Chapter 2 - "Ashes Of His Pain..!"

I stood in my balcony, holding my mobile in my hands, looking up to the dark sky with the shiny stars. What a perfect combination it is, A Dark Sky and Millions Of Bright Stars. Same as, My Wounds were the Stars to my otherwise Dark Life. Without those scars, I would have been cracked beyond repair, because now, there was still a bubble of hope in my heart, that someday, someone will walk into my life, to mend me. 

According to the world, I had moved on. Even I wanted myself to be sure that I had moved on, but each time I heard the word Love, no one except her flashes in my mind. 

Though, I know I would never be able to have her in my life, the hope keeps on growing without my permission. I never wanted to see her. The guilt that was consuming me was endless. It has almost eaten me up and one glance at her would put me to death. 

What I did to her never meant 'something' to me until she made me realize that I was actually heartless. That day, I had promised myself to not see her again as that would do no good to me. I had realized back then that I didn't deserve her. She was the moon to the sky, the tree to the forest, and the head to a body. Whereas, I, I was the termite to the wood, the rust to the iron, and the cyclone to the sea. We weren't a match. We couldn't be.

A tap on my shoulder startled me. I turned around only to see DD standing there with his charming smile playing around his lips. However, it vanished right when he saw the tears in my eyes which weren't obvious to me even. 

"Why are you crying?!" DD asked, confused.

"I.. I am not crying. I am not." I lied,  rubbing off my tears.

"Ugghh.! Such a liar. Well, wear this and come down" he ordered, handling me a packet.

"Huhh? At this hour? Are you serious? What is this?" I bombarded him with questions, and he just ignored me walking away. 

I glanced at the clock, which showed exactly  11:30. How stupid he was.

###

Clad in a simple jeans, a plain white t-shirt, and a red jacket, I cascaded down the stairs. The hall was completely dark. 

As soon as I stepped in the hall, the lights glowed and everyone came cheering and clapping. I was confused when I finally found myself being dragged by Mom to the table placed in the center. 

The heart shaped red and white floral cake was resting in the center with some red and white roses surrounding it. The table itself was covered with red and white cloth. It was quite late to realize that everyone was wearing red and white including me and the hall was also decorated with red and white flowers and lights only.

Everything being red and white confused me. But then it took me to her.

"Red and White? Wow..! A breathtaking view..!" I said,dreamily.

"Shut up." She glared at me. 

"Avni.." I called out.

"Neil.." She retorted.

"Come on yaar. You should at least think about romance. See, Juhi had planned the red and white romantic surprise with so much love for me. You can do that for any boy. Can you?" I spoke only to meet her murderous glare.

"Kal tak Mithali thi. Ab Juhi hai. Usse pehle Aradhya thi, Esha thi, Hima thi, aur wo bhi thi.. Kya naam tha uska? Mehar.. Aur ek aur bhi thi na Haan wo Sneha..! Arey ek aur wo badi pyaari thi kon thi wo? Yaad nahi aarahaaa.. Kon thiiii... Haaan Vishaka.. Aur abhi tou jo last wali thi Juhi se pehle wo kon thi? Wo.. Mujhe yaad hai Neil..Wo thi na... Yess.. Ashi.. Aur phir wo ek Surekha bhi thi na!? Taara bhi tou reh gayi. Aur Purvi ko tou mein bhool hi gayi. Aur yaad hai wo thi ek badi hi ajeeb si.. Haan.. Palak.. Neha bhi tou thi na..Haan Neha bhi thi yaar. Aur aur aur.. Kavyaaaa.. Haan Kavya kese zehen se nikal gayi.. Yeh kitni hogayin? 15.. Haan 15.. Ab.. Subtract 15 from 87. It makes around 72. Yess 72. Unke naam bhi yaad hein. Ginwaun? Haan Soumya.. Nisha...."

"Avni Avni Avniiiiiiii.!" I wrapped my arms around her to stop her from speaking any further. Her opened mouth was covered by my shoulder. As soon as she closed it, her lips touched my shoulder blade, making me jump slightly. I never knew what this feeling meant. But she gave me goosebumps every time I tried to near her.

