І thіnk оf уоu оut оf thе bluе

Whеn І'm wаtсhіng а mоvіе thаt уоu'd hаtе

Yоu'd ѕаy it

You wеrе nеvеr оnе tо hеѕіtаtе

Yоu wеrе аlwауѕ fіrѕt іn lіnе

Ѕо whу wоuld іt bе dіffеrеnt fоr heaven?

***

"Am I a bad brother?"

"Depends." Karai lightly swings a leg off the side of the island where she perches, eyeing him with the same detached air that she fronted all night. "You chained your brother to bed. Coming from someone who was imprisoned by family... Not fun."

Leo shakes his head, "I-I didn't have a choice-"

"I feel like you could have come up with one." Karai tries not to let the irritation creep into her tone. "Shocked O'Neil was cool with it."

He thumbs the mug, shoulders slumped. "She... She, uh, doesn't... Really..."

"You waited until she left, didn't you?"

Reddened eyes leave the brown surface to glare at her. "Not on purpose. He woke up and the first thing he tried was running off! I mean, what was I supposed to do? Call her and ask permission? I'm the Sensei here and I don't-"

"Don't get defensive with me." She scolds as she gets to her feet. "I don't have to be here."

Leo's fire dies, looking away so fast that she almost misses the new sheen of tears. He pushes the tea away, a light tap against the pot. He rubs his eyes. "Sorry."

"No." She decides as the discomfort that she's not used to swells in her chest. "That was stupid. A brother has a right to mourn, even if it make him snippy."

Leo's voice drops. "So does a sister."

She shrugs. "He was more to O'Neil than he ever was to me. And I know how much he means to you." Karai walks beside him, settling on a island seat and placing her hand over his. "I meant what I said. I will handle preparations. Anything that Donatello can't bring himself to do, at any expense. Say the word."

He turns his hand over, giving her fingers a light squeeze. "I can't believe I'm planning a funeral. We don't even have a-a body. There- there isn't anything to..." His voice trembles as he swallows the words down. Karai watches him, uncertain what the right thing to say is. She sticks with the tried-and-true of not saying anything at all, letting the silence flow around them.

Karai hates how practiced she is at this now. How was there a point in her life where she had every intention of forcing him through this kind of pain?

She knew he was a good person, and she saw it as a weakness. She'd looked down on him for his lack of faith in his brothers as warriors. She'd never thought about how little he truly had, and how much she could have taken away.

She can't believe she'd never see Raphael again. She doesn't understand how it was possible for a flame as bright as his to be put out. He'd always seemed so much louder than fear and so much stronger than death. Leo always stood taller with that fury at his side.

"I think Donnie hates me."

"Chaining someone up will do that."

"I can't lose anyone else, Karai. I can't-" Leo closes his eyes. "I almost killed someone. Because I thought he was Shredder. I saw him. Right in front of me. And I was so sure..." He trails into his thoughts as his eyes open. He shakes his head, puffing out air in a humorless laugh.

He brings his hands up, frustration leaking in. "I don't know what I was sure of. Shredder was dead. I knew he was dead and I still..."

Karai shouldn't, but she dares. "Has Splinter...?"

"We aren't on talking terms."

The curt air spells out a warning that she doesn't miss. Karai doesn't know how to acknowledge the bitterness that rolls off him in waves.

"Has he reached out?"

He presses his lips together, glancing towards the curtain.

Karai frowns. "They still don't know."

"I'm keeping it that way." He's trying to come off as intimidating, but Karai knows he's one light touch from shattering. "Especially now."

"You didn't answer my question."

"No." He brings the tea back to his chest. "But I'm sure my spirit isn't all that responsive."

"You're blocking him?"

Fingers tighten around the mug. "I'm not getting into this. Not today."

"Fine." She agrees blandly. "I'm not your therapist." She stands, crossing her arms. "Maybe I should get you one. Probably going to need it if you're going to start hallucinating Shredder everywhere."

"It was one time." He mutters. "He's dead and gone. I know that."

