I dreamt of Darren.

We were at the wedding again but everything was slightly off. There was no roof in the ballroom and no chandeliers to create light.  The sky was starless and when the gunfire started, I couldn’t see where I was going.

I was running, trying to weave through the crowd but getting jostled around too roughly to make any progress. Sequins from the dresses of the guests scratched my bare legs. Dress shoes stepped on my toes. There were elbows being jammed into my ribs and soon I was being dragged backwards to where the gunshots grew louder and louder.

I was pushed to the ground and the crowd seemed to thicken. I was crawling on my hands and knees when I heard Darren’s voice. He was calling me towards him, saying that I was close, to keep moving. Before I could make any real progress, a five inch heel went straight through the skin between my thumb and pointer finger. The woman kept walking, ripping her shoe out of me as if I was nothing more than a wad of gum on the sidewalk.

I shrieked as blood poured down my forearm. Blood on my tan skin. Blood and torn flesh. A bloodied gaping hole. It was all I could focus on. Someone's leg knocked into the side of my head and I fell onto my side. My vision blurred and the ballroom shifted on its axis.

Someone grabbed onto the heel of my shoe and pulled me by it. Red streaked the ground. Blood everywhere. Blood on everything. Why could I never escape it?

The strap dug into my ankle. There was more blood pouring out of me as it cut deep into my flesh. Then Nancy appeared on top of me, drenched in her husband’s blood as she had been on that night. Her eyes were wide and wild. Her hair stuck to her forehead which was drenched in a feverish sweat. Her body radiated a scorching heat that burned wherever we connected. She was reaching for my throat.

All I could smell was copper in my nose.

"He was my husband!" she screamed, baring her teeth at me. "How could you? How could you?!"

The fleeing crowd parted in the center and a beam of light cast down to create an illuminated walkway. Darren stood at the end of it, pale and bony. He had his arms glued to his sides, his gaze fixated on Nancy. Her hands were squeezing my throat. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't scream.

It felt like an eternity until Darren made it to me.

He raised his arm towards Nancy.

No.

He had a gun. He held it at Nancy's temple. Preoccupied with me, she didn’t react.

He fired.

My vision was soaked in red.

As soon as I woke up, I called Darren to ask if I could see him. I needed to erase the phantom version of him who had committed murder and paint over the red with the soft yellows and gentle blues that truly represented him. I wanted to be reminded that in a crowd of hysterical people, at least one of them would hold their hand out to me. Darren hadn’t let me get trampled or lost in the crowd. He saved me by guiding me out. I had no idea why my subconscious had distorted the events into a horrifying nightmare but I needed his help to wash it away.

I had gone to sleep in the early morning hours because I had been out with Vincent. Because of the timing and because it was the weekend, this meant my whole family was home. Despite their warning yesterday, I got dressed and walked towards the door with as much fake confidence as I could muster. They liked Darren so I assumed they'd be fine that I was going to see him. I hoped that they had cooled off from yesterday. It was common for Tìo and Tìtì to blow up only for them to level their stances once given the time to cool off. They had crossed a line yesterday but maybe they could come back from it. I was reluctant to believe that somewhere between Adonis being killed and the present, that something irreversible happened to us as a family.

I was taking my purse down from its hanger when my uncle stepped out of the living room. His shoulders were relaxed and his eyebrows weren’t drawn tight into his angry grimace. I didn’t let his posture fool me. He had seemed calm yesterday too and we both knew how yesterday went.

"I heard you come in late last night," he said, leaning against the wall with his hairy arms crossed over one another. "There was a car in the driveway that wasn't ours."

He probably heard me when I dropped my keys. I was thinking of how to diffuse the tension, dreading another argument starting up, when Nancy came up from behind him. Her mouth was agape, her hand pressed over her heart like she couldn't have been more scandalized.

I was getting deja vu. They had ganged up on me the day prior as well. Was this going to be routine? Was I supposed to constantly be lectured by everyone until the day I moved in with Kimberly?

"You snuck out? With who?" she asked, looking at me with a mix of horror and distaste. Something I had thought to myself while sneaking out the night before was how unlike me it was. While growing up, I had always made it home an hour before curfew. As an adult, it was so ingrained in me that I never bothered to stay out late. I was so used to not having anything going on. I was used to having my family know everything about my life. Having yesterday night all to myself, though admittedly I wasn’t up to anything truly wild, was electrifying.

There was no chance I could tell them the truth. I went with the safest bet.

"I was out with Darren." I tried to fake the feeling of shame by hanging my head. Tìo wrinkled his nose while Nancy's eyebrows shot up. He was going to lay off but she wasn’t.

"And where are you going now?" she asked, looking me up and down.

