So what do I tell Zayan? Ever since he brought up the topic of marriage, I feel more afraid than before. What if I make the wrong decision? What if this decision haunts me for life? What if it costs me everything I have now?

Despite staying up all night and weighing the pros and cons of saying 'yes' to Zayan, I still couldn't find clarity at all. So finally I decided to openly discuss this with someone who might understand my fears and insecurities without any judgements. And that's why I'm on my way to Amer's therapy center now. Hopefully he would be able to help me.

As I keep thinking, my phone vibrates. I unlock it to find a text from Zayan, "Queen of assumptions👸🏾" The message immediately draws a smile on my face. I start typing a reply.

Me: lol 😂
Me: it's a new nickname every day 🤦🏾‍♀️
Zayan: and each name suits u well 🤷🏻‍♂️
Me: sure 🤨
Zayan: what's up? 😅
Me: on my way to meet someone important 🤓
Zayan: who? 🧐
Me: guess 😈
Zayan: the groom who was supposed to come on the weekend? 😏
Me: why would I meet him? 🙄
Zayan: so that u could compare and decide who is better 😂
Me: wrong 👿
Zayan: then? 🤔
Me: Amer
Zayan: why Amer? 😃
Me: talking to him might give me some clarity to decide on the response 😌
Zayan: lol am I that bad that u need a therapist's support to decide? 😅
Me: u are not bad at all 😋 that's the prob
Zayan: 🤷🏻‍♂️
Zayan: maybe I should bribe him and get him to convince u 😂
Me: immediate disqualification for foul play 😡
Zayan: noted 😧
Me: don't disturb me for the next one hour 😏
Zayan: yes ma'am 👀
Me: 😅🙌🏾

If I say 'no' to this guy, would I ever be able to find happiness over such silly conversations with someone else again? I don't think so. But I can't make a life decision for something so small, right? I must think of the bigger consequences. So what I'm about to do is the right thing.

"Hi" I say as I enter the therapy room. Amer smiles vibrantly as always and asks, "Hey Ilhaam! Do we have a meeting today? I cannot recall scheduling one." Oh damn. He thinks I'm here for marketing purposes. Probably, he can't even imagine me returning for therapy.

Wonder what he would think when I start talking about my insecurities again. I hope he is supportive as ever and does not find me annoying. Anyway, I've paid for this session, so he can't get mad at me. But what if he feels like all the free sessions he gave me previously have gone wasted? Then he is likely to get irritated, right? I mean, after all those efforts, here I am insecure as ever. Shame on me!

"Amer, this is not a business meeting. I'm here, desperately seeking your guidance to make an important life decision" I say. He smiles and replies, "Sure. Let's talk. Take a seat and tell me what it is." Should I mention Zayan's name or just refer it as a random guy? Wonder how Amer would react if he gets to the person I'm involved with. The truth is, I have never even told him once that Zayan is a client of mine. So, he'd probably get shocked.

"It's about a guy, an almost perfect one. He has asked for my hand in marriage but I'm not sure whether I want him. My heart says 'yes' but my mind says 'no'. I need you to help me make the right decision" I say with a sigh. Amer gives me a funny look and asks, "Alright. So tell me more. Why this confusion? Any particular reason?"

"Well, there are quite a lot of reasons. Like I told you earlier, he is almost perfect. Dashing looks, lovely personality, great humor, intelligent, kind, sweet, caring — I mean, he is like a fictional character that any woman would fall in love with. And I had a crush on him from day one. That's it, just an attraction and I expected nothing else because I knew he was way out of my league. It was all okay. But ever since he confessed his love a few days back, I've been feeling too insecure around him. And these insecurities make me think that he too will leave me some day just like Sameer did. So I'm afraid. I even had nightmares of getting drowned in the water by him" I say.

"Okay, so to my understanding, there are two sides to this — re-emerging insecurities and a haunting past experience. Am I right?" asks Amer. I nod and he continues to speak, "Let's talk about the insecurities first. What kind of insecurities are you dealing with?"

