Cw/Tw: Under Age drinking and drug usage, Suicidal themes, topics of child abuse, homophobia, transphobia, & Signs of an ED

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Heels hit the ground as their legs bounced up and down. Anxiously waiting for someone to walk in and calm their nerves. You glanced around, chewing the inside of your cheek as more and more people trickled out of the restaurant.

Where was he? Is he even coming? Does he hate you? Of course, he does. Look at you. You tried to kill his brother you stupid b*tch! Why would he want to come to see a murderer? Everyone is sure that he wouldn't want to spend another waking moment with your hideous presence. You should just-

"Here you go Mija"

You were sucked out of your thoughts by a plate clicking on the table in front of you. You looked up to see Senor Hueso. You glanced down at the dish to see a small piece of cake. You shift towards him almost immediately in protest.

"No no, it's okay Senor- You don't-"

"I wanted to."

He stopped your ramble immediately by placing his hand on your shoulder. You gaze up at him with a raised brow as he spoke.

"It's on the house Chiquita"

With that, the bone man left to go work on something behind the counter. You found it strange, how people can just sell things like pizza to earn a living. People could live an entire lifetime without seeing blood spilled for entertainment and money. Never having to take the life of another person before. See the color drain from their eyes as they take their final breath.

You really couldn't even imagine what that was like.

You sat there, leaning your head against your hand as the other free one poked your complimentary dessert with a fork. Despite your hunger, you didn't want to eat anything. Your stomach wouldn't allow it at the moment.

A waiter came around the corner and smiled at the sight of you. They patted off their black uniform and bounded towards your table.

A smirk splayed across their face as they dragged the chair out in front of you and sat on it. The part of the chair that supported the back was backward and the yokai laid their arm on the top while manspreading.

"Could I sit here? All the other tables are full."

You glanced up at them to meet the smug look of a large-eared fox. A small surprised look spread across your face as you laid eyes on them.

"Akira? What are you doing here?"

The pretentious fox rolled their eyes with a sly smile.

"I work here, isn't it obvious?"

Akira motioned towards their black suit and apron, they also brandish a purple bowtie. Which was their favorite color.

"I just thought you were being your emo self again"

You nonchalantly nudged the brownie cake while your friend dramatically gasped at your notion.

"How dare you! You know that I'm alternative! Not emo!"

"Same thing"

You playfully shot out in your cold tone of voice. Akira's bushy tail flicked in cheerful annoyance as they gazed at you.

"Whatever"

The tall fox stuck out their purple tongue at you, and in return, you flipped them off while still staring at your uneaten dessert.

"You know what?!"

Akira lightly slammed their paws into the table as they pointed an accusatory finger at you.

"What?"

You quickly retorted back with a smirk under your mask.

"I'm going to kill you...."

Akira trailed off, furrowing their brows as they searched in their thoughts.

"And then... Kill you again!"

You couldn't help but snort in amusement. Which dominoes affect your yokai friend to laugh as well. After the little laughing fit was over you looked around to see that the pizzeria was deserted. Only one solo yokai sat at a table. Eating away their dish as they tapped away at the mystic scroll that floated above them.

Leo still isn't here... It's about to close...

You turned back to your untouched cake, your face grimacing. Akira's ears fell back on their head as they noticed your change in demeanor.

"Hey..."

You glanced up at the sympathetic fox who was attempting to reach over to you but stopped themselves.

"Oyé! Zorroita! Ayuda cerca!"

The fox turned their attention to their boss. Yelling back to the bone man in Spanish.

"Okay okay! Déjame en Paz, Viejito!"

"Cállate tu pinche boca!"

"Tu Madre!!"

The fox turned back to you, their ear flicking as they stood up from their chair and put the seat back into its correct position. Pushing the chair under the table.

"Hey after we close up, do you want to come over to my place?"

You blinked at your friend, feeling guilt eat at your chest as a thousand thoughts ran through your head.

What if Leo comes? Who are you kidding he's not coming! No, you have to stay! It's closing nitwit! You can't stay! You shouldn't leave! Why spend the night alone? You deserve this! Shut up! Shut up! I don't want to!

"Also do you want a to-go box?"

The fox pulled you out of your thoughts, you directed your attention toward them. Staring at them before shaking your head.

"Y-Yeah sure!"

You beamed out, your voice faltering a bit after you collected your thoughts. They noticed this but decided not to pry, they just waved you a small goodbye before giving the other customer's check.

You sighed and poked the piece of cake again. You debated asking Hueso if he's seen Leo again but you've already harassed the old man enough. Honestly, if you muttered the words "have you seen" he might as well start decomposing right in front of you.

You stare down at the cake, seeing how you picked it apart like a child. Big Mama always told you to not play with your food. How wasteful and selfish of you, you were given free food and you won't give it the curtsey of eating it?

You scowled at your actions and finally decide to take a bite. You unhook the left side of your mask and slowly brought the dessert to your mouth. You hesitantly chew on the brownie, it tasted amazing but it felt bitter in the back of your throat.

You place your fork to the side, a sour look on your face as you cross your arms. You tapped your foot as you patiently waited for your friend to finish up.

The large fox padded back over to you, their snout ringing with laughter about a conversation they were leaving.

"Okay okay! But if he spills another tray because of a guy, I think I'll finally quit!"

You could Hueso groan in the back as the fox reached your table with a small foam box.

"Here you go baby girl, one to-go box for my true love"

Akira huffed out proudly as they place the container on the small table. You glanced down at the to-go box and then back up at the mixed fox.

"Who were you discussing earlier?"

The fox blinked at you before showing you a toothy smile.

"We were talking about my coworker Yuichi! He's a real treat but always seems to be tripping over his ears"

You hummed in response as you start to place the cake into the white box. Closing the container before peeping up at the fox who was wiping down the table with a rag.

The fox noticed you watching, they shot you a wink with a sly grin before getting back to work. You roll your eyes as you lean your chair back a bit as they clean.

After a few minutes, they let out a small bark to gain your attention. You look up at them to see their fuzzy paw in front of you. You slowly take their hand in yours and they pulled you to your feet. Akira grinned at you after they pushed in your seat. In their other paw was your to-go box.

"Come now my lady, to my humble abode"

You let yourself be pulled around as the yokai held your hand tight. You always felt at ease with Akira, they always knew what to do. At times they could be very annoying but you couldn't help but humor them.