"Hmm." She watches him take another sip, contemplating. "Mikey told me a bit. Maybe you needed a perp to punch. It's what you did for Splinter. You could be more into revenge than you want us to believe. Maybe that's just how you do grief."

"Right. I kill people. And Donnie breaks into buildings. Yay." He pauses, and then groans, hanging this head. "Oh, great, Mikey's the normal one. That makes me feel so much better."

"I'm just saying." She steps closer and sets a hand on his wrist. "Donnie's always been nosy. Maybe finding this guy is what he needs."

"What he needs is some time to clear his head."

"Leo..."

"No! The first thing he'll try to do is leave." Leo presses desperately. "It's a mutant hunter, Karai. A nameless, faceless- how do we stop that? How do I- He exists only to hunt us! We were just nuisances to Shredder, but this- this hunter- What if he's going after more turtles? Donnie'll walk straight into their hands!"

It's a low blow, but she means every word. "So you're going to stoop to Shredder's level."

"That's not- it's not-" He catches his breath, trying again. "It's how Splinter kept us safe. We stayed down here. We stayed out of sight. It's how we stayed safe."

"That was a different time, Leo. One where you didn't have enemies actively hunting you down."

"It's how we stayed safe." He insists, pleading. "I'm Sensei. I have to keep them safe."

Karai lets that simmer in the air. Then, she tilts her head, tone neutral. "Do you think Donnie's onto something with the... BioTech place?"

Leo looks away. "I don't know. He's clearly not thinking straight. I'm sure the mafia do plenty of business with plenty of people."

"It can't hurt to look into it." Karai studies him as he moves his arm, detaching from her touch. "I can list a couple people who won't sleep well until his kidnapper is taken care of."

Leo stares into the liquid. "The Mutanimals still haven't found Slash. He didn't... Well, you've seen how Raph takes bad news."

Karai can't tell if he really doesn't know who she's referring too or if he's dodging the implications. "Like owner like pet?"

He offers a smile, but the upward crease doesn't deserve to be catagorised as such with the sorrow that cloaks it. "Yeah." The smile falls as his grip tightens. "He was always so headstrong. I always thought, out of any of us, he'd be the one..."

He shakes his head, voice dropping, "I never told him. He'd hate that. More than anything."

Karai doesn't think any of them would particularly enjoy being the last of their kind, but she knows better to vocalize that. Leo's voices shakes, but he presses past it. "I just keep thinking. I keep... Maybe if he was normal... If we were human... Battle is one thing. Battle is a choice, it's- this guy took him- killed him, just because..." He chokes on the lump in his throat. "I can't fix that. I can't protect them. We could save the world a-a hundred times but we're still- we're still-"

Karai has to watch him break all over again, hunched over the tea that she made him in an attempt calm the last outburst. The kunochi knows that the turtles are a far more prominent figures in the city's eyes than her or even the Mutanimals. There's not a gang within that doesn't whisper about shelled heroes. She doubts anyone outside the Foot even knows what she is now.

It never occurred to her how much of a blessing that really was, to become human at whim.

She closes five fingered hands, bring them down to her lap.

She wishes she had been there with him when they got the news. Maybe she could have gotten more information from them, calmed the situation before Leo got lost in grief. Maybe they would already know who took him. It wouldn't bring him back, but it would keep his family safe.

It would keep their brothers safe.

She thinks Raphael would prefer action more than hiding. He wouldn't care for prayers or funerals or useless apologies. He'd want this guy gone. She can only imagine how frustrated Raphael would be to see Leo blubbering over him instead of taking care of the threat that was still out there.

Donnie might be in denial, but at least he's trying.

Karai texts Shini, considers the screen, and then puts it away. She stands up, placing a hand on Leo's shell as she passes by and then heading for her own tea. She drinks it, watching the Neon banner over the stove until he manages to collect himself.

When Leo calms, wiping at the black fabric that soaks his pain, she sets it down.

He looks over at her as she heads for the curtain. "Ka-arai? Whe-?"

