24th of April, 2021

It was Friday later that week, and I had only exchanged a couple of text messages with Dom since our meet up on Sunday. Mostly to tell him that I was alright, and that he didn't have to worry. But I knew I had to call him. I owed him an explanation.
During the day, I had gotten several texts from Sepi, telling me to do exactly that.
My worries made me tap and blink. Like always.
I was sitting on the chair by my desk that overlooked the street below. My phone was placed right in front of me, and I had Dom's contact information already up on the screen. Ready to press dial.
I suppose part of me was scared that he wouldn't answer.
Or that he would, and he'd be angry with me.
Even though I knew he wouldn't be.
And that I wasn't supposed to confuse him with Sam.
Maybe that was why I was going to call him normally, and not on FaceTime, like we had done for most of the time since we had started talking again.
Anxiously, I swallowed before hitting the call button.
He picked up just after a couple of tones.
"Hi", he said, and his warm tone somehow instantly soothed me, even just for a second.
"Hi", I managed to reply, my voice quiet. "I'm sorry I didn't call earlier-"
"No, don't be. I could've called too, y'know", he told me, not accepting my apology. "Both you and I know that you needed a bit of time. And I'm glad to hear from you"
I could hear how he was smiling because of his tone.
I looked down, with my ear still pinned to my phone.
I was tapping while repeating the things I wanted to say over and over in my head.
"I just wanted to tell you...", I started to say. "To tell you that it wasn't your fault on Sunday", I concluded the sentence. Before he could get a word in, I continued. "And that I would like to be with you. If you'll have me", I said, but I wasn't quite finished yet. "But before you answer, there are some things you need to know-", and with that, Dom cut me off.
"Of course I'll have you", he said as if there was no other correct answer. Like it was obvious.
Even though it was warming to hear, I couldn't let myself accept it.
"Don't answer yet. I need to tell you something before you do", I told him, keeping to the plan. Dom stayed quiet for a few seconds, as if he was pondering about something.
"I'm just a couple of minutes away from your building, and I'm still COVID free. I can come by, and we can go sit somewhere, and you can tell me in person?", he asked me. I scrunched my forehead, feeling confused.
"Aren't you back at Syracuse?", I bluntly asked him.
"I just stayed a little longer", he replied caringly, trying to brush it off.
"Why?", I asked him.
"I didn't have to go back", Dom told me, and he paused for a second before admitting the next thing. "And I wanted to make sure that you were okay"
On the one hand, this was warming to hear. But, on the other, it made me feel like a weight had been put on my shoulders.
"You didn't have to", I quietly told him, as I nervously tapped against my thigh in the pattern I liked. "You don't have to feel like it was your fault, because it wasn't-"
"I know that Ruthers. But it wasn't yours either", he pointed out, cutting me off. It was the first time he had called me that since we had started talking again. "So can I see you?"
I hesitantly looked out the window.
It was a nice day, and the spring sun was warming the city.
Anyone would've wanted to spend this day outside.
But I hadn't gone outside my dorm since Sunday.
I looked towards my locked door.
My heart rate went up, just thinking about it.
Yet despite my failure on Sunday, I couldn't ignore how much I was actually longing for Dom.
I really wanted to see him. I really did.
Even though every part of my body didn't want me to go outside.
"Sure", I forced out. "I'm COVID free too", I added, just to ensure him.
"Right. I'm there in 10"