"Adios Hueso! Tell your mother hi for me!"

The fox slyly shot at the middle-aged man who spat out a few curses at his employee before grumbling a small goodbye as the fox grabbed their sash that hung next to the door.

"Make sure to lock the door and windows, old man!"

"Yeah yeah! I know how to lock up my own store nitwit!"

The fox hacked out a laugh while shaking their head.

"No, but seriously, tell Abuela I said hi!"

"Yeah yeah, well tell your sister I said hello as well"

The fox nodded with a giggle before opening the door and walking out with you on their tail. The city was cold tonight, you shivered a bit, the fox glancing down at you before warping their arm around your shoulder. You stiffen a bit, your face flushing a bit before you shake your head and calm yourself down.

The fox peeked at you and your flustered expression. Akira ran their tongue over their sharp canines before coeing at you.

"Are you blushing~?"

You shot a glare at the fox after huffing in embarrassment.

"No, it's just cold out"

You nonchalantly spat out while the fox chuckled at you while ruffling your hair.

"You're so cute! I'm melting on the inside right now! You can't see it but I am"

You rolled your eyes but let out an amused huff as you walked down the street. You and the fox walked down the streets of the hidden city, cautiously glancing around at every yokai you pass by. Protectively keeping Akira close, just like when you're walking with Leo, you always had to make sure those near you are safe.

Your friends were all you had, you've only had them for a few months but you wouldn't give them up for the world. Sidney, Akira, Ellana, Leo...

Leo...

You felt your body shake, your eyes glossing over.

"F-F*ck"

You suck in a shaky breath and knead the skin in between your eyebrows. The fox shot a worried glance at you, their grip around your body becoming tighter.

He probably f*cking hated you, and with good reason too. If someone held your brother at knifepoint they would be dead. You kinda deserve to be dead.

"H-Hey, Baby? Are you okay?"

You glanced up at the fox with bewildered eyes, you just turn away from them, walking down the sidewalk with them as they stared at you quietly.

Akira felt a little useless at the moment, their friend was hurting and they could do nothing about it. Well at least nothing right now, maybe in a bit they can help you in more ways than one.

"We're almost home okay? I'll get you a nice hot bath brewing and then we'll watch some movies okay?"

You stayed silent, the only response you gave was a curt nod of the head. The fox seems to understand how to act when you were upset like this, well of course they did. They always knew what to do.

After passing a few more blocks, you and the yokai fox stopped at this small dainty apartment complex. You walked inside with Akira looming over you, their large paws padding against the ground.

The two of you made your way to an elevator and after some waiting, stepped inside. The fox pressed a button, apparently for the third floor since that's where the elevator stopped pulling itself up. The fox lead out and through the maze of hallways before they stopped in front of a worn door.

Voices could be heard from behind the entrance as the fox reached inside their sash in search of their keys. They juggled with the small metal trinkets before inserting it into the door knob.

Akira unlocked the door and pushed it open, immediately the scent of rice and spices hit your nose. You scrunched your nose in response to the new array of smells, the fox lead you inside the small apartment.

The door shut behind you and you looked around to spot a smaller fox in the kitchen, tending over a pot of steaming rice. The fox placed their hand on their hip while whipping some water off her face.

"Hey, Niji!"

"Oh hey, Kira-"

The smaller peach-colored fox's eyes widened as they spotted you, a large amused grin spread across their face.

"Oh, my- Kiki! Is this your girlfriend!?"

You hesitate a bit feeling something in your chest flutter and then dissipate when the fox simply rolled their eyes and grabbed you by the hand.

"No she's not my girlfriend, they are just a friend who will be staying the night tonight"

You were utterly confused, how was Niji not freaking out that you were a human?! Likely the only human down here was you! Unless she thought you were wearing a cloaking brooch.

Maybe that was for the best?

You just gave her a small awkward wave as a greeting while you were being pulled away from the main part of the apartment.

"Oh, and their name is Red! She/They pronouns!"

"Got it!"

The fox gave Akira a thumbs up, you were a tad bit surprised about the pronouns things. You never really thought about something like that, it seemed silly too. You just let people call you whatever they wanted to, it didn't really matter.

You were only an object to them anyway....

You just shrugged the comment off and rushed into the room where Akira was pushing you. It was a cozy small room, it was very purple. You could definitely tell it was their favorite color.

There were posters all over the room with bands on them and a neon-purple black light that shone over the bed that was pushed against the wall in front of the door. The letters read out "love" and there was a red electric guitar that was on a stand in the left corner of the room. A flag hung on the wall where the door was located, it had pink, yellow, and blue stripes with another flag next to it that consisted of yellow, white, purple, and black stripes. Under these flags was a white desk with a selection of art supplies.

The bed had an array of stuffed animals on it with celestial white and gold sheets. The violet led lights that illuminated and snaked around the walls made the room feel vibrant.

The kitsune snatched the box of take out from your hands and placed it on a desk. Then the fox walked over to a drawer that was pulled open from under their bed. Akira rummaged through the stacks of clothes before they pulled out a long-sleeved t-shirt and some matching sweatpants. It had this white and red text that said Green Day and something idiot. You couldn't read what it said, it spelled out ame-ri-can.

What a funny word, maybe you'll ask Akira how to say it later.

Anyhow, you took the clothes into your arms as Akira gave them to you. They closed the drawer that slid under their bed and let out a breath before turning to you with a soft smile. The purple light adorns their features as they start to speak softly.

"So uh. There are your clothes. I'll um- show you the bathroom"

The fox seemed to get a bit shy for some reason, though you just shrugged it off. You trailed behind them as they led you to the small bathroom that was across the hall.

It was very modest and small but not cramped. The fox's tail swished as you go the scope of the room. Their nervous nature was making you uneasy as well but you didn't pay too much mind to it.

"Just uh tell me if you need anything okay?"

You nodded in response as they flashed you a toothy smile before turning away and closing the door. After they left you looked around at the bathroom. The sink was right across from the bathtub and in the very corner of the room was the toilet. You shimmied your way over to the counter and placed down your clothes. You sighed as you gripped the tile of the sink, you felt sick. You took off your mask and peeked up at your face. Immediately your body convulsed as you rushed over to the toilet gripping the bowl and releasing the contents of your stomach.

