//inspired by Monster(by Seulgi&Irene) demo version//

☁☁☁

i walked past the aisle with my favorite snack
i realised i am a mess when i didn't pick up the pack.

the energy that was once vanilla, made for a routine
was now the energy that helped me rot within.

i found it hard for others to love me
because sometimes it's hard for me to love me.

the flowers in the bathtub only kissed me
because i had plucked them, dropped in the water and killed it.

they ask me to let go of the monsters,
little did they know they are me.
i want to heal but also not,
the wounds are after all, also the part of my skin.
(and you asked me to love myself, even the rotten and twisted parts of me).

tell me to love myself
so that others can love me.
let me tell you my friend(if you are one),
the ability to love doesn't come in isolation.
(a kid can't love unless she is taught to, the kid in me never learnt, the kid in me never grew.)

just filling the scars with glitter won't suffice,
you've drilled an idiotic idea
that my performance is my value as a person,
so when you say my poems aren't good, you scratch a new scar.

then you have this incapacitated need
to make me understand you and plead
but i am still discovering who i am
i yet don't get why i said what i say.

they ask me why i keep doing this, why i hurt me
it's a prasada from my friends and family
i have been taught not to say no to prasada by society.

people say what happened was good,
what happened happened for good,
it made me mature, it made me strong
but i just wanted to be a kid
who remembered pancakes with honey dripping
when they see their action figures
not blood and curse words.

in the end, i have killed the person who wanted to live
i am alive because the society frowns upon and my "loved ones" would cry
but the lower case isn't intended
i thought, at least in this way, my poems would look pretty.

☁☁☁