"To Darren's."

"I'll never understand what you see in him." Her bitterness seeped into every syllable.

I’ll never understand why you hate him, I wanted to retort.

"I can't stop you from walking out that door," my uncle said and I tried not to melt with relief. The threat was gone. Maybe it had been empty from the start. "But just know that you are an adult now. Whatever mess you get yourself into, you will be fully responsible for."

Mess? What mess? My relationship with Darren? The mess that I was making by discovering all the things they were trying to hide from me?

My fist curled around the strap of my purse.

"I can handle myself."

The uber dropped me off in front of Darren’s. It was a small building with only a handful of apartments. The doorbell outside didn't work so I didn't bother ringing it. Instead, I texted him that I was outside and waited until I heard his flip flops trudging down the steps. He opened the steel door with a deep frown and pulled me into a hug. It was a weird side embrace that was out of sync. Darren pulled away from the hug just when I began to lean into it.

"Feeling any better? I heard that cold was gnarly," he said, pushing the door open wider with his hip. He was wearing shorts and a T-shirt that was too tight on his chest.

He fell in step behind me as we went up the stairs of the apartment. I debated how much I wanted to tell him about what happened with my family. I couldn’t really stress how sinister it all was without revealing the investigation. Knowing that who was responsible for Adonis being killed was alive and about was what made their actions alarming. It was the possibility that they knew more than they had let on or been more involved than they had let on that was troubling me.

Truth was, I was beginning to feel like the investigation was creating a casym between Darren and I. Keeping him from such a huge part of my life was making him feel like an accessory to it rather than an integral part of it. I found myself frequently wondering how he would react if he knew my uncle had purchased and hid a gun in his room. What would he say if he knew they had received a twenty thousand ‘donation’? If he knew someone was trying to kill me and Adonis had tried to warn me of something dangerous after his reception? I seldom saw the serious side of Darren but surely this would warrant his consideration. He would probably try to figure it out with me. He might have even been better at investigating than me. With a personality like his, he could probably charm answers out of anyone. My family may have been unwilling to share the truth with me but maybe they’d tell Darren if they were cornered enough.

I couldn’t remember the last time I felt truly connected to Darren. Maybe it was after the wedding when I had just found out that Adonis was dead and he was there to console me or when he came over a few days after the funeral. It was times like that when Darren and I were closest, when he was urgently needed. Whenever I felt like I was falling apart he was there to pick up the pieces. He would pull on a loose stitch on my heart until it was bleeding again so he could stitch it up better. Sometimes I wondered if he liked me best when I was hurt. I used to think he loved me despite my brokenness but recently I had developed a fear that it was what attracted him. After all, once he found out I had been sick, his busy work schedule was miraculously freed up.

I didn't know if Darren could sense us growing apart but I knew I had to do all I could to preserve what we had. I loved him. I didn't want to let the investigation come between us.

"It was strange actually. Everyone thought I had gotten into Julio's stash and got high." We reached his apartment door and he surveyed my face as he held it open.

"Wait, for real? Do they even know you?" His voice was incredulous. The laugh that followed was hearty and made me dizzy with delight. My family might have been going off the deep end but at least I had Darren. Having him on my side was the lifejacket I needed to stay afloat.

"That's exactly what I thought! They threatened me, saying that if I left the house there would be consequences. I'm surprised they didn't put up a fight about me coming here."

"Wow, sounds like everyone is on edge.” He winced empathetically and then kissed the top of my head. “But I’m glad you're feeling better . . . And not a junkie.”

It was quiet inside which meant none of his roommates were home. If they were, I would have heard music blasting through a speaker from one of the bedrooms down the hall or saw one of them hunched over the fridge sipping a radioactive looking energy drink.

I settled onto the couch as Darren went to the fridge and grabbed himself one of said energy drinks.

The apartment was big but given it was shared, it felt like a mousehole. Everyone’s things were always everywhere and the guys had to get creative about finding ways to increase storage. The living room was the neatest room in the apartment. None of the men had the best decorative skills and though they had been living together since they graduated, none of them had planned to be staying at the apartment long. As a result, the furniture was cheap and mismatched. The chairs in the kitchen were plastic garden chairs and the assortment of couch throw pillows looked like every roommate stole one from their parents house in a combined effort to decorate.

I moved the blue pillow over to make space for Darren and waited for him to join me. He didn't. He lingered in the hall like he was a stranger in his own home or a vampire who needed permission to enter.

When he finally stepped in, he started rearranging things that didn't need rearranging. He moved a newspaper to the counter beside the coffee table. He moved a throw pillow at the opposite end of the couch a quarter inch. He walked over to the window to only open it a crack.

