•| residing in heart |•

•••
mujhe bheja tha dunya dekhne ko,
mein bus ek chehre ko taakta reh gaya
•••

Zarrar was a man with purpose, when he knocked on Dada Jaan's door. He wanted to clear things up, he wanted to show that he was Fidah's just as much as she wanted to. If something was tormenting her, it was his duty to subdue it, to console her into bringing peace.

The familiar voice resonated from inside as Zarrar entered the room. His eyes landing on the old man that sat on his bed, a book in hand as he flipped through the pages leisurely.

"Dada Jaan, mujhe aapse kuch baat karni hai." Zarrar said, in a no nonsense tone. His limbs stiff with a stance that showed no room for arguments.

"Baat karni hai ya faisla sunana hai?" The old man smiled, closing the book, the dark cover had an apple on it and read twilight in a phoney-mystical font.
(You want to talk or announce your decision?)

"Aap aesi kitabein bhi padte hai?" Zarrar raised an eyebrow, the question sounding more judgemental than it should.

"Arey nahi, bus Dina ise padke hehehe kar rahi thi kuch dinon pehle, toh maine socha mein bhi dekhoon kya hehehe karne layak hai." Ashraf Hamidi solemnly answered, while Zarrar barely managed to nod back.

(No, Dina was reading this book a few days back and hehehe-ing so I thought why not see what is there to hehe in it.)

"Khair, What is it that you have decided?" He added, gesturing for Zarrar to sit down on the chair adjacent to his bed.

"I don't want to marry Naila."

"That I know, Zarrar. But what is it that you really wanted to tell me?"

Zarrar sighed deeply, his forehead scrunching in frustration. He knew the twisted old man was aware of the many mysteries that tangled up his life, but still loved playing dumb.
"You really want to do this, Dada Jaan?"

"What do you think, Zarrar Sahab?" He smirked in response, causing Zarrar to grunt in annoyance.

"I should've known why you sent me to Rashid Mahmoud's funeral that day. My memory was at a loss, but I finally figured it out."

Dada Jaan remained mute as if enjoying each second of the torment he was putting his grand son through.

"Its been more than ten years, Dada Jaan. You should've told me who Fidah was!"

"And how would that matter? Nature had to take its course, I've already done enough and it's only caused pain and suffering." The humorous facade finally melted off Ashraf Hamidi's face, replaced by crumbling vulnerability and guilt. It made him seem more weak than he already was.

"She has a letter with your contact in it, Dada Jaan! Rashid Uncle mentioned you even in his last remnants and you refused to attend his funeral!" Zarrar fumed, visibly angered for his wife.

"And yet she has made no attempt to enquire about it, Zarrar. It obviously has brought her nothing but distress. If she needs to find out what is behind all this, all she has to do is come to me." The old man replied, ignoring the last sentence. His head bowed down feebly.

"I can't believe you are being so selfish right now. You did the same thing years back and you are repeating your mistakes again!" Zarrar fumed, getting up from the chair. "Stop with these games. Don't hurt Fidah more than she already is. If you don't tell her the truth I will."

"You know in this book that I am reading..."Dada Jaan began going off topic, "This stupid girl falls in love with this guy who is a sparkly vampire and that stirs up a whole lot of trouble for everyone involved."

"What are you saying, Dada Jaan?!"

"What I am saying is, you are that stupid girl and Fidah is the sparkly vampire. She needs to decide for herself if she wants to know, what her reality is, don't go meddling around and ruin things for everyone."

"I swear to God! You will be the cause of my demise, fucking delusional old man." Zarrar muttered under his breath, barely containing the urge to rip off his hair. "Whatever it is with you and your vampire bullshit. Announce Fidah and my Nikkah on the same day as Arsalan's. I don't care what you do, just get us married before the end of this week."

That was the cue for Zarrar to exit as murmured things to himself walking out, more bothered than he should've been.

Ashraf Hamidi smiled softly, his mission accomplished as he opened the drawer beside him, his fingers finding a mahogany box within it. It had the name Daneen, engraved beautifully on the far left corner in urdu. His hands trembled as he twisted open the toggle latch, opening it to reveal a few scattered contents, but amongst them was an old tattered picture, its ends tinted with brown debris that had settled over-time.

