much I missed it here until I stepped through the front doors. Getting to be with Happy is just the icing on the cake. It feels safer here than at my real house. Leo can never get to me here; no one can. Nobody would even dare mess with Damion; he's huge and he's a firefighter. Leo wouldn't dare.

Sometimes I still feel scared though; like when I'm sitting by myself in one of these big rooms and I start to think about what happened. I get so scared that I have to take deep breaths just to calm down. I hate what Leo did. I hate that he made me feel like this. I was so scared when he attacked me. I thought for sure that he was going to...... I can't even write the rest. I didn't even know that these things happened to guys, but then master Drake always said I was more like a girl than a guy. I never believed it until now.

I'm all soft everywhere and I have no muscles or facial hair. My eye lashes are long, my hands are small and my voice isn't even deep. The only thing that makes me sure that I'm even a guy is that I have male bits.

Maybe he tried to do that to me because of how I look. Maybe I should have worn baggier clothes or stayed in my room more when he came over, or maybe I shouldn't have smiled at him that first time Monte had introduced us. Maybe I should try to be more manly. Maybe I should start working out. I didn't even expect him to go that far. He was never rough with me before. And now I'm crying again like some softy. I wish tears were never invented, all they do is get in the way.

Damion's sitting by the pool watching me. He looks worried. This is the first time I've ever seen him look worried and I don't know how to feel about it. I like it when he's happy. When he'd rescued me from Leo he'd been angry, and the day he'd taken me back from Chicago he'd just looked kind of sad. I rarely get to see him smile and I'm starting to wonder what makes him happy. He's not an easy man. That's for sure.

I think maybe he looks worried because he thinks I'm in a lot of pain. Everything hurts, and even when I take the pills Anna gave me I can still feel it whenever I move around. My eye hurts the worst and then my male bits. I've been hurt plenty of times though. I've felt pain ten times worse than this, so I guess this isn't really anything to complain about.

Every time Damion tries to touch me I keep remembering Leo, and I don't know why and I feel so stupid. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about telling Damion everything that happened, or just talking about Leo in general. I feel so stupid and embarrassed that I let him do this to me. I feel like Damion will hear and he'll think it's my fault for maybe leading him on. He'll think I'm weak, because what kind of guy almost gets r*ped by another guy? I've never heard it happen before.

I wish I could just wipe everything from my mind, but Monte says people have to face their problems head on. I'm so scared to talk to Monte especially. She's going to be so mad at me because she really loves Leo. He's the first guy she's been with for such a long time and I don't know what to say to her, except that I'm sorry and I know that won't be good enough.

Leo is sitting in jail because of me. What if she never forgives me for it. Damion says I'll most likely have to go to court, but I can't do it and I won't do it. I wish there was someone I could talk to about everything, like Tate; Tate never judges and he's my friend.

Happy's gotten so much bigger since the last time I saw him, and Damion bought him so many toys it's crazy. He's not as shy as he was before either. Now he runs all over the place and barks a lot and stuff. I'm so proud of him. Damion did a real good job and I'm proud of him too.

I still can't believe I'm here with Damion. It's been three long miserable weeks not being able to see his face, but now here he is. He still makes my heart race and I still love him more than anything in the whole world. I won't tell him how I feel ever again, but I'm going to try so hard to make him fall in love with me. No more lies, no complaining, no more crying. I'm going to practice my cooking and I'm already sort of good at cleaning and folding laundry and I won't argue with him or make him mad.

Monte says that in whatever a person does in life, he should try to make himself indispensable, and that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make it so that he misses me when I'm not there, and then he'll want to keep me. I know he doesn't want any romantic stuff, but he said if I want, he'll start over my training when I'm better and he says I can stay here for however long I want. He even offered me a job and everything. He's always doing so many nice things for me and don't do anything for him, but I'm going to do my best.

One day when everything's perfect I'm going to show him my second journal. It's not bad that I have a second journal because I started this when he ended everything, so these are my own private thoughts. Now that everything's starting over though, I won't be able to write in here anymore because that would be wrong.

My highlight of the day is being with Damion and Happy, because I love them and in my heart they're already my family.

-Cam.

.........................................................................

The bruises made me uglier.

I stared hard at my reflection in Damion's bathroom mirror and my frown deepened with each passing minute. I wondered how Damion could even look at me. My left eye was swollen black and blue, my lip was split and swollen from when I'd accidentally bitten it when Leo had attacked me, and even my left cheek was swollen, making my face look lopsided and weird.

I tilted my head to inspect the bruises on my neck from where Leo had squeezed me, and then looked down at my naked body at the scratches on my hips. He'd even bruised my arms and wrists from where he'd held on. I hated that my skin was so sensitive. Why couldn't I be tough like normal people? Why did everything have to be so obvious? Now people would see me and they would know. They would wonder why I looked like I'd gotten beaten up, and they'd wonder what kind of a man couldn't protect himself.

