quote: "forget what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you," — unknown

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I WAKE UP WITH a usual with a jolt and I only have questions as my alarm beeps annoyingly. How did I get back? I don't know. When did I get back? I don't know. Then who brought me back? I don't know. I had things to do. For the first time in two years, I wanted to visit my Dad. I wanted to look around Whipstaff, I needed clues. How come Casper knows so much about me when I feel like I know so little about him and kat. (I did actually know a lot, just Casper was open about his life, but found it difficult to cope, he didn't really enjoy talking about it. But he often wanted to tell me.)

Okay, Dad first. Then I could try to find Casper and his parent's graves. It could give me some glues or the attic maybe? I don't think I have that much time. Time was very short these days. After I was changed and ready for the day I waltz down the stairs. Dancing randomly to a rhythm.

I plant a fake smile on my face, I try to hide my eyes, fearing that I'll cry. I open the kitchen door, it swings open. My eyes dart open to reveal someone I've never seen before. Her hair was a dark brown, rather similar to her eyes. Her hair was tied in a sleek bun. She wore a floral top imprint and blue jeans along with shades on the top of her head. I didn't know what shoes she was wearing just because the table was blocking my view. She was beautiful, well for her age. I look over to Casper, then to her, then my Mum.

Casper was talking away, about something from the Halloween party Kat once held at Whipstaff. Then he stops and notices the silence in the room, notice and looks at me. "Hi, I'm May Amira Clarence. You must be Kathleen Wilmot." I say with a rather polite voice and why in the world did I say my middle name too? "Just call me Kat." She says smiling kindly, shifting in a manner and I noticed that she seemed uncomfortable.

My Mother's eyes gave a gentle look, almost sympathetic."Uhh, I gotta go—" I grab a Banana from the table and run as fast as my legs could carry me towards the main entrance where I could get away and escape for as long as possible. I hop on my faded red bike and ride it into town towards the local town cemetery.

I had become rather used to the uneven dirt. It was odd, just I rather felt that Whipstaff was my home now. And this feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. I steer my bike towards the fence and the thorny branches that held yellow roses. I pick one and carefully trying to not tip my bike over. I pull out my Dad's old pocket knife from my jeans and cut the stem.

The rose was beautiful. I rest it on the handlebar and turn my bike around.

The sun was high in the sky, it was rather a warm day and yet I feel so cold.

My feet skidded on the gravel and as I quickly pull my brakes.

Trees arch the entrance as if it was a doorway. Roses of all sorts of colours line the wood picket fence as if it was a barrier.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying not to cry. I look to my right to see a wooden sign that has engraved words of, 'Friendship Cemetery.' I somehow manage to take a step, then another as I follow the familiar path that I walked two years ago in completely different attire.

I pull out my father's sunglasses from my pocket and smile at them. I place them on my face, to try to stop anyone from seeing that I was crying. No one was here though. The rose dangles in my hand, as I walk towards my fathers final resting place. I drop onto my knees and place the rose among his tombstone.

"Jamie Thomas Clarence. A loving, kind husband, son and father, shall you rest forever in peace. 11th of January 1983 - 2nd of May 2015."

What catches my eye was that another rose was also placed on the tombstone. It didn't look very old, rather new. It looks around a day old or someone had placed it before me today. My tears fall over the stone my eyes stinging with tears.

"I'm sorry Dad. I'm sorry. I love you. I'm scared I'm starting to forget. Forget, the way your tap your fingers on the dashboard to the random rhythm, your corny jokes, your scrambled eggs recipe or the way you'd tuck a loose strand of my hair behind my ear, with such love in your eyes. Just I won't ever forget your eyes or your gentle smile and you. You made me who I am today. You shaped me. I'm sorry I haven't visited you for the past two years. I just miss you. I love you."

I sit with my hands in my knees, my eyes sad, along with my tears down my cheeks. I get up onto my knees and pull myself together. I needed to find Casper and his parents grave. I search and search until I end up at the last grave. Why aren't they here? Where would they be?

