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if ollie knew what ran through elijah's mind when they were together he'd hate him.of course, hate is a strong word. the most that would probably happen would be a lengthy talk about "not caring about elijah's orientation" and "he accepts him either way" and that "nothing would change between them". obviously, that's an innocent lie: after that, there would be awkwardness, one party silently shaming themselves for tainting the sweet friendship they had, the other being stuck on how to act around them.

still, keeping his feelings in was a much better alternative in elijah's opinion. of course, absolutely adoring every step and breath ollie took on this earth silently wasn't great. it's not like the blond didn't like him; in fact, they were great friends. the only downside was that eli was stuck on pretending that every compliment and touch directed at him by his blondie wasn't meant in a completely platonic nature. elijah was constantly playing pretend, a little world built in his mind where he could publicly and proudly call ollie his and only his.

reality hurt him. how every time he opened his eyes from his dream world the bitter realization hit him: he was still just elijah, the quiet self-isolating outcast. and ollie was still the popular pretty guy, with a bunch of friends and half of the school willing to date him at the bat of an eye. people who could actually offer him what he deserved.

because, honestly, what could elijah offer him? the cruel rumors and back talking from the peers the moment they were made aware of their relationship? no. ollie didn't deserve that, with his kind heart and smile, and those eyes...

eli was hypnotized, entranced by those blue eyes. for countless times he'd spent hours on an abstract painting only to realize that all the colors and shapes made up those bright lazuli eyes, staring through him as if they could read his thoughts. as if they knew how he came undone every time they focused on him.

"elijah!"the loudly pronounced name snapped Eli out of his inner monologue, making him flinch and inhale sharply in the process. his eyes focused back on what was in front of him: a field, painted orange-gold by the sunset. a fence, where a bicycle was leaning onto. a tall blonde boy, smiling at him with an eyebrow raised. that smile...

"dude, you zone out so much! honestly, sometimes i really wonder what's going through your mind," he said as he shook his head. swallowing thickly, eli shoved his sweaty hands deep in his pockets. he managed to croak out a meek "sorry" between dry lips, eliciting a laugh from the blondie."stop apologizing so much! honestly, it's no big deal! though if you keep zoning out when i ask you to bike us back home it'll get dark and then it'll be a big deal for my mom."

"right." eli nodded, trying as hard as he could to sound confident, to sound like he wasn't being so affected by the blue-eyed boy merely smiling at him. they stood there for a few moments before elijah realized ollie was waiting for him to get on the bike, and it took all of his willpower to look away from his eyes and walk towards it, straightening it up and slinging one leg over it to take a seat. ollie followed right after, sitting on the backseat designed for boxes or bags and such. it was no big deal for him, though, as he'd wrap his arms around elijah's waist and hold on tight so he wouldn't fall.

they'd done that quite a few times before, yet it still managed to leave the boy breathless and a bit lightheaded; ollie was so close he could feel his breath near his ear, his scent wrapping around him like a hug. trying to get a hold of himself, eli started pedaling down the dirt road, his clammy hands tightly gripping the handlebar.

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they stayed like that for a while, in comfortable silence, eli glancing at the dust being lifted a few inches from the dirt road caused by their movement from time to time. maybe he was just trying to focus on something that wasn't the feeling of ollie's arms tightly wrapped around him. luckily they weren't wrapped around his torso, or else he'd be able to feel elijah's heart beating harshly against his ribcage as if it wanted to jump out, to escape.

"... eli?" ollie whispered after a few more minutes of silence."hmm?" the crow boy answered, not trusting himself enough to say something out loud, as his shaky voice could betray him."you know brea, right?"

the mere mention of the girl's name made elijah inhale deeply. brea was a beautiful girl from their grade, dark brown hair cascading around her shoulders and dark expressive eyes. like ollie, she was fairly popular, and they'd been hanging out quite a lot lately, to the point where eli's and ollie's hangout at the field had been the first one in weeks. and while yeah, they're not damned conjoined twins, they don't have to be attached to each other's hips 24/7, it still... hurt. like he was being betrayed. or maybe he was just fearful of what could possibly come out of those hours the two spent together.

"... what about her?" he finally said, glad that he managed to keep his voice reasonably firm."well uh... hah- how do i say this, umm... promise you won't tell anyone... ?""promise." eli nodded, and he was being truthful. he'd never betray ollie."... thanks eli." the boy could hear the smile in the blondie's face as he said that. "so... me and brea have been hanging out a lot lately. and i... uhm..."

the crow boy's breathing sped up significantly, though ollie probably brushed it off as him being breathless from pedaling around. elijah knew where this was going, his stomach sinking.suddenly, ollie's chin was on his shoulder, and his warm breath on eli's hear."i think i like brea." he whispered, softly and carefully, as if he was trying to not scare elijah with the truth that weighed on those words.

silence.

against the sunset's light, the shiny tear running down eli's face looked like liquid gold. he tried to blink it away before it escaped his eyes, he really did."... elijah- eli are you... crying?-"it felt like his heart was being crushed by a giant invisible hand, his stomach churning. he felt sick, lost.it didn't matter how prepared and expecting he was of those 5 words. it hurt, it hurt, it hurt.the bike slowed down to a halt, and ollie hopped off."hey... dude-""it's the dust." elijah said, voice shaking. god he felt pathetic. "the dust got in my eyes...""i don't believe you, it wasn't even high enough to get near your eyes. what's up? tell me."

how do you even begin to explain what's wrong in a situation like that? 'oh yeah i actually have had a crush on you for the longest time and am currently broken-hearted because you're straight and like a girl.'they sat there in silence, eli sniffing as the tears came on harder. an angel crying gold."... it's your foster parents, isn't it?" ollie said after a while.

he was aware of elijah's rough situation with his foster parents, often comforting him and doing his best to help. elijah wanted to SCREAM that no, it wasn't his damned abusive foster parents, but... he found himself giving ollie the smallest of nods. because what else could he do, honestly? playing pretend, playing pretend. elijah was constantly playing pretend.

"gosh- i'm sorry, here i am with my stupid teenager love stuff while you're clearly struggling. sorry... here, let me just-"

he wrapped his arms around eli into a tight comforting hug, and the raven-haired boy's vision was blurred with more tears, being unknowingly comforted for something that's not even what you're upset about is even worse than not being comforted at all. especially when you just can't tell the person the real reason you are upset.still, he hugged him back, squeezing tight as he sobbed into his shoulder.

you're a lucky girl, brea.you really are.

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not me giving my characters trauma and romantic disappointments because i have those too lmao