I hated that I was so soft and small and useless. Why couldn't I have been born big and strong like Damion? Then Leo would have never messed with me. I blinked back the tears and hated myself for always crying like some baby. What kind of a man was I? I didn't even have facial hair except for those really tiny hairs that were starting to grow in on my chin.

I sniffled. "Why can't I just be normal?" I whispered to myself, then flinched when I accidentally bumped my hip into the counter, then groaned because flinching made my left eye hurt so bad that it started to water. I sighed, before carefully pulling a shirt over my head.

I could cover up my body, but there wasn't anything I could do about my face, and that fact made me extra nervous about going to the therapist today because her waiting room was always packed with people. I touched the tip of my finger to my swollen eye; Damion said that it would look worse before it started to look better, but I couldn't even imagine it looking worse than it already was.

"Cam? Everything alright in there?" Damion called from outside the bathroom door. I 'd been in there for a while now, wasting time looking at myself.

"Yeah I'm alright." I called back.

"Come downstairs when you're done, breakfast is almost ready."

"Okay."

I listened for his departing footsteps and then for the bedroom door closing, before I took a deep breath and finally pushed open the bathroom door. I stood by the bed and dried my hair as best I could with the damp towel, then carefully pulled on the baggiest and softest pair of pants I could find. I didn't bother with underwear because anything pressing against me hurt too much. I glanced at myself one more time in mirror and sighed, before finally heading down the stairs. I could smell the sizzling bacon and my favorite pancakes already, and I smiled.

I'd missed waking up to the smell of food being cooked, but more importantly, I'd missed Damion's food. I think he realized that sitting on a stool would be too much for me, because instead of the usual place by the counter, he'd set the table. I glanced at him as I made my way to the chair. He was on the phone talking business, while he scrambled the eggs in the pan. I picked up the cup of peppermint tea from the table and took a sip, then continued to watch him move around in the kitchen, doing this and that as he continued his important call.

He was so capable. I set down the cup, then propped my chin in my hands and watched him. He was talking to someone about share prices and some company that was delisting from the stock exchange; whatever that meant.

"Have they issued the director's circular?" he was asking with a frown as he stirred. "What was their recommendation?"

I loved watching him talk business because usually so many different expressions crossed his face, and I liked to see everyone of them. Right then he was frowning as he listened to the person on the line. He took the strips of bacon out of the pan and placed them in the napkins on a plate.

"I glanced through the Offer Circular but I haven't had the chance to give it a thorough review. In any event, I'm not about to sell my shares for less than the last trading price. What are they thinking?"

He turned off the stove, and when I stood, intending to help him carry some of the plates to the table, he shook his head and I sat and waited. First, he set down the plate of pancakes, then the bowl of scrambled eggs. There was also a small jar of maple syrup, a plate of honey wheat toast and finally the bacon.

"Eat." He whispered to me, then gestured to the food on the table, before picking up a mug of coffee and leaving the room. I figured he was going to finish up his talk in his office. I cocked my head to the side and listened for the sound of the door closing down the hall, and after a few short minutes, it came.

I served myself what I could manage, and chewed slowly because even chewing took some effort. I wondered what my boss had said when Damion had called him to tell him that I wouldn't be back to work for a while; no doubt he was mad. I knew that it was only a matter of time before I got fired though, so I figured maybe I should just accept Damion's offer.

A Five Star restaurant. The only Five Star restaurant I'd ever been to was the one Damion had taken me to in Chicago, and that had been no joke. All the waiters had been wearing cute matching uniforms and they didn't make mistakes. It was definitely nothing compared to the little diner where I worked.

I wondered if the staff would be nice, and if I'd have some kind of supervisor. I also wondered if working there meant that I would see Paul, Tate and Donny all the time. I glanced up from my plate when I heard the doorbell ring, and walked into the living room, where I stood on my tip toes so I could see through the peephole.

It was Donny. I glanced down the hall to see if Damion was coming to open it, but when I heard nothing, I pulled open the door. Donny stood on the porch with my bags in his hand, and a bright smile when he saw me. I smiled back hesitantly.

"Hi."

"Hi yourself." He said, and stepped into the room when I moved out of the way. He placed the bags on the floor by the couch and I closed the door behind him.

"Damion's in his study." I told him, and he nodded, turning to face me with furrowed brows.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"I'm okay. Thanks for getting my stuff for me."

He nodded, but he was starting to get that look in his eyes that Damion had all the time now; kind of sad, kind of angry, kind of worried. It was weird how much the looked exactly alike even in their eyes.

