Vincent sent me a flurry of unprofessionally jolly emojis in response to the documents I sent him pictures of. He called me a few hours later to ask how exactly I managed to do it with Kyra and Mac listening in through speaker phone from the station.

“That’s smart,” Mac commented after I mentioned the article writing excuse. “Since you framed it as a surprise he won’t say a word.” 

I heard a sadistic chuckle and knew it was Kyra before she even spoke. "If all it takes is a sappy love story to get them to hand over sensitive documents, that company is going nowhere.”

“And you talked with Darren as well?” Vincent asked. The question made me flush with color and I was glad he couldn't see me. I did more than talk with him and I was beginning to regret it. I could see how it only further clouded my judgment. It was harder to remember how cruelly he spoke to me in the heat of the argument and easier to get lost in his beautiful qualities. 

“Yeah, we kissed and made up. He’s not suspicious of anything.” I rushed the sentence out like a sneeze. It sounded like I was implying it was all for show but when I kissed Darren it was because I felt our love had been reborn, not to keep an act going. 

I was being reckless. 

“Alright, well you know what to do. Keep an eye out for anything you think might help the case, watch your back, and I’ll be here looking through these documents,” Vincent said, signing off the call. Mac and Kyra echoed goodbyes and the dial tone beeped. 

The next day, as I pulled out my set of warm clothes from a bin underneath my bed, I told myself that the date I was about to go on was purely for investigation purposes. Even I couldn't believe myself. The fight at Darren's apartment felt like the event that was going to end us. After our talk yesterday, it felt like the event marking the start of a new and better us. This time, without any secrets. All of Darren’s cards were on the table. I could understand him and he’d work on not letting the fear of losing me make him act out. This optimism amid the endless storm of trauma and confusion was the piece of driftwood I clung on to for the whole day. 

When Darren stood beside me staring up at a massive painting hanging on the white walls of the art exhibit and his fingers grazed against the sleeves of my sweater with shyness, hope should have blossomed. When I caught him eyeing anyone who got a little too close to me, placing his body in front of mine protectively, hope should have  blossomed. When we sat in his car listening to the songs we used to love when we were first starting out, hope should have blossomed. 

Instead, I felt a pit forming in my stomach. I wanted to pull away from his touch. I didn't want to be stared at lovingly. I remembered how he saw me as naive and helpless. I remembered how he made being with me sound like a burden. When we kissed, I had all these hopes of a fresh start but the reality was that our relationship had been stained by the fight and I had no idea if it would wash away with time. 

We parked outside of my house when the sky was dotted with stars and the crickets were chirping. We sat in silence for a minute, our breath making swirls of smoke. Darren was beaming at me. The moonlight pouring in through the window could have been coming from him. My smile, on the other hand, felt stiff and made my cheeks ache. 

Something was missing. Something between us had disappeared. 

__________________

Our family was going to visit Adonis's grave. It was the first time we were going together and everyone was buzzing around the house like worker bees. Nancy spent a lot of time flattening the curls Adonis preferred on her and Tìa was flipping through her wallet for the business card of a flower shop that sold the most beautiful arrangements.  

"I don't know why you're rushing," Julio said to no one in particular. He popped a grape into his mouth from the bowl on the kitchen table. "It's not like Adonis is going anywhere." 

He wore a black button down, his curls freshly diffused from the shower he took in the morning. 

I whacked him on the back of the head. I knew Julio was only joking around because he was sad and uncomfortable but he should have known Nancy wouldn't appreciate his morbid humor. 

"I'm going to get the car running," Tìo said, which was code for hurry up. The action was meant to rush us along, making us feel guilty that we've left someone waiting outside of us. After a minute or two, Julio and I followed in Tìo's footsteps to further urge the remaining two to hurry. 

My simple black dress wrinkled and folded in the back seat. Though Adonis was buried months ago, the grief was fresh. Visiting his grave, visualizing his body buried deep underground, his spirit far from us, reminded me of the loss. Adonis would never be with us again and the permanence of that stung. 

Eventually, Tìa and Nancy joined us and we took a quiet car ride to the cemetery. 

We all hovered around as Nancy changed out the flowers laid onto the slate. The dried up bouquet was exchanged for a vibrant batch and we stood in contemplative silence for a long moment. Then the four of us took a few steps back to give Nancy some time alone. In the light of what she had recently revealed to me, I couldn't help but see her interaction with the grave differently than I would have before. I found myself straining to hear what she said to Adonis. 

"So . . . We're parents now," she said with a hitch in her breath. "I had my first ultrasound a little while ago. They can't tell what the gender is but I think it's a girl." 

Julio stood across from me. He picked at the skin on his forearm, his eyes sweeping from me to Nancy repeatedly. 

