Dear Perfect Jawline,

Since you are an old-fashioned man, I thought I'd do this the old-fashioned way. Also, because I won't be able to say any of this to you in person. Your jawline might distract me and make me stutter and say the wrong thing haha ;)

So, where do I start? About how kind you have been to me since day one? About how special you've made me feel every time you complimented me genuinely for the work I do?About how patient you've been every time I overreacted for the smallest of things? About how you've made me realize that even a girl like me could get a fairytale love story and be loved without being a rebound?

The truth is, sweet sweet Zayan, I developed a crush on you the moment I met you at Amer's event. I don't know whether you noticed but I couldn't even respond to you normally the first time you spoke to me. I struggled so hard to say a simple 'thank you' because I was strongly infatuated by that sharp jawline of yours ;)

Honestly, your jawline is nothing but perfection and your smile is the most infectious thing in this world :) I adore your infinite positivity and your laugh-worthy humor. You are certainly the best man I've seen in my life and I admire everything about you.

You are the kind of guy that I come across only in romance books and movies. You are the type of guy that all women dream of. You are unbelievably charming. You are genuine. You are candid. You are decent. You are too good to be true. And though you don't admit, you are truly perfection itself.

Though I liked you right from the beginning, I never even imagined that you'd like me back too. But then 10 days ago, it happened and it felt like a miracle. When you confessed your love to me, I couldn't believe my ears and I kept telling myself it was just a dream. And though I was supposed to feel happy, I rather started feeling insecure.

I started feeling insecure because we are way different. To start with, it's our skin tones. I know I speak a lot about colorism and this shouldn't matter to me at all. But maybe it does. I mean, I don't dislike myself. As it is now, I absolutely love my skin color and I don't want to change a damn thing about it. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid whether living with you would make me go back to my self-loathing once again.

You see Zayan, this thing called self-love is a new practice for me. For twenty-five years of my life, I've hated everything about me. And it is only recently that I learnt to accept myself the way I am. So, I'm afraid whether I will lose it in the process of loving you. Just to impress you, I might try to pretend to be a certain kind of person so hard, that sooner or later I might forget to love myself.

Now, you might not even understand what I'm trying to say because wherever you go, I'm sure that you are celebrated for your good looks. But it's not the same case for me. You would've never been through the kind of problems that I've faced simply because I was born brown-skinned.

For so long, the society has been telling me that I'm not good enough, that today when you are standing in front of me saying that you love me, sadly my heart is not able to accept it. My mind is constantly thinking 'what could be the catch?' because deep down I somehow have come to believe that I don't deserve the love of a man like you.

When I mentioned to my sister and friend about you, they told me that you are one golden opportunity that I should not miss. Now, I know both of them love me a lot and that is why they said that. But it bothered me for some reason. Because I know that any point in life, that's how people around us are going to see us — you as the priceless opportunity and me as the ordinary girl who just got lucky to have you.

And maybe this is why it's so hard for me to imagine us walking on the road without turning a few heads and hearing people gossip about how I don't deserve you simply because I'm brown-skinned. It's so hard for me to imagine a wedding with you without all aunties constantly talking about how you could've chosen better simply because you are fair-skinned.

I know I'm not making much sense and you or anyone else who reads this will think that I'm just being overly dramatic or I'm simply overreacting. But all my fears are real. I'm not making anything up. And the sad truth is that no one will ever understand my insecurities and pain unless they live a day in my skin and feel what I feel.

I'm the kind of girl that even a stupid dude like Sameer didn't want for too long. He treated me like I was garbage, but until the last moment, I gave him all the love in my heart. He walked away so easily and forgot me just like that, but to this day I still think of him. I think of him not because I love him anymore, but because it still hurts that he never bothered to come back.

Why am I even mentioning about Sameer? You are definitely not him. You've proved in every possible way that you are a million times better than him. But still, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that you too might change some day. I'm afraid of the possibility of rejection and abandonment once again. This is why it's so hard for me to say 'yes' to you.

I've gotten my heart broken once and my entire life went topsy-turvy. I can't let it happen again. I can't become that emotional wreck again. I can't lose my sanity over a guy again. I can't harm my career again. This business is all I have and I'm not even privileged like you to build it up better than ever after a nervous breakdown. If I lose it, I lose it forever.

My life is like a cake.
You could be the butter to my cream,
I could be the chocolate to your ganache.
Together we could possibly be the most decadent dessert of all time,
But sadly my cake doesn't need frosting.
Because I might be diabetic
And it is better that I keep it plain.

Did I just write poetic lines about cake? I know what you must be thinking. I'm blabbering at this point, right? It's just that I haven't slept for two days, thinking of this response.