I sigh and say, "Umm...he is fair-skinned. I think that's my biggest concern. The truth is, thanks to your therapy sessions, I honestly love myself now and I do believe that I'm beautiful the way I am but when I compare myself to this dude, I sometimes feel like I'm not enough. Especially after he popped the question to me yesterday, all I could imagine is our wedding and how people will throw mean comments like he is too good-looking for me, or that I don't deserve him because I'm brown-skinned and so on."

"So, it's about other people's opinions? Is that what you are worried about?" asks Amer. I say, "Yes, mainly it's the society. But I also fear that he might feel superior about his looks and treat me poorly."

"Why do you think he would do that? Has he ever talked to you with a 'I-am-better-than-you' or 'I-feel-sorry-for-you' attitude? Because that's something that could indicate the possibility of superiority complex in someone" says Amer. I think for sometime and say, "Not at all. I told you, he's an absolute sweetheart. He treats me with a lot of respect and he even claims to understand colorism. But what if the people around us change him in the future? I mean, what if they feed him that feeling of superiority?"

Amer smiles and says, "Ilhaam, so clearly, it's an external reaction that you are worried about. We have discussed this before and you know this well. But I will repeat it. People are always going to have something to say. Despite what you look or what you are, there will always be a set of them who will talk behind your back and it's something you have no control over. The truth is, you shouldn't be giving importance to their words at all, because what they say is a reflection of their selves and has got nothing to do with you or this new guy in your life. I understand these things can be hurtful but it's all in the way you take it. Learn to ignore it. Act as if you are deaf to their negativities. If you ask me, I would say it's stupid to change the path of your entire life just because you might face a few bad moments with people who you don't even care about. I mean, at the end of the day, it's your life and not theirs. And all what matters is how you both treat each other."

"Makes sense. But there's also something else that's bothering me. Am I not being a colorist when I keep falling in love with light-skinned dudes? I mean, Sameer was tan and this guy is fair. It's like I speak of colorism so much, yet even I don't follow it. It feels morally wrong. Marrying this guy would mean I'm going against what I preach. Don't you think so Amer?" I ask.

"Ilhaam, to be honest, I don't see it that way. I mean, everyone has preferences. There's nothing wrong in that" says Amer with a smile. I shake my head and ask, "But isn't that what colorism is all about? This whole preference in skin tones that I'm fighting for people to get rid of?"

"Nah, there's something more to it. Come on, you know colorism better than anyone else. Define it for me, please" says Amer with a challenging look on his face. I say, "Well, according to a popular dictionary, colorism is differential treatment based on skin color, especially favoritism toward those with a lighter skin tone and mistreatment or exclusion of those with a darker skin tone."

"There you go. 'Differential', 'mistreatment' and 'exclusion' — three words that say colorism is more than just preferences" says Amer with a smile. I eye-roll and say, "Okay, so technically you have proved me wrong. But it still doesn't feel right."

Amer smiles and says, "Ilhaam, tell me this. Have you ever slighted a brown-skinned man for his color before you started looking at this guy or Sameer?" I shake my head at once and say, "No, I would never do that. As far as I know, I respect and treat everyone equally. No preferences."

"See, you know yourself well. That's what matters, right? I don't understand why you feel so bad about it. Is his skin tone the reason why you started liking this guy in the first place?" asks Amer with a confused look. "Of course not! I would very much like to give you a noble answer like it's because of his character or something, but to be honest, the first attraction was solely because of his jawline" I say awkwardly. Amer laughs and says, "Jawline? Oh wow. That's a weird answer. But at least we can be happy that jawline doesn't fall within the colorism category. So don't overthink it. Let's move on, shall we?" I nod my head.

"Okay now, tell me about your other fears that stem from your past experience. Noticed any red flags?" asks Amer. I think for sometime and say, "I don't know. Sometimes I see certain statements of his as red flags and sometimes I don't. For example, he mentioned about an ex and he said that he doesn't regret losing her but he just regrets his actions that caused the breakup. What do you think?"

"Straightforward. Doesn't seem like a guy who dwells in his past. He has taken a lesson out of it, which is a good thing. I don't think you need to worry about that. Anything else?" asks Amer. I sigh and say, "He told me that his breakup might have made him commitment-phobic and that he used to run away from girls whenever they started developing serious feelings for him. I was really worried the moment he said that. I mean, one day he could do the same thing to me too, right? But then he told me it wasn't the same feeling with me and that he really wants a serious relationship with me. Clearly a red flag, right?"

