[A/N:

Before anything, trigger warnings and mentions of: self-harm, obsessive thoughts and suicide.

Hi there! So, I hope you're ready for a 5000 word chapter. A comebacks of comebacks. And sorry I've been rather quiet during the past months. I hope you are staying safe and is well during these uncertain times. I know for one, that it's hard to comprehend and cope with. But we can get through this - and I hope this chapter will bring you back to 2016, away from current events. Let's escape together, shall we?

And when writing this, I found myself listening to several songs - all of which I've probably had in A/Ns before. But, here we go.
Arms unfolding - Dodie
Empty man - Orla Gartland
Motion sickness - Phoebe Bridgers
Life on Mars - Lazarus the Musical, Sophia Anne Caruso

I hope you enjoy the chap!]

Rue's POV
I felt my heart beat in every single particle of my body. The doorbell continuously ringing in my ears, repeating the events. Hurting, pressuring and making me feel so little in my safe corner of the world, the corner that suddenly didn't feel so safe anymore.

But, it wasn't ringing anymore. My head had it on repeat, like a tape stuck in a cassette player. My head was pounding. I felt like I couldn't sleep, nor could I stay awake - stuck, unable to do the things I had to do. I was on the line, feeling the fatigue coming in, while hearing everything so clearly. Feeling it all. From words three doors away, to an ambulance three blocks down - the sirens, the ares and yous, the ambience of silence. The panic running through my veins from the loud noise, reminding me of what had happened as the sirens took over, dominating my mind palace. The wrongs of my body. The wrongs of my room. The wrongs of my behaviour. Punching myself with thoughts and words.
Why did you have to react like that?
Why can't you just be normal?
Why aren't you tapping?
Tap. Tap. Count. Count.
Nothing could ever drown that out. Even if it sounded muffled, in the back of my head.
How many pills did you take?
1-2-3-4-5-6.
6?
You should've taken more. You need to take 2 more.
Why aren't you getting up?
Tap. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8-
I couldn't get up.
I was just so tired; but every time I closed my eyes something flashed before them.
9, 10, 11, 12-

I pushed the pictures of the ambulance - nurses and ambulance personnel bowing above me, the light stinging my eyes, the feeling of losing control - into the back of my head, ignoring it in the best way I possibly could. In the way that it pressed on my brain up until the moment where I couldn't take it anymore.
You have to get out of the way.
I couldn't freak out. Not again. Not for the fourth time in the last 24 hours.
Blink, will you?

Through the door, that was kept slightly open, I could hear Chris speaking to Lin.
"...I didn't think it was this bad, Lin, I-I...will she be alright?", Chris asked, sounding a bit shaken up, stopping mid sentence to change the direction of the sentence.
I could almost envision Lin shaking his head to make him change subject. My stomach twisted in knots, making them twisting onto each other - growing bigger and bigger as I realised he'd gotten instructions not to talk about me, in front of me. Or whenever I could hear or eavesdrop, since they were standing right by the doorframe - near enough for both privacy and for Lin to keep on eye on me.
"Yeah", Lin replied, rejecting the subject of the conversation with a quick yeah, trying to steer it elsewhere.
No, I thought, I need to go back to the way I was. Then I'll be alright. Normal.
23, 24, 25, 26-
His voice was stable, keeping it together by a thread - not for Chris, but for me. So that I wouldn't panic because of a couple of words. I could feel his eyes glancing towards me, hearing him back up to check on me.
I'm in the way, I could hear myself thinking. You're in the way, making me believe it even harder.
"We'll just take it easy from now on. Could you tell Pippa?", the few words represented so many more, censuring them from my ears.
Filling in the gaps, routines started to stack up - like, she's like this. She's a freak. She can't control herself. In the way, sabotaging for me and Vanessa. Can't even be home by herself. Keeping me from going to work. Abnormal. Needy. An obstacle. Annoying. A hold-up. That's Rue. That's you.
"Of course. Take care, man. Not only of her, but of yourself too-", Chris said, as I saw him put his hand on Lin's shoulder. "See you!"
In the way.
Get out the way.
Everything would be so much easier if you were out of the way.
Everything.
"Yeah, yeah, bye!", Lin said, not moving from his spot as I heard Chris walking towards the door, opening and closing it as quietly as he could.