You forced out raw chokes of air as you vomited the food you just ate.

F*CK!!! I thought I was getting better?!

You wiped your mouth with the sleeve of your spandex suit, sweat beaming off your head as you heaved out air.

You felt like you were right back at the start. All the progress you made just swirled down the drain. You couldn't even keep your food down, your eating habits are so messed up your stomach denies it.

Tears brimmed at the sides of your eyes as your hand shook.

Dammit! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! SHIT! SHIT! F*CK!

You rapidly shake your hands trying to calm yourself down.

Okay okay! Just calm down! You can't let Akira know! They'll worry! You're fine! You've dealt with this before just... Relax...

You took deep breaths and sighed. You stiffen as you heard loud knocks at the door, dread-filled your entire being as a voice cuts through the room.

"Red? Are you okay?"

You fumble with your own tongue as you tried to sputter out a response.

Come on you idiot say something!

"Y-Yeah!"

"Really? Because it sounded like you were throwing up.."

They know!!

You chew on the inside of your cheek, the tangy taste of iron filling your senses as you made up a lie.

"Oh ye-yeah, that! I just.. just ate some bad food! Haha! I'm okay!"

You nervously let out a chuckle as the fox stayed silent. The quiet was eating you from the inside out.

"..Okay.. Just call me if you need anything okay?"

"...okay..."

You soften your demeanor as you notice the small patter of feet fading away. You sniffled before getting up from your spot on the floor.

You felt your eyes swirling when you got to your feet. You place your mouth into the palm of your hand and squeeze your eyes shut.

Come on Y/n, deep breaths

Sucking in some air you decide to start to strip away your clothes. Before undoing the wrappings around your arms and legs, you took off your armor and belts first. You looked at yourself in the mirror, staring at the crimson-red suit that clenched your body. Emphasizing every feature, like how your ribs stuck out since the chest plate that hid your body was now gone.

You never understood how you can be so muscular yet frail. How easy you could break despite being so resilient. Your entire existence was a contradiction.  A human living in a place where humans are forbidden? A human out of all the creatures down here being a Battle Nexus champion!? It was ludicrous!

And yet... here you are...

You sighed and started to peel off the skin-tight fabric that hugged your body. The cold air hit your skin as you remove the last bit of your clothing. You turn over to the small tub, smaller than the one that Big Mama would sometimes grant you access.

You actually like how simple the tub looks, you were less intimidated by it. Unlike the fancier one. You looked over at the small metal knob and turned it.

A small pipe burst to life as water gushed out into the bathtub. You looked down at the bandages that wrapped around your wrists, ankles, and neck. They were protecting the delicate seared skin that lay underneath them.

You decided just to keep the bandages on and change them after your bath. Not very hygienic of you but nothing about you is very hygienic. Hopefully, Akira had some bandage rolls.

You got into the bath and lowered yourself into the water. You began to wash away all the muck on your body, and the water soon become tainted with blood and dirt. You drain the old water and let some new water fill the tub. You drench your hair in water and apply soap to the thick strands.

You washed out the grime that was starting to mat your hair. You always enjoyed bathing, it felt like along with all the dirt, your worries also rolled off your back and down the drain.

After cleaning yourself off you just lay in the water, just listening to the sloshing of water. You let your mind go placid for a moment.

What was wrong with you?

What isn't wrong with you?

You're broken...

Porcelain doll remember?

That already has too many chunks missing to look pretty again...

You suppress a sniffle as you splash your face with water. You run your hair and let out a deep breath.  You started to drain the water, you shake your head rapidly like a dog to get the last bit of the water out of its fur after wringing it out.

You step out of the tub and grab a towel that hung on the door. You being to dry yourself off until you realize that you might have reopened your wounds due to bright red blood staining your bandages. You really needed to obtain the information about the bandage rolls.

You warp the towel around your body and held it close to your chest as you reached out to the doorknob. You cracked the door open slightly and loudly announced that you needed your friend's assistance.

"Akira! I need your knowledge of this apartment! Akira!"

The fox stomped over to you with a slightly irritated expression.

"Yes! Yeah, what is it?"

You blinked a bit, noticing how close the fox's face was to yours. You just quipped your question quickly as a way to block it out.

"Do you have any bandage rolls?"

"Yeah let me just grab them-"

The fox began to open the door, which made you jump back and cover your right cheek with your hand; attempting to hide your scar.

"They're supposed to be next to the uhhhhhh-"

The fox fumbled on their words that you were naked and only using a towel to cover yourself.

"Oh, my guardians, I'm- so sorry! I didn't realize"

A bright red hue spread across their face like wildfire as they covered their eyes with their paw.

"I'll go! I'll-"

"No- it's fine just uh! Tell me where it's at?"

"Under the sink, in a first aid kit"

You thanked them as they quickly zipped out of the bathroom slamming the door shut. You flinched a bit before turning your body towards the sink.

You open the small cabinet and locate the first aid kit. You take the case out and place it on the counter. You open the kit and take out the bandages and rubbing alcohol. 

You unravel your old wrappings and toss them aside. You then start to apply the sanitation ointment. You pour it onto your exposed wounds, hissing through your teeth as you clean out the blemishes. You then began to wrap the new roll of bandages around your wrists and ankles as you sough. After applying fresh wrappings, you glanced over to the clothing you had received from your friend. You cleaned the mess you left while assisting with your wounds.

When cleanup was over, you pad over to the clothing and hold it in your arms. You slip into the new undergarments and these long-sleeved pajamas. As Akira liked to call them. You were grateful that they covered all of your body, well except for your feet and hands of course.

You just wrapped your ankles and feet with bandages like you always do. You didn't have shoes so you constantly made sure to double-bandage your feet for protection. Though you had rough calluses regardless.

You began to gather your old clothing, your suit, and weapon holsters and fold them neatly. You glanced down at your machete. Studying the brownish-red bloodstains that were splotched on the old leather that was wrapped around the tang.

You've had this machete since you were like.... 14? Maybe 13. You weren't sure, you've been at the Battle Nexus for so long that you've lost count. It was the first weapon you'd ever received and it was the only blade you ever mastered.

