I throw myself into the taxi, which is a taxi this time and not Jake's driver. As I give him my address it results in the usual barely disguised sigh from the elderly man in the drivers seat. Then the tears finally break free and cascade down my face.

"I'm sorry, I know it's a bit far out." I sniffle.

The driver looks stunned, a little horrified even by my outburst.   "It's ok love really, it's not a problem.  You're my last fare of the night anyway." He says guiltily as he steals a look at me in the rearview mirror.

"Oh ok good. sorry, I'm just emotional tonight.  I'm ridiculous..." I mutter with a shake of my head, wiping the back of my hand across my face.  How embarrassing.  I need a tissue.  As I begin digging around in my bag for one I see his arm appear between the two front seats.

"Here you go," he says gently.   I thank him, still sniffling.  "Man trouble then?" he asks with a small fatherly smile.   Oh he has no bloody idea. 

I laugh, a small sad laugh before nodding.  "So predictable."

"Aw I see the lot doing this job sweetheart, you wouldn't believe." He says and I nod again.  I'm sure he has seen it all.  I'm sure me finding out that the deeply secretive man I've been sleeping with, who I've fallen in love with despite not knowing anything about, happening to have a son he didn't think to mention isn't the wildest thing he's ever heard.

For the entirety of the journey my temporary father figure in the driving seat offers me reams of assumed wisdom and advice with regards to my "man troubles", as he keeps referring to them.  Though a little patronizing I suppose he has quite a nice manner about him, and listening to him talking in his soft east London accent stops the scene that just played out with Jake playing out over and over again in my head. 

He offers me nothing new though unfortunately.  I'm sure it will work itself out like he says, and I'm sure if it's meant to be it will be.  I just hope that whichever of those outcomes is most likely happens soon because I feel like I've just been run over by a truck.  My bones and body feel shattered as my mind tries to make sense of what has just happened.

When he pulls up at my house I pay and tip him generously, and as I'm exiting his car he tells me I'm a lovely young girl and that he's sure I'll find the right man soon enough.  I'm about to ask him how you know when you've found the right one? 

Does the right one feel like you're being consumed by fire when you're with them? Like you cant breathe when you're apart?  Like you'd kill, maim or die rather than let anything happen to them??  And if so should you just ignore everything else that may not be perfect and just be thankful that you've been able to find another human who makes you feel like that. 

I don't ask him any of that though because I doubt he'd know. 

Instead I just give him my polite smile and thank him before closing the door of his car and starting up the path home.  To be honest I don't really want to talk to anyone about any of it anyway.  I'm scared to say any of it out loud incase someone does have the answers and none of them are what I want to hear.    I need to keep it inside.   Jake belongs inside me. I'd never wanted to talk about him with anyone from the start, maybe because he'd always felt like some sort of lost treasure I'd found that I to didn't want to tell anyone about incase someone asked for it back.

Feeling like I weigh a ton, I feed Fred and crawl into my freezing empty bed.  It matches how I feel inside and it magnifies everything x100.  In the dark I message my brother to tell him I'm home safe and that it was lovely meeting Isabelle.  After he responds with a dozen smileys I shed some more tears into my pillow before finally passing out. 

***

Sunday I spend mainly in a trance, interspersed with fake normalcy because people just don't stop calling me. Firstly, Nick calls to find out what I really thought of Isabelle and I tell him I loved her and that they're the perfect couple so he better get ready for mum to have a fit. Then Leigh calls to tell me about her man problems, or new lack there of, because her boss has apparently finally left his wife and they were now looking for somewhere to live together because her studio in Camden isn't big enough for them both.  I resist the urge to say that he probably would need quite a bit of space to fit in his skip full of right-wing ignorance but I don't because its mean, and because its just my mood talking.

Finally Tash calls from California. I'd put her off Skype because I look awful and I wouldn't have been able to do any fakery over video.  Just hearing her voice lifts some of the weight of the oppressive despair hanging over me.    She's chirpier than ever and I swear I can hear an American twang creeping into her voice as she says certain words and babbles at me for close to an hour.  After telling me about her house hunt in Malibu we have a quick chat about France before she asks what my exciting news is.  News which was supposed to be Jake.  I brush her off saying it's about the possible partnership spot at work which she buys completely.  When she asks when I'm moving over I ask her if I can come tomorrow and she replies by saying she'll get my room ready.   At that moment more than ever I wish I could go.  Go and just forget about everything I have to make a decision about.  I need you Alex... You have no idea how much I need you... Please don't leave me.  I feel sick again and I wipe at the tears which well up in my eyes.