Amer thinks for sometime and says, "Ilhaam, it is true that commitment-phobia is a red flag. I wouldn't deny that. But in your case, it's not something that you noticed, rather what he confessed. I don't know who this guy is but as to your description, he seems to be someone who is trying to change. And that's a good sign."

I nod and say, "Yeah, that's one big difference from Sameer. This guy tries. But somehow, this whole thing could be a risk, right? It might either work or fail. I'm afraid to take chances and lose my current peace and happiness." Amer smiles and says, "Everything in life is a risk, Ilhaam. Even your business is but you are doing that, right?"

I sigh and say, "In business, it's my efforts and hard work that helps me. It's not the same in a relationship. Here, it depends on another human being and his emotions. In short, business won't wake up one day and tell me it doesn't love me anymore but a man might. I'm afraid. Besides, my single life is good. I don't think I will be able to focus on my career when I have a husband and a home to take care of."

"I understand your concern. I was very career-oriented at one point that even I felt that getting married might distract me. But over the years, I've come to realize that a supportive partner can actually help you grow in ways that you didn't even imagine before. Relationships are of course risky. But here's the thing. You need to genuinely ask yourself whether you can live without one. Don't decide on it based on a few fears. Think about it as a whole and then reach a conclusion. Above all, give yourself a chance because you deserve it" says Amer. For some weird reason, I'm not getting convinced with anything he is saying today. This is strange.

"I will try. By the way, you know this guy" I say. The only reason why I'm about to mention who the person is because as Zayan's therapist, Amer would know a lot about him, including his dark secrets. So, in case he feels that he is the wrong match for me, he might tell me that. Amer gives me a strange look and asks, "I do? Who is it?" I nod and say, "The guy who sponsored for your mental health event last time".

Amer raises his eyebrows and asks, "Zayan? No kidding! How did you even get to know each other?" I smile and say, "At your event of course. I mentioned about my business in my speech, right? He contacted me regarding that and the next day itself he became my client. So yeah, I've known him for the past four months now."

"Damn! This is a surprise. I wonder how many clients of mine meet and hit it off like this" says Amer. There is excitement in his voice and he sounds happy. So, maybe Zayan truly does not have any dark secrets. Otherwise, he won't be able to react this way, right?

"Haha I'm sure there are many. So Amer, now that you know who the person is, tell me more about Zayan. What do you think about this whole thing? Should I say 'yes' or 'no'?" I ask awkwardly.

Amer smiles and says, "Ilhaam, as a therapist, I'm neither allowed to share details about my clients with another person for confidentiality reasons, nor am I allowed to tell you exactly what to do. I can only guide you and you will have to make your own decision. All what I can say is that, in my experiences with Zayan, I see him as very smart and genuine — someone you can trust. And I personally feel that two broken people can build a beautiful relationship because both have felt pain and wouldn't want to take any chances."

"You think so?" I ask. Amer nods and says, "Yeah, this might be good for you. But anyway, I'm not asking you to say 'yes'. It's still your life. You have to wholeheartedly decide on it. Don't do anything because I or anyone else says so."

"Fine. Do you think Zayan could be a rebound for me?" I ask. Amer smiles and says, "Absolutely not. If it were, you wouldn't be thinking so much. You would've just accepted him as soon as he confessed his love. I'm glad that you haven't made a hasty decision this time. It shows that you have healed to a great extent."

We continue to discuss a few more things and I finally say, "I don't know Amer. For the first time, I feel like I am walking out of your session without clarity. I'm still confused as ever. Amer smiles and says, "Don't worry. You will figure it out eventually. Go home. Relax and make a decision that you will not regret later in life." He sounds cryptic as ever. Why can't he make it easy for me by simply telling me whether to say 'yes' or 'no'?

I walk out, typing a message for Zayan, "you will receive your response tomorrow🤞🏾" I may be still feeling unclear but I don't want to delay this further. Poor Zayan! He has waited for nine days already. I can't make him wait any longer.

Decisions, decisions — that's what tonight is all about!

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Not even Amer could help her decide 😟 What do you think will be her response? The next chapter will be the final one by the way 😌♥️

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