It took me longer than that to get out the door and out on the street, where he was patiently waiting. For once, he didn't actually have a bike with him. But his camera was, like always, hung over his shoulder. His face lit up when he saw me. I tried to smile back at him, as I walked down the steps.
"Sorry, it took a little longer-", I said, feeling a little ashamed about being late. We stood two meters apart, our faces covered with blue surgical masks.
The sight of him made me realise how much I actually had missed him.
"No worries", he assured me. "Are you okay?"
I nodded, even though I wasn't completely.
"Are you?", I asked him, because I knew I had worried him on Sunday, and probably now too.
"Yeah", he replied. "Just got the vaccine this morning, so I'm pretty great", he added, as he put his hand on his upper left arm. I smiled at him.
"That's great", I replied, trying to keep up with the conversation without being distracted by everything else that was going on around us. "And you feel fine?"
He shrugged his shoulders.
"Well, yes, this far. I know you got a little ill, but I'm hoping I'll stay in the clear", he told me, and as always, he was being the optimist of the two of us.
We started walking. We hadn't decided on where, but somehow, we had decided that we were going to walk.
"I hate being sick, so I'm just glad if the symptoms from the vaccine is all I get and that I don't end up with COVID anyway", I said, keeping my head down to make sure I didn't step on any cracks in the ground.
"A little too late for me. I actually had it in August", Dom told me. I looked up at him, surprised by what he was saying. "On my birthday and everything"
"You did?", I asked him with a surprised look on my face and he nodded. "Why haven't you told me?", I asked, to which he cracked a laugh.
"Cause I didn't want to worry you. And we weren't really talking at that point. Was I supposed to answer your happy birthday text with a thanks, I've got covid?", he said, explaining himself and cracking a laugh. I nodded, feeling a little embarrassed to have asked him that. "But it was fine, or it wasn't great, but it wasn't horrible. I was just worried about if I had gotten Flo sick. But she didn't, thankfully", he continued to explain, scratching the back of his head as if he was thinking.
"That's good", I told him, after briefly giving him a look, before looking down at the ground again.
"We can go to the park that's just around the corner here?", Dom suggested.
I nodded.
"Yeah", I replied, and followed his lead, as he snuck into the green room in the middle of the bustling city. Before I knew it, he had found a bench, and we sat down on each side of it, with a clear separation between us.
He held out an iced tea for me.
The ones that I could only find in certain stores.
"Sorry, I improvised and saw these in your local shop-", Dom apologized.
"It's actually still my favourite", I told him, accepting it with a slight smile.
He cracked a laugh, not surprised by my answer.
"So you wanted to tell me something?", he asked me, knowing I needed a bit of a push. I put the small carton down next to me.
"Yeah. Just promise you won't say anything until I tell you that you can", I began to say, as I hesitantly gave him a worried look.
"Sure", he told me, nodding.
Seeing his optimism was making my stomach knot itself over and over.
"I really didn't want to put you in that position on Sunday. It wasn't fair on you", I told him, talking slowly as if I was tasting the words before I'd let them be spoken. To be fair, I had gone through the speech in my mind hundreds of times over the last few days in order to make it come across how I wanted it to.
"I'm not even sure why I reacted like that", I said, but I was already getting the speech wrong. I tapped harder, still hiding my hands from his sight. "Or, I know why, I just don't want to think about why"
I took a deep breath.
"Because I like you, Dom. I never stopped liking you", and as I said that, I looked at him. I could see that it had made him smile. "But I also want you to know that you have an out. Like, this is your receipt that you can take back to the store"
I fell quiet.
I had more to say, but I hadn't decided on whether I was going to mention it yet.
"What makes you think that I want to have an out?", Dom hesitantly asked me, after carefully contemplating whether he should speak or not.
"Because I might be a disappointment", I told him.
"I don't think you are", Dom instantly replied, sounding sure.
"Did you go out with anyone else in the last few years?", I asked him bluntly. "I hope you did", I added, smiling at him.
"Well, yeah, and they were great-", Dom started, sounding confused as he kindly replied to my blunt question. "But they weren't you"
And as he said that, something broke within me.

Part of me had felt exactly that when I was with Sam.
But I had just shaken that feeling, and settled on Sam, because I knew Dom deserved better than me.
In all honesty, Sam had been as far away from Dom as possible.
But I had only realized that until I was in over my head.
And I had become a disappointment.

I looked down at my hands.
They were shaking.
I knew I needed to tell him.
"Because I met this guy. First semester of freshman year", I hesitantly told Dom, keeping my eyes pinned on my hands and the ground. "We're not together anymore, we broke up after two, three months-", I added in a slightly stressful way, worried that Dom would interpret it wrong. "And he wasn't you either"
"How was he, then?", Dom asked me unknowingly, sounding happy for me.
"He um... His name was Sam. He was a senior. He was...", I began to say, anxiously swallowing. "He was kind, a-and interested in me. And I guess he made me feel good. At... at least in the beginning", I continued, practically having to force the words out of my mouth. I kept my eyes on the ground, refusing to look at Dom as I tried to explain myself. He was quiet, listening carefully to what I had to say. Like he had promised.
"It went slow but also fast, and I didn't really notice it, because he was really nice to me too. He... he, um...", I tried to make my sentences make sense, but I kept stopping like a broken record. "He started to notice my routines after a while", I had to make use of every single part of myself in order to get the words out, as I unwillingly tapped. "And I guess he- he didn't like them?"
The last thing I said sounded like a question.
"Rue-" Dom tried to interrupt, but I just shook my head, still keeping myself from looking at him.
"He told me to hide them. Or stop. And he'd get angry if I didn't manage to do that. Verbally. Sometimes physically", I quietly forced the words out. I hadn't told anyone, not really. Only Emily. "And I know that I, out of anyone, should have realized that it wasn't okay-", I continued. "But he did nice things too", I took a deep breath. "So I didn't really notice. Or I did. Because I told myself that it was fine, I guess"
I briefly looked at him, and instantly regretted it.
Part of me was prepared for him to leave at any second.
He seemed taken aback by what I was telling him.
He looked worried. More than worried, in a sense.
And when he saw me glance at him, he raised his eyebrows and nodded as if to say that I could go on.
In a sense, he showed his support.
Because he knew that telling things like this was hard for me.
They would be hard for anyone to tell.
"And I am really sorry about Sunday. But when you said that you wanted to be with me, a part of me just started thinking about how it ended the last time I tried to be with someone-", I told him, as I could feel my heart racing from the anxiety. "Even though all of me really want to be with you"
Dom shifted in his seat.
"What do you mean with how it ended?", and even though he was trying to sound calm, I could hear how my story had enraged him. "You don't have to tell me", he quickly added. Always reassuring me.
My stomach knotted itself again.
I had tried to tiptoe around the subject, but Dom always noticed there was something more. And he always asked about it. Just in case I had something more to say. Just in case I wasn't sure if I was going to say something.