“What are you doing?”

He shrugged, not meeting my gaze as he re-stacked a pile of magazines. "I didn't realize the place was so messy. I would have cleaned up more before you came."

I glanced around, chuckling to fill the silence. "It's not messier than it usually is."

"I think I just saw the mailman outside. I'm going to run down and see if he's got anything for the apartment," he said so hastily he almost cut me off. He was already slipping on his flip flops and reaching for his keys. "You can throw something on the TV. I'll be right back."

In an instant, everything and anything that could indicate something was off came into sharp focus. His lips ticked downwards as he spoke. His eyes were darting around. His face was flushed.

The clues collected were reminiscent of the night he had snuck into my bedroom. The sudden rush of heat that had been there when he yelled at me was buried in his expression. There were tiny glimmers of it shining through, catching on the mirror hanging over the TV console and on the rim of the glass cup on the counter.  The signs leading up to it that I had missed the first time around, were right in front of me.

The sky was gray outside the paneled window glass. It had been gray on my ride over and when I had woken up. There was no tangible decrease in light but somehow the room seemed to dim around the edges. I stared at Darren so hard he began to blur.

"What's wrong?"

My voice was colder than I wanted it to be. I wanted it to sound concerned and caring but instead it was laced with impatience.

Darren must have heard it in my voice because he paused with his back facing me. He didn't turn around.

"You’re upset about something." I had no idea what it could be about. I was the one dealing with a web of familial lies coming to a crescendo. According to my knowledge, Darren was busy working long shifts at his job. They were exhausting but he was excited that his career was taking off. Whenever we spoke, he said he missed me and couldn’t wait to take me on a date soon.

I thought we were fine. Distant but fine. Weren’t we fine?

He back tensed underneath his shirt and his knuckles went white as he gripped his keys.

What could I have done wrong?

Oh no.

Did he know about Vincent? What if Nancy or my uncle told him that I had been out last night. What if they had called him to find out if I really was with him? If I tried to explain where I was to him, he wouldn’t believe me. Could I even explain to him without compromising the investigation?

My chest felt tight. I gripped the edge of the blue throw pillow to try and ground myself.

He turned around, nostrils flared as he jabbed the air with his finger. "Did you have to wear that over here?"

I looked down at my outfit. Wear what? I was about to ask when the silver went cold on my chest. I glanced down at the insect pendant. The black spotted wings covered the picture of my mother. It was the necklace from Adonis. I hadn’t taken it off since the night before.

"It's weird, Mickey! I kept my mouth shut at your birthday party but you have to know how that necklace makes me feel.” His voice was strained, not with sadness but from trying to repress something. He wanted to yell at me.

I wrapped my hand around the pendant and felt my heart thudding beneath it.

I didn't say anything. I didn’t say anything because I was at a loss for words. He hadn’t even seen the note. Did a necklace from a dead man, meant to honor my mother, really intimidate him that much? I needed him the most at this time. I needed him to hold me and tell me that everything would be fine - that the killers lurking in the shadows weren’t going to successfully kill me, that my family wasn't dangerous. I didn’t need this stupid fight.

"A necklace in itself would have been a fine gift. If he would have gotten you something to wear to Red Lobster every once and a while, for example." The smirk he wore was bitter and more snarl than smile. "That necklace is awfully more intimate than something you should get from a brother in law."

I stood up, my voice wavering as I spoke. “He was my friend, Darren. He was my best friend and now he’s dead. Why can’t you just let me have this? This necklace isn’t about you. Not everything has to be about you!”

“Don’t you dare try to call me selfish!” He took a step towards me. He had abandoned any attempt to keep his voice level and I flinched as spit flew out of his mouth. “How many of your breakdowns have I sat through? Huh? How many times have I left work early because you were sobbing over the simplest things? You think it’s easy being with someone like you? I only do it because I love you!”

“So I’m a burden?” Hurt, throbbing and sharp, tore through me. He was taking every fear I had, everything I hoped wasn’t true and telling me it was. I knew that no matter how the conversation ended, I would be trapped replaying every single moment we had together. When he kissed me, was he secretly thinking that I was pathetic? Was he rolling his eyes as he handed me tissues? Was he watching the clock over my shoulder as he held me in his arms?

“I don’t want to be your charity case! If you hate me so much then why are you even with me?”  

He groaned, pressing his palms into his forehead so hard it looked like it hurt. He squeezed his eyes shut. “I don’t hate you! You’re missing the point. This is about Adonis. That necklace is a dog collar! Flip it over, I’m sure it has his number on the back to call in case you ever get lost!”

My mouth fell open. Darren mirrored my expression a second later, as if he was just hearing what he said.