Lin gave me a quick glance, assuming that I was asleep, and quickly walked over to the door and locked it.
Nor did he just lock it, but 4 times. For me.
Can't you see? You're keeping him from living a normal life.
Weight added to the knots in my stomach, pulling me down to earth, complying a thousand times more with gravity than a second before.
I swallowed, squinting my eyes closed, only to blink so hard that it'd hurt - biting my cheek so violently that I'd soon taste the iron in my mouth as the blood got released.
Don't you dare freak out.

Still tapping, I heard Lin coming into my room, seeing him walk towards me between each blink, like in a stop motion movie - one picture, one frame.
The world was hesitating around me, put on hold. One that was getting blurrier and blurrier by each blink. Or it was I, a streetlight choking on the heat, the world turning around me - while, I'm just, tapping, blinking, scratching, hurting, just frozen to my seat.
"Rue-Rue?", Lin said, but it was distant. His unreadable face was blurry, changing into the face that had been forced and burned into the back of my mind. "Shhh..."
Get out of the way. Remember?
"I'm okay", I whispered, forcing the words out of my mind - them being held back with all the power that it had. The tiny, everyday, gesture leaving me exhausted, like a worned out rag.
"No, you're not-", his face turned into the journalist's, as his voice remained his own. He put his hand in mine, the touch making me tense, my body instantly wanting to get away - whereas I, at the same time, just wanted to hold his hand. Lin's hand.

Everything I once loved had been unwillingly redesigned right before my eyes. And I couldn't stop it.
"I-", my voice cracked.

And so, I heard the same ambulance pass by again, interrupting me.
I gasped, couldn't get a word out.
I felt the panic coming onto me again, the adrenaline pumping through my body.
I couldn't stop it this time. A train running into the station, planning to stop and stay - or running through it, unable to stop, like in Hugo Cabret. And I was Hugo, unable to get out of the way.

Its siren ringing in my ear, making the scenes of those hours play before my eyes, like flashbacks in a coming-of-age movie.
It was all going too fast, making me feel sick.
Like emotional motion sickness, everything going past too fast for my head to cope.
Why couldn't I roll the window down anymore?
My pulse went off the racks.

I pulled away from his hand, a hand that I suddenly didn't know. I couldn't recall, couldn't recognize the lines of his palm nor its finger prints.
To my relief and fright, he unwillingly let go of my hand, as I could feel myself tapping to the beat of my heart in slow motion, seeing the shadow of the journalist and then, the ambulance personnel hover over me.
All in stop motion, flickering back and forth between a very concerned Lin and the shadows of the incident.
I could barely hear him or make out a word of what he was saying.

I think I closed my eyes.

But, there was only him there. The journalist.
My body screamed, searching for a way out.
Get out of the f*cking way.
I was stuck. No way out.

I think I put my hand over my mouth, keeping myself from shouting.
I could feel the dryness of old tears being covered in wetness of new ones.
Swallowing, I counted in panic and distress, hoping for it to go away.

I could feel someone wiping my tears, a fingerprint that I recognized. I didn't know how long it had been. Lin's hand. A hand, one that I know, one that took mine again, removing it from my mouth in such gentle manner - afraid to break the fragile box that was me.
The slightest bits of relief came onto me, confused by what I wanted and still, at the same time, didn't want.
"Rue-Rue, it's going to be alright, shhh...", Lin's voice somehow broke through the barrier, holding my hand ever so carefully. "Count with me, okay, niñita?"
Don't answer.
When I didn't respond, he just started.
"One", he said.
One, I thought, mouthing the word, as I squeezed my eyes together four times more.
"Two", he looked at me, worrisome and caring, continuously wiping my tears with the tips of his fingers.
Two.
"Three...", his voice waiting for me, as I felt my body fall into trance, how every cell of mine was worn out - ready to go to sleep. I stared into nothingness. I wasn't able to be, react, act, do or say. Just feeling the awaited faint coming onto me, ready to fall apart - knowing what was about to happen.
I was just so tired.
Get out.
They're going to die if you don't get out of the way.
Did you stop tapping? Tap.
"Rue-Rue?", I blinked a little, as Lin tried to find my water filled eyes. At least it was him. "You can do this. I know you can. Three"
And somehow, in the midst of a panic attack, I managed to keep up - mouthing the word, unable to say it.
Three.