I've written so many emails to you before but this is possibly the hardest one to write, because I'm doing it with a lot of pain in my heart and tears in my eyes. I started writing this at 2:30 a.m. and it's 7:55 a.m. now and I'm still writing it, because I had to repeatedly take my pauses for crying.

Anyway, you remember how I always referred to Sameer as my right-person-wrong-time, yeah? Well, I guess I was wrong. Zayan, you are my right person at the wrong time. And I feel like an utter loser as I write this because I'm this close to experiencing the love of a lifetime and yet, my own mind is conspiring against me.

Zayan, you deserve a wholesome love from a woman who will cherish every bit of you. It's not fair for me to say 'yes' to you because I can never give you that kind of love. I'm too broken, therefore I am selfish now. I will always put my needs first. This is why a loveless arranged marriage is ideal for me.

I mean, if a random dude who I don't even love hurts me, walking away from him wouldn't be very difficult. I can simply divorce him. But if the person is you, I will have to think a million times before I do something. Because I would love you too much and I wouldn't want to lose you, which might actually make me feel entrapped in the relationship.

So, I hope you understand me Zayan. I like you but the response is 'NO'. And this time it's not a decision I made out of anger, but rather after a lot of thought.

You are the best thing that happened to me and I will always remember you. In fact, you've spoilt me a little too much with your love and attention that I would never let another man treat me like I'm anything less. Thanks for that :)

I won't tell you that I will love you forever because the last time I said that to a guy, I couldn't keep the promise. However, your jawline will always have a special place in my heart ;)

P.S. - If after all this, you feel like cancelling the deal, I understand.

Cheers,
Ilhaam

I wake up with a headache. Must be because all the crying. I check my phone to find the time to be 11:30 am. No notifications from anyone. I understand. It's generally Zayan who loads my phone with notifications but after that email, he can't send anything, right? This is the new normal. I must get used to it.

Since I'm not even in a mood to check social media like the other days, I place my phone back on the table and cover myself with the sheet to sleep again. But then I hear dad speaking to someone outside and it annoys me. Just because it's a Sunday, some jobless idiot decides to show up in the morning itself. Whoever that is, must be a dumb ass!

Now that I can't sleep, I decide to wallow in my sadness staying awake. A cup of tea would definitely help. So, I shout, "mom, mom, mom" several times but I get no response from her. This is strange, Generally she would come in as soon as I call her.

I shout again, this time louder than before, "Mom, I need tea!" but still no signs of her. Must be busy making tea for that stupid friend of dad's that she can't hear her own daughter. Brown families and their priorities!

I can go to the kitchen and ask for it but then the moron seated in the hall might see me while I pass that place. If I were dressed well, I wouldn't mind. But right now, I'm in my shabby, sad night dress and I don't want anyone to see me like this. This is what I used to wear during the Sameer breakup days. So, last night before I sat to type the email, I wore it for special effects. And it certainly helped me get sadder.

I get impatient and I finally walk out. As I pass the hall, I spot a familiar face. Hell no! Damn! What the hell? No, this can't be! It is Zayan looking good as ever, talking to my dad in the hall. Is this some sort of nightmare? I pinch myself to check whether it's a dream but I feel the pain, so obviously this is real.

Before I could escape that place, he sees me and waves at me with a smile. I wave at him too with an awkward expression and run to the kitchen. What just happened? Zayan-freaking-jawline saw me in my shabby night dress with my puffy face and unbrushed teeth! And he probably heard me shouting for tea too.

Abort! Abort! Mission abort! Can someone find me a time machine, please? I'm escaping planet earth now. Or I need to dig myself a grave and jump into it right now. This is possibly the most embarrassing moment of my life.

I enter the kitchen and find mom speaking to someone over the phone. So, she has been here the whole time when I was screaming at the top of my lungs asking for tea. She must have seen Zayan too. Why didn't she just wake me up then? This is crazy. I mean, I may have rejected his love but he is still my client, right? So, of course I care about the image I maintain with him.

Anyway, why is Zayan even here? Did he get angry after reading my email and is he here to shame me in front of my family? So, after all, he is not the nice gentleman that I thought he was. But then he smiled at me and it seemed genuine as usual. Ugh! This is so confusing! Mom doesn't seem to end her damn phone conversation either for me to get some sort of clarity.

I walk upto her and tap on her shoulders, when  she says over the phone, "She is here. You come soon, okay?" And finally hangs up. "Mom, what's going on? Why is that guy here?" I ask looking confused. She smiles in a strange way and says, "You tell me. He told us that he is here to talk about you." I was right. He is definitely here for revenge!

