❛ It's like a knife right in the back. Like a bullet to the head. Why can't I understand? The blood is on my hands. ❜

SEASON 4, EPISODE 4
indifference

━━━━━━ October 14, 2011

PANIC BREWED WITHIN BIANCA. After Patrick died and the prison was nearly torn apart in the aftermath, things seemed to worsen. Almost half their people were sick in Cell Block A. Glenn was one of them, which alone lit a fire under her. He reminded her so much of her twin, but she didn't want him to be that much like him. Then it came to their attention that Karen and David—who were showing symptoms the previous day—were murdered. Burn to death and left as charred bits in a side alley.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca felt an itch on her skin. The farm when they found the walkers in the barn is what it felt like. An uprising of the people, shots fired, people dead, and fire stoked behind them. She could see it clear as day in the prison. It was happening again, and it ate away at her.

⠀⠀⠀She knew it was getting to her, too. Why else would she suggest Cal leave on the trip? She feared that he'd get sick if he stuck around any longer, and she'd have to watch him die in front of her, like Amy, Shane, Lori. It hurt. It all hurt so much. She didn't want to bear the image of his eyes closing and chest stilling. Bianca trusted Daryl. He'd keep him alive. He had to.

⠀⠀⠀Aimlessly walking around the prison, Bianca noticed Rick. He stood by the gate with Carol as they packed for a separate, shorter run. They packed light, likely only a day trip, and Bianca was so anxious that she thought it'd do her some good to get out. Even if it was with Rick.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca jogged down the path to the green Tucson. Before Rick noticed, she slipped into the backseat and made herself comfortable. Carol glanced at her from the passenger's seat and then at Rick with an amused smile.

⠀⠀⠀Rick noticed the extra person in the car and sighed. He stepped away from the trunk and stood beside her open window.

⠀⠀⠀"Hey," he greeted. He tended to be fragile with how he talked to Bianca these days. "What are you doing?"

⠀⠀⠀"Going with y'all," Bianca said.

⠀⠀⠀"Nah, you gotta stay here," Rick said, leaning his hands against the bottom of the window. "Keep the others safe."

⠀⠀⠀"Doing what? Walking around, stressing. I think I'm good," Bianca said with a shrug.

⠀⠀⠀Rick's shoulders deflated. He thinned his lips and glanced at Carol with a tension in his shoulders that she hadn't noticed. Something else was happening, but she didn't care what she was interrupting. She was out for herself now and needed this more than anything.

⠀⠀⠀"Fine," Rick sighed. "But we'll be back before nightfall."

⠀⠀⠀"I figured," Bianca muttered.

BIANCA FELL ASLEEP ON the ride to their destination. The car's smooth acceleration down the empty roads lulled her into a deep sleep. She was thankful for the dreamless sleep after a long night when she woke.

⠀⠀⠀Outside of her window was a suburban neighborhood. The houses looked undisturbed. There was no sign of life or death. It was like an early afternoon on a school day when the kids and parents were away, and the silence started to settle.

⠀⠀⠀'Pardon our dust' was tagged into the dirt of an abandoned car. The ominous words sent a shiver up Bianca's spine.

⠀⠀⠀"Can't have been here more than a day, maybe two," Rick said to Carol as she walked over.

⠀⠀⠀"You mean Daryl and the others," she said with a scowl. "That's what this is, right? In case they don't?"

⠀⠀⠀"Until they do," Rick corrected her and glanced at Bianca. "That's what this is. Medicine cabinets, first aid kits—anything that could help Hershel. We get in; we get out. And if we can eat it, we take it."

⠀⠀⠀Carol handed Bianca a spare pack brought with them, and she slung it over her shoulders. Then, followed them into a house. Rick went to the bathroom while Bianca stepped into the kitchen. Carol waited between them as she kept watch with no time to clear the place.

⠀⠀⠀Rick came into the kitchen a few minutes later. Then, a growl emitted from the top of the stairs. A walker turned the corner and caught Bianca's eyes.