By some miracle of god mum doesn't call.  She always calls on Sunday night's but buried way down in the well of my head is the memory that her and dad are at a play tonight.  A Sam Shepherd play I think.  At least I think it's tonight.   I should listen to her more when she talks.      By nine pm I'm in bed with the worst headache I've had in a long time. Im not surprised since my brain is so overloaded it's a wonder it's managed to keep working at all.  I'm sure the headache is just my mind finally grinding to a halt, like some great mechanical beast of a machine which has seen better days. He hasn't contacted me or I him. One day apart isn't enough space or time anyway and so it's probably good that he hasn't been in touch.

***

The following week goes by in a blur with me practically sleep walking through each day.  I see my patients in a detached robotic fashion, nodding and smiling and reassuring in alternating patterns and by Wednesday I've managed to perfect a smile so fake that it hurts my face and makes my temples and jaw hurt but manages to convince everyone at work that there's nothing to see here and that they should move along.   By Thursday he still hasn't contacted me, or me him.   But then four days isn't really enough space or time either.

My fake normalcy lasts until Thursday evening when I sit down next to dad at the dining table in my parents kitchen.  He knows immediately that somethings wrong, and though he stares at me through slightly narrowed concerned eyes throughout dinner, he doesn't ask me outright what's wrong. I give him a reassuring smile and he returns it.  He's extra comforting and supportive and steers the conversation from being focused on me which is normally the case when I come over to telling us stories about Bob from down the road's new classic sports car and to talking about Nick & Tash and France.  

When mum does ask about Jake, I tell her simply that it was all moving a bit too fast and that we're trying to slow things down a little, which she believes completely.  Though she follows up my explanation with one of her sad looks and lingers on my face a little too long. When we finally settle on some dates for going to France it feels for the first time feels like a welcome and necessary thing that cant come quick enough.  In Five weeks I'd be relaxing under the shade on the south of France. 

Where would Jake and I be in five weeks?  Will there be a Jake and I in five weeks.  For once he seems to have left the decision entirely up to me and I resent him for it.  If he bulldozed his way into my house now if would make things a whole lot easier that's for sure. 

One positive that does emerge through the week away from him is that I spend most nights upstairs at the Steinway.  I play more than I've played in months; depressing, melancholic pieces that I know for certain Rob wont want anywhere near her wedding.  It occurs to me that if Jake and I are truly over, then maybe I won't be able to play anything happy ever again.  Then I almost smack myself for being so bloody pathetic.  If we can't sort this out then I'll meet someone else.  My life will continue to go on without him.  Without him.   I feel sick.

I've just about managed to function the week without him how the hell am I supposed to manage the rest of my life without him.  Maybe it's because it's not over.  I'm just lingering here, waiting for my heart to make up its mind.   If it was over then I could start to move on.   It doesn't feel over.  It feels like a large gaping open wound and again I need to decide whether to open the door and knit it back together or whether to leave it to bleed out.   

The two things seem to be this:

Why not tell me about Caleb? The one good thing in his life?  How can he tell me about the bad things in his life if not this?   Can I ever trust him to be honest with me about anything after that?  He looked so deeply hurt as I left though.  As though he would have done anything to be able to go back and change things.  My chest twists and tightens as I close my eyes and imagine the look on his face as he begged me not to leave him.  The guilt at leaving him rears it's head again.  

Could I live without him?  I mean I did it for a long time. Unperturbed by the mysteries of Jake Lawrence. A name I'd probably never have even uttered.  Now it, and he, lived under my skin and in my body, flowing through my veins.

His distance and lack of any attempt to contact me do make me wonder if there is an expiration date on my deliberation. God I miss him.  I miss the smell of him, and the warmth of his skin and the sound of his voice.  The lead weight I've been carrying about all week feels like its growing in my stomach, and I'm sure I can feel it squeezing against my skin from the inside out.  It's in my chest, and my throat and my whole body seems heavier from it, harder to carry around.  I swear if I went swimming I would sink to the bottom.  