You always felt safer when you had your machete. It gave you comfort like a child with a teddy bear. It let you feel like you had a small sliver of control of your life because when you had it in your hands, you can choose who lives or dies.

You would like to live, though you wholeheartedly believe that you don't deserve to.

You've taken so much from those around you.

Blood stains your hands in a vibrant hue, there are warehouses full of corpses left to rot because of you.

Their sobs will haunt you for the rest of your life.

What's worse is that you.. like doing this. You enjoy being in control... You relish the fact that you can choose if you're going to take a life or not. The daily routine of the slaughters feels like second nature to you. You feel comfortable in it.

How f*cked up is that?!

You clench the machete, your knuckles going white.

You don't deserve this...

Teeth grit onto each other as you angrily look down at your blade.

You don't deserve to be in this bathroom, in this apartment! In this person's life! In anyone's life! You don't deserve to be on this planet! On this plane of existence even! The only thing you deserve is to be dead.

Maybe then you would actually bring joy to people's lives instead of fear...

You suck in a sharp breath, calming yourself down as you slowly loosen your iron grip on the hilt of your machete.

Oh, stop b*tiching to yourself, you sorry excuse of a human being. You have no right to be self-loathing yourself in someone else's bathroom. You should know this by now. You're only as good for what you have to offer.

This is what you've been trained to do. What you've been born to do. So make yourself useful and go make sure Akira is satisfied with your performance.

You take in a deep breath before grabbing your mask. You stare at yourself in the mirror as you place the cover on your face. This disguise is a facade both physically and emotionally. When you have it on you can control how people perceive you.

And you don't want to be seen as a monster...

So it bothers you when you show your real face, the real you. You taught yourself to stop before you even start; before you make the mistake of opening up. Before you let people see the worst of you.

You'll never let them see the worst of you.

Because what if everyone saw? What if everyone knew? Would they like what they saw?..

Or would they hate it too?

So you'll continue to run away from what's true.

That's all you ever do. Run away from your problems. Run away from... from...

You stop the thought and release a large deep exhale.

You make sure you have all of your things gathered up in your arms before maneuvering through the small bathroom. Let your free hand grapple the door knob and turn it with a satisfying click. You walked out of the bathroom to be met with a much smaller fox yokai. You both stared at each other for a moment.

The smaller kitsune looked a lot like Akira but they had red skin, not like Akiras violet hue. Their fur was also lighter, they had the splotches and mixtures of colors that your fox friend brandished but a different color. The small fox also seemed to have much smaller ears than their counterpart. The yokai wore a black hoodie with a bleach skull print and saggy ripped jeans. Specially fitted headphones hanging off their neck. From where stand you assumed them to be 12 or 13?

The fox glances at the bathroom with their light brown eyes.

"You should turn off the light"

They stated gruffly, braces flashing from under their lips.

"Of course."

You agreed calmly which made the fox's eyes flash with uncertainty. They just begrudgingly push past you and walk toward the kitchen. Sliding on their headphones.

Your eyes trail them until they can no longer follow. You glance back at the washroom and followed the order that the younger yokai gave you. 

After turning off the light, you silently make your way to Akira's chamber. This wasn't intentional, you were always taught to keep your head down and your mouth shut. It's just your nature now.

You found the fox sitting on their bean bag with loungewear on. They must have taken their sight amplifiers out because glasses were set on the bridge of their snout. Their everyday clothes were swapped out for some red basketball shorts and a flowy crop top that has the fabric of a basketball uniform.

You had just recently learned about the human game of basketball, kids near Ellana's apartment would play it all the time. You enjoyed watching the game go on, it gave you some peace that these kids could enjoy their life so freely. You grimace whenever you think about the small pup that died at the mercy of the battle nexus.

His wails have burned into your mind, the look of desperation on his face will never unburned itself from you.

You let a noise erupt from your throat to notify them you were in the room. The fox looks up from their phone to greet you with a smile, their ears going up in contentment.

"Hey Red! You look good!"

A small flash of embarrassment radiated off their body. You just hum in response. You honestly thought you looked like shit but to each their own you guess.

"Where do I put these?"

Akira blinks for a moment before motioning over to a small desk.

"Just set them down there"

You nodded and fulfilled their wishes. Placing the small bundle of your items on the table.

"Ane will be done with the food soon. My Imouto is already making the table."

The mere mention of food is making your stomach swirl. Your face scrunched up in discomfort, you try your best to hide it.

"Who's Ane and Imouto?"

"Oh, that's what I call my older and younger sisters!"

You slip out a small "oh" and ponder on that for a moment.

"What do you call someone you... endear deeply?"

"Oh well in Japan we kinda show that by adding an honorific to the ends of people's names"

The younger fox continued on.

"Now if you're looking for a sign of endearment then I would go with Chan! Maybe even Kun or San if you want to be more formal about it"

Akira suggested as you scrunched your nose in thought.

"So Chan is less formal than Kun or San?"

You affirmed with a leaning fickleness.

"Yup!"

The fox announced with a large toothy smile. You hummed in response before bowing slightly toward the kitsune.

"Thank you for providing me shelter Akira-Chan."

You courteously disclosed this. You cringed as the fox shrieked in surprise. They babbled away as they forced you out of your bowing stance.

"Aye Dios Mio! What- oh! Yo-You! You don't need to do that! I- oh geez!"

Akira ran their claws through their fur as their face burned a furious hue of red.

"Ahh! Okay!"

The fox began as the paced a bit, refusing to make eye contact with you.

"You didn't have to bow to me! It was no problem really! I-I'm your friend so I thought- I- me- you! I um-"

The yokai was cut off by you placing your hand on their cheek making them face you.

"Akira you need to calm down"

You echoed as their ears fell back, their mouth feeling like a desert at the moment as they gazed into your eyes.

"I- uh... haha"

They breathed out as they realized how close you were to them.

"I didn't mean to upset you... I just wanted to show my appreciation"

You murmured out as their eyes boarded and their ears shoot up.

"Oh no no no! You didn't upset me! I was just embarrassed by the name was all..."

They shook their head as they reassured you that you did nothing wrong.

"Oh..."

You trailed off as you collected your thoughts.

"I apologize for my informality. I will refer to you as Kun from now on"

"Red you don't have to-"

"I insist."

The fox rub their fingers over one another as their tail swished warily.

"If that's what you.."