I pointed toward the kitchen. "Damion made me breakfast." I told him, and he gestured for me to go, then followed not too far behind me as I went.

I sat in my spot at the table and reached for my cup of tea as he went to raid the fridge. When he straightened, he pulled out a carton of milk, then reached into the cupboard for the cereal. I watched him while thinking about just how different they were. Damion never ate cereal; that box had been in the cupboard since the first time I'd visited. He poured them into a bowl and grabbed the seat across from me.

He snatched a strip of bacon from the pile on the tray, popped it into his mouth, then dug into his cereal like a starving man.

"You're here?" Damion's voice boomed from behind me, and I turned to see him standing there with his coffee mug in hand. He grabbed the seat beside me and began piling the food onto his plate.

Donny nodded as he chewed; his eyes meeting Damion's, and I wondered if this was one of those moments where they were doing the silent communication thing. I'd noticed that they did it a lot. Damion poured way too much maple syrup over his pancakes, and Donny and I both cringed when he took a bite.

"How come you like your coffee black but you eat like that?" I asked him, but Donny replied instead.

"That's because he has to make up for all the sugar he consumes throughout the day." He said. "I'm surprised he doesn't have diabetes after all these years to be honest."

"We all have our demons." Damion said, and I almost melted when I saw the small smile on his face. I liked the way the corners of his eyes looked when he smiled.

I remembered when I used to visit and the jumbo candy jar would be full to overflowing one day and by the end of the week it would be empty. I used to think he gave them away or something, but now I knew better. I smiled, watching him eat until he looked at me.

"Aren't you eating?" he asked, and I picked up my fork and took another bite of my pancake. Truth be told, I didn't eat as much anymore. My appetite left me in Chicago.

"Do you want to go to your therapist today?" he asked when I started playing around with my food. I looked at him in surprise.

"Don't I have to go?"

"When you're fully healed I'd like for you to continue going every week, but for right now, if you don't feel like it, then that's up to you."

"Then I want to skip today please." I said, and he nodded. "Are you going to work today?"

He glanced at Donny, who had just finished his bowl of cereal and was reaching for some more bacon.

"I could stay with you today if you want." He replied, but I shook my head slowly. I didn't want to stay by myself but I also didn't want to interfere with his work.

"Do you think I could come with you just to look at the place? I won't get it your way or anything." I said, looking back and forth between the brothers. Donny shrugged and Damion nodded.

"I'm just going to check in for a few minutes. I don't mind if you come along." He said, then slapped Donny's hand away when he reached for more food.

"Will you let him eat?" he asked with a frown, and Donny gave up and leaned back in his chair.

"It's okay. I'm full."

"You've barely touched your food though Cam. Are you sure?" he asked, and his voice was so gentle that I almost forgot to respond.

"Um...yeah, I'm sure." I said. "Are you leaving soon? Can I go change now?"

"At least finish your tea first." He said, and I drank huge mouthfuls until it was done and got up. I could feel their eyes on me as I left the room, but before I headed upstairs, I decided to stop by the living room to grab some extra clothes from one of the bags.

As I stooped there searching through them, I heard Damion say to Donny; "Try not to stare too much next time. It'll make him uncomfortable."

"How's he doing?"

"It's only been three days. Not much has changed. He doesn't eat, barely sleeps and when he does, he has nightmares. He's somehow lost more weight since coming here, and as long as he's moving he's feeling pain. I'm worried about him."

"That asshole really did a number on him. Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't think so. Thanks for bringing out his bags." Damion said. "Did you see his roommate?"

I cocked my head to hear the answer; my heart in my throat. "No, the place was empty."

There was silence after that, and finally Donny spoke again. "Has he said anything about what happened?"

"No, nothing." Damion said with a sigh, and I suddenly felt really guilty.

"Well these things take time. You just have to be patient with him."

I quickly gathered up my clothes and started up the stairs; not wanting to hear the rest of their conversation.

In the bedroom, I made sure to pull on clothes that would cover my arms, and I decided that I could wear my sunglasses to hide my eyes, but I frowned down at the jeans I held in my hands. I didn't want to even think about how uncomfortable they would feel against my bruised skin.

"You don't have to dress up. Just wear what makes you feel comfortable." I jumped at the sound of Damion's voice in the room, and glanced around to see him entering his closet. I hadn't even heard him come in.

"Did Donny leave?"

"Yeah. He has papers to grade." He said, and I nodded even though he couldn't see me.

"How come both of you have two jobs even though you don't need to?"

"People can be passionate about more than one thing." Was all he said, and I nodded in understanding. It was like with the way I loved my art and my photography, except I wasn't making money off either of the things I was most passionate about.

"It's not easy to do what you love for a living." I told him as I pulled on another baggy track pants. "You must be really happy that you get to do that."