By Friday night and six days of thinking and over thinking I've narrowed it down to two potential outcomes.  I either forgive him and trust him and be with him, or I forget about him completely and move on.  Those are the only two options. 

I should congratulate myself on the simplicity.   It's inspired.

***

Throughout the week I had made sure that all of my contact with Rob was brief, non conversational and by text or email.  If we spoke or met up she'd know immediately something was wrong and she'd make me talk about it.   And since she told me to be careful, and since I wasn't careful I'd feel even more stupid and foolish than I do already.  

By Saturday though, I can avoid it no longer.  It's wedding dress fitting day.  Rob's dress arrived on Wednesday and is waiting in La Fayette de Monde, a stylish wedding dress boutique on Saville Row, for her to fall in love with all over again. 

I get there just before 10am, and open the door of the boutique and into a world of white, lace and tulle.  I'm really glad I'm wearing my sunglasses and decide to keep them on for as long as possible.  Mainly because of the shade of place, but also because I wasn't fully able to cover the dark circles under my eyes this morning despite my overpriced and clearly falsely advertised concealer. I've learned this week that beauty sleep really wasn't a myth.  I'd counted about twenty-two shitty hours of unconsciousness was all I'd managed to clock up and it was evident on my face. 

I spot Robyn immediately, she's chatting animatedly to the sales assistant, happiness and exuberant positivity radiating from her whole body. Perhaps I can absorb some if I stand really close. 

As I approach her I try and slide myself back into the body of someone who feels happy and excited. I mean I can remember what it feels like to be happy, it was a thing I felt once so I'm sure I can fake it if necessary.   I'm angry at Jake again then, for making me even have to fake it.   My best friend is marrying the love of her life in eight weeks time and I should be happy and excited for her, I am happy and excited for her.  My own misery can take a back seat for the day.  He can take a back seat for the day.

I hope the dress excitement will impair her usual observant rob-like perception.  When she turns round I fix on my practiced smile, which to be fair is easier than it has been all week because it's Rob and its her wedding dress and I've waited my whole life to see my best friend try on her wedding dress. She rushes towards me, wrapping her arms around me in her tight, fragrant familiar hug. 

"Hey sorry I'm a bit late." I say as I squeeze her tightly.  Having her hug me is extremely warm and comforting and so I hold her longer than is probably necessary.

"You're not babe I'm just nervously early." she pulls back smiling, nervously.

"Your mum not here?" I ask as I look around.

"Nah I told her I just wanted you to see it today," she shrugs, something cold coming over her eyes for a moment before they brighten again.  "OK, so you go have a seat and I'll go put IT on."

As I walk over towards a white silk chaise long, the sales assistant offers me coffee or champagne, and with a little reluctance and because I'm driving I pip for the former.  Coffee has become my life force this week anyway – it wont let me down now.

As she fetches my coffee I look around the huge modern space which is all hardwood floors, red brick and gorgeous dresses hanging on rails and contemporary headless mannequins.  Some of the dresses are incredibly beautiful and if I was feeling even remotely human, I'd maybe even try a couple on for fun.   I'd always imagined myself in something simple yet elegant, maybe even vintage.  Strange, I never tried on one single wedding dress the entire time I was engaged to Ben, not one.   Or maybe it's not strange, because maybe deep down I always knew I was never going to need one.

From literally nowhere an image of Jake waiting at an altar for me flickers through my mind.  He looks beautiful and strong and his body is pulled up in that arrogant stance he has.  Across his eyes comes a flicker of nerves before his mouth tilts up at the side to smile his cocky canine flashing smile.  I rub a hand over my eyes in an attempt to banish it entirely. Clearly the product of an unstable mind.  What's wrong with me?
So my body isn't the only desperate needy part of me when it comes to him. 

I hear rustling to my left and I turn my head and my mouth drops open. Oh my god.   I gasp aloud as Rob comes toward me in a vision of strapless, slim-fitting ivory silk. As she nears I see the faintest hint of delicate lace around the hem and bodice.   The dress is a perfect fit for her slim, tall and elegant figure.  Her shoulder length blond hair is down now, in semi waves about her face and she has one side of it pinned up loosely with a diamond comb.   For the first time in days I want to cry with something other than abject despair.   She looks utterly breathtaking.

"Oh my god Rob," I whisper as I rise slowly from the couch.