When 54 was next, Lin suddenly changed up the words - forming a sentence.
"Chapter 54. As soon as they were gone, Elizabeth walked out to recover her spirits..."
His voice stable, treating every word with respect, like he'd treated my numbers, my safe place, with - holding my hand so delicately as I had begun to shake from the fatigue after just a few numbers.
Pride and Prejudice, I thought.
He's reading me Pride and Prejudice.
No one's ever read to me before.

Get out.
Get out.
GET OUT.

By the end of the chapter, I couldn't manage to stay alert and awake any longer.
With thoughts building up, my mind on the brink of an explosion, my body gave up.
I couldn't do anything. I couldn't do what I had to do.
I was just so tired - giving up.
Every little ounce, centimeter, particle and bit of my body was exhausted, screaming for recovery. I couldn't even lift a finger a millimeter, just to tap. I couldn't tap. I couldn't do anything.
I. You.
You're going to be the death of them.
Why won't you get out of the way?
I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.
My head hurt. My eyes, too.
Get out of the way.
My body melting onto my bed, giving up.
And so, my eyes closed.
I wasn't in control.
But my mind wasn't either.

It must've been hours before I woke up again.
The first few seconds before I've completely awoken, everything was quiet. My mind was at peace - almost calm, as I could hear Sebastian running around with Tobi outside my door, it being kept closed. Someone had put a blanket on me, making me feel a little protected.
Lin sat in my armchair, right across my room. He was listening to something, but only keeping one earbud in - in order to stay alert and keep an eye on me. The UV light from the laptop screen was the only thing lighting up his face, as the curtains had been drawn, too. Little strings of light also found their way through the gaps between the door and its frame, such as between the curtains and the window frame - smoothly and precisely warming up my face. The light hurt my eyes, making me blink to accustom myself.
Like lightning, reality came back to me, running and striking me.
Scratch your wrist. It should hurt. Make it bleed.
Vanessa was running after Sebastian as he passed by my door, catching up with him, as the routines were stacking up, one by one, becoming unbearable to catch up with. I'd missed so many, adding weight onto the weight I already had to carry.
"Gotcha!", I heard how she quietly exclaimed, as Sebastian let out a giggle, when I suddenly could recall what had happened.

Chris. Chris had seen me. I swallowed, the anxiety building up by just thinking of it.

"No, no! Down! Wue-Wue!", I heard him beg, probably up in Vanessa's arms.
"Shhh. Come on now, buddy, what did I say about running past Hermanas bedroom? She's not feeling well, remember? Like you, but she doesn't have a fever. So why don't you and I go and draw a little?", and from what I heard from Sebastian's mumbling, he wasn't very happy about it. My stomach twisted into knots again. Had I made Sebastian sick? I'd made Sebastian sick, hadn't I?
You're ruining their life.
What did Chris think about me? Freak.
"You could make a card for Rue, wouldn't that be something?", Vanessa asked him, trying to save the situation - and from what I could hear, Sebastian approved, as their footsteps got quieter, moving towards the living room - Tobi following their lead.
You're the reason Sebastian sick.
You didn't do what you had to do.
You didn't take enough pills.
You're a freak.
I felt my breath getting heavier.
What if Dom had seen me? Or heard me crying? What did he think of me now?
Can't even go through a day without panicking.
Can't even wake up without this happening.
Aren't you fed up with yourself?
You're killing them.
Did you tap before you went to sleep?
Did you blink 182 times?
Why aren't you-
"Rue?", Lin's voice broke through my barrier of thoughts, building up to an extent that had never been reached beforehand. "You okay?", my wellbeing going before any type of greeting nowadays.
I gave him a quick nod, forcing myself to sit up.
Sit up. Be normal. Act normal.
My weak arms, exhausted from nothing, could barely lift my body as I leaned against the wall - shaking by my own weight.
You didn't do any routines before going to sleep.
I forced a smile, putting on my facade once again.
He's going to die.
He didn't seem to believe my act.
Tap, tap, tap, tap.
"Mornin'", he carefully joked, as he'd decided to go with my answer, nodding towards the clock in a light manner. It was quarter to five the afternoon. The panic grew even bigger by that sight. I wasn't supposed be tired, yet I unwillingly yawned, making him smile as a concerned look took over his face. "You needed it. You still look tired, though, Niñita", trying to justify my thoughts; even though it was impossible.
I shrugged my shoulders, though the statement was true - I was still tired.
I was tired every day, every hour, minute and second.
I couldn't escape it. I just fought it. For them, so that they wouldn't have me panicking in the middle of the night, kicking and screaming. So that I wouldn't be an obstacle. So that they wouldn't die.
They're going to die if you won't do anything.
I began to suppress every routine that was visible, hiding my hand, which nails was digging into my skin, under the covers. Everything was muted, slightly saturated, as I looked around my room - every little routine becoming a pile in the back of my mind, haunting every second of being alive.
Lin gave me a glance of concern, putting his laptop aside, and walked over to me.
Hide it.
He put his hand up on my forehead - and it suddenly hit me. He thought that I was sick - just like Sebastian - that I was feverish, on top of everything else.
"You're not warm, that's good. Got a little scared as you barely moved or made a sound when sleeping. Are you feeling ill, or?", Lin said, scanning my face for answers. I shook my head, distinctly. He checked again.
"Promise me, because you have to tell us if you are. Are you feeling sick?", his caring hand putting my hair behind my ear. I shook my head again, forcing myself to smile a little - the first truth that I'd told in a while.
Because, I wasn't feeling sick. I was just tired. Which I'd been for a long time now. And I was better off that way.
Lin accepted my answer, nothing more and probably a bit less.
He wasn't convinced, but he let it slide.
"Okay, Rue-Rue. Do you want something to eat?"
I'd learned to ignore my stomach's cry for food by now.
And so, I shook my head for the third time, staring past him - into thin air, focusing on passing as normal - pushing away the urge to do every routine possible. I need to pass. I also need to do it all. All at the same time.
Make him go away. You're ruining his, hers and their life.
I laid down again, like a robot - steered by something else.
I kept my eyes fixated on a spot, staring out into nothingness, as l kept still.
"I'm alright, Lin", every word felt like an obstacle, dragging me down and hard to pronounce.
Per usual, I knew that he wouldn't believe me - but it was enough for him to nod, kiss my temple, collect his things and leave my room and its door ajar.