In the picture, there stood a couple with three kids, two boys and one girl. The man in the picture had a larger than life moustache with a white pathani and waistcoat, the woman was draped in a beautiful zardozi saree. In front of them stood the kids, the oldest brother holding his baby sister proudly while the younger one grinned toothily.

His eyes glazed as his fingers traced the face of the younger one, so full of love. Repentance came at the cost of death, it came too late to put to action and Ashraf Hamidi really hoped what he was doing was right this time around.

___

The Hamidi villa was exquisitely renovated to match the tastes of the patriarch, the wedding celebration of the second son looming high. Yellow and Gold dusted Marigolds adored the walls of the villa, jasmine fragrance mixed with the freshly made pakwaan in the kitchen wafting through the air. The hustle and bustle of the festivities was just about to start when the groom himself entered, dragging along a woman dressed in red salwar suit. Head bowed, almost guilty she stood, while the groom was anything but.

Ashraf Hamidi who was strolling along the corridor talking to someone on the phone froze, the smile on his face slipping away as he caught sight of his son.

Minutes later, the entire family was seated in the living room, Ashraf Hamidi sat on the chair scrutinising them, his wife sitting beside him sobbing with a hand to her mouth.

"Baba-Maa, maine shaadi kar li hai, ye meri biwi hai Amna." Rashid Mahmoud announced, his voice unwavering but a slight regret clouding his face.

(I have gotten married, this is my wife.)

"What have you done, beta.."His mother sobbed, clutching her hands to her chest.

"Maa..mein bus apni zindagi jeena chahta hoon, kisi aur ki zindagi barbaad nahi karni mujhe." Rashid emphasised clutching onto the hand of the meek woman behind him.

(I just wanted to live my life, i didn't want to ruin anyone else's)

"Zindagi?" Ashraf Hamidi scoffed, his face contorted in fury. "This house is your life. Your parents are! Not once did you ask me, consult me. Ek ghair ladki le aaye? Aur ab chahte ho hum sab kuch chup-chap maan lein?"

"You wouldn't have listened to me, Baba! I tried many times but I knew you wouldn't listen. Ye ghair nahi hai, meri biwi hai. Main usse muhabbat karta hoon. Wo meri zimmedari hai." Desperation to make his father see sense crawled into his skin.

(She is not an outsider, she is my wife. I love her. She is my responsibility)

"Zimmedari? Zimmedari toh woh thi jo humne uthayi thi jab tumhe hum ghar le aaye the. Aur waah beta kya sila diya hai tumne us zimmedari ka." Blazing hurt filled words were spouted, the weight of which caused the younger man to stumble back in shock.

(Responsibility? Responsibility was what we took up when we brought you home. And what a good job you've done returning it, son)

"Ashraf! Stop it! Why are you doing this?!" His mother cried, pulling at her husband's sleeve, her face tear struck as she was torn between her husband and son.

"I gave you my name. My identity. Tumhare sapno ke peeche apne armaan qurban kar diye. Aur tumne ye sab bhool kar ek faisla liya jo sirf tumhara tha." Ashraf Hamidi thundered, ruthless in his pursuit. His son's eyes watered as his throat dried.

Never before had it been mentioned in the house that, he was not their own blood. He was not one of them. But today it felt like, he had never belonged. The man called his father, his Baba. Was not his, he had never felt so heartbroken.
"Baba.."

"No..its okay."His father refused to meet his eyes, his gaze on the woman beside him. "You are Kifayat Durrani's daughter." More a declaration than a question.

The woman, seemed to be sobbing herself and shook her head positively hanging on to her husband's hand.

"Aaj tumne mera bharosa toda hai, mera maan toda hai. You fell in love? Ok. You decided to marry that man's only daughter despite knowing how our families are at feud. Ok. You did all this right a day before your wedding, without consulting me once, is not ok. Tumhari sau galtiyan maaf, bus ye nahi kar sakta." Ashraf shot back another devastating remark.

"Baba.. maine galat kiye, lekin main uske bina nahi reh sakta. Main apne faislon ki saza sehne ke liye tayyar hoon, par aapka bharosa todne ka bojh nahi utha sakta." Rashid got down on his knees, head bowed before his father.

(I did wrong but I can't live without her. I am ready to face the consequences of my actions but i can't live with the weight of breaking your trust.)