I pulled back, laughing. She looked at me, smiling. 

"These names were all right by the way. But you were wrong. They're not 87. Fear God Avni! They're just around 20. Not all at a time though." I clarified and she laughed out aloud. 

"How many hearts will you break Mr Khanna?" She was serious.

"I am not breaking any heart. Okay.!" I justified myself. 

"Don't do this to them. They have a heart." She said looking at the clock.

"Happy Birthday..!" She wished out of blue. 

I was startled for a minute. It took time to register that it was my birthday next day and it was actually 12:00.

I dropped myself on her, hugging her tight. I bet I could never find a friend more sincere than her.

I cut the red and white floral cake amidst everything that was red and white. She considered my choice and had decorated everything with red and white. It felt more special to me than what Juhi did. Avni had always made me go through things which none of my girlfriends ever could. 

Feeding her the cake, I thanked her for making my birthday special to which she replied, "Tumhari wo so called special girlfriends tou tumhe yeh feel nahi karwa saktin. Hein na?"

"Of course not. They are  just my distractions. The one who means the world to me is you Avni." I was sincere. I meant what I said though she had always thought that I never meant whatever I said. She locked her gaze with mine and we stayed like that for God knows how many more minutes.

I came back to my senses as a tear rolled down my cheek. Rubbing it away, I faked a smile and cut the cake. In all these years, I had been celebrating my birthday without her, and it felt like hell.

###

I lay on my bed, thinking of all the hearts I had broken. She was the only one to make me realize that I had been doing wrong, that Love was no joke. But I had always considered it a distraction. I realized how much I need her. 

 Ye dil tanha kyun rahe

Kyun hum tukdon mein jiye

Ye dil tanha kyun rahe

Kyun hum tukdon mein jiyein

Kyun rooh meri ye sahe

Main adhoora jee raha hoon

Hardum ye keh raha hoon

Mujhe teri zaroorat hai

Mujhe teri zaroorat hai  

I was in need of her the most. But Alas, I couldn't have her. I never wanted to.

Andheron se tha mera rishta bada

Tune hi ujaalon se waaqif kiya

Ab lauta main hoon inn andheron mein phir

Toh paaya hai khud ko begaana yahaan

Tanhaayi bhi mujhse khafaa ho gayi

Banjaron ne bhi thukra diya

Main adhoora jee raha hoon

Khud par hi ik sazaa hoon

Mujhe teri zaroorat hai

Mujhe teri zaroorat hai  

I reminisced how effortlessly she had dragged me from the darkness and had made me fall for her. Leaving me was her choice and I knew I deserved nothing other than that.

 Hmm... tere jism ki woh khushbuein

Ab bhi inn saanson mein zinda hai

Mujhe ho rahi inse ghutan

Mere gale ka ye phanda hai

Aaa...

Ho... tere choodiyon ki woh khanak

Yaadon ke kamre mein goonje hai

Sunkar isey aata hai yaad

Haathon mein mere zanjeerin hain  

She flashed through my mind and I couldn't stop the tears that poured out of my eyes. Oh! How I had been missing her. How I crave to hear her, to touch her, to smell her. Her warm hug was all I needed. But then, again I realized that I couldn't do anything to go to her. I didn't even know where she was. Was she alive or... The thought only frightened me to the core. 

Tuhi aake inko nikaal zaraa

Kar mujhe yahaan se rihaa

Main adhoora jee raha hoon

Ye sadaayein de rahaa hoon

Mujhe teri zaroorat hai

Mujhe teri zaroorat hai

I knew only she could make me feel special again. I knew only she could free me from my guilt. Only she could drag me out of the mess my life was in. But, whatever happened was all my mistake, I couldn't deny that. Whatever my family did for me today didn't make me feel like I am the one. But back then, she did, every time. I couldn't deny that I love her as much as I don't want to.

###

So, here it ends. 

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Much Love

Priya