Akira confirmed as they glanced up at you with hesitant eyes.

"I want what you want."

Something changed in Akiras eyes, this unease settled over them. They sucked in a deep breath before smiling sweetly at you.

"Well I don't want that for you, so I'm not gonna tell you what to do"

They muttered as they brushed past you, their tail clinging onto your body as they passed.

"If you want to follow me to dinner you can"

The fox walked out the door, you quickly trailing behind them. The kitsune's small soft smile radiated off their face as they felt your presence. You felt a little tense, you'd never had a proper dinner like this one. You've only eaten in cells, rooftops, a pizzeria, and the hovel of a building you called home. What if you did the wrong thing? You felt like throwing up again just thinking about it.

You and your friend made it to the little dining room and kitchen. The eldest sister of the kitsune family already making plates for the four of them. The youngest of the little skulk was already sitting at the far end of the table. Them scrolling endlessly on their phone. Niji finally noticed yall's arrival. A smile plastered on her face as she greeted the two of you.

"There you two are! Come come sit! I've prepared Arroz con Gandules!"

"Mmmmmm! That sounds amazing Ane! Thank you!"

The smaller fox smiled with pride as they set down the large bowl filled with rice and beans? Were those beans? They didn't look like it but they were shaped like it. You weren't going to question it. You didn't want to come off as rude or ungrateful.

"It's no problem pup! Now take a seat!"

You followed the order and sat next to Akira who had already pulled up a chair. You glance around the table, seeing everyone take their designated spots.

"Alright, Charlie! You should say grace"

The slightly larger fox compared to Niji groaned a bit before taking their headphones off and sitting in the chair upright. You waited patiently as they clasped their hands together, making the other follow right behind them. To not feel out of place, you mimicked their actions as well.

"Dios, Gracias para este comida y mi familia! May we continue to prosper! Amen!"

"Amen!"

The two older family members announced right after. You immediately quip in after them in a way to copy. Akira glanced over to you, a look of discomfort plastered on their muzzle. You glanced away, feeling shame fill your chest. You then felt a fuzzy paw on top of yours, you glimpse up to see Akira smiling softly at you with reassuring eyes. You felt your eyes glaze over with warmth. You swallowed the lump that was forming in your throat and repressed a sniffle.

"Oh, Red, Honey! Do you want a plate?"

You felt everyone's eyes on you, well not everyone's; Charlie was already digging away into their food with eyes glued to their phone. You felt this sense of dread fill your stomach, like the mere mention of food was going to make you heave over. Though you didn't want to be rude and the food looked and smelled delicious.

"I um... I- "

You glanced over at Akira, their eyes searching yours as you basically screamed for help in your mind. They seemed to get the notion so they turned toward their sister with a sheepish smile.

"Uh, Ane! Red's stomach isn't feeling too well so maybe food isn't the best option right now"

"B-But I would love to eat later Ma'am!!!"

You blurted out a little too loudly, it even made Charlie glance up from their phone to look at you. You felt your cheeks flare up as you sink more into your seat. The older yokai bellowed out a laugh as they placed the serving bowl down.

"Aw, what a polite child! I'll tell you what! What if I whipped up some herbal tea for your stomach? Okay, baby cakes?"

You felt uncharacteristically timid. This was a parent-aged adult woman giving you praise and treating you so kindly. You felt genuinely honored and quite frankly flustered. So you shyly nodded your head in affirmation which made the woman shine a bright smile before she padded over to the small kitchen.

You glanced over to Akira, who was eating silently next to you. They noticed you watching them so they smiled and stroke up a conversation.

"So Red, how's life treating you?"

Oh f*ck! Small talk!

You already felt extremely uncomfortable since life is treating you extra shit nowadays.

"Its... Good"

You lied.

"What about you? H-How's school!"

You interject. Trying to desperately steer the discussion away from you.

"School is.. well School! It's not good nor bad just exhausting"

They were exasperated as they scooped up another fork full of rice.

"Well, it's less exhausting than the Battle Nexus..."

You grumbled out soon realizing that what you said was rude you immediately apologized.

"S-Sorry! I didn't mean-"

"Dude it's alright! Yeah I'm sure that school is so much less draining than fighting people all day"

They contributed genuinely before taking another bite of their food.

"By the way! How much do you get paid for that?"

Nothing..

"A decent amount, it varies due to my progress"

"That sucks"

"You have no idea"

You huffed out sluggishly. A small click can be heard and you peek up to see a Japanese tea cup on the table.

"Here you go sugar! One stomach ache fixing tea! I hope you feel better"

Your clammy hands wrapped around the simple china. You felt your eyes water at the kindness of this woman so you just stare down at your murky reflection while you spoke.

"Thank you..."

Both the foxes next to you smiled at you softly as Akira ruffled your hair.

"Aw, it's no problem Red! You're a good friend! It's the least we can do!"

You felt your lip quiver so you quickly sipped your hot beverage. The scolding heat of it brings you back to reality.

You and the family of kitsunes eat and enjoy time together. Quipping embarrassing jokes and laughing with each other as they shared a meal. Charlie rolled their eyes and protested every time they were poked fun of. He was a really cool kid. You think she had a really good future ahead of them.

At the end of dinner, Niji collected all the plates and despite your constant protest, washed them for you. You wanted to return the favor to her despite not knowing how to wash dishes. You also didn't know how to make tea or food or....

Wow. . .

...You didn't know how to do anything...

It was later in the night and you were sitting in Akira's room. You talked for hours. Sharing things about your lives and interests, it was mostly one-sided though. You didn't have many good things to say about your life and you don't really have any interests.

It must have been like 2 maybe 3 am and the fox was high out of their mind. They had said they needed to clear their head so they took a stash out and offered you some as well. You declined the weed but you took the alcohol that they had.

"And my mom and dad were some homophobic, transphobic b*tches! They would always- you know! Like hate on us! It got so bad to the point where Niji just told us to pack our things and we ran away"

They hissed out through their fangs before taking another hit from the galaxy bong they had. You were listening to them rant about why their parents were out of the picture.

"I'm sorry..."

You murmured, staring down at the bottle that was in your hands. Your mask was halfway down your face but you didn't really care, it was dark and your friend was too out of it to probably remember anyway. Akira glanced over at you, they sat on the bean bag while you sat on the windowsill of the room. Watching the night sky pour into the space, making everything a little more somber.