I looked out into the nothingness.
The sounds were loud.
My thoughts were louder.

"Um...", I began, searching for the words to say it. "It was right before Christmas. Sam had taken me home after a night out. I never really drink, but he had suggested that I'd get one drink to celebrate him having passed his exam. And I didn't want to make him angry, so I had one. After that one drink I don't have any clear memories", I told him in a surprisingly calm fashion. "Just flashes of things that happened. When I woke up the next morning, Em was sleeping on the floor next to me and our room was a mess. The blue lamp that we had found at a thrift shop was in pieces all over the floor. I loved that lamp"
Dom was quiet, trying to process what I was telling him.
"He drugged you?", Dom finally said, his voice breaking half way through. I didn't answer. Not really. I just sat, looking out. Not reacting whatsoever. "What else did he do?", his voice was heartbroken.
I didn't dare to look his way.
I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep it together.
"I think you know what he did", I said, not wanting to tell him the words. "And I know I shouldn't focus on the lamp, but it's easier-", I added in a panic, worried that I would seem emotionally unavailable to him.
"No, um, of course-", Dom said, cutting me off, as he ran his fingers through his hair in a worried and upset manner. "F*ck, I should've tried better to stay in touch with you, then maybe-", he said, his voice quiet and there was an undertone of range. The sudden swear word caught me off guard. Dom never swore. "What was his name again?"
I kept my head down, still looking at my fiddling hands.
"Sam", I replied.
"Sam what?", Dom asked me. In a way, he sounded furious, and in another, he sounded contained.
"There's no point, Dom. He didn't come back after Christmas, and then COVID hit...", I said, still somehow defending this person that had once made my life miserable.
"Did you go to the police? Did you tell NYU-", Dom continued to ask me, trying to understand the situation like any person would.
I could feel the tears burning behind my eyes.
"No. There wasn't much to say. He was my boyfriend, and I had been drinking. Only Em knows. She's the one who broke it up", I forced out. "No one would believe me. Or her"
The first tear rolled down my cheek.
I quickly dried it.
"I do", Dom told me.
I didn't know how to reply to that.
More tears came.
Turned away from him, I tried to dry them.
Still hiding.
I wasn't sure if I'd ever stop.
"I just want to make it better", Dom suddenly said.
I took a deep breath, but the tears just kept on rolling down.
I started to violently shake my head.
"I understand if you won't have me after this", I forced out, feeling the tension in my jaw as I spat the words out.
"Hey-", Dom said, and suddenly I could see how he was holding out a hand for me. "Only take it if you feel comfortable with it. I'm still COVID free and, as of this morning, vaccinated. And I just can't stand to see you like this anymore and not be able to do something-", and as he said that, I slowly reached out and put my hand in his. He squeezed it tightly. His touch was gentle, reassuring me that he wasn't going anywhere. The feeling of his hand embracing mine was relieving. It was everything that I had longed for in these last couple of months, without having even realized I needed it so deeply. Holding his hand was freeing. It was acceptance.
Without a second thought, I suddenly leaned into his arms.
It surprised me, but also Dom.
He put his arms around me, as I leaned my head into his shoulder.
"It's alright", Dom said, his voice trembling even though he was trying to sound calm. He was crying. "I've got you. I will always have you"

—————
Heya!
Thought I'd publish this now too, as I had it on hand. A quite emotional chapter to write. I've made so many edits to this that I can't keep track on them, and now I just thought that I had to publish it. Or I was never going to🫡

I've officially gone home for the holidays. It doesn't feel very festive yet, but I think that's because all of the snow is gone. It's like it's February all of a sudden? But I know it's going to get a lot more festive over the next couple of days. I'm seeing a bunch of family and friends and I'm just very excited to be back in my home town for the first time since September. With that said, if you are celebrating a holiday this season, how are you celebrating?🥰

Anyways, I hope you liked the chapter and this little three part story of Rue and Dom finally getting back together. I'm working on a few chapters that's set a few more years in the future at the moment, so it was actually quite nice to go back to this every once in a while. If you have any suggestions — tell me! Maybe I'll have a way to incorporate them into this book?📚👀

With that said, I don't think I'll get to publish another chapter before Christmas. I hope you will have a lovely holiday season, whether you celebrate or not💛

Sincerely,
H