"What do you think?" she sounds tentative and uncertain and I try and scramble for the words she wants to hear.   Except I'm speechless and I can't.  She's picked a wedding dress that could only have been made for one person.   Her. 

"It's... you.  Completely you Rob. It's so beautiful.  You look so beautiful." I bend down to place my cup on the table by the chaise before going toward her.   At her feet I kneel down, running my hand over the lace of the hem and under it stopping to wipe a tear away from my cheek. "It's totally perfect Rob.  Like it was made for you." I shake my head in disbelief as I stand back up.   She beams at me.

"Oh god I'm so glad you like it Al.  I was so worried you know. But I love it..." she turns around to appraise herself in the floor length mirror and I see that down the back and to the end of the short train is a stream of delicate lace buttons.  It's classic, contemporary and stylish at the same time.  Dan is going to have a fit when he sees her in this.    "Yes I love it!" she exclaims as she swishes around.  "Yes I do.  I'm so glad I love it!   I remember why I loved it!" she jumps up and down a few times making me smile.   The smidgen of excitement and happiness inside me grows and isn't even half fake anymore. It's the only warm thing I've felt in days.  Seven to be exact.

"It really is stunning Babe. I honestly couldn't have imagined you in anything more perfect.  And I don't even think it needs altered you know," I say as I run my hand along the top and kneel down again to pull down the hem which sits a few inches beyond ground level. In heels it will be a perfect length.

"I know!  It is a perfect fit. I'm so pleased, and relieved!" she squeals with delight as the assistant kneels down beside me and confirms that she doesn't think it needs altered either.    We discuss the shoes at length until she settles on an ivory peep toe with lace design and silver jewelled design, and we leave a short while later with the dress covered in a metallic armour-like hanging bag and the shoes packed and wrapped neatly in silk tissue paper inside a gold and yellow box.   She asks if I'll keep them safe at my house to stop Dan's prying eyes and after laying them delicately in the boot of my mini – the dress flat on the back seat - we walk over to Soho and into a Japanese restaurant come bar for lunch.

"So you're bringing Jake to the wedding obviously?" she says halfway through lunch. I'd been counting myself lucky she hadn't mentioned him until that point and thought I might just be able to get away with not mentioning him the entire afternoon.  No such luck. Time's up. She munches away  "We booked an executive room for you anyway because you're my bridesmaid and pianist and because you deserve it.  So if he's coming you can both have a magical night at Illeam Castle on us.   It's the next best room to the honeymoon suite - I made sure of that. It has a hot tub I think," she adds with a wink.   I can't hold her eyes and so look down into my half eaten bowl of udon concoction instead. "What?  You have asked him?   He'll definitely come!  What? What is it Alex?  Oh no..." she says and it's then I realise that the tears are rolling pathetically down my face.  

I wipe at them angrily with the back of my hand.  Christ I thought I was done crying.  I want to be done crying.  Isn't there supposed to be a next phase I should be at by now?  She moves and comes to sit next to me on my side of the booth and pulls me round to face her. 

"What happened?  What did that bugger do?"

I shake my head as I try and think of where to start. 

"Oh, I knew he'd be bloody trouble.  All that brooding bad boy sex appeal." She slides her hand round me and rubs my back as she pulls me into her.  At that point the tears seem to just dry up so maybe that was the last of them.

"It's complicated," I sniff.  "He's complicated."

"Really?  They're normally so easy to figure out too." She says dryly. 

"He has a son Rob." I blurt. I watch as her eyes go wide. "A little boy which he didn't tell me about.  Can you believe that?"

She looks speechless for a moment.  "Why? I mean why wouldn't he tell you?" she asks.

"Apparently he thought it would complicate things.  He wanted to keep me from his shit." I shake my head.

Her mouth is open and her eyes still wide. "Wow. So how did you find out?"

"Because I went over to his place and some woman answered the door.  I thought he'd slept with her, but no, he'd actually had a child with her.  She was just the mother of his secret child."  I laugh, a little hysterically.   When I look up Rob looks confused now and so I tell her about Vicky and about how they don't have a thing and about how she means nothing to him, and about how no woman meant anything to him before me.

She goes from looking shocked to looking sad and says nothing for a short while.  Finally she shakes her head.  "God Alex, that really is...complicated."