"Bah, it's whatever. Who needs parents anyway right?"

"Right"

You agree bleakly. You bearly remember your parents. You don't even know what they look or sound like, all you remember is well, living in fear. You guess that Big Mama was your parent in a sense. She raised you, clothed you, fed you, and made sure you knew how to fight and protect yourself. She took care of you. She was the only mother you've known, and how shitty is that.

You took a long hard swig of your beer at the thought. The taste stung your tongue again but you enjoyed the pain. It made you feel numb to the emotions that you were groping.

"Here's to having f*cked up childhoods"

"Omedetou!"

You held the bottle in the air before chugging the drink. Feeling a little fuzzy at the moment.

"So like uh, what's the deal with Leo? Don't you hang out like all the time?"

"Oh.. I almost stabbed his brother.. I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore.."

You muttered with a hick, recalling the bitter memory before downing the booze.

"Woahhhh~ Dude.. that's cray cray!"

You let out another hick, your face felt hot and tears were starting to form.

"You know~ I kinda des-deserve this! *hic* I'm such- And I mean SUCH~ a shitty person... He's way better off without..."

You trialed off the sentence, your words were getting less and less coherent. You don't even know what you're saying anymore.

"No way dude! You're like the funniest person I- um uh know! And~ I like you!~ I like you a- um well a big!"

They wheezed out a broken giggle as they sent you a wide goofy smile. You felt the tears start to pour before you take another sip of your glass. Crying as you begin to profess to Akira.

"I- I.. like... Akira! Aki... A.. so sweet~ *hic* Kind! And- And...."

You sobbed and huffed out as you claw at your face violently. Akira catches this and gets up from their seat, shoving the pipe into their pocket, and pads over to you. They took a seat next to you and took you by the shoulder, letting your weight lean against them as you wept.

"....I bad... shitty... mean monster... get away... hurt.."

You fudged your words trying to push the precious kitsune as if they would be tainted if they held you for too long. As if you would infect them with all the horrible ghosts and ghouls that wrapped around your head.

Though you were so drunk that you couldn't even push them away, you eventually stopped trying to fight them. Exhaustion dragging your body to the deep end, you start to lose grip on everything. Including your drink.

Thankfully despite Akira being as high as a kite, took the bottle from your limp hands before you could drop it. They guzzle down the rest of it before letting the cup fall to the floor. They wrap their arms around you, laying down against the window sill and letting your body rest on top of them.

Your face was against their chest, the fox was so comfy and inviting. You nuzzle into them, allowing a yawn as you whimper quietly.

"..warm..."

Akira let out a small amused huff as you began to lose consciousness, the world going dark as you cuddled against your friend's affections as they also start to lose against the call of sleep.

Do you know who wasn't sleeping?

Leo.

Leo was wide awake, he lay in his bed, sleep alluding him for the hundredth time. The same song and dance he dealt with every night. It was a constant struggle to get a wink of sleep.

Insomnia was a b*tch.

His hand stung, his shell flared, his head throbbed, and his heart was writhing away.

His heart ached more than the crack in his shell.

He was upset.

He was angry.

He was miserable.

Maybe Lee Da-hee was right.. Love is for suckers.

The turtle groaned as he twisted and turned in his bed.

What was wrong with him? Why can't he just get over it? Why won't the nightmares just stop?!

He can't do it anymore! He can't see your horrid, scared face one more time! It plays on repeat in his brain. Over and OVER and OVER again!!! It's been a week! Just let him rest already!!

But he can't... he won't rest until he makes it right. And who knows when that'll be.

The slider groaned, tugging at the bags under his eyes before kicking off the sheets from him. He needs to do something! Anything! He can't just lay around all night feeling sorry for himself!

He slipped on some shorts and wrapped his arms and ankles up with bandages. He reinforced the bandages around his knuckles and swiftly walked out of his room. It was late. The boys were just getting back into their old schedule but they were still adjusting so his brothers might still be sleeping.

Leo sighed as he rolled his injured wrist while walking over to the dojo. Pushing through the simple tan curtains as he turns towards the punching bag Raph set up in there. The boy stared at it for a moment, cracking his knuckles before taking a fighting stance. His eyes were coldly sharp as he drew in a deep breath.

Leonardo's knuckles stung as he pounded his fists into the load. His balled hand slammed over and over again. Sweat flashed off his body as he thrusts his muscles into the boxing equipment. The turtle shifted his weight, blocking his face as he pushed into a new position.

He ran through his routine, driving to use every muscle in his body, making him stronger.

It hurt.

It hurt like a b*tch!

Regardless it must be done. Leo needed to gain some bulk. The red-eared slider was lean but slender. At least he wasn't lanky like his brother, Donatello. This didn't suggest that he was weak. Only not as strong as the rest of the team. Although Leo's twin brother was the most aggressive out of all of his brothers and himself.

Grunts flew out of the turtle's snout as his fists pounded into the opposing bag. His weight swiftly shifted and his foot was now beating the heavy pouch. His kicks were sloppy and unbalanced so he maneuvered to fix them. The slidder exasperated heavy huffs as his strikes got more penetrating.

"I have always been there taking care of you! I'm the one that has to save your weak ass all the time!!"

Punches hammered brutally into the bag.

"I'm making things worse- making more of a mess of things with your family. I'm sorry you deserve better-"

A harsh sneer hissed through gritted teeth as eyes started to shine

Once his hand reached your prereferral vision you shrink, waiting for the blow, but it never came.

You flinched away from his touch, were you afraid of him? Did you think he was going to hurt you?

The turtle's blood boiled as he relentlessly battered the sack of sand hanging from the ceiling. Sharp shakey fits of air left his chest as his body trembled. 

A scream cut through the whole rooftop and Leo's eyes widened as red splattered across his face. You didn't even realize it was you who was screaming until you were whisked away from your friend.

Tears started to ripple down to the floor as fists feverishly attacked.

Your dagger hovering just inches above the threat's eyeball. Shaking breaths heaved out of your lungs as you glared down at your opponent.

THWACK

"Kappa, please... I'm- ngh! Fine. I've had worse.."

THWACK!

"Oh d-don't look at me like that.."

THWACK!!

