#ABNQ55 Chapter 55

Six years ago...

I must have had cursed pretty loudly dahil hindi lang si Marcus ang napa-tingin sa akin, kung hindi pati iyong ibang tao sa row na iyon. Gusto ko na lang takpan iyong mukha ko sa kahihiyan, pero hindi ko agad nagawa dahil biglang nanahimik iyong buong auditorium.

"Shit, si Dr. Villescas nga!" sabi nung isang babae sa pinaka-dulo ng row.

"Sobrang swerte natin, girl!" sabi naman nung isa. "Shit, wala na namang tulugan 'to!"

Gusto ko sanang magtanong kung sino ba si Dr. Villescas pero hindi ko na nagawa iyon dahil papaakyat na siya sa stage. Mabilis kong inilibot ang mga mata ko. Wala ng ibang vacant seat! Swerte ko naman talaga!

Quickly, I took the vacant seat. Pinilit kong magfocus sa harapan ko kahit na ramdam na ramdam ko iyong katabi ko.

"Bakit ka nandito?" bulong niya sa akin.

Nilabas ko iyong notebook ko. I wasn't doing anything wrong, but this felt so wrong. Nangako ako kay Psalm na wala ng sikreto, na wala ng Marcus... Pero ano ang gagawin ko kung naiipit ako sa sitwasyon?

God, it felt like I was making excuses for myself, but there really was nothing else to do! My other choice was to stand during the lecture!

"Why are you here?" balik na tanong ko sa kanya. Nagsimulang magpakilala iyong professor namin sa Human Anatomy. Pinaliwanag niya iyong mga requirements and course expectation para sa buong school year. I was religiously jotting down notes nang mapansin ko na nasa akin iyong mga mata ni Marcus.

"What?" tanong ko nang bumaling ako sa kanya. I didn't want to sound off as rude, but I... I just didn't want any more trouble. And as much as I wanted him to be my friend, kung pag-aawayan lang namin siya palagi ni Psalm, then I'd just have to accept that I shouldn't have Marcus in my life.

Psalm's my boyfriend—he's my priority. And if being friends with Marcus was hurting him, then I'd do everything to prevent that from happening.

"Akala ko sa St. Claire's ka?" tanong niya.

"Obviously, I'm here," I replied. Kita ko na nagulat siya sa paraan ng pagsagot ko sa kanya. I immediately wanted to say sorry, but I thought that this would be better... I already helped him get into medschool... Tama na siguro 'yun. Panahon na para sarili ko naman iyong isipin ko. And I wanted Psalm in my life—and that would never happen if I'd keep on letting Marcus in.

Hindi na siya nagsalita pa pagkatapos noon. I tried to ignore him for the whole duration of the lecture. I'd just have to make sure na mas maaga akong papasok next time para sa ibang lugar ako maupo.

"Before the class ends, I need you to look at the people beside you," biglaang sabi ni Dr. Villescas. "They will be your seatmates for the entire school year. Good morning, and I hope you'd enjoy your first year in med school."

Biglang umawang iyong iyong labi ko.

Shit.

Nagsimula nang maglabasan iyong mga tao. I was still too stunned to even move. Iniisip ko na kung ano ang susunod kong gagawin—kung paano ko matatapos iyong taon na 'to ng walang pag-aaway na magaganap sa pagitan namin ni Psalm... Pero paano ko magagawa iyon kung palaging nasa tabi ko si Marcus?

* * *

For the next classes, I made sure na hindi ko katabi si Marcus. Kasi hindi ko na alam kung paano ko ipapaliwanag kay Psalm kung magiging seatmate ko si Marcus sa lahat ng subject. Pero anatomy pa rin iyong pinaka-time consuming ko na subject ngayong tao. I was still pretty sure that I'd see more of Marcus than I could possibly want.

"Hey, okay ka lang?" Nikka asked.

Tumango ako habang nagdu-doodle sa notes ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan ba ako napagod talaga—kung sa pakikinig at pag-a-absorb ng lahat ng information, o sa pag-iisip kung paano ko kakausapin si Psalm mamaya.