I nod.  "Oh and that's not even worst part. The worst of it is that I'm in love with him.  Totally in love with him. I mean that's crazy isn't it?  How can I be in love with him when I don't even know him?  I've fallen in love with someone who keeps things like this from me? I'm an idiot."  I state.   

When I look up at her I expect to find her nodding in agreement with me, nodding in agreement that I am indeed a crazy idiot to have fallen in love with him.  Her face is deadly serious though.

She takes a deep breath before speaking. "Love is strange like that babe.  You're not an idiot, and you're not crazy.  You're an adult.  A smart intelligent woman and you know your own heart and your own mind.  You knew Ben wasn't right for you, you bloody knew it.  You knew it way before he started screwing around on you."

"This isn't about Ben Rob," I tell her in a firm tone. She raises an eyebrow skeptically and I go one.  "It's not.  Its about Jake.  About who he is about him keeping things from me.  He kept this and he's keeping more I think I just...." Im scared to think about what it might be incase it's not manageable.   "How can I be in love with him? I can't be?"  I shake my head again.   She doesn't look convinced. Doesn't she get the part where I'm in love with a virtual stranger?

"Oh how much do we really know about anybody Alex?"

"You know everything about Dan." I point out.

"Well I've known him ten years.  So yes I know him, and what I don't know I ask him, and as for the rest...  Well maybe we're all allowed to keep some stuff just for ourselves you know.  She thinks his son is just 'some stuff'?  I don't think Dan's secret habit of betting on the Grand National when he knows Rob abhors horseracing is anywhere near the sort of secret Jake kept from me.  I frown at her but she goes on.    "Also, you knew Ben for years and look what happened there – you never saw what he did coming, I mean I never liked him a whole load as we know but no one thought he was going to go and do what he did to you.  Goes to show nobody ever really knows anyone like they think they do Al."

I'm not sure how to respond.  What happened to my unreserved opinionated best friend Robyn? Is this her unreserved opinion?  She thinks this is manageable? I mean of course I hoped it was but I never really trusted that because my mind and body are incapable of thinking rationally when it comes to him.

She reaches across and lifts her water and takes a sip.  "Also," she continues, clearly on a roll.  "Perhaps he wanted to keep you from all of his shit for a reason. Perhaps the situation with the mother is complicated and messy and he didn't want to terrify you with it." She suggests. It sounds so reasonable.

"How is him not telling me about having a son, keeping me from his shit Rob?  That's not what I'd consider his shit.  He doesn't need to tell me about every single aspect of his complicated messy life but these details?  Things as massive as this?  To me it says I'm not important to him and he doesn't trust me. And he should." My mind wanders back to the night I found him bleeding at the surgery.   "I mean didn't it occur to him how much it would hurt me to find out about it later? If I found out about it like this?"

She nods. "I agree babe.   He's only complicated things further by not telling you sooner and having you find out like this. For that he's the bloody idiot," she nods.   "But maybe, he thought you'd have run at the thought of getting involved with someone with a kid.  Some people would have. I know you wouldn't have but he didn't."  She shrugs.   The shrug adds to the simplicity of what she's just said.  How simple and manageable she's just made it sound.  She looks at my face and takes a deep breath and takes hold of my hand, squeezing tight.

"I just wanted him to be honest with me Rob.  It's a trust thing.  I don't know if I can trust him to be honest with me about anything now?  What other things will he keep from me because he thinks I cant handle them?"  I ask. 

"Trust comes over time Alex, from both sides I should add.  Show him he can trust you. He fucked up and he'll know it." She nods gravely.   I  look at her sadly but I actually don't feel sad.  I don't feel like as crazy or as idiotic as I have all week and there's a small, albeit quiet, thrum of something like hope buzzing in the pit of my belly now.