"I wish you would have been more honest with me while you were alive. After everything that has come out about you, after the danger you put my family in . . . " Nancy said to the gravestone, "I feel like I might have never truly known you." 

A groan escaped Julio's mouth. He brought his hand to his forehead as if he had just developed the most massive headache in the world. 

"I can't do this," he said. "I can't hold this in any longer." 

Nancy didn't seem to have heard the comment and neither did Julio's parents who were engaged in their own conversation. 

"What do you mean?" 

Juliio tugged on the sleeve of my coat until I followed him to a nearby tree and out of earshot from anyone else. 

"A few hours before the wedding, I saw something," Julio said. His features were drawn tight. This was as close to crying as I had seen Julio since he was a young kid. I recognized the slight quiver in his lips. It was the same one he used to get when he would try to keep secrets from us. 

Was this what he was hiding from his family all this time? Was this what drove him to get blackout drunk during the after party? 

I braced myself as best as I could. This was what I had wanted. Julio was finally going to tell me the truth. "What did you see?" 

"Tìa gave me some pins to deliver to the bridesmaids so I went to the rooms where Nancy was supposed to be getting ready. None of the other girls were there. I saw Nancy and Darren . . . too close for comfort." 

What? 

I shook my head violently. The accusation had yet to sink in. "You gave the pins to me. You saw me and I was carrying them for the rest of the day." 

I remembered feeling the pins in the tiny plastic box jingle and jangle around in my purse. Darren said he had ripped his dress pants and I offered to help him pin it. 

"That was after. I saw them together - together, together. I didn't know what to do! I'm sorry!" He watched me carefully for a reaction. All I could do was take slow, measured breaths. 

I remembered Julio thrusting the supplies into my chest and muttering something about the bridesmaids. He scurried down the reception hall but I chalked it up to nothing more than Julio being a teenager. Could it be because he saw something? He was put in a horrible position and was too scared to say anything about it? 

"I asked Nancy about it a little while after Adonis died," he added. A rush of chilling air seeped through my coat and made me tremble. "She didn't deny it. She just told me to mind my business." 

I couldn't tear my eyes off Nancy's back. "You're saying Darren and Nancy hooked up hours before the wedding?" 

"It's been eating me alive!" he said, his voice raw with pain. "I swear I wanted to tell you but I didn't know how! I didn't want to see you hurt and I was scared of what it would do to the family." 

Nancy said she had thought Adonis and I were having an affair. So if Julio was right, she fought with Adonis about me before the wedding and then slept with Darren? She hated Darren. She had always hated Darren. It didn't make sense - unless it was solely meant to spite me. 

I laughed. I had been amazed at how Nancy could think I betrayed her and not say a single word about it until a few nights ago. Maybe this was the answer. Nancy did retaliate. She took an eye for an eye. 

"You're pale," Julio said, though he appeared the same. "Do you want some water? Maybe you should sit in the car. You don't look so good." 

Julio might as well have been talking to a wall. His voice was fading into the background, barely audible anymore. 

I couldn't wrap my head around Darren's motivation. Even if my sister was angry enough - cruel enough - to do this to me, why would Darren? Darren loved me, I was sure of it. He was scared of losing me. He said so. He wouldn't do anything to make his worst fear a reality. 

But he thought the same as Nancy, a tiny nagging voice whispered. He thought you cheated first. 

I was marching towards Nancy's back. Julio tried to restrain me, begging me to wait a second. 

"Don't do this here," he pleaded. 

I ignored him. 

I clasped Nancy's shoulder hard. She twisted around, her mouth agape and her eyebrows furrowed. I didn't let her get a single nagging word out. 

"Did you sleep with him?" 

She blinked at me and then her frown curved into a cheeky grin. She giggled and it resembled the squeaking of door hinges. "Well, he was my husband and I am pregnant with his baby." 

"Did you sleep with Darren?" 

Nancy glared at Julio. Her irises looked like they were made of the night. She stared at him until he was fidgeting and unable to hold her gaze. The more the silence stretched on, the thinner the tether of hope became. It didn’t take this long to deny something. If it wasn’t true she would have been jumping at the chance to defend herself. 

It became clear Nancy wanted Julio to give us some privacy but he was unwilling to leave my side. She huffed out a breath of air through her nose and then centered her gaze on me. 

“It wasn’t my idea,” she said and for a second I thought I was going to throw up all over the grass. I swallowed the bile rising in my throat as her face contorted into an ugly pout. “Darren said it wouldn’t matter because you and Adonis were cheating on us anyways. He said it would hurt the two of you like you hurt us. We would be even and we could leave it behind us.” 

The butterflies that had soared around my stomach whenever I thought about Darren fell dead. 