"I'm going to let Donatello out." The blue fabric swishes behind her as Leo's barstool hits the ground. He stops her near the couch, sliding to block her path, arms out. His pupils have completely contracted, cloaked in watery terror. "No! Stop- I thought you understood-"

"I understand." She replies calmly. "I just don't agree."

"He'll get himself killed-"

"You really think so low of him?"

"It's not a matter of-!"

"Either you let your brother out." She lifts up a key, and Leo's hand goes to his belt. "Or I do."

Leo reaches out as she swerves to the side. When he faces her again, the key is gone. "I'm not the enemy, Leo. But I can't sit here and let you force your brother to agree with you."

"I have to-"

"It's not how the world works. You can't make someone believe something. You have to show them." She steps forward, taking his wrist and gently setting the key in his palm. "I should know, better than anyone."

He stares at it, shoulders slumped. "Tell me what to do."

"Let him go." She mutters. "And let him find the truth for himself. Oversee his work. It's the only way you're going to get through to him. And the only way you can be sure he's safe."

"I don't think that's a go-"

A light buzzing cuts him off. She picks up the phone, showing Leo the face on the screen and then holding out a finger. He stays as she places space between them. "Moshi moshi?"

"Senpai?" Shini questions idly, "You said to call you?"

"You need me right now?" She responds urgently. "What's going on?"

"Ooooh." Karai can hear the chesire grin. "The sneak-out-of-a-conversation gag. I got you. Oh nooo, Karai, I've been stabbed! Wounded! I'm seeing a light! You must come rescue me!"

It takes everything in Karai to remain straight-faced. "Okay. I'll be right there."

A sly giggle. "See you soon."

Karai hangs up, turning back to Leo. "I have to go."

He nods, and she steps forward, setting a hand on his shoulder. "Make the right choice." She offers a small smile. "Leaders are all about that, right?"

Leo doesn't look at her, staring at the key in his hand. She steps back, turning and then sprinting to the turnstiles. She hops them, leaping to her bike, and then kick-starts the vehicle. It roars with life and he watches as the light fades from the tunnel, leaving the lair in silence.

He stands, alone, until he manages to drag his feet from the floor.

Leo heads to his room, tossing the key to the dresser and then stripping the mask. He grabs a new one and some wrist wrappings, drying his face and then replacing the tear stained ones on his hand. He breathes out, staring at the blue fabric in his grip.

He closes his fingers, scrunching the fabric, and then stands. He goes for the only other black mask he has, laying next to a singed purple, a light blue staining the end of the black tails where the dye didn't seep all the way through. He works up the courage, and wraps it around his head.

He can still hear his father's warning, clear as day."It is one thing to regret bad decisions after they are made..."

"A leader must foresee how bad discussions lead to bad results." He mutters into open air. "So does that mean the leader failed? Or the Sensei?"

He gets no answer. The drawer slams shut.

Leo grabs the key and heads to the bathroom, making sure that any proof of pain is gone. He takes a minute, to breathe and think and wonder if he's making the right choice, and then he heads for Donnie's room. His younger brother is sitting on the floor, a scowl deep in his features as he sulks. Only one arm has a chain around it, and he'd managed to move himself off the bed and down to the ground, where he probably discovered that Leo had rid his dresser of all tools.

He shouldn't have been able to lift his arm far from the mattress. The fact that he's on the floor likely meant that he forced his wrist into some very uncomfortable positions. Leo's distinctly unsurprised, considering they are all apt ninjas. It would explain why his wrist looks red.

The term if looks could kill comes to mind as Leo turns on the light and is greeted with a full taste of his brother's fury.

"Hey, Dee."

The genius has never been one for small talk. "You. TIED ME. To MY BED?!"

Donnie's shriek cuts through his brain in the worst way possible. His limbs are weights as he leans against the door frame, trying to appear more confident than he feels. He's so tired. He wants to take a nap, instead of dealing with a fit. Donnie wouldn't even be in pain right now if he'd just remained put. It's not like he would have left him there indefinitely.

Weren't they supposed to be the rational pair?