"But why didn't you wake me up?" I ask angrily. Mom frowns at me and says, "Drama queen, stop acting. If you knew someone was coming home, you should've woken up on time. That's not my responsibility." Oh man! She thinks that I'm aware of it. Poor mom. Must be thinking of Zayan as a suitor. That's why she has this weird smile on her face. Little does she know that I broke up with him in the morning and that he is here for an absolutely different reason.

"Mom, I didn't even know that fellow was coming" I say. Mom shakes her head and says, "I don't have time for your lies, Ilhaam. I need to prepare tea for him. He came in just a while ago. I have informed Salima. She will be here now."

I make a face at her and say, "Okay, prepare tea for me too." Mom sighs and says, "You can have tea later. Look at you in that night dress. The guy might run away. First go and change your clothes." I roll my eyes and say, "Well, that's the kind of thing I would've done had you woken me up. It's all your fault. And that idiot's fault. Not mine."

Mom gives me a serious look and says, "Ilhaam, don't call people names. Show some respect." Well, my mom is just unnecessarily excited now and she is going to get her heart broken when she comes to know the truth. I can't even help her at this point. So, I cover myself with my shawl completely and run like a ninja. I don't want to meet Zayan's eyes a second time in this unbelievably gorgeous outfit.

I return from the washroom after a bath to hear the kids screaming around. Salima must be here. I quickly dress up and peep to see whether Zayan is gone but he is still there, seated and talking to dad and my brother-in-law in the hall. They all seem happy. It doesn't look like Zayan has mentioned anything about the email yet. Wonder why!

I get back to my room and start blow drying my hair when Salima walks in and says, "Ilhaam! I'm so happy. It's finally happening!" I roll my eyes and ask, "What's happening?" She clearly doesn't know what's going on. Just overly excited. My entire family is crazy!

"He is here to ask for your hand in marriage. Mom, dad and my husband — everyone likes him!" says Salima with a wide grin. I sigh and say, "He's not here for that Sally. Stop daydreaming! I said 'no' to him in the morning, so he is here to shame me now."

Salima gives me a strange look and says, "But I heard him talk to them about it and even mom told me that. Now, what's this story about saying 'no'?" I sigh and say, "I figured it won't work between us, so I said 'no'. Wait, I will go talk to him now and prove it to all of you."

"Ilhaam, don't be stupid. You will never get another opportunity like this again. And even after you saying 'no', if he has come, it means he truly loves you" says Salima sounding all serious. I shake my head and say, "Stop calling him an opportunity. It annoys me! And if he comes here even after I say 'no', it means that he doesn't care about my decision. There is nothing nice about that."

Before Salima could say anything else, I wrap my shawl, grab my phone, and storm out of the room. And I interrupt the lovely conversation in the hall with, "Zayan, I need to talk to you." Like in a dramatic TV serial, everyone looks at me as if I committed a grave sin. "Ilhaam, go inside" says mom. Ugh! Typical TV serial mom trying to control her unruly daughter. I don't even look at her face because I know if I do, she would scold me.

"Yeah sure. Take a seat" says Zayan. What an idiot! Does he expect me to talk to him in front of my family? "Not here. Alone. Come out" I say. Dad gives me a look and says, "Ilhaam". Poor dad trying to do his TV serial role too but failing horribly at it. Just saying my name isn't going to stop me from anything.

Zayan smiles in a strange way and walks towards the door when mom asks, "Ilhaam, what is this?" Salima and Zafar say something too but I don't hear them clearly. They are probably telling mom and dad that it's okay for me to speak to Zayan alone. I mean, obviously, right? If it were a stupid proposal groom, they would've approved this. So, why can't I talk to my client for a few minutes alone?

"Mom, it's okay. I'm just going to be on the verandah. Besides, he is safe. I've known him for four months" I say and step out. "I'm safe, huh? At least I've earned your trust. That's good enough" says Zayan with a chuckle.

I shake my head and ask, "How did you even find my place?" Zayan smiles and says, "Well, I knew four of your family members and two of your friends and the other day when I came to the park, you gave me clear directions to your house. So, it wasn't that hard to find. Why do you look so angry by the way?" I can't believe he's pretending to be all normal after reading my email. Maybe he doesn't care about my feelings at all.

"And why did you come?" I ask with a frown. Zayan smiles and says, "Because you asked me to propose to you like an old-fashioned man, so I decided that I'd come speak to your parents directly. If you and your folks are okay with it, I will bring my family next week." I start smiling even though I'm not supposed to. I mean, this guy is unbelievably genuine and crazy.