The following hours went by in a blur. I didn't sleep, even though I was more tired than I'd ever been before.
Stay awake.
I kept my eyes open - wide awake, afraid of the obstacle I'd become if I fell asleep.
Vanessa and Lin checked on me every ten minutes - their heads peeking through the door, as I was disturbing their every move, minute and breath of their life.
Can't you see? You have to get out of the way. You're keeping them from living their life. You're killing them. Vanessa. Lin. Sebastian. Get out.
It was all on repeat.
I did everything, yet the words kept on haunting me.
Tapping, blinking, twitching, counting, organizing, hurting.
I hid it when either Lin or Vanessa checked on me.
But, it wasn't enough.
It was never going to be enough.

As the sun went down, so did I.
Spiralling, every thought that came into my head became true. Portioned off the world, in my own bubble - monotone, unable to speak up.
At some point, I managed to change into my pyjamas and go to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
Make your gums bleed.
And so I did.
Wash your hands until it burns.
I washed my hands, the heat on max and quiet as a mouse until I couldn't feel my hands any longer, when I felt a sense of balance - one that instantly got replaced by another imbalance.
In the corner of my eye, I saw the bottle of pills I'd gotten acquaintanced with during the last few months.
Take another 6.
So I did - no question, just obeying, scared of what the outcome might be if I didn't do so.
I cleaned up, leaving no trace behind, switched the lights four times and went back to my room, tapping my thigh and biting my cheek.
Vanessa had been standing outside the entire time.
They were both worried.
They shouldn't be. Fix it.
I plastered on a smile, tapping even harder.

At another point, right after Lin had put Sebastian to bed, I think Vanessa asked me if I was okay - to which I responded with a light nod, pushing every muscle to the brink of exhaustion to do so.
Get out. Do this. Do that. Get out.
And with that, everybody but I calmly went to sleep, and in the silence of the dark, the thoughts grew stronger and stronger, as my camouflage was working.

They were only interrupted once, by a feverish, screaming, Sebastian. His screams made my heart ache, as I was stuck to my corner of the world. I was the reason why he was sick. I heard Lin comforting his son, bringing him into their bedroom, as he begun to read him a bedtime story. His voice was mumbling through the walls, so quiet so that he wouldn't wake me or Vanessa - whereas I held my breath so that he wouldn't notice that I was awake with an abundance of routines. Soon enough he quieted, and I heard the lamp switch off. A few minutes later everything went back to silence - the silence I feared and praised at the same time.

