Kabanata 40

The first time I saw Adren. He was like an angel opening the gates of heaven. Hanggang ngayon ay tila nakapinta ang mukha niya sa bawat sulok ng aking isip. He was there. He was always there.

Adren slowly walked in and he closed the door by locking the doorknob. Unti-unti siyang lumapit saakin. It's been a year but his fragrance is still the same as it hits my nostrils.

"Ang tagal mo naman..." I playfully teased him.

He gave a smile. A genuine one.

The genuine smile almost made my eyes well up, the sides of my eyes are turning to crimson as it softens. You've grown so much. So much that sometimes it scares me that you are already a person of your own. Hindi mo na ako kailangan sa buhay mo, Adren.

And that's fine. Really. We don't live for other people. We live for our own. The person who taught me that was also you. Kaya sino ako para hilingin na sana ay para saakin lahat ng improvements mo?

"Sorry, the meeting was too long." His eyes travelled to my face. "I miss you, Arrisea."

"I miss you too." I gave him the smile I've always showed him.

He untied his tie as his adam's apple moved. Mukhang hindi lang ako ang kabado sa aming dalawa.

I decided to sat down in the floor, the way I used to before when we were in senior high. Tinabihan niya ako sa pag-upo sa sahig. The silence was slowly consuming us. Paano nga ba ito sisimulan?

I took a deep breath and stared at those onyx eyes that seems to have an endless trail of darkness. He was looking at me too with the intense gaze as before.

"I called you today because I've realized that we took things a little too fast. Forgiveness was easy because we love each other. But...we should have..." I have stopped in the middle of the sentence.

Where do I start?

How can we move on from this phase?

When it still hurts so much?

"Arri..." he spoke my name like how soft the cotton balls touch your skin. It gives me that feeling. The gentle kind of touch even if he was only speaking my name.

"You don't have to..." he caressed my hair, slowly touching every strand of it.

"What?" my voice croaked. The feeling was too overwhelming. Pakiramdam ko ay namamala ang aking lalamunan.

"Force yourself to forgive people. You don't have to do that." A sad smile formed in the outline of his mouth.

"That's my way of moving on..."

In order to move on, you must forgive. It is a way to easily forget something. When it no longer matters to you, when it no longer hurts you, and when it no longer makes you move forward painstakingly slow.

"Moving on isn't about forgiving. Yes, it could help the process. But moving on means you have been completely healed." He buried his face in the side of my neck. "If it still bothers you that much, Arri. Give yourself some kindness to hold the pain for a while. If it still matters to you, it will be painful but it will make you value what you have right now."

I embrace his warmth. No longer feeling empty and cold. Sa lugar kung saan ko nakita ang totoong siya, doon din pala kami magtatagpo. Sa gitna ng sakit at pag-ibig, nahanap ko si Adren. If I have to go all through that again just to experience his love — I'll go for it.

I'll gamble everything I have just for him. Para sa pag-ibig niya. Para sa aming dalawa.

Tumingin ako sa kanya. I cupped his face as I grasp for my air, my eyes are misty as I look at the man I love.

"I'm sorry if it took too long too..." I wanted my peace when all along it was him. Despite the disasters, it was him that made everything worthwhile.

I had to recover from the trauma. I had to move away from where Tatiana is. Sa tuwing may nakikita akong hagdan, my mind constantly reminds me of how neglectful I was.

A part of me will always blame myself for all the bad things that happened to me. Pero alam ko naman na hindi ko ito kontrolado. It was beyond my reach.

"Naked truth, Adren?" umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. His eyes had waves of emotions in it.

"I accepted every bad thing that happened to me, kasi pakiramdam ko deserve ko 'yon. People kept on calling me a bad example. And maybe, I am? And maybe I really did deserve this because I wasn't good enough for them..."

Anak nga naman ako sa labas. I am shameful. I am not good. At kung ililista ko lahat ng kasalanan ko, baka kulang pa ang back-to-back na papel.