⠀⠀⠀The room flashed. Bianca recognized the tacky paintings her dad's ex-wife bought from a home goods store. There was a bookcase stuffed between a corner and the TV. The windows were boarded up. The walker stood at the top of the stairs. Its hair was long and black, and a face nearly hers stared back. Eugene's mouth opened, growling, as he took a step forward. The body tumbled, fell to the ground, but it didn't have time to stand. Carol drove her knife into its skull. Bianca flew to the sink and threw up.

⠀⠀⠀"Bianca, are you—?" Rick began but was interrupted by a door creaking open.

⠀⠀⠀Rick unholstered his gun and trained it at the top of the stairs. A trembling couple stood at the top, huddled together as they stared at them. The man was blonde with sharp features and a wide smile. The woman was dark-haired with a round face and a nervous energy.

⠀⠀⠀"Whoa, whoa, it's cool!" the man exclaimed, raising his hands in surrender. "We're—we're cool."

⠀⠀⠀"We have fruit," the woman offered. She held out her hands to show them.

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, we got apricots, peaches. Here, catch," the man said, nodding his head. He tossed them an apricot that bounced down the stairs and landed with a dull thud beside the dead walker. "Or, you know, don't," he said with a nervous laugh.

ONCE RICK RELENTED, THE couple was allowed to join them downstairs. Sam and Ana, as they introduced themselves, were grateful to be in their company. They welcomed Rick's questions, but first, Carol offered to look over their injuries.

⠀⠀⠀"How'd this happen?" Carol asked. Sam's shoulder had a bruise the size of a soccer ball, and he could barely move it.

⠀⠀⠀"Greenhouse around the corner," Sam said. Despite the pain and conditions, he maintained an unnaturally positive attitude. "We were looking for a place to crash. The roof's broken now, and it's been getting rain, so it's full of fruit. We were there about a day, and the skin-eaters showed up. Killjoys, man! Jackin' it up for the whole world. I thought everybody was an asshole before this all went down. Now, I love people. You know... people who are alive."

⠀⠀⠀"How did it happen?" Carol repeated herself bluntly.

⠀⠀⠀Rick glanced at Bianca with a scowl. He didn't trust the couple. It was apparent on his face, but they had no other choice. They could've left, but Rick was stubborn. It was either kill them or see if they were worth taking back.

⠀⠀⠀Rick walked to the kitchen window to keep himself under control. He had been doing good for the last few months, but sometimes that creeping death still haunted him. No amount of farming would cure him.

⠀⠀⠀"When they were coming in through the door, I tripped, crawling out the other side. Pulled the glass out, but my shoulder—it still hurts like a bitch," Sam explained.

⠀⠀⠀Carol stood in front of him. Her brows furrowed, and her hands rested on her hips.

⠀⠀⠀"It's dislocated," she said.

⠀⠀⠀"Can you fix it?" Ana asked.

⠀⠀⠀Carol took a moment to consider, then sighed. She removed the tablecloth from the dining room and motioned for Sam to get on.

⠀⠀⠀"Here, lay on your back."

⠀⠀⠀Sam did as asked, and Carol placed a bag into his hand to hold. Carol did as she once had for Bianca. Slowly she moved Sam's arm until the bone popped, and pain rippled across Sam's face. Then, he sat up. A smile wider than the one before pulled across his cheeks. He rotated his shoulder with ease.

⠀⠀⠀"It's gonna be sore for a few days," Carol said.

⠀⠀⠀"After the greenhouse, you came here?" Rick asked. He stood back with them.

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah. We thought it was clear. We missed the deadie in the PJs, so we dove into the bathroom," Sam said.

⠀⠀⠀"So, how long were you up there till we showed up?" Rick asked.

⠀⠀⠀"Like, two days," Sam shrugged.

⠀⠀⠀"There was just one. You had guns," Carol pointed out.

⠀⠀⠀"We have about twelve bullets between us," Ana said with a chuckle. "It usually takes us about five or six to bring one of them down."

⠀⠀⠀"You also have knives," Bianca said.

⠀⠀⠀"To what? Stab it in the head?" Sam asked.

⠀⠀⠀Carol stared at them in disbelief. "Yeah," she said.