The older man paused, looking away staring blankly into space, before he stood up, walking towards his son.

"Toh yahi tumhari saza hai, Muhabbat karna bus zimmedari nahi hoti, beta. Qurbani hoti hai, aur aaj maine tumhari muhabbat ke khatir apna beta qurban kardiya." He placed his hand on his son's shoulder causing him to break down sobbing. The weight of his choices, his love crushing him. The room echoed with heaving cried filled with love, betrayal and the pain of forgiveness as he walked away.

(So this is your punishment, loving is not just about responsibility, its about sacrifice and because of your love today, i have sacrificed my son.)

—-

When Dada Jaan announced that Zarrar was to marry Fidah, the house went into frenzy. All the hooting monkeys (re:Yaseen) jumped into the air celebrating. The adults were in confusion and some in disbelief. Doubts were raised at the sudden wedding and surprisingly of all people Naila was the most normal as if expecting this.

It flustered Fidah as she was congratulated and scrutinised, getting over stimulated. Even her mother in law seemed pretty pleased despite her wishes to marry Naila and Zarrar.

Zarrar as always had come to her rescue, dragging her away from the chaos as they were now seated inside the familiar surroundings of his car.

"It feels so surreal. I still can't believe it went so smoothly." Fidah mumbled to herself dazed at the possibility that everything had worked out just fine, so far there were no hurdles. The problems she had created in her head were untrue.

"You are smiling like you have the world in your palms." Fidah smiled as well, seeing him. It was infectious. Those mighty dimples of his were now barely visible as a rough beard covered them.

"I don't have the world in my palms but I have you now. Conventionally, Religiously and in every other possible way I can think of!" He grinned only wider, as he swerved the car taking a right.

"Gaah, I think I really really like you a lot, Zarrar!" Fidah chimed, her voice giddy with joy. I love you, rebelliously trying to escape but she was saving it for later.

Zarrar froze, stamping his leg on the break in an instant, his face snapping in her direction. Eyes widened behind his glasses, pouty lips parted in an 'O'.
"Don't suddenly drop such confessions when i am driving, sweetheart. I feel like my heart will explode."

Fidah blushed crimson before looking around, they were in a secluded spot that was side-lined with trees. Not a soul in sight. When she turned around, there he sat just as star-truck as before, a hand to his chest.

"Now I understand drama runs in the blood." Fidah remarked trying to lighten the atmosphere but he remained the same.

"Zarrar?"

"Jee.." Even in his dumbfounded state he responded causing her to giggle out loud.

"How long are you planning to sit just like this?"She questioned, turning her body towards him, folding her legs to become comfortable.

"Mujhe samajh nahi aa raha ke dhadkan sambhalu ya saans. Pehle se hi aapko nazar bhar dekhne mein aafat aati hai, ab aap aesi batein karengi toh mera kya hona hai?." Zarrar whispered out.

(I don't understand if i should control my heartbeat or my breathing, already just looking at you feels like the end now if you say things like what will happen of me?.)

Fidah had never considered herself beautiful but he made her feel like poetry, like the women who men destroyed empires for. There she sat in his car, dressed in a simple dusty pink co-ord set, hair in a bun of a bird's neat, a huge chadar covering her upper body, yet she felt the happiest and the prettiest all because he made her believe she was.

Leaning forward over the console, she placed a soft kiss against his cheek bone and moved back. His eyes were closed, the hand on his chest firm.
"Mujhe maarne ka iraada kar liye hai phir aapne?" He mumbled gulping.
(Have you decided to kill me?)

She giggled kissing him on the other cheek.
"Abhi toh aap puri tarah mile bhi nahi hai, kaise maar doon apko?"
(I haven't even gotten you fully till now, how can i kill you?)

"Jaan toh nikaal hi di hai na.."
(You have taken my soul anyways)

"Sambhal ke rakhoongi, meri hi hai." She placed a last kiss on his forehead before leaning back against her seat.
(I will keep it safe, its mine only)

He slowly opened his eyes, Fidah didn't blush this time, she just looked at him with gratitude. For letting her be worth something. He had given her exactly what she wanted without putting it to words. The domestic comfort, the life she had craved. The life she had been deprived of.