"You kicked Mikey into the algae pools." Leo states. He's amazed at the ease in his tone. He kind of wants to scream, knowing Donnie would attack them for trying to keep him safe. "You're not exactly thinking straight right now. It's for everyone's safety."

"Is that what you're telling yourself?" He snarls. "How is that helping Raph? Huh?! He's out there getting cut to pieces and you're chaining his only hope of being found!"

Leo stares at the picture frames next to his bed, waiting for the water that stings his eyes to dry.

His frame is gone. So is Mikey's.

Raph's faces the bed, shoving against Donnie, laughing as his ship blows up on the screen. Donnie is holding onto the joystick, yelling at him, face flushed in frustration.

"I want." He swallows the lump, refusing to look down. Control his tone. Control the pain. "To let you out. I do. But you- need. Need. To work with me."

"I'm not going to stop looking! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm turning off ALL hot water to the lair, I SWEAR on all things science, and I mean it this time, HOLY CHALUPA, CAN YOU BE any more SELFISH-?!"

Leo kicks over a pile of books at his feet and a tool box clatters to the ground, spilling its remnants and thankfully shutting his younger brother's big mouth. He knows it's only because he's gearing up to scold him for that action, but Leo beats him to it. It's easier to speak now that he wants to punch Donnie instead of hiding in a corner.

Both would be counterproductive, so he sticks with honing his big brother voice.

"I'm not going to ask you to stop." Donnie watches, eyes narrowed in disbelief. "I will unlock the chain, and you can do whatever you want. Work in your lab. Continue the search. Keep yelling about how selfish and egotistical I am."

That part hurts, an agony drilling down to his core, but he doesn't dare let it show.

"I am Sensei-"

"You are NOT my-"

"-and AS SUCH," He raises his voice, talking over the disrespect. "I am laying down the law. You can do whatever you want whenever you want-" He pauses, making sure Donnie is actually listening. "As long. As it's within the lair."

He rolls his eyes. "You can't keep me here."

"No." Leo agrees. "You will."

Donnie's carapace thumps the bed. "Holy..."

"I will let you out to do as you please on the condition that you promise me to stay home."

"Fine." He throws up an arm. "I promise to stay home."

Leo knows better than that. "Define home to me."

Donnie stares. Leo pushes himself off the door frame, crouching down to his level. "Home, is not New York. Home, is not the earth. Define home, Donatello."

"I promise to stay in the lair." He sneers. Leo frowns.

"I want you to swear on Splinter's grave."

He shoots up, horrified. Leo knows it's because he had no intention of keeping that promise.

"What?!"

"If you mean it, you should have no problem swearing on father's grave." He folds his hands, aware of how intently their father pushed loyalty and honor on all of them. Out of any of his brothers, Leo knows Donnie took it as much to heart as he does. "I want you to mean what you say, or you can stay here until you do."

He's silent, face stricken with the weight of Leo's challenge, and his leader gives him the time that he needs to realize that he has no options.

"I'm not going to promise to stay here forever." Donnie pleads, fists tight in his lap.

Leo's heart twinges, relaxing his posture so he can sit on the floor. "Not forever. I would never make you promise that."

"Right." Donnie grumbles bitterly. "Because you'd never chain me to a bed either."

Leo expertly ignores his snide comment. "I want," He pauses, considering. "I want to know I can trust you to tell me when you leave. Not over a note or text message. When I'm conscious. So what happened to Raph won't happen to anyone else."

Donnie's stares at his lap. Leo rolls the key between his fingers.

"I swear..." Leo perks, hopeful. Donnie breathes out, painfully. "On- father's grave, that I will never, leave the lair without telling you to your conscious face."

"Okay." Leo almost deflates in relief. He drags himself to his feet, heading over to the bed and kneeling down to unlock his cuff. Donnie refuses to look at him, rubbing the red over his wrist.

Leo stands once more, giving his brother some space.

"Do you want me to get you some..."