You press your lips together as you intertwine your fingers with his. Which was a little awkward since he only had three fingers and you had five, but you figured out a way regardless. Dark blue eyes met yours, he was a little surprised at your actions but his face felt warmer for it.

CRACK!!!

"I'll be back next weekend, I promise"

You sucked in a shakey breath before wrapping your arm around his neck since you couldn't use the other one at the moment. You buried your head into his neck.

CRUNCH!!

"She's a weapon. A killer! Don't forget that Leo!" 

B O O M ! ! ! 

A thunderous acclamation rang through the dojo. Leo yelped in pain as his hand stabbed through his senses. His eyes were as wide as saucers as the turtle stared down at the punching bag. Sawdust rained over from the roof as sand was spilled into the ground.

"Holy shit...!!"

Leo huffed out through cupped hands, utter shock drilling through his body.

"Did- Did I...just do that- "

The turtle glanced up at the splintered ceiling and then over to the torn bag that splayed on the floor. Heavy footsteps can be heard as Leo glanced at his hands, his knuckles tingling fiercely. His bandages were still on but he was sure his hand was bruised really badly.

"What's going on!? Are you okay!? Where's the dange- WOAH!!!"

The larger-than-life alligator snapping turtle exclaimed as his claws dug into the archway.

"Jumping jack flash! Leon! What in the blazes happened!?"

Leo glanced back at his eldest brother with a weary expression.

"Uh I think that I just beat that bag into submission"

Leo's smile shone through as he snorted loudly. Spinning on his heel as his arms motioned to the punching bag.

"I made that bag my b*tch!"

"Hey! Watch your language!"

The slider rolled his eyes at his brother's decorum. Though this didn't put him in a bad mood, even with his hand throbbing spitefully.

"Dude! Look at that! Maybe my training is paying off! I've never done that before!!"

Leonardo whipped around his eyes shone with wonder, a wide grin plastered on his snout as his tail wagged rapidly. Raph gazed down at his little brother, his brows raised as the small slider smiled at him with such fulfillment. A small smirk tugged at the ends of the alligator turtle's beak.

There he was. The Leo that he knew and loved.

The gigantic teen chuckled with pride as he padded over to his little brother, his tail swishing back and forth as he patted the small guy's head.

"That was really amazing Leo. I'm proud of you"

Something came over Leon. Like a switch had just been flicked in his head. His eyes glistened as he glanced up to the ceiling, fighting back tears.

"Leo-"

"I'm fine! I'm fine! Just got some sawdust in my eye that's all!"

The turtle interjected a little too quickly as he viciously rubbed his eyes with his arm, making an effort to turn away from his older brother. The corners of Raph's eyes wrinkled as his beak curved into a soft smile.

"Let's uh- Let's get this clean up before dad comes in and kills me huh?"

Leonardo pressed on, immediately getting to work and picking up the punching bag. His hand flinched but he ignored the pain. He was not allowing any more sand to burst out so he set the sack against the wall.

"Yeah sure thing bud"

The older teen added softly as walked out to get the dustpan and broom. Leo turned back to watch him leave, heaving out a loud sigh as something tugged at his chest.

"Jesus Leon.. you need to pull yourself together. You can't cry whenever someone gives you positive reinforcement"

The young teen muttered to himself softly as he gathered the pieces of the ceiling that were scattered all around the floor. His hand wailed at him with every movement. A few minutes later, he heard the loud footsteps of his brother coming into the room.

"God, Raph what took you-"

Leo's eyebrows rose as his beak pressed together, eyeing the small dark green turtle that was latched to his brother's arm.

"Sorry! This little parasite attacked me on the way over here"

Raph exhaled with droopy eyelids.

"Say what! I am not a parasite!"

The smaller shrill voice pipped up, his little pout making him exceptionally adorable.

"Au contraire dear brother, you tend to be a leech at times"

Leo rolled off of his tongue while he gave a lopsided grin. Mikey just childishly stuck his tongue out before crawling on Raphs body like a spider monkey. Ending up preached on the alligator turtle's large shell.

"Whatever. Anyway, what happened here? Did Raph knock over the punching bag again?"

This wouldn't be the first time the eldest of them all forgot his own strength and pummeled their poor boxing equipment into the wall. It was to be expected when you have a 6-foot-tall 200-something-pound mutant beast trained in martial arts.

"Actually it was Leo who put it out of commission"

Raph stated with a sense of satisfaction as he started to sweep up the mess that painted the floor. Michealangelo looked down from his roost over to his older brother as Raph started to sweep up the mess.

"Woah Leo! You did that!? Never knew you had it in you"

Mikey purred out with amusement. Leo just rolled his eyes with a goofy smile plastered on his mug as he boasted.

"Oh, you know me. I'm just naturally built"

The red-eared slider flexed his muscles, showing off his biceps. Mikey and Raph rolled their eyes before humoring their brother with compliments.

"Wow so strong"

"I could never, dats crazy"

The comments overlap each other as Leo giggled.

"Aw shucks, guys! You flatter me"

Leo dramatically fanned his hand, hissing through his teeth when pain shot through his fingers.

"Shit f*ck!"

"Language!"

Raph snapped as he attempted to cover Mikey's ears. The young box turtle swatted his passive paws away before jumping off his brother's back and walking over to Leonardo.

"Yo Leon! What's up with your hand man?"

The painted turtle peaked over the slider's shoulder and motioned to his brother's hand. Leo glanced over at him before looking back at his hand.

"I don't know, it got this way after I socked the punch that knocked out the punching bag!"

Leo admitted as he gently started to unwrap his knuckles and only his knuckles. He wouldn't want to have a similar incident he had with Raph happen again.

A loud cringe of sympathy slipped out of all the brother's mouths as a mixture of red and purple splotched all over his lime-green skin.

"Damn son! You did a number on your hand!"

"Micheal! What did I just say about the cursing!?"

Raph barked at his baby brother which made the small teen roll his eyes in annoyance.

"But yeah Leo, you need to be more careful when punching okay?"

Raphael uttered softly, his eyes boring into his brother. Leo smacked his beak together, his mouth feeling dry and him feeling uncharacteristically meek.

"Y-Yeah! No problem big guy- uh..."

Leo looked back down at his hand and sighed.