"But listen," she goes on.  "seeing you with him the other night confirmed to me..." she stops, changes direction, searches for words before nodding when she finds them.  "Just, I never saw you look like that with Ben.  Ever.  With Jake on Friday you looked so... so serene.  The two of you may as well have been alone in that room for all the difference anyone else made.   The little touches between you two when you thought no one was looking? Well I was looking." She widens her eyes knowingly.   "His eyes followed you everywhere Alex, he watched you while you spoke, hypnotised, like he couldn't look away from you for a second in case he lost you or something.  And you just sort of... came alive.   It really was something." She smiles, her voice wistful and soft.   I'm stunned to silence.  As well as being mortified that she may have saw me stroke his erection under the table during dessert. "I mean Dan and I have been together years and you guys looked like the about to be married couple. So he has some secrets – don't they all?  Give him time to open up to you.  You don't know much about his past relationships or his upbringing but there will most likely be an explanation there.  Mark hated him of course, but then who doesn't Sherlock hate?? He has an inherent distrust of every guy of a certain age that isn't Dan."  She rolls her eyes.  Then her face is serious again. "But I think you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't fight for this babe."  She nods again before picking up an edame bean and popping it delicately into her mouth.

I stare at her, speechless.  Has she seriously just solved Jake Lawrence over a Japanese noodle salad when I've tried for weeks to do it? Everything she's said makes everything seem simple and manageable.   Give him time to open up to me.  I do know some of his upbringing and past relationships.  This is new for him, I know that too.   But what Rob said - he couldn't look away from me?  He was hypnotised by me?  I came alive under his eyes? All of this was obvious to my best friend who knows me inside out?

Suddenly and unexpectedly a feeling of weightlessness comes over me, washing away the heavy oppressive anxiety that's filled my body all week. It's replaced a moment later by something else, something worse.  Fear. I told him it didn't matter to me that he had a son and yet I'd walked out on him without so much as a backward glance. After he begged me to stay with him.   After he begged me not to leave him.   No.  He knew why I had to do that. Didn't he? Ive been taking time and space like I said I needed.  I never said it was over. 

"What if I've ruined it?" I whisper.  "You didn't see him that night Rob.  He begged me not to go and to tell him it wasn't over," I shake my head, the fear gripping hold of me tightly.   "I just walked out of there.  I left him.  I never looked back once."  I hadn't been able to.  The pain and torment in his eyes had almost killed me.   Or more accurately, dragged me back along the corridor to him to pull him into my arms.   She moves closer and puts her hand on my arm again and squeezes.

"You haven't ruined anything.  He was the one who almost ruined it, and if he knows what's good for him he'll have been sitting wherever it is sexy nightclub owners sit, with everything crossed waiting for you to give him another chance. He's crazy about you babe.  It was obvious to everyone.  You haven't ruined it." She repeats firmly. The conviction in her eyes is life affirming.

I nod once as I twist my hands together.  "I hope you're right.  I haven't spoken to him all week Rob, I don't know where his head is. It could be anywhere."  Between Gemma or Dawn from the lift's legs for example.  Okay that's not helping.  

"He'll think he's lost you." She says.  "Call him Alex, put him out of his misery.  Put yourself out of your misery.  No regrets.  Remember?  It's what we've always said."  She smiles. We have always said that.  We almost got matching tattoos on our first girls holiday to Marbella that said 'no regrets' but then we realised that we'd probably regret them.

"Thought you said he could really hurt me?" I eye her sideways.

Rob raises her eyebrows.  "Well you look pretty hurt to me right now Alex.  And if you don't go for this, for him, then I know you- you'll think about it and overanalyze it and regret it for the rest of your life." Her voice is as serious as I've ever heard it. 

She's right. Because she knows me inside out. I would regret it for the rest of my life.  I know I can't live without him.  If I don't at least try and make things work between us, work through the secrets then I'll never know.   He hurt me yes but I know he's been hurt too. His experiences are what have moulded him into this hard-shelled, mistrusting person.  I need to show him that he can trust me.  It should be possible because like he said - he's very different with me. 

Robyn pays for lunch as a 'head bridesmaid with man troubles treat' and walks me back to my car.  When I'm inside she taps the window and I press the button to open it.

"Call me later ok?  If you need me call me?  Everything's going to be fine.   I was witness to you two together," she fans her face.  "HOT.  Now go get your bloody man!" she says dramatically and I can't help but giggle.   She hugs me again through the window and I promise to guard her dress with my life before pulling out of my tight parking space and driving off into the ridiculously busy London traffic. She waves at me from the pavement until I turn the corner.

For the entire drive home, I go over everything in my head that I want and need to say to him.  

Maybe I'll start by telling him that I'm in love with him.  That should hopefully make the rest of it easier.

**A Dark Fall is now Available on Ebook and Paperback on Amazon and Kindle Unlimited***