But I've realized, did that mean I deserve all of this?

"Tatiana's mother got arrested for harrassing my family," lumunok ako para pigilan ang pag-iyak. "Anong karapatan niyang gawin 'yon? When I never sued her for abusing me? Kasi akala ko noon, I was the sin. Kaya hinayaan ko siya, Adren."

He kissed my palms as tears started forming into his eyes. He was also holding my hands that were cupping his face. His sincere eyes no longer hold any grudges in this world.

"Adren, I'm sorry if I cannot be perfect. That you had to go through a lot because of me..." bulong ko.

Agad siyang umiling, tears falling from his onyx eyes.

"No, Arrisea. You were the one who had to go through a lot..." he kissed me with the last remaining strength that he had.

"I live knowing that no one in this world can love me..." his kisses trailed up to my neck. "The world is a cruel place to live in but with you, it seems like a paradise for me."

"I love you. Still, and will forever love you in my every day life." I hugged him as I let the tears come out from my eyes.

"Everyday is not even enough for me. Is this life time even enough to spend for loving you?" he chuckled as his hands slowly enfolds my waist.

"Well..." a grin appeared on my face.

Forgiveness is for those who deserves it. It is not your way to cope. But for now, forgiveness will be my way to have a taste for a life I always wanted.

"Masyado naman nilang ginandahan 'tong renovation." I exclaimed while letting my eyes roamed around the area. It was indeed being beautified.

"I heard it will be a cafe soon," Adren looked upon the glass fences. "Looks like more senior highschool students will make memories from this place."

"Di ka nagtatampo? This place used to be yours." I chimed in.

He was shaking his head while a smile was forming into his lips.

"This place was ours, Arri. I want to share this place with others knowing this is the place where I fell for you. A place where people would witness how someone can love another person despite of how dark they were."

My heart melted because of what he said. Pakiramdam ko ay ang taas ng tingin niya saakin. With that, I'm grateful for the times I have with him.

"Then shall we?"

"Hm?" lumingon siya saakin.

Tinuro ko ang isang bakanteng espasyo kung saan hindi pa napipinturahan. Isang sulok kung saan hindi pa binabago. Isang alaala na nandito kami noon.

Naghanap ako ng pangukit. At unti-unting inukit ang semento ang aking pangalan.

Arrisea was here.

I gave him the one I used to engraved my marking. He smiled as he slowly wrote his.

Adren was here too.

Binalik niya saakin ang ginamit naming stick. Pero nagulat ako nang unti-unti niya itong nilapit muli sa semento para may ukitin muli. I followed his lead as we engraved something together.

And together, they conquered the darkness.

Together. We went through some darkness but along in the dark, we found each other.

My lips touched his as I'm praying in my head that things with him will slow down now. Marami na kaming nasayang na oras. Tama na siguro 'yon para mahanap namin ang hinahanap naming pag-ibig sa isa't isa.

He returned my kiss, with fondness and love. He was guiding my back as our kiss gets deeper.

We were young back then, not knowing how painful love can be. We were surrounded with ideas about love that we forgot about it's true meaning.

"You know how people translate Romans 5:8?" I ask, after breaking off our kiss.

"Hmm?" Adren was still daze from the kiss. I let out a small giggle.

"They say, it's suppose to say..." I whispered to him, lovingly. "I loved you at your darkest."

Sa mundo kung saan napupuno ng panghuhusga; kailangan mo lang ng tao na makakaunawa.

We are not all the same.

But it doesn't make us any different from each other. We are all flawed.

And despite Adren's flaws...

I love him.

I cupped his face as I let my tears flow down my cheeks. Pareho kaming nakangiti sa isa't-isa. He's crying too.

I love you, Adren...

And I'll still love you, every day despite the darkness that will come. That's how much you mean to me. You were not only a part of my senior highschool. You were my senior highschool, I'm glad I met you during the days I was in my darkness too.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪☽༓☾❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