Song for the chapter: All I Want, by Olivia Rodrigo

What the heck was wrong with me?

I'd spent a good part of four and a half years hating Ryker Brooks and everything he stood for: the whole badboy persona, the reputation that precedes him, the nonchalant way he carried himself like he didn't care about anything in the world except himself—well, him and his car.

But what he said? Maybe because you don't really know me? I kept replaying that in my head all night long, replaying the kiss...well, his kiss. I just kinda stood there. Everything I felt in that moment: confusion, anger...excitement.

That's what I was most confused about. Why did I feel so weirdly excited about it? That weird fluttery feeling in my chest and in the pit of my stomach when I thought about it? It was freaking me out. It wasn't normal for me.

It couldn't be normal for me.

Ryker and I are two polar opposites; one sophisticated, as myself, and one completely inconsequential as himself. He's egotistical, and I'm not. He's Ryker, and I'm Maddison. We come from two different worlds.

You don't really know me.

"Ugh!" I groan and hit my fist on my bed, getting up.

I push a hand through my hair as I walk to the bathroom. I brush my teeth, shave the peach fuzz I have above my upper lip and apply some mascara on my lashes. I throw the bottle on the counter before I walk back to my room.

I open my closet, looking through my outfits for the day. I don't even hesitate before grabbing a pair of dark blue jeans and an old grey shirt, tugging my pjs over my head. My eyes momentarily caught on my mirror hanging on the wall, freezing my movements.

I swallow, turning fully towards the mirror. I take several breaths, seeing my half naked body before my eyes and taking all the strength I had not to scream. I looked like a disfigured pear; too much on the top and bottom. So, so much fat. And my stretch marks, ugh. It made me wanna scream, that's how disgusted it made me.

The stretch marks came, obviously, when I started gaining weight super fast. It was most prominent in my sides, clawing up my ribs and below my breasts. Since I gained so much weight, I gained it everywhere, including my boobs. Now, they were just huge. The white marks never left my body; instead, they permanently carved my skin, never letting me forget the fact that I had, in fact, gotten to that extent. I also had white marks going down my shoulders, deep and long.

I shudder as I repulse myself; these are my scars. The wounds I have to deal with every single day, telling me that I'll never amount to anything more than this: a fat, unloveable mess.

I grab a random piece of clothing from a hanger and cover the mirror. I never cared much for seeing my reflection, anyway. Especially when changing or showering. So this is one less temptation to ridicule myself around here.

I pull the jeans up my legs and the shirt over my body. I tug on some socks and grab my matching grey shoes, finishing my outfit. I walk to my dresser, grab my scrunchie and pull my hair on top of my head and twist it in a knot to stay.

I had a shift down at Joe's today, but I wanted to make sure I left earlier than normal so I avoided any altercation with Ryker today. He just wouldn't work in my world; look at my life compared to his.

I grabbed my phone and wallet and walked down the stairs. When I got outside, the crisp, chilly morning air surprised me. Even though it's summer time, almost July, the mornings still get pretty cold, as do the nights. It's why I loved summer—it's warm, not crazy hot, but still get that relief at night. But the fall and winter just get too cold and snowy. A downfall of being in Montana and so close to Canada, but I wouldn't wanna live anywhere else.

I make it to Joe's ten minutes before my shift starts, surprised to see me so early. Ophelia, Joe's wife, welcomes me warmly as we wipes down the tables again before the morning rush. Joe's wasn't a Starbucks, but it's the fact that it's family-owned, friendly and down-to-earth that draws people in. It's what drew me in, and when I needed the extra cash, since I'm always in here studying and drinking mochas, they offered me the job.

I went to the back and put my wallet in my small locker, grabbing my white apron that had my name tag on it. I tied it around my waist and waited to clock in right at seven-thirty, greeting my co-workers Jack, Terri and Ingrid.

Once the doors were officially open, the rush started. I served people left and right, giving them coffee either to-go or bringing it to their tables, along with whatever breakfast pastry they wanted this morning. I give them polite smiles and you're welcomes when they thank me, going on throughout my morning until I see my usual customer, Julia.

"Morning, Ms. Julia."

Julia was an older woman, probably in her sixties or seventies, though she'd never tell me. Her hair was short and died a stunning grey color. Her brown eyes were soft, a beautiful honey color. And her old age didn't stop her from wearing makeup, false lashes or extravagant clothing.

"Maddison, dear. How have you been?"

Julia comes in once or twice a week, but always asks me that anyway.

"I've been fine, Jules." I laugh as I set down her caramel latte with extra whip and a cheese danish. "You?"

"Busy living, dear. You know one can never live the same day twice." She grins as she sips through her straw, leaving behind red smudge. "What about you? Have you found any fine bachelors yet?"

"Ms. Julia!" I feel my face flush. "I told you that dating is a priority for me right now."

"That's nonsense; dating should always be a priority, Maddi. How do you know if you a guy has what you like or not if you don't? Or if he'll satisfy you in—"

"Julia!" I hush her with a beet red face.

"What? It's true."

"You're so—" I chuckle in disbelief. "I gotta finish my shift."

"I'm just saying," she says in a sing-song voice. "You just need explore your options a bit. Open yourself up to what life has to offer."

I roll my eyes playfully. "You're one of a kind, Julia. I'll see you around."

"You know, deep down, I'm right!" She calls out as I turn and walk towards the counter.

I shake my head at her as I get back to my job, wiping down the counter and taking orders the rest of my shift, which ended at one. I clocked out, threw my apron in my locker and grabbed my wallet. I bid farewell to Ophelia, who was grabbing something from the stock room, and walk out of the back door.