Lin knows. Vanessa knows. Chris knows. Your uncle knows. Carson knows. Dom knows. Ansel knows. Warren knows. Rachel knows. Everybody who's ever come your way knows. You've destroyed their lives, the lives of everyone you've ever touched.
The list kept on growing, as the things I'd lived flashed before me. Ansel on top of me, hitting me, echoing "Ruthleigh" in my ear. My uncle in front of me and on top of me. The taxi cab, running through the streets of New York, whisking me away to ruin someone else's life. The many times I'd fallen, starting an effect of dominos falling onto one another. I was lifeless, and I'd disrupted so many lives.
I dug deeper into my wrists, having loosened the bandages ages ago - unable to stop myself.

Only this time, I kept quiet.

I wanted to scream, cry and kick - all at the same time. It had never reached this point before. An overload, a broken circuit that still managed to continue going around.
I wanted them to know what was happening in my head - but I couldn't tell.
They'll die if you do. Twitch. 23 times.
I began to twitch, counting every little one.
I wanted it to stop so badly. But I couldn't stop it. I couldn't turn it off.
Yes, you can.
How many pills did you take again?
Not enough.
All I could do was to keep it from them - because all I've ever known is how to hold my own by repeating whatever my mind could come up with.
To keep them from seeing me like this.
To keep my mind isolated; something that was for me, and me only, and not to be shown to any other than me.
Get out of the way.
I had to keep it from them.
I had to keep them alive.
I had to get out of the way.

Go get your pills. You need to take more. Far more than you already have. You need to get out of the way. Get out.
I was shaking.
Like in a trance, I sat up.
Don't make a sound.
My feet carefully touched the cold floor.
I put my hand on my other wrist.
Felt my pulse with one finger, counting rhythmically.
Another finger dug into another wound, the blood dripping onto my bedding, the floor and the bathroom tiles as I managed to make my way to the bathroom, where I was faced with myself in the mirror.
Locked the door. Unlocked it. Did so until it felt finished.
Monotone and piano, waiting for another instruction.
My face was grey-looking, life- and powerless.
It was only then that I noticed that my cheeks were wet, my eyes red and forming new tears.
Keep it together.
When I tried to wipe them, the salty water stinged my scratch marks, leaving me whimpering and weeping even more.
Quiet.
You have to make this stop.
You have to switch it off.
Aware of my hands at all times, I saw my right one reaching for my bottle of pills.
I couldn't stop it - it was shaking uncontrollably, and so was the whole of my body.
The left one was holding on to the countertop, keeping myself from falling over as the world around me became glowing and light in contrast to my dark mind.
I sat down onto the edge of the bathtub, the bottle in my hands.
I had to make up for it, for everything that had passed. I had to make it stop. For them. So that they won't die.
My fingers fiddled with the lid, struggling to open it.
Everywhere I looked, there was the journalist. My uncle. Right next to him I could find Ansel. And somehow I think I saw my biological Dad; next to him my Mum. Or it wasn't them. I couldn't recall the people I'd repressed for so long.
I gulped, my breath getting heavier and heavier. My pulse was through the roof.
Why can't it just go back to the way it used to be?
The way I used to be?
The way I could have a conversation, smile and be content without panicking the second something was out of place. The way I didn't hinder people as soon they walked past me. The way I used to go to school. The way I used to have friends. The way I used to be able to go outside - to the park with Tobi or take the subway to study with Carson at Tua Tua's on Tuesdays. That girl that used to be mine. I wanted nothing else, nothing else but to make things go back to the way they used to be.
You'll be the girl you used to be.
The lid finally came off, as I caught it right before it hit the tiled floor.
The pills hit the palm of my hand. I counted, organizing them.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9.
Swallow them.
I did.
Make it 10.
Make it 23.
It didn't feel right.
Add another 12.
Why didn't it feel right?
4 more, or Vanessa will die.
I swallowed another 4, and 4 more just to be sure.
And 4 for Lin's life.
I doubled it.
You have to make sure. What about Sebastian?
My pulse was nowhere normal.
My tears were falling, making my clothes wet, stinging my wrists.
I swallowed another eight, feeling nauseous from swallowing so many - from eating for the first time in a while.
You need to take more. It's not right yet. It's not even. You need to get out.
It wasn't right.
It needed to be right.
I needed to make this right.

All of a sudden, I'd reached the bottom of the bottle.
I took up the last one, held it between my thumb and forefinger towards the light.
Take that one, too.
And so I did.