He exited the closet with his outfit and lay them down on the bed. I sat down beside them and watched him.

"Have you ever heard that saying that goes "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life?"

"Yeah."

"Well it's true."

"Yeah. I wish everyone could do it too. You must be really happy all the time."

"People are generally afraid of taking risks, that's why they find it so hard to achieve their dreams. You have to be willing to make sacrifices." He said, and somehow I felt like he was trying to tell me something.

"If I focus on my art, I might end up on the street. Most artists don't get very far."

"Why can't you be the exception?"

"I—" I paused, thinking about it for a second. "Because I'm not an exceptional person."

"You won't know unless you try."

"I guess." I carefully pulled my hoodie over my head. "Maybe I'm not ready to make sacrifices though." He smiled when I said that, and it went all the way to his eyes.

"Now might be the perfect time for you to try. You won't have to pay rent or bills here and instead of working at our restaurant full-time, maybe you could consider a part-time position. You'll still make more than you do working at the diner. This way you'll have a lot of free time to do what you love and absolutely nothing to lose."

"I'll feel bad living here and not helping out." I told him honestly, and he nodded thoughtfully. My gaze traveled down his hard chest and across his stomach, settling on the treasure trail leading to his fun parts.

"You can take care of Happy for me then." He finally said. "That's helping out."

"But that's not enough."

"It is." He pulled his shirt over his head and I blinked.

"How come you're helping me so much?" I asked then. "I know it's not because of with happened with Leo, because you used to help me a lot in the beginning too, but I'm just Cam and I don't do anything for you, so why help me all the time?"

"It's okay for people to help each other without expecting anything in return." He said as simple as that, and I felt the usual tears fill my eyes.

"I really appreciate everything." I told him, making circles on the sheet with my finger. When I felt his fingers on my chin, I tried to blink away the tears, but he tilted my face up, and they spilled over.

"I know." He said, and he was still smiling, which made my heart feel funny. He wiped away the streaks with his thumbs, and I felt my face go hot.

"Okay." I said and my voice was shaking.

"And you don't have to feel embarrassed about anything with me Cam. I'd rather you cry in front of me than somewhere by yourself."

I realized then that Damion wasn't successful just because he worked hard. He was also successful because good things normally happened to genuinely good people, and Damion was the best person I knew.

..........................................................

He held my hand as we crossed the parking lot, and my fingers felt extra warm trapped inside his big hand. I'd missed this too. There were a lot of things I'd missed, but this was one of the things I'd dreamt about; holding his hand, being close to him, smelling his cologne, hearing his voice, seeing his handsome face; it all still felt like a dream.

"Do you want anything to drink?" he asked as soon as we stepped into his restaurant, and I shook my head.

The place was amazing... and I wasn't just saying that because he was the love of my life. It was absolutely stunning. The ceilings were every artist's wet dream; not only were they extremely high, but it was covered in art work so breathtaking that I had to stand there for a while just taking it in.

By the time I looked away, he was already more than half way across the room. I followed as quickly as I could behind him, while taking in as much as I could. Everything was extravagant and beautiful; from the floors to the walls to the tables. The lighting had to be my second favorite, after the ceilings. The bulbs they'd used were unique; I'd definitely never seen anything like them before, and I wondered how they went about choosing them.

You could tell just at a glance that a lot of thoughtfulness and hard work went into making the place perfect, and I loved it. The restaurant we'd visited in Chicago couldn't compare. I ran my fingers over the paneling along the wall and breathed in the clean scent of the air. At the diner where I worked, it always smelled like used oil and fried chicken.

"What time do you open?" I asked him when we reached the bar.

"4:00 p.m. on Saturdays and Sundays. 11:00 a.m. during the week."

"It's really beautiful in here." I told him truthfully.

"Thanks. I'll let Tate know. He's the interior designer."

"Oh yeah." I said in awe. To think, Tate had done all this. He was even more talented than I'd thought. "I don't think I've ever seen a bar this big." I continued, following him behind the bar.

"Yeah?"

I nodded. "Yeah." I watched him pull a tall glass from a cabinet and fill it with coke, then he handed it to me, along with a small bag of nuts.

"Thank you." I said, taking them from him even though I hadn't wanted anything, and followed him to the very back of the restaurant to the double doors that were blocked off by those cool red ropes that I always saw at the exclusive clubs in the movies.

"This is a private entrance to the Gentleman's club for ease of access for members who are dining at the restaurant on any particular night." He said. "There's a main outside entrance as well."

He led me through the large gold doors which were hidden from the view of the rest of the restaurant, and what I saw inside was not at all what I had expected.

                                                         AUTHOR'S NOTES

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-unedited.

-DoUbLe.A