I decided to face my fate. I embrace the wind through my hair as peddle down the path. My mind thinks back to when Casper sat on the handlebars and his smile and laughter were priceless, don't get me started on his eyes.I look to the familiar path towards the lighthouse.

"I remember my Father always went to the lighthouse it helped him think. My mother loved it here, we would have picnics here too." Casper's words echo through my head. "The lighthouse!" I mutter, my voice was low and raspy from crying.

I pick another three yellow roses just in case. Birds fly over my head. The sound of waves crash against the cliff and rocks. A mist clings to my hair in a way that they look like sparkles.

I follow an overgrown path that looked like it hadn't been walked on for a century. I find it rather difficult to drag my bike along the path to I dump it on the path. I probably wasn't too far off. I held the small bunch to my chest. I continue down the path until I can make out the three ivy-covered tombs stones, just barely visible because of the overgrown grass and weeds.

I pull out my pocket knife to cut the vines away from their names. First Casper's Father, then Mother, then I feel I might cry even more. "Poor Casper," I whisper, just aloud for me to hear and a few interested birds in the distance. "A loving son, grandchild, nephew and friend. Casper Jonas McFadden, a bright and cheery young man, for him death came to fast.  23rd of June 1893, 2nd of December 1906. Rest in peace, forevermore. "

I say these words aloud, my eyes watering. I was one of the whole town's people that knew how he died and his story. Although it had been over a hundred years, the death of Casper still affected everyone. I think back to my Grammy Amira, her smile a lot like my dad's and my own. I remember asking about him, she would sit my four-year-old self on her lap and tell me these words."Many say he was a rather friendly boy, always happy to make new friends. Some say, he was a bright boy, gifted of intelligence of his father. He was very kind, also handsome. But what many people noticed he was very noble. He loved having fun. He loved his Mother and Father dearly, along with his uncles who always made him laugh. Even the days he was sick. Just he always told them not to make him laugh it hurt too much. In a matter of fact, I was one of very few that knew him best and I know May, he'd like you very much."

I smile, at her words knowing that I had met her childhood friend. I place the roses on their graves and walk down the path towards wherever I dumped my bike. Once I find it I realise I have to go home. Ugh. I race home as fast as I could as I feel the memories coming back. The familiar oak trees had the familiar colour of autumn. I always had liked the bright colourful leaves and how the leaves would change colour.

I was five years old, on this day the day when my Father had spent teaching me how to ride a bike. All the kids made fun of me because they could ride a bike. I couldn't, not until I came home crying, only because they made fun of me.

I hated crying in front of my mum so I managed to hold it in until I could see my dad. My dad stood there younger than he was before he died. He stood next to me, holding my shoulder's firmly. "Now, Honey, remember that you have brakes so you can stop." His kind green eyes, stare into my own. He sends me his million-dollar smile and a wink. I turn and face the hill, the empty road. Before I knew it I was flying the wind in my hair, gaining speed.

I was free, free of the pain, the emptiness, the feeling of being lost that would come to me that night my father died. His laugh danced, echoing in my ears, "You've done it May!!!!!" He yells as I skidded myself to a stop, a little to fast and I lunge forward sending myself into the air, over the handlebars and into the hard pavement.

I roll and start to laugh at my Father's face as he came to my aid, examining me for wounds."Let's do it again Daddy!" I yell, racing out of his arms towards my pink and yellow bike. He chuckles and waves to me in a way for me to continue. My memory continues further, for some reason it never went this far. My Dad suddenly whispers's, "Don't let anyone stop you, you need to remember that. Always fight for those you love, May."

Expect it wasn't autumn, it was winter. The temperature was starting to get colder. It was the day Casper died. I park my bike by the steps and very slowly walk up the steps. My Mother's voice yells at me. "Where exactly have you been? You have been gone for two hours and what do you tell me? Nothing!"