There, I sat. Several minutes passed in what felt like seconds. In the eye of a hurricane. On the edge of the bathtub - every inch of my body shaking as I slowly realized what I'd just done.
I had just taken a whole bottle of antidepressants. I read on the bottle. 90 pills. I'd opened it only two days ago.
My pills. The ones that were supposed to fix me.
They couldn't even fix me.
An instant feeling of regret poured over me.
What had I done?
My breath wasn't slowing down, only getting heavier so that it could oxygenate my body, as I felt that I was being dragged down by gravity. I dropped the bottle to the floor.

Tap.
The thoughts came back.
They weren't gone.
Why hadn't they gone away?
TAP.

I tried to stand up, yet the fatigue came rushing back.
I couldn't stand without holding onto something. Stuck, tapping, in a locked bathroom. Locked to my position.
I couldn't feel my toes. My fingers. My senses went away, tingling.
Like the invisible girl in Moomin, I was slowly going transparent.
Paralysed of fear, I stared at my hands as they faded away, going invisible.
I was fading away. Unwillingly.
I had so much left to do.
There were a million things I hadn't done.
This wasn't the girl that used to be mine.
I had to do something.
You're going to kill them if you do.
I had to tell them.
Before I'd fade away.

The stop motion was back, as I forced my body to move against my mind's will.
Like a cry for help, I walked out of the bathroom, ignoring every echo in my mind. One was on repeat.
You're going to kill them if you tell them.
I swallowed the thought, feeling the pills in my throat, ready to come up again.
Defying my own mind, like Elphaba defied gravity, I continued - leaning against the walls of the hallway, grabbing onto anything that would help me go forward.
The pills was forcing their way back up, making me puke halfway there. The sight of the mixture of water and half-dissolved pills made me shiver. Had I done that?
I compelled, moving my eyes from the harrowing scene as I felt the nausea coming back just as quick as it had left.
Their door was open.
And, shortly after, I found myself standing in the doorway, leaning and holding on to the frame by a thread. Vanessa had fallen asleep with her glasses on and Lin had The Cat in the Hat on him, sleeping like a log. Between them laid Sebastian, eyes closed and calmly asleep, with Tobi protectively having his paw on his leg. They were all sleeping and I was, yet again, going to disturb. Ruin. Sabotage.
You're holding up the life they could have.
Somehow, in the midst of it all, I justified not waking Lin - he'd already been up with Sebastian tonight. I swallowed, looking at Vanessa's alarm clock. 3:27 am.
Go back to your room. You need to-
I wouldn't make it.
I couldn't let them find me tomorrow morning.
You need to get out of the way, remember?
I squinted my eyes closed, pushing everything but the present away, the words on my tongue, ready to be said - fully prepared for something no one was supposed to be prepared for.
Just for this moment.
"...V?", my trembling voice said, cracking as I just cried. It was just a whisper, almost unnoticeable.
Yet, she instantly woke up, a little confused, before her eyes found me - shakingly holding onto the doorframe. Beneath my feet, I felt my body fading away by the millisecond, my face expression begging for a way out - blank, frightened and about to be gone.
I needed to stay where I belonged. Here. I belong here. I needed to keep going.
"I... I-I did some... something", I managed to say in hysterics, my mouth and tongue failing me.
Words fail.
"Rue?", she said, panic striking her voice, switching on her lamp in distress - the light blinding my eyes more than they did hers. At the same time she stood up, running towards me. No hesitation.
You told them. Do you realize what you've done? You're killing them.
I backed out into the hallway, somehow wanting and trying to get away just as much as I wanted to stay, tripping and falling over as my body wouldn't carry me no more - when I, at the same time, just wanted to be held. I felt another wave of nausea coming over me as I forced another pool of pills out of me, drenching me in tap water and chemicals, when a realisation hit me.

I wasn't killing them.
I was killing myself.

