Find Elías.

Find Elías.

Find Elías, I said to myself.

The closer we came to the Grand Hall, the faster I breathed, but then Askar turned me away from the sounds of the party and toward the other spout off the foyer.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He tilted his head a little, offering me his wounded hand. "I'm bleeding, and your dress is...."

I followed his eyes to see the splattered mess, a line of careless red spit across the skirt.

"Oh, no!" I cried. "Oh, no! No one can see this!"

"Is any of it yours?" he asked. "The blood?"

I swallowed. "...No."

"Good." He gave a stout nod. "That's all that matters. I am not familiar with the layout here. Where do we go to find your room?" he asked.

"My room?"

"I promise you," his voice lowered. "I only wish to help you change and to clean and wrap my hand."

"Oh. That makes sense." I turned, leading him up the steps to the chamber hall. The blood rushed loudly in my ears. "T-Thank you," I thought to say as we ventured further into the castle.

"You're thanking me?" he asked. "For what?"

"For... I don't know, Your Grace. I just... I'm sorry, I...."

"Don't apologize," he said. "I should apologize. I should have escorted you back to the dance. No. We should not have been where we were."

"I was at fault. I was the one who..." I opened my room for him. "I lured you up there."

"It was not a lure," he said. "I went willingly. You asked."

Inside, his eyes scanned my effects, spending some time hovering on the curtains and the matching vanity seat as he came in. I followed after, closing the door.

"Your room is very pretty," he remarked.

"You sound surprised, Your Grace," I said. "Did you–"

"Askar," he reminded me. He met my eyes. "I'm not mad at you; nothing's changed between us."

I paused. "D-Did you have something else in mind for how my room should look?" I went into the connected bath, fetching a small basin of water and a rag.

"I imagined it less pink and more of a green, to be honest," he said.

"Ah. Then like your room?" I asked.

"Yes, actually." He went to the desk and started to look inside the drawers.

"There are extra linens in the wardrobe," I told him. I went and sat on the end of the bed, holding the bowl.

Askar opened the closet; he found the cloth I had mentioned and carried them over to sit next to me.

"Should we find Elías?" I asked.

"In time," he said.

He tore a thin strip from one of the linens with his teeth, and set it to the side.

"I should be doing that," I said.

"It's alright; we make a good team."

"Ser Willoughby, he... He told us to find Elías."

"He also told us to take our time, which was a request of sorts."

"A request?" I asked.

"He wants his time with him before they stop him," he said.

"W-What?"

"Your knight wants to hurt him," Askar said. "And I can't fault him for that."

"But he–"

"We'll find the Lord Commander soon," he said.

After a pause, I took the rag and dipped it into the water. I dabbed it onto his cut, happy to find it was not as deep as the blood had suggested.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you," I whispered.

"This?" He tsked. "This is nothing. I'm only happy you had a means of defending yourself. Had you not... It makes me sick to think about."

"He's your cousin," I said. "Aren't you upset with me?"

"What? No," Ask sang. "No, that is not at all a concern. Look at me." His head craned, finding me more devotedly. "I meant to say that if Krist had hurt you, I would feel sickened by the fact." He paused. "I care not that he is my kin; if anything, it makes the offense worse on his part, but you are my heart. I trust you. I love you."

"I didn't want him to touch me," I said.

"I believe you," he replied. "And that is why we're taking our time." After a few seconds, Askar said, "Tell me about the leg piece you've acquired. It's very intricate. Where did you find it?"

"My father had it made for me," I confessed. "When I was first back. He said I could wear it under gowns."

Once he was bandaged up, he trilled his lips. "I regret not addressing things back in Gosil. Had I done so, perhaps we would be there, and we might have avoided tonight's trouble. Let us always vow to be honest and clear?" he asked.

"Askar ...Kristjan raped me," I said.

"What?" he asked.

"Not... Not tonight, but he tried. I meant... Before. When I lost my virginity. I wasn't honest with you about it. I was embarrassed."

"I see," he said. "I'm very sorry that happened to you."

"You believe me?" I asked.

"Of course, I believe you," he said. "And I am now doubling the time it takes us to find Ser Elías. If we even find him. I haven't decided yet."

He went back to the wardrobe and started to slide the hanging dresses from right to left.

"You need a new dress," he said. "You have a number of gorgeous things. I'm not sure I can pick. Do you have something else that's white? Most people won't notice if it's the same color, love."

"What do you think he's doing to Lord Beck?" I asked.

"I think," Askar exhaled. He came across an ivory, similar-looking dress to the one I wore. The silhouette was less pronounced, but it was close enough to pass. "I think Ser Willoughby knows what he's doing. You don't really lose that sort of skillset, do you?"

"What skillset?" I asked.

"That Rusted Blade business," he said. "We don't have a faction like that in Gosil, but Fridrick has told me of knights your nation employs to handle certain requests."

I watched him pull the dress down and carry it over to me. "Where is your maid usually? Do you have a bell to summon her?" he asked.

"Ask..."

"I want you to know," he said, setting the dress beside us. He crouched in front of me to take my hands. I played with the knot of his wrap. "What happened to you is not your fault. I am not appalled by you in any way. And I am so very sorry to have brought that monster into your home again."

"What?" I shifted. "You didn't do anything wrong?"

"I should have heard what you were telling me," he said. "From the beginning of our relationship, you've been divulging things about you and this person from your past, and I thought that you were describing a consensual encounter. It never occurred to me that you had been taken advantage of, and for my role in exacerbating it, by, by speaking of it, by asking about it, I am so very sorry."

