•| anxiety |•

•••
tum aadat bano humari hum bigad jaayenge
tum ankhon se bataana hum samajh jaayenge
•••

Fidah had never been a moody brat. She wasn't ever given the privilege to throw tantrums-and have her way. She didn't allow herself as well because she knew she couldn't become a burden on someone, her life hadn't been granted that way. Even if there was an outlet to her emotions it was behind closed doors.

Zarrar Hamidi was the first man after her Baba that she had cried in front of. Even Laiq had only ever seen her angry tears, never the ones that left her vulnerable with a burn to the heart. The ones she cried behind closed doors. Her mind, body and soul were all unconsciously leaning towards a trance that he had created. He was all she thought about nowadays and in all honesty she wanted nothing more.

She sat in front of Zarrar's desk, keeping the black coffee she had grown accustomed to making since the past few days. It was a dark bitter brew that contained, 4 whole spoons of sugar. Initially she was mind blown at the atrocity of the beverage but it did make some sense after-all. The caffeine and sugar combined provided adrenaline rush like never before.

"Zarrar.."She began, her eyes scanning his fluid-precise movements as he typed away on his laptop. His eyes darting across the screen methodically.

"Jee.." Came his reply causing her heart to flutter in palpitations. His eyes still not meeting hers as he concentrated on the task before him.

"I want to ask you something."

That somehow grabbed his attention as he peered at her over the laptop, before shutting it close completely. He leaned back on his chair, his head tilting sideways asking her to continue.

"What kind of wife did you wish for?" She questioned, flustered at his undivided attention on her.

"Huh?"Came his puzzled reply causing her to giggle out loud.

"Ab maine aesa to koi astrophysics ka sawal nahi poocha, seedha sa question hai."

(I haven't asked a difficult astrophysics question.)

"In all honesty I never thought of what kind of wife I wanted. I had more important things to worry about." He replied, gracing her with a small smile.

"Did you never want to get married then?" Fidah feared for his answer but the question left her mouth before her mind could process information.

"I never thought I would." He replied candidly completely unaware of the storm it had started inside his wife.

Fidah's face paled, despite how much she tried reassuring herself, her mind was leading her down the paths of self loathing and pity. Nodding at him, she got up.
"I will get going then, Good Night."

Zarrar frowned at her odd behaviour but didn't stop her. Had he said something to upset her? He didn't ponder more than that, just continued about his work but his heart wasn't at rest nor was his mind. The thought that Fidah might go back to being reserved and cautious around him like before, left him tormented. What if he did do a mistake?
They had been making so much progress. She was opening up to him, sharing her thoughts. Finally recovering from all the times she was hurt. He would hate to ruin that.

Getting up, he made his way to her room, the door was unlocked so he opened. There she stood harshly running a brush through her hair, pulling it in anger, her face looked in the mirror with an emotion that resembled resentment.

Sighing loudly, she dropped the brush on the bed and sat down on the floor, leaning her head against the frame. Her hazel eyes troubled, she looked so close to having a nervous breakdown. Zarrar made his way towards her, picking up the brush, he stood in front of her.

Even though she could feel him around, she didn't look up, burning with embarrassment.

"Itne khubsoorat baalon ko kyu aziyat de rahi hai?" He softly murmured, sitting on the bed behind her.
(Why are you torturing such beautiful hair?)

"Ulajh gaye hai bohot." She whispered back, barely audible.
(They are beyond tangled)

"Mai suljha doon? Ijazat hai?" He whispered back just as softly.
(Can i untangle them? Do i have the permission?)

Wordlessly, Fidah got up parting his legs with her hands and sat down on the floor between them. Her back facing him. Zarrar's body froze at the proximity, his skin decorating with goosebumps.

Slowly, the brush in his hands started moving through her hair, his fingers running through the untangled hair that was left behind the comb. He did that with such care, such tenderness that Fidah felt like she was a china doll, who would break with just a touch. The torture she had inflicted on herself a few minutes back totally vanishing.

Skilfully dividing her dark brown tresses into three parts, he started braiding her hair. It wasn't long, just reaching a little below her shoulders but it was the prettiest thing he had ever laid his hands on.

"You know how to braid?" Fidah questioned when she figured what he was doing.

"Yes.. my sister hated getting her hair braided by Mama because she used to be very harsh. Pulling and oiling her hair until she cried out loud. So I learnt how to braid. It was my gift to her when I wasn't earning anything. Unlimited free braids for a lifetime." He replied, smiling at the memory he had cherished to his heart.

"What does one have to do to qualify for unlimited free braids for lifetime by Zarrar Hamidi?" She questioned fiddling with her fingers, his legs touching the side of her shoulders.

"You have to tell me every time something troubles you. You must promise to never put yourself through such pain. Whatever it is, we will discuss it and sort it out."

"It's very childish, Zarrar." She groaned burying her head in her hands.

"Nothing you ever say is childish, Fidah." He replied pulling her back by her shoulders.