The duration of the frames were getting slower. Between them, there was blackness.
In one, Vanessa was three meters away from me. In the next, she'd reached me.
"What did you do, Rue? Niñita, say something-", Vanessa's voice said, distantly, before the sentence became hesitant as she puzzled the pieces together - one by one.
The vomiting. The pills. The behaviour. All mine.
I think she shouted for Lin to call an ambulance, as she took me in her arms.
No, I remember thinking. I didn't want to wake him, too.
Not an ambulance. Please don't make me go to the hospital. Please don't let me lose control.
The strength that I'd thought I'd had seconds ago, was gone.
Like a rag, I was still. Powerless. Helpless.
"Niñita, please-", now, Vanessa was crying, too.
Hope I'm not tired of rebuilding, I thought.
A crying, desperate, Lin was suddenly part of my field of view.
'Cause this might take a little more.
The corners of my eyes were getting blurrier and blurrier, as I was on the verge of passing out for the fifth time. I knew how it went. I usually knew what was waiting for me. Only, this time, I didn't.
I think I'd like to try look at you, and feel the way I did before.
He was talking, and so was Vanessa, though I couldn't hear them. Their lips moving, trying to contact me. No one of them was switching, changing into someone I'd rather forget - split between two thoughts. Wanting to stay or get away.
These new walls are pretty hard to crack.
It was quiet. My kind of quiet. Routines were echoing in my mind, unable to escape them.
It might take a while until I trust you won't attack.
Like a whirlwind, everything was happening before me.
I apologize, it was only self-defence.
Lin was on the phone, talking to what I presumed to be 911, as his panicking eyes looked at me, his hand holding mine, stroking my face - trying to get me to respond.
But, there was something about them. Their presence weren't scary. Being alive wasn't a fright.
Running away just made sense.
For the first time, my mind was at peace - as I let myself be taken care of, held, without the anxious feeling of something being so wrong, so wrong so that I couldn't live with them. I, and purely I, was on show - unfiltered and begging for a way out, begging for someone to see me and that I'd let them do so. My routines, my ticks, my faults and my wrongs. My blinks, taps, twitches, scratches. My panic and my nightmares. I was letting them in.
So, here I am with arms unfolding.
I let myself be present. I let him hold me. I let Vanessa have me in her arms. For the first time since the journalist, I'd let someone do so. Screaming for help, on the top of my lungs, without uttering a single word - trusting them.
I hope this isn't quite the end.
And I realized - I needed help. This battle couldn't be fought alone. I couldn't go back in time, no one could. I couldn't be that girl that used to be mine. Things couldn't go back to the way they were. I couldn't get out of the way. I had to be in the way.
Old partner in crime, I'm going to try, to fall in love with you, again.
Suddenly, I didn't get any frames, as I slipped into unconsciousness, thinking that maybe, maybe, this was what dying felt like.
And maybe I was.

—————
Hello, hello, hello!👋
Well, that ended on a bit of a cliffhanger. And quite sadly. And I hope you're okay with that. (And no, this is absolutely not the last chapter, just so you're aware)💐

Anyways, it seems to be the usual now, that I don't write for months and then write a chapter in a few days after having the first 500 words in Google Docs for three months. But I had a vision for this; however, I didn't know how to execute it🤷‍♀️
One thing was sure, though. That it had to include "Arms unfolding" by Dodie - a song that, when I heard it for the first time, just screamed Rue, making me think of a chapter like this. I've rewritten the lyrics a little to fit the story - but, the core is there. Listen to it, if you have the time. You won't regret it🎼

As said, I've been planning this chapter for what seems like a year. And with that, I've been building it up with the chapters before - and hopefully I made the situation feel real and ruelike, how she goes from denying it all to being torn between two ways and then accepting and defying her mind. How do you feel about what Rue did? And how did you feel about the chapter as a whole?👀😌

Anyhow - school ends in two days. A weird sentence, to be honest, as I've been doing school from home since mid March. Has it really been that long? The thing is, is that it's only been me at home, as they only closed down the universities and high schools(ages 16-19) in Sweden due to the Corona virus. However, you can still go outside and to work. So honestly, I've been quite lonely. Me and a screen, school brought home when everyone else is outside - I mean, doing my media classes from home has been confusing. Broken down more frequently than before, leaving anxiety to build up too. I've tried to keep in touch with friends, and I've been meeting up with pals (if they and I are symptom free, obviously socially distancing, and careful), but it's just quite weird. The world's a weird place at the moment, so that's the way it is. But, I'm well, and I'm grateful and I hope that somehow, this chapter let you escape from the current state of mind. And I do hope that you are well too, and staying safe💓

So, Q of the Day.
Has your country been in lockdown or has it only closed down partially? And, if there's been a lockdown, is it currently reopening?👀
Me? Think I answered that in the paragraph above😅

Leave a vote if you'd like, and a comment too - I love reading them☺️

Stay safe and have a lovely day,
Sincerely,
H

Published: 9th of July, 2020