Carino,

    I can't find myself a place of my own. I feel I don't belong anywhere. I used to think I belonged with you, but now I'm not sure I would ever be able to return to how things had been.

    If we were to meet today, would you even take notice of me?

    I've lost some weight, my hair is longer, and I'm way more spiteful than you can remember. I hate the way I look because it's just a pretty shell with nothing substantial inside.

    I attract the attention of men but for the wrong reasons. None of them wants me. It's fuck, or get fucked. I prefer to mess with them before they can mess with me. And truthfully speaking, I've been successful so far. No one got to me. They're all so bland and dense, I sometimes find myself wondering how the hell those two last brain cells of theirs can carry out vital elemental functions.

    No, my friend, I'm not sour. This is me stating facts.

    Those men don't want me. They want that shell to complete the picture of their lousy, steady jobs and lack of interest. They don't see me, just the person who I show on the outside.

    I must say I did a decent job with that persona. She's bubbly and sweet, free-spirited and knows how to have fun.

    But want to know a secret?

    She's only that talkative when my mind goes blank, and all I want to do is to dig myself a hole and crawl inside to disappear. She drinks as if there was no tomorrow and climbs the rooftops when I feel so numb I can't remember how was to feel joy or at least pain.

    I feed off how I make them feel for those rare couple of hours. This helps me remind myself how it used to be, how it felt to be a living being.

    I've become the ultimate master of first dates, though that's it. I hate how they look at me after that; their puppy eyes are nauseating to me. All because no matter how hard I look, I can't find anyone who could even come close to you.

    Were you really the only one for me? There are over 7 billion people in the world, yet you're still one of your kind. It's getting annoying.

    At first, you also didn't want to get to know me. You were like them, but that had changed. What happened? None of the men I've encountered so far has changed. How come you had?

    You know what?

    It was all a lie. You tricked me into thinking there are actually people like you. You made me believe the world is nice and friendly and that there are people who apologise and care for others.

    What a load of crap.

    People are cruel. Men are nasty.

    Do you know what I see whenever I look in the mirror?

    The byproduct of their viciousness.

    On better days, I imagine that the teen me would be proud of who I've become. I'm strong, clever and take no bullshit from anyone.

    But mostly, I feel how I am perceived. I'm the scrawny airhead who people take pity at. I'm just an accessory to a piece of a polyester suit, someone you can fuck over and discard when not needed anymore.

    That's why I rarely leave my house because those days come daily, and I'm exhausted.

    I need a drink, my friend. I'll think of you before someone calls the fire department. I'll drink to your health. Or happiness.

    I hope it was all worth it.

    Yours truly, B