"Fine! Oh god, this is embarrassing. I was slightly upset because I thought you never wanted to get married and here you are married to me."

"That was before I married you. Maybe my heart was waiting for the right person, maybe it was waiting for you. That's why I didn't want to get married. Tum pehli thodi mil kyu gayi? Tumhare toh bus intezaar mein hi itne saal guzar gaye." Zarrar's lips landed at the crown of her head, pecking her delicately.

Fidah's cheeks reddened, as she abruptly got up turning towards him. Her body dancing in the rhythms of his words.

"Aapne mujhe kiss kiya hai?" She questioned fazed as her hazel eyes bored into his grey ones.
(Did you just kiss me?)

He nodded his head, his own ears turning red. He saw no point in denying something that he enjoyed doing.

"Mujhe pata hai aap roz raat ko waise bhi mujhe kiss karte hai, jab mein soyi hui hoti hoon."She accused him pointedly, her hands on her hips.
(I know how you kiss me every night. When i am asleep.)

His eyes widened in shock, has she been awake all the times he came to her room to blow duas over her head? He had been so restless since her nightmare the other day that he visited her every night when she was asleep and blew over all the duas he knew. He had even learnt a few new ones just for her safety. And he also may not had sneakily sealed the deal with an innocent forehead kiss.
"Accha?"

"I dreamt about you last night." She replied, taking slow steps towards him, her knees touching his, even though he was sitting.
"I dreamt that you were letting me go. You were leaving me alone and walking away, far far away. Into a fog, where I couldn't see you."

She gazed at him with hearts for eyes, swirling with adoration and pain. Her hand fleeting towards his forehead, pressing against his frown lines, melting them to softness.
"I ran behind you, screaming for you to stop. But you didn't. I sat down on the ground sobbing, all I felt was pain. So hopeless, so lost. And then suddenly I felt your arms around me. Like the times you hold me back together when I am bawling my eyes out. You held me together once again and I was home."

Fidah's fingers ran across his cheeks that were covered with a thick beard, her hands having a life of their own. Just as they were about to touch his lips, he held her wrist and pulled her down on to his lap. Wrapping his hands around her waist, his face impossibly close to hers.
"Is this okay, Fidah?"

"It feels like my dream. You are making me needy for your affection and care, Zarrar." She breathed, resting her cheek against the material of his shirt.

"Then be needy, jaanum. Be as needy as you can with me. I will give you anything you want, everything. I will give you the whole fucking world if you want." He replied, caressing her hair softly.

Just being close to him gave Fidah so much comfort, she wanted to melt into his arms, into his skin. Smell like his expensive perfume all the time. Her heart was going erratic at his words and it desperately wanted to give in.

Before she could reply, a loud voice echoed from the open door causing the duo to jump away from each other.

"Lala! What are you doing?!" The brunette questioned, a child on her hip. Her protruding belly against the confines of her maxi gave away that she was pregnant.

"Layla?" Zarrar frowned, his eyes darting towards the clock in the room that read 9:45 pm and then to his sister.

"Are you okay?" He added, walking upto her and taking his niece from her hands but she swatted him away.

"Who is she?!" Layla fumed, her pale skin turned red, as she glared daggers at her brother and Fidah.

Zarrar shared a look with Fidah, but didn't reply to her question, instead took his niece in his arms who was already cooing happily in his direction.

"Where is Ibrahim? Did you come here alone? It's almost midnight. Layla!" He fired, now glaring back equally.

"You answer me first! Kya chichore kaam kar rahe hai aap? Haram hai ye haram!" Layla said, throwing her hands in the air.

"Layla.." He angrily began, but his other niece stormed in with her father on her tail carrying bags, Wardah wrapped her arms around his legs clinging to it like a monkey.

"Mamuu! We are sleeping over at your place todayy!" She beamed causing Zarrar to pat her head, his eyes still glaring at his sister.

"Ya man, I urgently have to travel back to.." Ibrahim began, dropping the bags but Layla cut him off.

"Lala, if you don't tell me this instance what is going on, I am going to ask Ibrahim to bash your head into a wall!" Layla fumed.

"And I will bash Ibrahim's head into the same wall if he even so much touches me." Zarrar replied curtly.

"Why am I even being involved in this murderous conversation of yours?!" Ibrahim cried out, taking his youngest daughter from Zarrar.

"Mamu? Who is she?" Little Wardah's voice added, causing all heads to turn to Fidah who stood squirming in nervousness.

"Yes Lala, WHO IS SHE?"

"Who is she, Zarrar?"

"What a nuisance your whole family is!" Zarrar grumbled closing his eyes in annoyance before he took a deep breath.

"Her name is Fidah and she is my wife"

———

Zarrar had finished explaining everything to his sister and brother in law while Fidah sat down with the two kids. Wardah, the uptight six year old she was, understood the situation and was still very wary of Fidah as she scrutinised her beloved Mamu's wife. While, the naive younger toddler, Izzah, pulled at her cheeks and sloppily drooled over Fidah. She had already taken a liking to the new person.

