Chapter Twenty-One:

Joelle

The day started out normally. I rolled out of bed at 7am, went to the restroom, showered, ate breakfast, and then brushed my teeth (which is a twice a day activity, thank you very much). This boring morning routined was finished by 8am, which was when I left my apartment, locked the door, and went down the stairs out into the fresh air of London. Which was actually quite cloudy and cold, causing me to pull the army green jacket closer to my body and stick my hands into the pockets. Wednesdays really weren't the most enjoyable day out of the week, but Blake and I were going to go shopping in the city tomorrow so it made today a little more anticipated. I got to work by 9am, and was on the air by 10am. 

"This is Joelle Parker from Mess 95.6. How are you all doing this fine morning? I have a request here from Camila, asking for us to play Lego House by Ed Sheeran! He is easily one of the most talented guys out there, so here you go Camila, this is Ed Sheeran with his beautiful song Lego House."

I swiveled around in my chair, eying the bottle of water that was resting by the desk. My mouth made a smacking noise and I realized that water was extremely important at this moment of time. Before I could even get off my chair, I was interrupted by the sudden swinging of the door to the studio. It surprised me to say the least, since we have a closed door policy during radio hours. We had a window next to said door, so there was no reason for added noises like the slamming of wood on wood. 

It was even more surprising to see that I knew the guy who had just entered the studio with a bouquet of flowers.

"What are you doing here?" I said quietly, eyes wide in shock. Zayn's smile grew as he advanced, extending the roses towards me. I didn't take them from him.

"I'm on break, thought I'd stop by?" His step faltered a second, his expression suddenly unreadable.

"Oh, that's nice." I nodded slowly, aware of the fact that four of my co-workers were staring at me with little smirks. My heart was beating like crazy against my t-shirt, and my breathing was a bit off. I took one deep breath in, before glancing back towards the microphone. 

"I'm out of sight,

I'm out of mind. 

I'll do it all for you in time. 

And out of all these things I've done,

I think I love you better now.

I'm out of touch,

I'm out of love. 

I'll pick you up when you're getting down. 

And out of all these things I've done, 

I will I love you better now."

"Sorry, Zayn, I have to get back to work." I backed up without looking behind me, almost falling over myself as I stepped on a cord. I shook my head quickly, taking a seat and pushing the 'on' button. "That was Lego House by Ed Sheeran. And um, next, uh, well, next we have, well." I stuttered horribly, trying to focus my attention back onto the music. "This is She, by um, Parachute."

Quickly pushing the button to end the torture that my inability to talk was causing, I looked back at Zayn. He looked so confused, just holding the flowers in his hand and unsure of what to say or do. I sighed, looking down at my sheet that had today's show list on it. 

I wanted to laugh in pure irony that Best Song Ever by One Direction was on the list of required songs to be played.

"Brian, would you mind, uh, taking over for a moment?" I said it so quietly that Brian asked me to repeat it. I did and he nodded, all while smiling as if he knew the world's biggest secret. I took ahold of Zayn's arm and took him out of the studio and into the hallway. Realizing we would only be out of earshot if we went outside, I headed towards the exit. Once we were along the street, out of the view of cars, I turned to him with an emotion that I couldn't explain.

He extended the flowers one last time and this time I accepted, placing them on the ground beside me - careful to not crush them.

"What are you doing here?" I asked again, this time hoping for a different answer.

"You've been ignoring me and I couldn't wait any longer to hear from you."

"Why?"

"Because you're my girlfriend and I care for you. Not hearing from you was killing me." Zayn said straight out, no pauses or anything.

"Why are we dating?"

He looked taken aback. "What's with all the questions?"

"Just hear me out, Zayn. If we date for three years, what will be the expectation then?" I asked, I tried my best to not sound accusing but my heart was thumping against my chest and I had no idea how to get it through to him. It wasn't because of him, or that it wasn't going well. It went so much deeper than that.

"Expectations?" His head tilted to the side, like a puppy does when it hears a strange sound for the first time. He was trying to understand and I knew that, but it just wasn't clicking in his brain what I was trying to get across. He grabbed my hand, holding onto it tightly. 

"When you meet a couple that has been dating for three years, tell me three things you automatically assume about them." I rephrased, tugging my hand out of his.

It was harder to let go than I thought it would be.

"They're in love, they live together, their relationship is going well?" After every answer, Zayn paused - as if to ask if he was on the right track. 

I tried to not focus on the adorableness that was written across his features when he was so confused by what was going on; this wasn't a typical conversation between the two of us, I was attempting to break up with him. I couldn't be like those girls in the movies that just go 'frick this' and kiss the guy senseless, forgetting the reason for the conversation in the first place.

"Exactly! I can't do that! Dating leads to marriage, marriage is commitment, marriage means love, and marriage starts a family! I'm not ready, I never even thought about getting married before!" The words flew out of my mouth, the pent up emotions from the day we started dating just spewed out. 

"Are you angry with me?"

The question was sudden and unexpected. I half thought he would argue that marriage isn't bad, that it didn't have to end that way. We were both quiet for a while, as I thought about his question.

Finally I replied. "No. I'm never angry at you. I'm angry with myself, because I knew this would happen and that feelings would arise eventually. I knew that you would coax me out of my shell. I'm angry that I didn't say no that day when you asked me out. I was intrigued, I felt like someone was listening for the first time, it was a new experience. I should have known better."

"Fine. I guess you won't have to worry about that anymore, huh?" Zayn's body language was so tensed up that I knew he was frustrated. I didn't blame him at all. He probably hated me now, but isn't that what I wanted? Didn't I want to go back to the way things were? Just as suddenly as he tensed up, he relaxed, instead looking like he had lost a favorite toy.

Silence owned that street, neither of us willing to break it. We were both so overwhelmed and unsure, but I wouldn't let myself feel guilty. Unable to stop myself, I stepped forward to give him a brief kiss on the cheek. "Goodbye Zayn. I'll never regret knowing you, but I think it's too much for me. I'm not someone who is comfortable with intrusions of privacy. I've heard so many stories from celebrities, and I don't want to feel like that. I want to continue with my life being hidden. I'm sorry."

With that, I started to walk away, trying to keep my eyes free of tears.

"I love you," he called out after me and it made me freeze in my spot. 

I felt like someone had just stepped on my heart and was trying to pulverize it. That's when the tear slipped out, rolling down my cheek. That feeling you get when you just can't keep from breaking down took over my entire body. I refused to look at him, that would only cause more tears.

"You don't, Zayn. You can't love someone like me, I'm not lovable. I'm too broken to be loved the way you think you love me. I told you that I don't fall in love, I don't do this. Just enjoy your life, okay? Don't worry about me, I'm used to being on my own. Go find a girl who will love you the way you want to be loved." I said it without turning around, but I knew he could hear me.

"You are that girl, Joelle." His voice was weak, but I could hear the pain that was laced through the words.

"No, I'm not." 

_______

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