He turns, ready to retrieve it anyway, when he spots the picture frames across the room. His voice trails with uncertainty, glass sparkling across the ground. They'd shattered, transparent and wooden chips scattered across the shelving and floor. Leo looks at the dresser, where two pictures are missing, and then to the brother that won't meet his eyes.

"I can do it myself."

"Um," He looks to the book shelf, pretending the shard buried in his chest isn't as deep as it is. "Maybe you should... Or I... The glass..."

Donnie looks over at the shelving, emotion locked down. His tone is bland, as if his little brother doesn't feel him worth his anger anymore. "I think it's fine where it is. Very apropos."

"Donnie," He tries as he heads for the door. "I think we should talk."

"You said I could do what I wanted." Donnie states dispassionately. "And the last thing I want is to talk to you." He doesn't look back. "I'll be in my lab."

So Leo watches him go, desperate to have him back. He flinches when the lab door slams, loud enough to reach him, and he refuses to let the tears fall. He goes from Donnie's room, leaving both messes to be cleaned up when he has the strength. The shard refuses to budge without bleeding him out, so he drags himself to the last brother that he truly has left.

Mikey's on his side, sheets locked between tense fingers, a baby alien sleeping on the pile that has come from it. He's dressed in mourning attire, black mask around closed eyes.

The light is on, revealing posters and comics and a drum set that was mainly used to frustrate the leader when he was trying to meditate after a stressful day. There's a TV on the floor that wasn't there before. He turns off the light and goes to the prone form, placing himself between his brother on the wall.

He coils an arm around him, feeling the even breaths of a living brother. Mikey's face stays hidden in the teddy under his arm. "Donnie?"

"In his lab." He mumbles remorsefully. "Did I wake you?"

"No." Mikey sniffles and Leo's heart twists. "Was watching shows with Chompy. He likes Crognard. Dinosaurs and..." His voice breaks. "Raph hated him. He hated him so much."

"He hated a lot of stuff." Leo whispers a secret between brothers; a truth that anyone could see. "It always made it easy to tell what he loved."

Mikey's arm shifts, "He loved Chompy."

"He loved fighting."

"Mona."

"Winning."

"Comics."

"Drawing."

"Scary movies."

"Making us watch scary movies."

Mikey giggles, soft and weak. Leo squeezes, leaning his forehead against the back of his head.

"He loved you."

"Me." Mikey agrees softly. "You."

"Donnie."

"Spike."

"Slash."

"Karai."

"Karai?"

Mikey elbows him lightly.

"If you say so." Leo teases, blinking away the moisture that clouds the darkness. "Casey. And April."

"Splinter."

Leo tenses, throat closing. Chompy chirps amid the dark.

"It's okay." Mikey coos. "He's with him now."

Leo doesn't know who he's directing it at. He doesn't dare ask.

"Does... Donnie hate us?"

"No." Leo assures, bringing wet eyes shut. "He's just scared. He's scared that he might find out we're right. He's scared... It's his fault. When we are."

Mikey curls his knees up, small in Leo's grip. "I don't hate him."

"We just need to remind him of that." Leo admits, exhaustion creeping in. "He needs us to be there for him. And... If he can find this guy..."

Mikey exhales. "We'll take care of it. Like Shredder."

"Like Shredder." Leo can feel that resolve keeping the void at bay, blocking the darkness inside from swallowing him whole. He opens his eyes, safer in the black around him. "He took one of our own. So we're going to take back."

Peace between them, and then Leo Leo tentatively asks, "You still mad at me?"

"I don't like being mad."

"It's okay if you are." Leo says, even though it's not. "I understand."

Mikey's quiet, and for the first time in years, Leo wishes that he knew what was thinking.

"I'm glad you changed your mind."

"Thank Karai for that."

"I will." Mikey's voice is more fragile than Leo can stand. "I miss him."

"I know." Leo murmurs. "I'm sure he misses you too."

"I want... I want to tell- him." His baby brother's voice wavers. "I love you. I love you, Leo."

"Love you too, Mikey." His Sensei promises with every fiber of his being, even as his heart remains in pieces that don't remember how to come together. "Always."