"Aapki hi hai, jaanum." He said after a moment had passed.
(Its your only)

Both of them had smiles plastered on their faces after that, they got down and walked to a shop not far off. The old man was selling, hot chai and bajiya's. Zarrar got Fidah a cup of chai and a plate of puffing hot bajiyas and chutney as they sat on the plastic chairs, a few other people enjoying the breezy weather perfect for a day out.

"Fidah?" Zarrar suddenly called out as Fidah sipped on her chai slowly. She nodded in his direction.

"You remember your Baba's letter and how Dada Jaan's number was in there?" He cautiously continued, scared for her reaction but he couldn't hide the truth from her. She nodded again, not showing any discomfort or distress.

"Why didn't you ask Dada Jaan about it?"

"You know what that letter meant, didn't you?" She questioned, cracking a small smile.

Zarrar shook his head in affirmation, alarmed, damn, she was smart.

"You aren't very good at keeping things from me Zarrar. I believe you got to know about it today when you spoke to Dada Jaan?"

"Yes, but aren't you even a tad bit curious to know what it means? Why Dada Jaan was mentioned?"

"You know when I was young, Baba would take me to Mama's grave. He used to tell me how much he loved her and the kind of person she was. Initially I had this profound desire to meet her, to love her like my father loved. But as days passed she became a figment of Baba's stories, she only existed in his memories and by default in his stories. It didn't impact me when he cried over her grave, when he longed for her because i couldn't bring myself to do the same." Fidah paused when she saw him get up to give his chair to an old man, smiling softly she stood up as well, discarding her chai and handing the plate of bajiyas to him, while she clutched his other hand, walking back to the car.

"I am sure she would've loved me, but to me she didn't exist when I needed her, to be honest Baba was a very absent father as well, but at least he existed. So I let the idea of ever finding things go. I couldn't bring her back from the dead, I couldn't stop my father from going to the army, I couldn't do anything. The only reason I wanted to know how Baba and Dada Jaan were related because I didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't even need to exist." She said it so casually, like she wasn't casually trauma dumping on him.

"So it doesn't bother you that there are things you don't know about even though they are in plain sight?" He stopped walking facing her.

She shook her head negatively, picking up a bajiya and dipping it in the green chutney before popping it in her mouth.

"It doesn't bother you that I know of those things while you don't?" Zarrar said like a petulant child holding onto the plate of bajiyas as she dipped another one in chutney and told him to do "aah" before popping one in his mouth.

"No, Zarrar. But if you think I really, desperately need to know of it and you can't keep it to yourself then tell me."

"Arey.." He mumbled chewing on the food in his mouth fast. This was the last of the reactions he expected of her.

"I trust you enough. I know you will keep me safe from all these problems that plague me. I trust you with all that is unknown and known. After Allah, you are the only one that has saved me, and I will continue to believe so until the end of times." She said, dragging him away.

"Fidah.." It was beyond him how much she believed in him. If he was in her place he would've exploded till now, but she was so strong. "Okay..if that's what you want."

"Yes."

"Let's go home now, it's getting late." He sighed when they reached the car, he opened the door to her side and tucked her chadar in once she was seated.

"How come it's me who is ranting always? Why do you never tell me such gut-wrenching life-altering anecdotes?" Fidah pointed out.

"We have a few more chapters for that, besides I like hearing you talk." Zarrar smiled buckling in his seat belt after he got in from his side.

(a/n :breaking the third wall, ya'll)

"You never cry in front of me as well."

"You want me to cry?"

"Yes, just a little."

—-

its me hi, i'm the problem its me!

so so sorry my loves, its been a hot minute since the last update but life has been busy, idea was to finish this book before the end of the year but here we are.

how are you finding the story? dada jaan wasn't a pookie in his jawani, lol.

yes, Fidah's father is adopted. Not gonna give more context on that nor am i planning to discuss that further in the book. He is dead and that's all his role needs to be. any doubts put them here—->

laiq and his father's chapter also will close soon and we will concentrate on Fidah and Zarrar for the rest of the chapters :))

Fidah's true potential will open up hereafter so can't wait to write that!

Next chapter is their wedding! I'll upload it jaldi jaldi, already working on it.

until then please vote, comment &
share with your friends

love you
byee
~flawfully