"you okay?"

Jax asked,

and all I could do

was nod

because he was talking to me

he was talking to me

and nobody

had asked me if I was okay

in a long,

long

time.

He kinda gave me

a half smile

and said,

"you sure?"

and I had to bite my lip

and look away

after I said yes,

because it was a lie

that I was tired of saying

over

and

over.

The only person

that knew I wasn't okay

was in a coma

and I wasn't even sure

if she could hear me

when I talked to her

about everything that

was going wrong..

I just want my sister back

I just want to go back in time

to when we first moved.

I wouldn't leave Daiha alone

and I wouldn't be friends with Mary

or date Presley..

I would stay the hell away from him

and just talk to my sister

and make sure she was okay,

but the past is something

that can't be changed..

I just have to live

with the guilt

and the regret

that I was part of the reason

Daiha was depressed

and anorexic

and cut herself...

It took me a minute

to remember

that Jax was still standing there

I was kind of surprised

that he hadn't left.

"I'm fine, really"

I tried to convince him,

but I don't think

he believed me.

"Are you new?"

I asked,

trying to change the subject,

because I hadn't seen him before

other than on the rougher side of town..

"yeah,"

he said

"yesterday was my first day"

Then the bell rang

and I half smiled at him

and said a small "thanks for the help"

before I escaped into the crowd

because if he,

practically a stranger,

could guess I wasn't okay,

then why couldn't my parents?

* * *

I was back at the apartment

and for the first time

my parents were home

for dinner.

They were both there...

they looked exhausted,

and they looked worried.

I could tell they were still fighting

even though a single word

hadn't been said

since we sat at the table

for dinner.

It was hard to eat

knowing that Daiha

was in the hospital

knowing that she was missing out

although

I'm not sure

missing a tension filled,

silent dinner

where she probably wouldn't eat anyway

was a very big deal.

I wanted to escape

to my room so badly

but my parents

told me to wait

because they had something

to 'talk' to me about..

I felt numb

even though I got to talk to Jax today

if talk was even the right word...

more like me have a panic attack

and him be a good person

and ask if I was okay.

Any kind person

would do that

besides the kids at school.

at least,

the ones who saw the video..

My parents broke me

from my thoughts

and started talking

about Daiha..

I felt myself

tune them out

because whenever I was near them

anymore

it was either

fighting

or

Daiha

or

fighting

or

Daiha...

It should be about Daiha right now

even if she wasn't conscious of it

because it wasn't her fault

that she was lying in a coma

but I was so tired

and I just wanted to sleep

and sleep

and sleep

because if I slept

then I wouldn't have to feel alone

or feel the guilt crushing me

until I couldn't breathe again,

and I didn't want my parents knowing

that I was having panic attacks.

They had enough on their plates

without having to worry about me.

I went to my room

even though my parents

yelled at me to come back,

because I felt myself

going lightheaded

and starting to feel dizzy,

a telltale sign

of yet another panic attack.

I made it to my room

and shut the door

before I all but collapsed

curling into a ball,

crying for what felt like

the hundredth time.

Daiha,

you need to wake up

please

wake

up.