⠀⠀⠀"We got separated from our crew about a week ago," Sam said. "Been trying to play it safe since it's just the two of us."

⠀⠀⠀"I have to with my leg," Ana added. "We were at a refugee center together, and there was a fire. People were just trampling over me. Assholes. Sam saved my life. We didn't know each other before. It didn't heal right, but it healed. And we found each other. It was worth it."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca wanted to smile, but she couldn't.

BIANCA STOOD OUTSIDE THE greenhouse with one hand on the trigger and the other gripping her wrist. Ana held a basket inside the greenhouse while Sam picked apples from a tree. Carol and Rick scouted the rest of the neighborhood while Bianca was left to babysit. She didn't argue with Rick, though, noting their earlier tension.

⠀⠀⠀"So, the prison?" Ana asked with a sweet smile. "You like it there?"

⠀⠀⠀Bianca shifted her foot so she stood at a diagonal. She kept one eye on their surroundings and the other on Ana.

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, it's alright," Bianca told her, a steady frown on her lips.

⠀⠀⠀"Are there a lot of people?" Sam asked with a wide smile. He bent down and dropped a few apples into Ana's basket. "I've missed being around good people."

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, it's been a while," Ana sighed, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

⠀⠀⠀"There's a good amount," Bianca nodded, then glanced away. "Hopefully."

⠀⠀⠀"Right, the flu," Ana muttered, bowing her head.

⠀⠀⠀"You got someone that's sick?" Sam asked curiously.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca's paranoia made her think he was prying for intel, looking for weakness. Then, she realized what would it matter if he did. They already knew their community was under fire. If they wanted to try something, now was the perfect time.

⠀⠀⠀"One of my close friends," Bianca said offhandedly.

⠀⠀⠀Ana raised her brow, and a childish grin curled at her lips. "Boyfriend?"

⠀⠀⠀"No—well, yes. I have a boyfriend; no, he's not sick. I sent him off to keep him safe," Bianca explained, her nail picking at her arm. "I'm worried I made the wrong decision."

⠀⠀⠀"I think you made the right choice."

⠀⠀⠀The edge of a blade rested against Bianca's neck and dragged her back a few lumbering steps. The man behind her voiced his concern, but she could feel the malice radiating from him.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca stiffened against his chest. Her lips screwed into a frown as her free hand squeezed at his arm to keep balance. The knife dug further into her neck, and she barely felt the blood starting to drip.

⠀⠀⠀Sam and Ana stood in front of her, shaking, as they stared wide-eyed at the man behind her.

⠀⠀⠀"Fuck," Sam said under his breath. The apple in his hand fell to the ground with a familiar thud.

⠀⠀⠀"Hey, Sam," the man greeted cheerily. He sounded like a frat boy Bianca would avoid the second they tried to talk to her in college. "The gun," he whispered to Bianca. His head brushed against her hair, and his pale hand appeared in front of her.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca caught Ana's eye—brown eyes caught in the headlights—and looked close to passing out. When Bianca hesitated, Ana nodded for her to do as he asked. Bianca gritted her teeth and raised the gun. The man snatched it from her and tossed it across the yard. He sure had a lot of confidence to kill the three of them with a knife and bare hands.

⠀⠀⠀"I know there are others here," the man said to the couple. His tone hissed like a threat. He paused and let it soak in that they were utterly vulnerable before he continued. "But I don't care about them. It's you two I want."

⠀⠀⠀"We're not going back!" Ana yelled. She straightened her shoulders and schooled her face, but the nervous tremor in her voice betrayed her bravery.

⠀⠀⠀The man laughed. His chest vibrated against Bianca's back before he calmed himself with a tongue click.

⠀⠀⠀"We're not asking. You had your chance," he said. "Listen, if you don't, your friend here dies. Now, I don't want to kill her. So, I'll leave her and the other two alone if you come with me."