"You didn't exacerbate it," I said. "No! Not at all. I chose my words intentionally. I chose to withhold the truth from you because I... I don't know. Maybe I didn't think it was that important. Or I... I didn't want you, or... anyone, to know of my shame."

"His actions do not define you," he said. "And I would not have thought badly of you for it. I would've tried to help you seek the justice you deserve—the balance. And had I known of Ser Willoughby sooner, I would have employed the man myself. That is what this blade is," he said, touching my dagger. "It is my protection over you."

I traced his bandage. The knife had bit the same hand we had cut in the river. I touched where the other mark was, but it had already healed and gone away, and I realized so had mine.

"You do enough to balance my sins," I breathed.

"It is not your sin that happened today. Or before. Do not burden yourself with that."

"But I..." I sighed. "Was it really... rape? I don't even know."

"Yes," he said. "If at any point you said no, or stop, or you changed your mind, or tried to leave, it was rape."

"But Kristjan and I were in Season together. He courted me. He danced with me at every ball. We had fun. We walked the promenade; he told me he was excited to get married. He– I wanted to marry him. I wanted to make love to him that night. I was scared when it came down to it, and I did say no, but I can understand why he–"

His thumb rubbed the back of mine. "I mean this with respect to you because I do not want to misspeak here. I respect you as a person. Alright?"

"Okay...?"

"But... My cousin knew what he was doing. I have no doubt. He has always been a bit manipulative and demanding."

"I thought you were close with your cousins?" I asked.

"To his sisters, yes. But he and I are only friends by mutual acquaintance. By family's excuse. As I said before, I needed someone to navigate the cultural differences here to impress your family. That was my hope. To impress you. But I would have never told him about you had I thought he knew who you were. He made no indication that he did, and I am so very sorry for not... I don't know. For not knowing."

"I didn't tell you," I said.

"We're going to fix our communicaiton, yeah?" he asked. He stood and lifted me by the hand. "Alright. Amy, right? Where can I find her?" he asked.

"Why did you want her?" I wondered. "There's a bell, I guess, but... I don't really want her to... to see me right now. I don't have the energy to explain anything, and I'm not sure what she can do for me. Willoughby is more of my confidant, and he's busy doing whatever it is he's doing."

He paused. "I wanted to call her to dress you, love," he said.

"Oh..." I tried to reach the back of the dress. "Can you not help me?" I turned to face the bed.

Askar stepped slowly, his hand barely gracing the laces. "Are you okay with that?" he asked. "I didn't want to touch you so intimately if you did not wish to be touched."

I faced him again. I had to bend to meet his eyes. "I trust you," I said. "If there's anyone I trust, it's you... and Ser Willoughby. I feel obligated to add him, considering."

He smiled, nodded, and reached around the back. I spun, and he started to unfasten the gown, but tentatively so.

I tried to fill the silence with anything. "What is a Rusted Blade?" I asked.

"You don't know?" He hemmed. "Perhaps you should ask your knight? I may have exposed him for something accidentally."

"Is it bad?" I asked.

"No," he whispered. "And yes."

"Is he... going to hurt Lord Beck?"

"Yes," he said.

"And you're okay with that?" I asked.

"...Yes," he said. "Had he not taken him himself, I would've."

The dress slacked off my shoulders, and the Duke held the waist of it as I stepped out. He moved it to the other side and offered me the other.

"Will he kill him?" The question was horrible to ask. "I don't want him to kill him."

"I don't know," Askar said. "I would kill him."

"You would?" I wondered. "But..."

"This will be easier than the corset, at least," he murmured. "You'll be able to breathe."

"Should I be concerned you're so educated in dressing a woman?" I asked.

He grinned. "You've never complained before, but if you should like, I can expose where I learned such things."

"I assume from the many women you've taken to your bed," I muttered.

"No," he whispered. "In fact, you're the only woman who's seen my bed. Have I known them? Yes, but not at the same capacity of... closeness as you, my rose. I've only ever taken you home."

"Still a means of knowing about gowns," I said.

"My mother designs clothing," he told me.

"The Dowager? Are you sure?"

"Yes," he laughed.

"...She designs clothing?" I asked.

"Yes. A strange hobby for a Dowager, I'll confess, but she is often constructing new ideas and ways of fastening things. Designing better hooks and such for gowns. Mostly on her dress forms, but once you have spent the summer standing in as her model while she replicates a man's trousers, you sort of learn to escape her concepts as quickly as possible... Before your younger cousins come to terrorize you for being a Pretty Pretty Duchess."

I couldn't stop the snicker that'd breached. "Oh, my God."

"Would you still have me?" he asked. "Now that you know my darkest secret? Heh."

"Yes," I said back. "Somehow, I shall find it in my heart to love you."

"Good."

Askar buttoned my dress and tied the ribbon in its place. His palm rested against my hip, and I looked back at him again.

"My mother designed the pants for a number of reasons, but one of them was because she believed they made a woman more secure. If you ever need someone to confide in, or... Whatever. I think you'll find you have some things in common. And, if you wish to commission her, I can start a running tab for us when we get home," he said. He took a long sigh.

"I... I like that you say things like 'when we get home,'" I said.

"Gosil has always been your home," he said. "You just didn't know it."

"I– Askar," I started. I faced him. "I'm sorry I am not as forthcoming with my words. But..."

"I am not offended, love," he said. "Let's return to the dance."

"And find Ser Elías," I added.

"Yes," he said, but he hooked my neck to bring his forehead to mine another time, and he shut his eyes. "But for a moment longer, I would ask to stand here with you."