"Yeah, 'di lang ako sanay sa ganito karami na inaaral," sabi ko sa kanya.

She smiled at me. "Okay lang 'yan, makaka-adjust ka rin," she said. Galing din sa St. Claire's si Nikka kaya nagka-sundo agad kami. Although she took up BS Pharmacy nung undergrad niya kaya siguro mas madali sa kanya iyong mga subject ngayon.

It was already 5pm when the last class for the day ended. Tahimik lang ako habang inaayos iyong mga gamit ko. I was already looking forward to sleeping, pero ang dami ko pang kailangang basahin. Ito na nga yata talaga iyong sinasabi ni Papa na sobrang daming kailangang basahin... Dagdag pa na mas marami akong kailangang habulin dahil 'di naman Science-based iyong undergrad course ko.

"Joey."

Agad akong napa-hinto sa paglalakad nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Marcus. Dahan-dahan akong lumingon para tignan siya. Gusto ko siyang kausapin. Gusto ko lang ipaliwanag kung saan ako nanggagaling. Gusto ko rin maintindihan niya na hindi ko naman 'to gusto—pero kailangan ko lang talagang mamili.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Akala ko..." he trailed. I waited for him to finish what he was saying. Hindi ko rin kasi alam kung saan ako magsisimula. Mas mabuti siguro kung tatanungin niya na lang ako... Kasi sasagutin ko siya. Ayoko nang magsinungaling. Gusto ko lang manatili si Psalm sa buhay ko. I didn't care much about anything else.

"Bakit ka nandito?" he asked.

I looked him straight into his eyes. I braced myself as I began to say the words—words I chose carefully because I didn't want to hurt him... I just wanted to explain why I'd be doing what I'd do. That I wasn't doing this out of whim.

"Because I thought you'd be studying there," I replied. Mas hinigpitan ko ang hawak sa mga libro ko. Pilit kong tinignan siya sa mga mata niya kahit na nalulungkot ako kung bakit kailangan naming dumating sa ganito. "Bakit ka nandito, Marcus?"

There was a small smile on his face—sad, even. "Nakaka-tawa," sagot niya. "Akala ko... Akala ko nandun ka kaya nandito ako."

Walang nagsalita sa amin.

Parehas naka-tingin sa isa't-isa.

Nakaka-tawa nga. Kung kailan parehas naming gustong umiwas, at saka pa kami pinagtagpo ng tadhana.

"I can't be friends with you," I said.

Tumango siya. "Alam ko."

"I'm sorry."

Tinignan niya ako. "Ako rin."

Hindi na ako nakapagsalita pa dahil tinalikuran niya ako.

* * *

I needed to study for three of my subjects dahil may quiz daw bukas. Pero hindi ako makapag-aral dahil hindi pa rin nagrereply si Psalm. Hindi ako mapakali hanggang hindi kami nag-uusap at hindi ko napapa-liwanag sa kanya iyong nangyari.

I just didn't want to go through all that shit again. Na kahit alam ko sa sarili ko na wala naman akong ginagawang masama kaya hindi ako nagsabi, nauwi pa rin kami sa hindi pagkakaintindihan. I just didn't want to commit the same mistakes again—iyong hindi ako nagsasabi. O kung nagsasabi man ako, hindi ko naipapaliwanag nang maayos iyong sarili ko.

In the middle of trying to study, my phone vibrated.

Nikka: anong material mo para sa anatomy?

Me: yung book lang. May iba ba?

Nikka: oo kaya!!! Kanina after physio nagpunta kami sa xerox. Di ka nakakuha???

Me: shit seryoso?

Nikka: oo girl! Sabi ng higher batch dun daw kumukuha si dra ng quiz items.

Me: madaming page ba? Pwede ba pa pic tapos pa-send?

Nikka: oo pero send ko sayo wait lang sa email na lang para mas malinaw. Send mo email mo

Halos iuntog ko iyong sarili ko sa pader dahil sa sinabi ni Nikka. I was too preoccupied earlier na hindi ko napansin iyong nangyari. Masyado kong iniisip iyong pag-uusap namin ni Marcus pati iyong pagsasabi ko kay Psalm. If it weren't for Nikka, hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin bukas.

