George: Does anyone know what the Internet is good for other than looking up complicated words and stalking celebrities?

Ringo: Um . . . no.

John: That's exactly what it's for, all right.

Paul: No, you guys are wrong. It's also good for taking stupid quizzes to burn time.

George: Has anyone here been to allthetests.com? If you haven't, you need to go there because you'll never be bored again.

Audience: Yes!

Paul: Well, that's where we got this quiz. It's called the Random Facts Quiz and the answers are true or false.

John: This ought to be good.

Ringo: Let's start.

George: Okay. First question, "All toilets flush in the key of E flat."

Paul: That's false!

John: Yeah! I've been to a lot of toilets and there's no way they flush in the same key.

Ringo: *thinking.* Hmm. Yeah. I've flushed a toilet and I swear it was in G major.

Paul: "Banging your head on a wall burns 150 calories every hour."

George: What?!?

John: Whoever tried to prove that must have wound up with a killer headache.

Ringo: *thinking.* Ehhhhhhhhhhh . . . that might be true.

George: It's a good way to burn calories without getting on a treadmill. I'll say that's true.

John: Yep. Next. "Every elephant weighs between 2,000 and 4,000 kg."

Paul: *raises hand.* I have a quick question.

John: *irritated.* What?

Paul: How much is a kilogram?

George: About two pounds.

Ringo: That means the elephant would be four thousand to eight thousand pounds.

Paul: I'll say true.

George and Ringo: Yep.

Ringo: "In the U.K. it is illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas Day."

John: Bollocks!

George: That's just a legend.

Paul: Yep yep.

George: "The primary ingredient in gravy is corn starch."

Ringo: Wait. There's corn starch in gravy?!?

John: What?!? Isn't that the stuff they put on babies with diaper rash?

Paul: No! That's true.

John: Corn starch on babies with a rash?

Paul: No! I meant the question.

Ringo: Is it? I've never made gravy. Barbara does all the cooking.

John: I only bake bread. Yoko does the rest.

Paul: Well, I do most of the cooking at my house and corn starch is a major factor of gravy.

John: So when I eat gravy, I'm eating baby rash powder?

Paul: Ye— No!

Ringo: *starts cackling.* He almost said yes!

George: *cracks a crooked grin.*

John: Oh, this is a good one: "The average woman uses her height in lipstick every five years."

Paul: That's a lot of lipstick!

George: Wow.

Ringo: I guess it depends how tall she is.

George: Liv doesn't use that much lipstick . . . so I'm going to say false.

Paul: You're just going off one woman! Think about all of them!

George: *shudders.* I don't want to.

Ringo: I agree with George: false.

Paul: It does sound pretty far-fetched, doesn't it? I'll go with false.

Ringo: "Pteronophobia is the fear of magpies."

John: Who would be afraid of magpies?!?

Paul: I don't know. They've got some shrill chirping.

George: How could that be the fear of magpies? That's the fear of feathers!

John: *turns to look at him slowly, eyes narrowed.* How do you know that?

George: *nervous.* I— I . . . don't know.

Paul: What— are you afraid of feathers, Georgie?

George: What? No!

John: Then how'd you know?

George: I have an advanced vocabulary.

Ringo: *snorts.*

George: Whose side are you on, Richard?

Ringo: I'm neutral.

George: *crosses his arms.* Now you sound like Paul.

John: *laughs evilly.* Next time you come over to my place, we're watching The Birds movie.

George: *shrieks.* Oh, Krishna, no!

Paul: You are afraid of them!

George: No, I'm not!

John: Just admit it!

George: No!

Ringo: Okay, okay. Break it up. True or false?

Paul: Well, George said it was false and he has it, so we'll listen to him.

George: I don't have pteronophobia!

John: *rolls his eyes.* Sure you don't.

George: Moving on! "If you lift a kangaroo's tail off the ground it can't hop."

Paul: False!

Ringo: I don't know. I've seen them hop off their tail.

John: But think about their legs! Those things look powerful! They could probably hop just fine without their tail on the ground.

Ringo: I suppose you're right. False.

John: "Bananas curve because of a natural vitamin in their skins."

George: That sounds scientific enough.

Paul: *thinking.* Hmmm.

Ringo: Why would their skin have anything to do with it? Wouldn't it be something else?

George: Like what, Richard?

Ringo: *shrugs.* I don't know. Maybe the tree?

Paul: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

George: That sounds stupid . . . and false.

Ringo: Okay, I'll say true.

Paul: Same. Okay. Last one and then we can get the results. "Yogurt can be made out of fruit and milk alone."

John: Don't you need eggs?

George: I never thought about that. ARE there eggs in yogurt?

Ringo: I'll Google it.

Paul, John, and George: No!

Ringo: *freezes.* Why not?

Paul: That would be cheating!

George: *snatches his phone from him.* No Googling, Richard.

John: Yeah! We're playing this fair and square!

Ringo: Says the man who never plays anything fair!

John: *gasps dramatically.* I can't believe you said that to me. I am so hurt.

Ringo: *rolls his eyes.*

George: I'll say it's false.

John: False.

Paul: Ringo?

Ringo: *arms crossed and sulking.*

Paul: What's your vote, Ringo?

Ringo: *silent.*

John: *yells.* SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!

Ringo: *mumbles.* False.

George: Here's our certificate. Let's just say we didn't do too good.

Paul: *winces.* Ouch.

John: Wow. That is bad.

Ringo: We shouldn't feel too bad. 2,387 other people got around the same score.

George: Great. Now we're ranked with all the other morons.

Paul: Hey, be nice!

George: It's not an insult if we're morons ourselves!

John: Speak for yourself, Harrison! You're the only moron around here!

George: *feigns surprise.* Oh, really? I see one right in front of me.

John: You take that back!

George: No.

John: Take it back!

George: No.

John: TAKE IT BACK, YOU SOD!

George: No!

John: *dives across the table.*

*hurriedly switches to a commercial break.*