⠀⠀⠀A plan formulated in Bianca's head as the man talked. Bianca's gun across the lawn, Sam's gun, Sam and Ana both free to move, and the man directly behind her with a knife to her throat. Bianca's eyes landed on Sam, conveyed her idea as well as she could, and he minutely nodded.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca took a deep breath, then pressed into the knife slightly before throwing her head back. She slammed against the man's nose, and he shouted in surprise, pulling away from her. Bianca dove across the yard for her gun as Sam brandished his from the back of his pants. Bianca also stood, and both their guns were trained on the man.

⠀⠀⠀The man raised his hands slowly in surrender, and Bianca hoped he didn't know what a lousy shot Sam was.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca burned the image of him into her mind. Late twenties, ashy brown hair, an amused smile that contorted his face—

⠀⠀⠀"Ana, run!" Sam screamed.

⠀⠀⠀His smile...

⠀⠀⠀"Ana, stop!" Bianca shouted, but it was too late.

⠀⠀⠀The basket tumbled from Ana's hand. The gate opened as a machete raised from the bushes. One of the frat boy's men hid inside, knowing Sam and Ana would run. In one fell swoop, Ana's leg was severed.

⠀⠀⠀Sam sprinted to Ana while Bianca let her guard down and let the fray boy get close to her. He slammed the gun from her hand before turning it on her. The smile stayed, his finger on the trigger, and he said, "No hard feelings," a second before he fired the gun.

WHEN BIANCA WOKE, SHE expected a white light and someone like her mom greeting her on the other side. A sanctuary where her friends were safe and no walkers threatened her livelihood. However, that was not the case.

⠀⠀⠀Above her was the gray hood of the Tucson and a slim view of trees at the top of the window. Her head pounded like a drum, and her hearing was off. She touched the skin where she was shot and found bandages. Then, she moved her hand down and snapped beside her ear. Nothing. On the same side, Shane shot and temporarily deafened. She worried a second time might have ruined it for good.

⠀⠀⠀"Oh, thank God," Rick whispered under his breath. He reached his hand into the backseat and squeezed her arm in a sign of relief. She could imagine him making that gesture to Carl when he was young and driving around town. "You alright?"

⠀⠀⠀Bianca sat up, but the world followed her, spinning to the side. Her stomach knotted, and the back of her mouth started to film over. She slapped her hand against her mouth.

⠀⠀⠀"You gotta barf bag?"

⠀⠀⠀"No, sorry. Need me to pull over?"

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah."

⠀⠀⠀Rick screeched to the side and parked. Bianca tumbled out with the car still moving and threw everything up. When all that was left was bile, she leaned on her hands and knees, too weak to move. Her limbs shook in agony, and tears streamed down her face as she remembered what happened. Sam and Ana had gotten killed on her watch, and all she could do was cry.

⠀⠀⠀"Hey, it's alright. We're safe now," Rick said in a light rasp. His hand pressed against her back and rubbed soothingly up and down. Bianca wanted to jerk away from his comfort. She hated him; she hated herself.

⠀⠀⠀"Sam? Ana?" Bianca croaked. She didn't know if they were dead or not. Maybe they split. Maybe—

⠀⠀⠀"Walkers got to Ana, and Sam never showed," Rick explained. He tried to keep the fear out of his voice, but she could still hear it. "What happened? I didn't even hear the shot."

⠀⠀⠀"Some douchebag found us," Bianca said. She lifted herself from her hands and knees to rest against the car. She cradled her head in her hands with her knees pulled to her chest. "He was looking for them. Their old crew. One... one of 'em chopped off her leg as she tried to-to escape. Sam was caught. I-I don't know who they were or where they went. One..." her hand raised to her head. "One guy shot me. He had a silencer."

⠀⠀⠀"Well, he didn't mean to kill you," Rick said. His fingers brushed over her head where she'd been shot.

⠀⠀⠀"Fucked my hearing, though," Bianca sighed.

⠀⠀⠀Rick frowned and snapped his finger next to her ear. "Nothing?"

⠀⠀⠀Bianca shook her head. An overwhelming feeling started in Bianca's chest and rose into her throat, choking her. Bianca's lips formed into a deep frown to contain it, but it burst like a dam, and she started sobbing.