The remark was filled with malice and envy. It was meant to cut and cut deep. He couldn't take it back. Even as a hint of guilt sparked in his eyes, I was certain I could never unhear those words.

Was that how he thought of me? I was that malleable, that naive? I was nothing more than a pet who was all too happy to take commands and be trained not to pee on the carpet. I was so foolish that I could let Adonis make some macho claim on me and not realize it.

I was looking everywhere except at Darren. This made him tense. I followed his nervous gaze to the key tray. He made a move for it, trying to block it with his body but I bounded off the couch and grabbed hold of the piece of paper that sat on the wood.

“Mickey, don’t!” he warned, standing directly behind me. The volume of his voice made my ears ring.

I recognized the paper immediately. It was worn with wrinkles and soft against my fingertips.

It was the letter Kimberly failed to get rid of. Darren had found it.

"Why do you have this?"

Why would he take it? Why wouldn’t he tell me he saw it? 

Gone was the twinge of guilt he displayed for his cruel remark. His posture straightened, his finger stabbing at the air with a righteousness that made me sick.

"I have been reading that letter over and over again. I've even asked all my roommates what it could mean." My stomach tightened at the thought of the personal message being passed around like gossip on a playground. I felt betrayed. Instead of asking about it, he kept it like a secret.

"Without the letter, the gift Adonis gave you was just really thoughtful and I'm a lousy boyfriend who needs to step up his gift giving. With it, the gift looks bad. Very bad."

His voice cracked at the last sentence and I realized his eyes were glassy. He was about to cry.

I searched his face for the reason why he was so distraught over this. It could only be because he was making an assumption. One horribly wrong assumption that he was too cowardly to be forthright about.

"Say what you mean."

He took another step closer as he inhaled. He was so close I felt as if I had to hold my breath. "What was Adonis talking about when he mentioned the night you two met? What happened that night?"

I let my stare bore into him, keeping it steady and strong. The reason why he had jumped to the worst possible conclusion eluded me. What had I ever done to warrant his distrust? I didn’t want to answer. I didn’t think he deserved an explanation. Even still, I explained.

“We clicked. We ditched Nancy’s party to hang out and almost went on a date but I changed my mind last second.” Darren’s face soured. He looked like he was going to be sick.

"So he wanted you first? He couldn't have you so he settled for Nancy." He rubbed the stubble on his chin with a sarcastic laugh. "I feel much better now! Thanks, Mickey."

I hated how he said my name. I hated how he turned it into a weapon against me.

"Adonis wasn't dumb or a coward,” I spat. “He ended up with who he wanted to end up with. He wanted Nancy. He married Nancy! He had a baby with Nancy!"

His voice was suddenly quiet. "And who did you want?"

"You can't be serious."

He wasn’t the only one holding back tears anymore. Two years of being utterly hypnotized and enchanted by Darren were being overlooked because of one piece of jewelry and one piece of paper. I had loved Darren more than life itself. I let my days be consumed by daydreams of him. I wished some days away so I could see him sooner. It wasn’t as if he didn’t know this. He watched me flake on countless plans at the last minute to make time for him. He watched me obsessively search for ways to prove myself worthy of him, letting my insecurities tell me that at any second he could get up and leave. Why would I have done anything to make that fear come true?

"When we were together -?"

“You’re not about to ask me that!” A stray tear ran down my cheek and I wiped it away with my sleeve.

I would never. He knew I would never. He had to know.

He held out his hand, his fingers stiff and head bowed. “When we were together,” he started again, this time slower. I sobbed as I read the truth off of his expression. This was something he suspected for a long time. This was what he was trying to repress. Maybe this was the real reason why we had grown distant. He had been mulling over this for ages and had not said anything about until now. “When we were together, did you ever cheat on me with Adonis? Be honest.”

“No! No, how could you -?”

“Don’t lie!” he yelled. It seemed to echo off the bone of my skull.

“I love you. I would never hurt you like that." 

He dropped his gaze to the floor. We stood in silence for an unbearable amount of time. With unsteady hands, I reached behind my neck and undid the latch of the necklace.

"Since it seems I haven't been clear enough, let me make sure you understand."  I dropped the ladybug necklace onto the coffee table and ripped up the letter Adonis had written for me. His words of encouragement were demolished along with the two sentences that were enough to send Darren spiraling.

The unwelcomeness oozed from the walls of the apartment. I took up my purse and showed myself to the door, letting my shoulder brush Darren’s on the way out. I thought I heard him call my name but I didn't stop. I didn't look back.

When I stepped outside into the crisp autumn weather, my neck felt bare.

Authorized Note: Thoughts? Vote and comment!