"I need to put some ice and cream on this. To uh calm down the swelling"

The turtle then glances back at the speck of chaos that was splayed on the floor. His priorities conflict with each other. Though Leo was known for putting his own health on the back burner.

"Go fix up your hand Lil bro. I'll finish up in here"

"But Raph-"

"No buts Nardo! Go do it now"

Raph sternly but affectionately ordered his brother. Leo slumped in defeat as he slinked out of the room. Walking over to the ladder and letting out a low groan.

"We really need to get Donatello to build some stairs. Escalators maybe! Shit!"

The young teen exclaimed as he hauled himself up the steps. Voicing out heavy buffs as he made his way to the med bay on the second floor.

"I hate that f*cking ladder!"

The turtle spat as he walked into the infirmary. Lugging around as he searched for items to mend his hand.

He should be eating pizza with you right now.

He should be looking at your pretty face.

The slider's face went hot when the thought crossed his mind.

"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Shut up brain!"

Leonardo slammed his fist onto his head, yelping when the short sharp shot of pain danced through his body.

"Stupid f*cking hand! Oof!"

Leo banged his head against the metal cabinet that he left open up head.

"Why am I getting my ass kicked by my house items!"

The turtle whined as he sank into the gurney in the room. Wailing into a pillow as he repeatedly slapped the bed with his unhurt hand.

"This is such bullshit!!!!!"

Leo groaned as his body went limp in the bed.

"I shouldn't even be here! I should be having a blast with Red! So so stupid"

His voice muffled into the pillow as the complained.

"I miss her, I miss her already. How stupid is that?!"

Leo switched positions and hugged the pillow tightly. Burying his head into the soft cotton.

"I'm stupid... Just a stupid stupid turtle..."

The slider mumbled as he sighed quietly. He let the silence of the room consume him for a moment. Just laying on the bed in self-pity. It wouldn't be the first time

"Nardo?"

An indifferent voice broke through the quiet. Leo unleashed a loud groan.

"Leave me alone"

The soft shell rolled his eyes as he walked into the room. Sitting at the foot of the bed as his twin brother droned on.

"Leave me alone to die"

The olive-green turtle suppressed a snort before getting comfortable on the bed. Posing cross-legged as he leaned towards Leo.

"Heard you took the punching bag straight off its hinges. You know that's gonna take some time to fix asshole?"

"Cry me a river"

Donatello chuckled before heaving out a sigh.

"But that's not the real reason you're up here moping is it?"

His older twin remained silent. Answering the scientist's query.

"Man you're down bad for this girl"

The turtle huffed with amusement as he fell back on the bed. Laying down with his arms crossed under his head.

"If you just meet her... and I mean really knew her... You would understand..."

Leo echoed softly, his eyes staring at the white sheets that were under him. Donatello glanced over at his brother's body. A sigh escaped him as he stared at the ceiling.

"Well... Why don't you tell me... about her... I mean."

Donnie's soft mumblings caught Leonardo off guard. His eyes widened before softening at the notion that the soft shell was attempting to understand.

"Okay well, they love f/d. They get it every time we go out"

Leo chuckle softly at the memory before babbling away about you.

"Oh! And they chew on their cheek when they're nervous! Uh, they love goats! Their brother is actually one! So that explains all the weird facts she knows about them"

Donnie hummed in response. Soaking in all the information his brother was spouting at him like a sponge.

"They do this really cute thing where when we're walking together, they will stand really close and look around. Making sure no one would dare come near us"

The soft shell snorted quietly at this, he found it a little hard to find this action cute. It was paranoia if you asked him but to each their own he guesses.

"And when they... hold my hand. They put their pinky and ring finger outside my ring finger and their middle and pointer fingers around my pointer. Their thumb holding onto my pointer as well. She goes out of her way so we can intertwine fingers..."

"That must be extremely uncomfortable for her"

Leo released a small bout of air from his nose at his brother's comment.

"Maybe... but she always looks so... happy when she's around me... But this haze clouds her eyes. I-I can't really put my finger on what it is..." 

Donatello sucked in a breath. He's seen it too. The fog that hides your face. It was like this resting mist of sadness and fear. He could basically smell it on you. Though he couldn't understand why.

"Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's autistic. She reminds me so much of you. It's a little scary if you ask me"

Donatello rolled his eyes at this comment.

"Not every autistic person is the same Leon"

"I never said they were. I mean you and Mikey are complete opposites and he's autistic too"

"He too possesses ADHD, so he's double trouble"

Leonardo hummed in agreement. The slider also owned ADHD. Their father also maintains all of these disorders. So surprise, you have several children contain autism and ADHD. Congratulations. Parenting just got ten times harder.

"But regardless, she's very... Quiet... Reserved... And tenacious.  She's a hard worker, when she wants something she usually gets it."

Leo smiled softly. He always loved this part of you. You were so brave and assertive. He wished he had half the confidence that you had.

"She's a force to be reckoned with, I'll grant her that"

Donnie muttered. His body still ached from the bruises you branded on him from your fight. You were heavily trained and burly. The soft shell was sure you were going to kill him that night. You were going to kill him that night. If Leo hadn't stepped in, his eyeball would've been a kabob.

"She definitely a brute"

He murmured under his breath. Leo decided to ignore this comment since he couldn't disagree. You really did punk him on the rooftops that night. Geez how embarrassing.

"Um.. Let me think... I have lots more things about her.."

Leo popped his beak in thought before smiling with a tint of red on his cheeks.

"She calls me Kappa, it's a turtle yokai"

"Isn't that just like calling a human, human? Or a dog, dog?"

The turtle hummed in thought before letting out a chuckle.

"I guess so, but I like it... She's the only one who calls me that so it's special in a sense"

The turtle noted with a dreamy sigh.

"I suppose so"

Donnie relented.

"Oh, and there was this one time we went to the library and-"

Leo went on with talking up a storm about you and all your adventures to the weary Donatello. The soft shell quietly listens to his brother's ramblings.

Leo didn't fix his hand till later but he didn't mind. Talking about you made the pain that squeezed his heart a little more manageable. As the booze made the pain more effortless for you.

While Leo blabbed away, you slept in a drunken haze. Feeling your mind slip away from you as the days seemed to drag on.

There was one notion that tormented your and Leos's minds.

You both wanted to be loved.

But you don't deserve it.