While I was waiting for Nikka's email, my phone rang. It was Psalm. Agad akong tumayo, at naglakad papunta sa veranda. The cold air brushed against my skin. Hindi ko alam kung nilalamig na ba ako o kinakabahan. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko.

"Hey," bungad niya. "How's the first day?"

I smiled upon hearing his voice. God, I missed him. Bakit nga ba dito ako nag-aral? If only I chose to study somewhere in Manila, mas madali sana kaming makakapagkita ni Psalm...

But I needed this. I couldn't be dependent forever. At one point, I knew I needed to grow up.

"Stressful," I said. "I want to talk, but I have quizzes tomorrow..."

"Yeah, sure. I just called because you texted me. I thought you wanted to say something."

Huminga ako nang malalim.

I was never one who's good with words. Maybe I just had the knack on always choosing the wrong ones—that even with my best intentions, I always still managed to make them sound so wrong.

But now, I needed to try my best. Kasi wala sa harapan ko si Psalm. Mahirap magpaliwanag sa pamamagitan ng tawag lang. Ang daling ma-misinterpret ng mga salita.

"Psalm..." I began.

I heard him chuckling. "Hey, you're making me nervous. What is it?"

Huminga muli ako nang malalim. "Earlier, in my anatomy class, maaga naman akong dumating pero pagdating ko, puno na agad iyong lecture hall..." panimula ko. "Isa na lang iyong bakanteng upuan."

"And?"

I closed my eyes first before I continued. "Can we Facetime instead?" pakiusap ko. Mas mabuti na iyong makikita niya iyong mukha ko para alam niya na 'di ko naman 'to ginusto. Ni hindi ko naman pinlano na sa iisang school na naman kami.

Sobrang isang malaking joke lang siguro ang tingin ng tadhana sa buhay ko.

"You're really making me nervous," sabi niya.

"Please?" I asked again. He agreed, and called me again. Nang masagot ko iyong tawag niya, kitang-kita ko iyong pagkunot ng noo ko. He looked genuinely worried, and I hated myself for making him go through this again.

"Joey, what is it?" tanog niya.

I took a deep breath before I began to answer. I went back to my room, and started to pace back and forth while I told him about what happened.

"Marcus is here."

Tumigil ako sa paglalakad. Tinignan ko iyong itsura niya. I wanted to explain myself more, but I feared that I might sound defensive. Pakiramdam ko, kahit ano pa ang gawin ko, may hindi ako magagawang tama.

Ilang segundo pa ang hinintay ko, pero hindi na siya nagsalita pa. I was afraid that he'd take it the wrong way, so I quickly explained what really happened. Na hindi ko naman alam, na hindi ko naman gusto. Na ang gusto ko lang, mag-aral nang tahimik tapos makita siya tuwing weekend... Iyon lang naman talaga ang gusto ko.

"I'm sorry..." I said. I just didn't want to fight. I was already tired with everything, and the last thing that I wanted to do was to fight with him.

"It's not as if you wanted this to happen," he said with a small smile on his face. "Thank you for telling me this."

I bit my lower lip. "I don't want to fight."

He nodded. "Me, too," he said. "I want to talk to you more, but you have to study."

"I know... Bawi ako bukas..."

He smiled. "I'll try to go there on Wednesday, okay? And don't forget to eat."

I nodded. "Yup, I know. Thank you..." sabi ko habang naka-tingin pa rin sa mukha niya. Kung sana nandito lang siya. He always knew how to make me calm. I needed him more today dahil sobrang kinakabahan ako sa lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ko. It felt a little too much—the pressure was suffocating me.

"Psalm," tawag ko sa kanya bago ko pa ibaba iyong tawag. "I love you."

I knew I should've said that in person, but I felt like I needed to say it right now. Para alam niya na seryoso ako, na hindi ako gagawa ng kahit na ano para masira kami. 

And if it means avoiding Marcus, then I'd avoid him at all cost.