 “Are you out of your mind?” Julio yelled. Veins bulged from his forehead and he clenched his fist as his sides. His parents were hastening towards us but my blinders were on and soon all I saw was Nancy. 

“It was a mistake and I obviously regret it! I was so heartbroken after confronting Adonis about you two. I thought it was true that he cheated and you hurt me. Darren found me in a vulnerable state and took advantage of me!” Nancy whimpered. “He’s sick. I told you he was bad for you. He’s bad for this whole family.” 

She was crying. Nancy was crying as if she was the one that had been wronged. 

I wanted to punch her. Slap her. Maybe even kill her. Perhaps I would have if there wasn’t a baby growing inside of her. 

“The baby . . .” 

“What about the baby?” Tìa asked. Her wrinkling hands reached for me as she tried to decipher the expressions on everyone’s faces. 

Like a real sister, Nancy read my mind and knew where my sentence was going without me having to finish it. She delivered the line in a crescendo of sobs. 

“There is a possibility it could be his, given the timing and all.”

My chest hurt. 

My eyes traveled to Adonis’s headstone. 

Can you believe it? Can you believe what they did to us?

No one around me understood the weight of the betrayal. Tìo and Tìa would only be ashamed on Nancy’s behalf. Julio was wallowing in guilt. If I called Kimberly, she’d be the textbook supportive best friend after a heart break but she wouldn’t know the extent of it. She wouldn't know why these past few months have been so confusing and ridden with anxiety. She didn’t know about the investigation. Suddenly, I wished I had my mom. I wished she was here to scold Nancy and hold me while I cried. I wished my father was good and that he would threaten to kill Darren on my behalf - that it would be an empty and endearing threat rather than an eerie possibility. 

I took off running. My arms and legs were pumping like I was being chased by wild dogs and I didn’t care that the shoes I wore were as good as running on the bare ground or that I had no idea where I was going. I ran until I was out of the cemetery and on the main street of town. From there, it was easy to find where I was going. 

I was choking on my own breath by the time I got to the police station. I took the stairs leading up to the entrance two at a time and strode right up to the counter at the front. The phrase “I need to speak with Detective Vincent Pham” spilt out of my mouth rather incoherently and the officer at the front followed close beside me as she walked me over to his desk. 

Upon the sight of me, Vincent dropped the book he had been holding up to his face and the fork in his other hand. He must have been on lunch break. He rushed over and met me in front of the collection of decks he shared with his coworkers. He motioned to let the lady know it was okay to leave us alone and all I could do was stand there panting. 

I didn’t know what I was going to say. I didn’t know why I was there. 

I turned back around, making a beeline for the exit. 

“What’s wrong?” 

I turned back around. Vincent had taken a few steps toward me and I nearly collided into him. 

“I - I didn’t know where to go.” I was shaking. My legs didn't feel strong enough to hold me up. It was like someone had died. 

Darren and Nancy had betrayed me in the most cruel manner. 

I was supposed to be able to depend on her for everything and anything. I was supposed to be able to trust her when I couldn’t trust anyone else - which was all the time these days. My whole world was continuously tilting on its axis and I couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Did something happen?” Vincent’s eyes consumed me in a desperate plea for an answer. He steadied me as I rocked forward. 

My hyperventilating morphed into sobbing as tears came rushing down my cheeks faster than I could wipe them away. My chest collapsed with every breath like my heart was giving out inside of me. 

“They lied.” 

“Who lied?” Vincent kept a hand on my arm to make sure I didn’t fall as he reached over to pull a chair out for me. “Please sit.” 

“Darren.” My voice cracked on his name. It tasted bitter in my mouth and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to spit it out. I loathed myself for every kiss I gave him, every thought that centered around him. I had been played for a fool. 

I didn’t know why I chose his name instead of Nancy’s or why I didn’t call out the both of them but it was hard to continue after I said it. 

Vincent’s nostrils flared. “What did he do?” 

“He cheated. He cheated and he lied about it. Julio covered it up. Nancy -”  I cut myself off, too horrifed at the reality to continue on. I hid my face in my hands as my sobs got uglier and uglier. There was an element of shame that twisted around my throat and taunted me. I was naive. I let them play me and I would have never known about it if it weren’t for Julio. I bought Darren’s apology and made up with Nancy with a big smile like the idiot I was. 

“The baby might be his.” I blurted it out as quickly as possible. Maybe my world wouldn’t be so shattered if it wasn’t for that. I raised my head and saw Vincent’s jaw go slack. 

He bowed his head as if to collect his thoughts, his hands on the armrests on either side of the chair I sat on. When he lifted it back up, his expression was fierce. "We're going to put an end to this. We're going to figure this case out as soon as possible so you can have some peace. All you have to do is hold on until then." 

Hold on, I told myself as my world came crumbling down. 

Hold on.

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