I gasp and he asks, "Wait, Ilhaam. You did not expect a dramatic proposal with a ring and flowers, right? I'm not romantic enough to do that. I'm sorry." Did I? Of course not. And who cares about it anyway?

"Forget about what I expected. Why would you come even after I sent you the email?" I ask. Zayan gives me a strange look and asks, "What email?" I sigh and say, "The email I sent you in the morning with the response." He shakes his head and says, "I did not receive any email."

I give him an angry look and say, "Dude, don't lie!" and before he could respond, my niblings swarm around us, saying, "Why isn't the internet working? Fix it, please!" I tell them, "Babies, please go and ask mom. I'm talking." And they leave.

"Ilhaam, why would I lie?" asks Zayan with a confused look and that's when I realize — probably the WiFi is disconnected and the email may have never got sent! And I would've been too sleepy to notice anything.

"Umm..but I sent one. Wait, I will see" I say and I open gmail to find what I wrote resting peacefully among the drafts. This is honestly crazy. Could it be fate playing its tricks on me? I don't think so. It's just my stupidity! No wonder Zayan is here! He doesn't even know what I was planning.

"Zayan, I'm sorry. It hasn't got sent. But I want you to read it now" I say and hand over my phone to him. He starts reading it and then asks with a chuckle, "Seriously? Perfect Jawline? Is that a nickname?" I roll my eyes and say, "Yeah, please read the rest and then talk." He continues to read with his general smile, which turns into a grim expression in between and finally becomes a fake smile.

"Ilhaam, this is..uh.." he says and stops with a sigh. I ask, "What?" and he replies, "This is unfair. How can I be responsible for what happened to you in your twenty-five years and whatever that Sameer did to you?"

I sigh and say, "Zayan, I know this is such a bullshit statement but it's not you, it's me. I know you are not to be blamed but I had to take this decision and I want you to respect it."

He shakes his head and says, "Ilhaam, I respect your decision but I'm very disappointed with the fact that a woman who spoke about colorism so well is today rejecting me on the basis of skin tone and a woman who wrote such beautiful words about second chances is not ready to give herself one."

"I know. I'm a mess and I'm fake. I pretend to be something that I'm not. You don't need a person like me. I am capable of only making your life a living hell. I'm sorry" I say with tears in my eyes. This is harder than I thought. Writing the email was easier than looking at his jawline and stating the obvious.

Zayan sighs and says, "I never knew this was your response. Had I known, I wouldn't have come at all. I'm sorry for making it public to your family. But are you serious about this though?" I nod and say, "Yeah, I am. When I spoke to Amer yesterday, he told me to take a decision wholeheartedly but I don't know whether I've done that. Anyway, let's just go ahead with it."

"Okay then. I..I will get going" says Zayan. I nod in silence. He gives me my phone and says with a smile, "By the way, I saw your hair earlier. You are not bald." Seriously? Even at this time, how can he try to be jovial? Man, I will miss him. But this is it. The end of our story.

"Really? Is that the only thing you noticed?" I ask with a fake smile. He says, "Yeah, you looked good." Okay what? Did he just say that about me in my beggarly night dress with my morning face? What is this? Trolling me or true love? He sounds genuine though. Not even laughing. Why do I suddenly feel like I made the wrong decision? This is bad.

"Thanks" I say with a smile. "Ilhaam, I need to tell you one last thing before I leave" says Zayan. I ask, "What?" He smiles and says, "I'm willing to fight colorism with you if you want me to, maybe as a client." I frown at first. Then I smile. And that's all it takes. My heart melts and my eyes get teary. I try to speak but I don't.

He says, "See you, Ilhaam" and turns to leave and I say, "Zayan, please don't go." He gives me a confused look and asks, "Why? You have anything else to tell me?" I wipe my tears and say, "Yes. I love you."

"But—" he starts and I say, "I know I changed my decision real quick. The thing is, you are too good, Mr. Perfect Jawline. If I let you go now, I will never be able to forgive myself. And for your information, this is what I am and this what I will be. Though I said 'yes' now, I'm very much capable of throwing tantrums even on the day of our wedding, but I promise to always love you with every inch of my heart. So, if you're still interested, please go ahead and talk to my parents about our wedding." He smiles and says, "Sure. I love you too, drama queen."

I say, "umm..Zayan". He gives me a strange look and asks, "What? Changed your mind already?" I smile and reply, "No, I just want you to know that in the future, just because I'm your wife, you cannot expect me to provide my marketing services for free." He shakes his head and asks, "Seriously? Not even a husband discount?"

I roll my eyes and say, "Not at all! Once a client, always a client." And with that we both burst into laughter and enter the house.

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The End 💞

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