"First day without you and I already miss you so much."

I whispered while I was sitting on the farthest corner of the place where my father is buried. Hindi ko pa siya nasisilip dahil hindi ko kayang makita siya na nakahiga na roon. I still want him back. Kung puwede na lang na ako ang mamatay, I would gladly sacrifice my life.

He doesn't deserve this, no. Siguro kung hindi lang ako nakipag-kita no'n, baka buhay pa siya ngayon sa pamilya niya. Tangina, kasalanan ko lahat nang ito!

It was the first day of my father's wake and a lot of people were here for the first night. I pitied everyone who was crying, because I could see myself in their shoes. Ilang araw na akong umiiyak dahil sa nangyari.

Ang dami kong pinagdadaanan ngayon. I decided to close BA for now because I'm not going to be able to manage it. All the partnerships and other contracts I was going to sign are now on hold. Maraming maaaring mawala pa sa akin pero namatay na sarili kong ama, what's more that I can't bear?

Him.

Kaito... Fuck I miss him.

Tumulo na agad ang luha ko kaya agad akong tumayo para lumabas. I don't want the eldest daughter of Mikael Keller crying. I should be strong. But just the thought of him made me cry. He was my would've, could've, and should have. Sobrang dami pa naming mga plano! Ni isa walang nangyari.

I reached up to the sky, hoping my father would hold it and bring me up there too. Bakit ba binagsak sa aking ng mundo lahat ng problema?

Tangina sana kayanin ko ang lahat.

"Ate Rienne? Tawag po ikaw ni Mommy. They're going to play the farewell video our Dad left us."

I bit my lip before standing up. I was again outside because there were so many people inside. Huling gabi na ni Daddy dito and I won't be able to bear the pain of watching the video they were talking about pero kailangan e.

When my sister and I walked in the aisle, I could feel all the people's eyes at us. I feel so ashamed for some reason.

When the video started playing and my Dad was vaguely explaining why he was expecting death sooner, all of the people were sobbing. I was holding back my tears but failed when I heard him mention my name.

"Anathasia Fleurienne—anak ko. Alam kong marami akong pagkukulang sa 'yo bilang Ama mo at humihingi na agad ako ng paumanhin.... Mahal ko." Nakita kong pinipigilan niya na rin umiyak sa video and my heart ached so much seeing him like this. "I know you're watching this with a heavy heart, but don't forget that I'm still going to protect you, love. You may not feel my embrace, but I would make you feel the presence of my soul in times you need me. Susuportahan pa rin kita sa lahat, 'nak. Alam kong kaya mo 'to! Keep the business going for me, hmm? I love you so much, Rienne."

When the video ended, agad akong niyakap ni Tita, dahilan kung bakit ako humagulgol.

Today is the day I have been dreading for weeks. It's the day where I will finally let go of my father. I don't know how I'm going to get through this day, but here goes nothing. As I stand here looking down at his casket I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. It was hard to believe that he's really gone.

My father was always such a strong and vibrant presence in my life even though we didn't spend much time together. Kailangan kong maging matatag dahil alam kong ayaw niya akong makitang ganito. Huminga ako ng malalim at ipinaalala sa sarili ko na ayaw niyang lamunin ako ng kalungkutan.

A lot of my father's business partners and his wife gave their eulogy and I can't even feel anything else right now but pain and guilt. Of course, everything is painful... I only felt my father's presence for a short amount of time and all the time left was taken away from me.

I feel so much guilt because my Mom is currently at trial right now for being one of the offenders of the law. For being the one who killed my father.

"May we call on the eldest daughter of Mr. Mikael Keller," I was called up to the front and I mustered up all my strength and courage to face a lot of people who made an effort being present from the very first day of my father's wake up until the day we are going to bury him.

I buttoned my blazer before walking towards the mic. "Hi... I'm sure that not everyone knows me but I am Fleurienne Keller... The eldest of my father... A daughter of a shitty... Divorce," I said with a short laugh and I saw a few of the people stifle a small smile. "I never really spent much time with my father so I don't really know what I should say about him. But here goes nothing," I took a deep breath.

"Today, as we gather to say goodbye to a husband, a friend, a business partner, a mentor, and a beloved father of three..." Nararamdaman ko ang dib-dib kong sumisikip pero kailangan ko 'tong gawin para sa Tatay ko. "My father was a man of many things, an individual who touched and inspired a lot of hearts and souls of all those who knew him. His passing is a great loss..." Bumagsak na ang mga luha ko and I bit my lip to stop the tears so it took me a minute to continue.

"As we mourn over the loss of my father, we cannot help but to reflect on the memories we have shared with him, especially me. I would forever keep the memories I had with him in the back of my mind. His love will forever remain in our heart, we will miss his presence, guidance, and unwavering support."

"He was a remarkable man with accomplishments and success. He was a provider of comfort, and love. He always put others before himself, and his selflessness as a testament of his character. It is with great sadness that we bid our last goodbyes to my father, but we take comfort in knowing he is at peace. He has left behind a legacy that will continue to inspire us all. His memory... Will live on in the hearts of those who loved him."

Agad ako bumalik sa upuan ko at umiyak, trying to see if I could numb out the pain when I just cry. But I already learned that crying won't do anything.

Noong nailibing na ang kabaong ni Dad, I was the only one left behind. I watched them fix the grave of my father. After spending another hour, I left to go buy a few drinks.

I thought I would be just having a few drinks but I ended up drunk and wasted.

"Sobrang sakit!" I slammed my head on the table repeatedly, hoping someone would stop me from doing that. Hoping that someone was Kaito Ren.

Bakit niya ba kasi kailangan umalis?

Sa sobrag pagka-lasing ko, hindi ko namalayang nandito na pala ako sa tapat ng archery range. Bago pa ako makapasok, natumba pa ako. I stayed like that for a few minutes kaya tinawagan ko si Claire.

"Claireeeeeeeee! I miss Kaito. Can you call him? Everything hurts and he's going to be the one to take the pain away. Hello? Why aren't you answering?" I started crying before standing up. Pinatay ko ang tawag bago pumasok sa loob.

Halos matumba ako ulit and my vision was already getting blurry. "Ma'am, I think you should go home. Lasing ka po," a staff told me pero hinawi ko lang siya bago ko kunin 'yong bow sa shelve. Before I could even shoot the arrow, nahiwa ako no'ng matulis na parte ng pana.

"Shit!" I said before letting go of the bow. Tumakbo ako papunta sa bahay ni Claire at ginamot ko ang sugat ko, after that, nag-black out na 'ko.

I woke up with a severe headache and when I was about to take a shower, my phone rang and I saw that it was from my Father's attorney. I cleared my throat before answering it. "Hello, attorney?"

[Good morning, Miss Fleurienne. I just called to let you know that your Mother has been convicted.] I felt relieved. She deserved that. I hope she takes this as a lesson. [Oh and her attorney told me that she left a letter for you to read before she got convicted. I'll mail it to you tomorrow.]

"Okay, thank you." I answered and ended the call before throwing my phone to my bed. I don't plan on reading that letter ever.

While I was taking a bath, everything hit me.

I was back to being the old me. A girl without a family. My Dad's dead, Mom is at the prison, and Kaito is nowhere to be seen.

I just wish that... Everything goes well.

Sana kaya ko pa tumayo sa dalawa kong paa para magpatuloy sa buhay kasi napaka-rami ko pang pangarap.