I admire the sounds of the birds in the trees, the wind blowing in the trees, the warmness of the sun beating down on me. I walk a bit slower today, prolonging the inevitable of actually getting home and having to possibly face Ryker.

The closer I got to my street, the more the squeezing in my chest got. Maybe Karmiah wanted to hang out? Maybe I could just go do something else entirely? Just turn around and go back towards town.

But my feet didn't comply; they kept taking me home. More than anything, I had the strongest urge to swim today, oddly enough. So that's what I'd do, Ryker or no Ryker.

I walked down the street, head held high with determination. Alas, it was mostly for show because his garage was shut. He wasn't outside, which was a huge relief.

I walked up the porch steps and unlocked the door. I stepped in and listened for a moment. I didn't hear anything, so I scurried up the stairs and into my room. I threw my stuff on my nightstand and opened my drawers, fishing through my things until I found my black bikini.

I change into quickly and let my hair go from its bun. While I hate my body, I don't mind swimming in my own backyard, alone, in a bikini. I needed the tan, anyway. That's why I loved having the six-foot privacy fence—I'd be in the comfort of my own backyard and nobody would bother me.

I slip on my flip flops before I take a towel from the bathroom. I trudge down the stairs and walk through the kitchen and living room to get to the back door. I open it, already smelling the chlorine of the pool. I sigh in content, tossing my towel on the lounge chair that was under the shade and slid off my flip flops beside it.

I take a deep breath before I dive in, head first, and submerge underwater. The water is cold, goosebumps spreading across my skin, but it felt good in comparison to the warmth of the hot day today. I popped my head up, pushing my hair from my face and breathing. I lap the pool, again and again.

I take a deep breath before dipping back down under the water, swimming from the shallow end back to the deeper end of the pool. I was able to reach the wall before needing to come up for air.

I grip onto the ledge, breathing heavy, before I realize someone's boots in my vision. I tilt my head as I trail my eyes upward, finding a very familiar set of hazel eyes gazing down on me.

"What the hell, Ryker!" I shriek. "What are you doing here?"

"What? You can wander into my backyard but I can't wander into yours?"

"No! You can't!"

He smirks. "There was a package delivered to my door by mistake, with your name on it." It was then I saw the box resting against his hip. "I was going to knock, but heard the water."

"Awesome," I say sarcastically. "Then just leave it by the back door and leave." I push off the wall and swim backward a bit.

"And just like that? You're not gonna invite me in?"

I scoff. "Absolutely not."

"Kind of selfish."

"Kind of don't care." I mock.

Ryker shakes his head and walks to the back door. I lean my head back into the water, letting my hair get wet and cooled off. In a moment, though, I hear a huge splash, and water hitting my face.

I sit up attentively and find Ryker—I actually find Ryker—had jumped in my pool anyway.

When he swam up, I give him a pointed look. "What the hell?"

He pushes his long fingers through his wet hair. Water droplets were dripping down his perfectly sculpted face, down his broad and defined shoulders, making me shudder involuntarily. Ryker didn't fail to notice.

"You weren't gonna invite me in, so."

"Yeah, it's my pool." I reiterate.

By now, I was in the middle ground of the pool. You know, not too deep, not too shallow. I was able to stand, but the water was right at my chest. Ryker, being so tall, the water was at his torso. I was able to see the black ink that was peeking out from his side, but I couldn't tell what.

"Come on, Maddison." He smiles mischievously. "You can't handle a little heat?"

I narrow my eyes at him. "I can handle anything I want. I choose not to handle you."

Ryker studies me for a moment, which makes me feel squirmish. Then suddenly, he splashes water at my face.

"Chicken shit."

I wipe my face. "Are you, like, seven?"

He does it again.

"Seriously? How old even are—"

He cuts me off with more water. I let out a long, angry exhale. This time I'm just glaring at him and he throws water at my face. So I launch for him.

I press both hands on his shoulder and shove him under the water, which proved no use when he just grabbed onto my waist and took me down with him.

Under the water, our hair was flowing all around us. But I didn't realize how close we were to one another; Ryker was directly in front of me, his beautiful, stormy hazel eyes inspecting every inch of my face. And his hands were still on my waist.

When we resurfaced, I was already taking deep breaths as I pushed the hair from my face. I couldn't even look at him, my heart was beating so fast. What even was this right now?

One of Ryker's hands left my waist, to cup my cheek. "Look at me, Maddison."

I looked up from under my lashes, his eyes big and expressive of something that I was too scared to see.

"Can't you see what you're doing to me?"

My heart was beating in my ears. I couldn't breathe normal. But this was Ryker Brooks, and he knew just the right thing to say to get into any girls pants, right?

Wake up, Maddison. You're no different. Look at you.

I furrow my brows, pushing against his chest. "What is this? Some kind of ploy to check off banging the undesirable fat chick next door?" I felt my voice trembling, but not sure from what. "That's low, even for you, Ryker."

"What are you—"

"Just leave!" I explode. "Can't you see I don't want you here? God, I don't know how much clearer I have to say it in order for you to understand."

Ryker's face fell, lips forming a straight line. "You think you got the whole world figured out, huh, Maddison?" Ryker scoffs. "Well, you don't know shit."

And with that, he angrily climbed out of the pool, snatched his clothes from where he discarded them and stalked away. I cross my arms, pouting to myself.

Everyone wanted me to freaking open up and be happy, but how was I supposed to do that when the only person who seemed to be interested was Ryker? Ryker was not the person I wanted to be with; he's just the complete opposite of who I envision myself with: someone safe, loyal, and fiercely loyal to me. He'd get bored of me within a day.

I didn't want Ryker. I want something better.

But why was something, deep down, telling me that Ryker is exactly who I wanted to try with?

A/N

We just love naive, innocent babies 😌🥴

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