"I had to do stuff?" I sat whispering, sort of embarrassed. "Exactly what stuff!" She exclaims, folding her arms over her chest, her brown eyes glaring. "I had to you know, visit dad," I whispered into her ear. "Oh, Sweetheart." She pulls me into her chest, trying to protect me, in a way of stoping the emptiness. "I love you, mum," I say, hugging her tighter. "I love you too, Troublemaker." She says tickling me like when I was five years old again, "Stop! Stop!" I say in between my laughs. "Okay." She says in defeat.

When I turn around I see Kat and Casper looking at me suspiciously. They're both playing with Casper's train set, that currently going down the staircase, sending a 'honk, honk.' "Are you okay?" Casper asks, floating towards me. "I'm fine Casper, Thanks for asking though. I'll be back later." I say dodging him and walking up the staircase trying to avoid the train set. I don't look behind me, but I hear Kat say, "I don't think she's okay Casper." "I'm one hundred percent fine. Thanks for asking," I yell out, trying to hide the sadness in my voice and replace it with anger. "Children, Casper you have no idea what it is like to have children." She exclaims, mother-like, Casper sending her a confused look. Then I was gone.

I walk towards Casper's mother's reading room. I open the door and sit down on the couch, I pull a random book off the page and start reading. "I still suppose I owe you a dance," Casper says hovering at the door. "You still have a visitor? Remember?" I say annoyed. "She's having refreshments with your Mother. Iced tea, to be exact." He exclaims matter-of-factly. "How lovely," I say sarcastically, continuing to read. "What's wrong?" He asks, his eyes blazing in concern. "Casper I'm fine, don't worry about me okay. At least not today." I say, trying to sound normal. "It was about yesterday. Wasn't it?" He says apologetically as he reached out to me and but then thought better of it. "Casper, Please leave me alone," I say, blinking three times and not letting a tear fall. "May, I'm sorry, but I can't." He says apologetically again, "Not today."

"You hurt me, Casper! You can't waltz in here and expect things to be okay!" I say, slightly raising my voice my accident. "May, I'm sorry." Casper looked hurt, the most hurt I have ever seen him. "Don't be, you don't need me anymore." I bring the book up to your face, hiding my face. "Go have fun, Casper." He peers over the book, lowering it, so I could look him in the eyes. "I'm sorry May. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you." How funny, the exact thing you say you won't do, you do anyway. Then he was gone, floating through the wall and bookcase that lined the wall. "May, where are you! I have something for you!" My mother calls. "I'm in here!" I say as my Mother opens the door.

"There's my little girl." She sits next to me with an old box. "These were your grammy Amira's favourite dress and boots of course." I shifted my position on the couch. "I thought we got rid of all her stuff," I say, remembering years ago how mum, dad and I cleaned out her house. "Casper found it for you." She says, with a small smile, sending me a glimpse of apology. "Oh righty then," I look away painfully. "You're going to smash it, sweetie. You'll have heads turning so fast that, they'll get whiplash." I laugh at her joke it was almost as corny as my dad's. I laugh with my mum. "He'd be proud of you." She states as instantly stop laughing. The pain in my chest thumped burning though me.

I just hug my mum. I can't let her go. "It's in such good condition. Though." I say changing the subject. "Don't feel guilty May, he wants you to go." She places the box in my lap, "And he specifically told me so." "I promised him I'd always be there. He needs me." I say looking her in the eyes. "You deserve to go. Do it for him." She says, speaking the truth. "I don't have a date," I say, my eyes locking with hers. "You don't need one." And my mother was right. I don't need a guy, I managed just fine by myself. "You're right, always," I say smiling. "Well, it's true." She says, laughing. "Are you sure I can wear this, I mean it was her's," I say. "Course you can. She'd want you too. After all, she did roughly wear it when she was your age." "Thanks, mum." And I smile, hugging her once again. And then seconds later in a rush running down the hall to Casper's room, which I sort of co-owned.

— Edited: 24/08/2019