"Wow, my head is spinning." Layla replied dazed as leaned back on Ibrahim who was just as awestruck.

"Sit down, Layla." Zarrar said, handing a glass of water to her.

"Begani shaadi mein, Lala deewane." She suddenly giggled gulping down the water. "Is that why your phone was busy the entire week?"

"Why didn't you tell anyone about this?" Ibrahim questioned when Zarrar pointedly brooded, refusing to reply to her question.

"Dada Jaan is hiding something. I am a hundred percent sure he knows who Fidah is. Plus, she has just lost her father and the trauma of this marriage is not something she needs." He replied his eyes moving to Fidah in the living room as she tried playing with Wardah who just stared her down.

"Is she okay with this marriage? It wouldn't have been easy on her." Layla began, her eyes following his. "She must've had dreams, aspirations. First she was forced to marry her cousin and now you. She was never given a choice."

"Her uncle is Raahil Durrani, Zarrar. She is going to be hunted down sooner or later. If he is after her property then he isn't going to stop until he has her." Ibrahim added.

Just then, Zarrar's mind reeled into a million possibilities of harm befalling her. He wouldn't let that happen. He was going to protect her with all that was in his blood.

"Weren't the Durrani's the rivalling party to the Hamidi's back in the day?" Ibrahim said.

"Ya, When Dada Jaan disbanded the party, leaving politics, the Durrani's took over." Zarrar affirmed. His father would've known as well. It was quite possible that their families were connected, even if it was through hatred.

"The Durrani's and Peerzada's have formed an alliance. Laiq Durrani is married to Wafa Peerzada now. Their political power is nothing short of affluent. Why is Raahil Durrani behind a measly property that is under Fidah's name?" Ibrahim questioned, rubbing his forehead.

"Enough of this both of you. The main point is, when are you going to tell our family about this marriage?" Layla interjected.

"Not now, not before everything is sorted out." Zarrar replied, shrugging his shoulders.

"Arsalan is getting married next month, Lala. You will have to come home."

Zarrar shook his head, dismissing her tension ridden queries. He wasn't worried about facing his family. He was just worried about how it would affect Fidah. There was so much lie riddled even in the truth and he was certain he wanted to keep her away from any tension, any worries.

"Why are you guys suddenly here?"

"Ibrahim's Dad met with a minor accident so he is flying out of the country for a few days." Layla replied sighing, her brother was hopeless when it came to sharing his problems, feelings or even thoughts.

"You could've called me. I would've picked them up. How is uncle?" Zarrar knew Layla was in the 7th month of pregnancy and it was a risk to leave her all alone with two kids. Their home was way towards the outskirts so leaving them here was the best option.

Soon enough, Ibrahim took his leave, while the children insisted they watch a horror movie. Well Wardah requested that despite her mother's disapproval. Izzah had drifted off to sleep and Layla had taken her to the room.

Now sat Wardah in between Zarrar and Fidah, her eyes twinkling with excitement as the screen lit up with the warner brothers logo. Fidah and Zarrar shared a look of amusement as Wardah, snuggled inside the blanket that was covering her.

"Mamuu! This isn't a horror movie. It's Harry Potter." She cried out sooner than expected.

"This is the last part. It's so much scarier than the initial ones. You haven't seen that yet right?" That somehow convinced her because of the dark themes that were evident, soon enough she drifted off into sleep, her head resting against Fidah's chest and legs spayed over Zarrar.

"I don't think she likes me very much." Fidah whispered softly as her hands ran through Wardah's curls.

"She doesn't like a lot of people very much. Give her time, she'll warm up to you." Zarrar replied, his heart warming up to her actions.

"Zarrar.." Fidah began, her eyes meeting his. There was visible anxiety on her face but she couldn't voice out her words.

"It's okay, jaanum." Zarrar murmured softly his hands itching to touch hers. To take her soft hands in his and relieve her off the jumbled nervousness, but he refrained.
"I am here for whenever you find the words to convey your worries. You don't have to go through this alone."

Fidah nodded her head timidly, her heart finding some comfort in his words. Her entire life she had learnt to suppress her emotions and deal with them alone, now just his words were rendering her into a puddle of fondness and gratitude. She valued him so much that she was afraid he had ruined her for anyone else.

"Fidah.." He called out, bringing her out of the reverie. He now stood with a sleeping Wardah in his arms.

"Will you get up by yourself or do you want me to carry you too?" He questioned a teasing glint shimmering in his eyes behind his glasses.

Fidah blushed deep crimson at his words, she abruptly got up, following behind her husband who had a smile so wide on his face like he had just won a nobel prize.
Safe to say, Fidah didn't overthink the entire night, she was just utterly and desperately lost in the thoughts of Zarrar Hamidi.

____

guysss another chapter down :))

next chapter will have yaseen and dina soo leave lots of comments and vote please!!
I am hoping this book hits 300k reads before I publish the 20th chapter.

How did you like the chapter, btw?
Was it boring?

Lots of lovee
Byee
- flawfully