⠀⠀⠀"I did it again."

⠀⠀⠀"Did what?" Rick asked, concerned.

⠀⠀⠀"I got someone else killed," Bianca whispered. Her breath caught in her throat. It stayed there as they sat with the claim. Then, something clicked in her head. The uncomfortable feeling in her chest shut down, and she had one hopeful thought. Her eyes locked with Rick's, and desperation claimed her. "You have to—you have to kill me."

⠀⠀⠀Rick sat back on his heels, stunned by her statement. Bianca's hands reached out and snatched his gun from its holster. By the time Rick realized, the gun was wrapped tightly between his hands. Bianca rested her hands over his, her hands shaking as she put the gun to her head.

⠀⠀⠀"Please. I can't—I can't have someone else die. Not because of me," Bianca sobbed. "If Cal—"

⠀⠀⠀"I'm not gonna kill you, Bianca," Rick said sternly. He didn't move his position, only cupping his hands around the trigger so she couldn't find her way through and pull it herself. "That's the last thing I'm gonna do."

⠀⠀⠀"Why? Why?" Bianca asked as she looked up at him. "My parents are dead. My brother. Lori! They all died because of me, and now, Ana—"

⠀⠀⠀"Stop it!" Rick snapped at her. He wrenched the gun from its locked position and threw it into the road. "People die out here. It doesn't mean it's your fault unless you're on the other side of the gun."

⠀⠀⠀"But, I—"

⠀⠀⠀"Alright, Bianca. You wanna fight me on this?" Rick growled. His eyes turned ice cold as he positioned himself in front of her. He stared at her for a long while while Bianca kept her eyes on the grass. "How many walkers have you killed?"

⠀⠀⠀Bianca stared at him, dazed.

⠀⠀⠀"Bianca! How many walkers have you killed?"

⠀⠀⠀"I don't know," she muttered. Suddenly she felt like a child talking to her disappointed father. "Half as many as you."

⠀⠀⠀Rick nodded. He turned away for a moment, running his fingers over his beard.

⠀⠀⠀"How many people have you killed?"

⠀⠀⠀"Three."

⠀⠀⠀"Why?"

⠀⠀⠀Everything inside her was dead. Bianca couldn't feel her hands; her brain felt like static. She played back every death inside her head. The ones that died in front of her and the ones on the other end of her trigger.

⠀⠀⠀"My dad," she whispered. "He was about to turn. Tomas, because he was about to kill you. An—And Lori to save Judith."

⠀⠀⠀Rick took a deep breath.

⠀⠀⠀"See, it seems like every time you had good reason... the only option left."

⠀⠀⠀He waited for Bianca to look at him, and when she did, it was like he peered into her soul. He knew her, and Bianca knew that despite the months of separation, too. Rick had seen her for better and for worse. Then, the answer to the three questions seemed to tap into something deeper that he now understood. Bianca looked away and thinned her lips in annoyance.

⠀⠀⠀"Now, c'mon, we gotta get back," Rick said with finality. He stood to his feet and wiped the dirt off his jeans. "You can sit up front."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca furrowed her brows and stood. Bianca realized Carol hadn't patiently waited for them to finish in the car.

⠀⠀⠀"Where's Carol?" she asked.

⠀⠀⠀"I let her go," Rick said. He waited for her to ask why, but she couldn't find it. "She killed Karen and David, but it wasn't with good reason."

AUTHOR'S NOTE —

This is one of my favorite chapters. When Bianca and Rick are put together, you just know its gonna be a good one. 

I'm sorry to Bianca because this season is going to be rough for her. But when isn't it in the Walking Dead, amirite?

Next chapter we're going into hyper-drive with the mid-season finale. I have a scene for Bianca and Cal I still need to write though of them talking before the Governor arrives. I've written the rest of the season just not that :'(

SONG: How It Feels To Be Lost by Sleeping With Sirens

Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you'd like, they keep me motivated! However, this is an all kind of reader safe space. So even if you ghost read or comment every chapter, I hope you know it means the world to me that you've come into this fic ♡ I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and until the next one.